Chapter Text
"Aman, speaking to Kartik mujhe aisa laga ki he's not very comfortable talking to me. That’s why I told him to go get some fresh air outside. I am really glad you brought him here because his mental state is not quite good and he needs professional help. Par jaisa Devika ne kaha tha ki he's a very charming and friendly kind of person, he didn't talk much to me. Like practically nothing."
"Toh doctor, ab kya karen? Kartik raat ko so nahin pata, bure sapne aate hain use, exams ke pehle nahin padh pata is tension se ki woh syllabus khatam nahin kar payega. Ab aapko agar khud nahin batayega, main kya karun?"
"Listen, itna mat ghabrao. Zyadadar cases mein, doctor ki jagah closest person ka company helps a lot. A touch helps a lot more than medicines and that's proven. Try spending more time with Kartik. For example, spend a night awake with him talking about random things or maybe visit some places. He himself will let out his soul through his activities, he needn't speak, and trust me that's the best therapy for him."
Aman paused. Indeed, it had been long since they spent time together. Seeing Aman not respond, the counselor spoke again.
"I hope you understand what I mean to say, Aman?"
"Oh yeah for sure doctor. Thank you so much for helping us!"
Aman smiled and left the chamber. He found Kartik sitting outside, carefully observing a butterfly.
Carefully and silently doing something, is definitely not the trait of Kartik's character. Aman doubted something, went close to him and his doubts just got confirmed.
Kartik was silently crying sitting there!
"Ro kyun raha hai Kartik? Kya hua? Main hoon na yahan, mujhe bata."
"Sorry Aman, main...main kuch bol nahin paya unhe. Pata nahin, Devi ka dost hain par….phir bhi kuch bata nahin saka unhe. Maaf kar do mujhe."
Aman's heart squeezed at this. He too wanted to cry now at Kartik's innocence but that would have adverse effects on him. He therefore knew that he had to act quickly.
"Koi bat nhi Kartik, hota hai. Chal aj hum kahi ghumne chalte hain."
"Kahan?"
"Chal na!"
Aman took Kartik to Marine Drive right from the chamber. After all, the hustle bustle of this entire busy city was taken away by these waves. What better could the start be? They both sat there for some time. None spoke, cause none of them knew where to start from. But this silence, that too from Kartik was deafening to Aman. Kartik blankly looked out into the sea, the waves crashing across the huge boulders.
"Aisa lagta hain jaise yeh lehren aake mujhe hi dhakka maar rahe hain!"
Kartik said pointing out to a rock that just got hit hardly by a wave.
"Shhh...."
Aman silenced Kartik by gently easing his fingers into Kartik's sweaty palms and rested his head on Kartik's shoulder. It took some time for Kartik to register before he rested his head back. They eased into their position and closed their eyes.
After sometime, Aman opened his eyes, and saw an ice cream seller and a gas balloon seller cross in front of them; two brilliant ideas also crossed his mind.
"Ek minute ruk!"
Aman jumped up from their cosy position and went to the gas balloon person. He bought two balloons and brought them to Kartik.
"Yeh hum ek kaam karenge. Meri pocket se notepad aur pen nikal!"
Kartik was surprised at this. But he obeyed Aman and took it out.
"Ab, tujhe jo jo shikayaten hain zindagi se, ya jo jo confessions hain, saare likho, mujhe mat dikhana. Bass write."
"Yeh kya kar rahe hain hum Aman?"
Kartik said in a cold voice.
"Tum karo na as I say."
Kartik, quite unwillingly though, wrote 5 pages in that pocket notepad and handed it to Aman. He took some time, cried subtly for a while and then finally completed.
"Mujhe mat do. Tie it to the string of the balloon and then release it!"
Kartik tightly tied the pages to the string of the balloon and then Aman handed it over to him. Kartik set the balloons free in the sky!
"See, all your worries are flying away! Janta hain, Mumbai sheher ki yahi toh khasiyat hai. Itna busy sheher ke jo bhi complaints hote hain na, woh saare samandar mein aise naav banake baha dete hain, ya toh is hawa mein free kar dete hain. If you have a load of your worries in you, how can you move forward? Set them free in the air. Dekh, tera red aur blue balloon ab bas ek red aur blue spot bann chuka hain aasman mein!"
Aman didn't notice the wide smile in Kartik's face as he was busy watching the balloons fly, until Kartik hugged him.
"Aisa lagta hai sach mein sab kuch udd gaya."
"Feeling light?"
"Han Mostly. Aman, ab ice cream khane chale?"
Kartik said in a childish tone that made Aman feel relieved as he knew his goofy Kartik is slowly coming back back now.
“Han han kyu nahi?”
Kartik hugged Aman tightly and ran towards the ice-cream seller.
“Bhaiya jaldi se do ice-cream nikal do!!”
But the ice-cream seller did not do anything, rather he stood there staring at Kartik as if asking something really obvious.
“Arre Kartik! Excitement mai ye bhi bhool gya kya ki ice-cream ke flavours bhi hote hain!!”
Kartik still could not get what was happening, but when his last two brain cells finally started working and the realisation struck him, he almost facepalmed.
“Oh sit! Main to bhool hi gaya tha! Hahahah!”
He then opened the box full of icecreams and almost dived into the pool of ice-creams.
“Ummmm… strawberry...naah! Mint? Naaah!”
“Bhaiya! Koi acha sa flavour ni hai?”
Kartik said, still half inside the box.”
“Aap bahar niklenge toh mai kuch karunga na!”
The ice-cream vendor said in a calm tone.
Kartik immediately got off the box and stood near Aman, giving him a sheepish grin, who was already smiling to see his goofy boyfriend back.
The ice cream seller then showed them many flavours before Kartik found one he loved.
“Wow! Hershey’s double chocolate!!! Mujhe yeh wali do dedo. Aur Aman? Tu konsi khayega?”
“Umm… Mujhe bhi yahi flavour mai ek ice-cream dedo.“
Kartik jumped and walked on Marine Drive licking his ice cream occasionally like a child. Aman walked behind him watching his Kartik freely running. But he knew this was probably a mask that Kartik put on so that he didn't worry. Kartik! A boy of wonders!
Paani da, rang vekh ke,
Paani da rang vekh ke,
Akhiyan jo hanju rud de…
Yes, Kartik was as free and flowing as a water with many forms and colours. Aman watched his goofball with love in his eyes but also had the doctor's words clouding his mind.
He needed to spend more time with Kartik. How, where, when? Of course, it was quality time but how would it be possible for him to understand what he had to do to free Kartik of this trauma? He thought about this always and remained lost every time. He searched Google for a few days, went to their college library to check out books on psychology and tried to sort out things which could actually help a charming person as Kartik feel better and bring him back to his original self.
This took him quite a lot of time and in this period, Aman saw Kartik's state worsening. He used to study about this on Google till late night and had noticed that Kartik's nightmares had turned more frequent and had worsened to the extent that he woke up either crying or breathless. Kartik remained quiet for most of the day, refused to eat at all and most of the time looked out of the window in their room. Devika, Ravi and a few other friends often came to call him for a meet up at the campus, but Kartik didn't go. Once, Devika forced him to come with them. She asked him to accompany them for half an hour at least to which Kartik denied for quite a few times and then Devika came to pull him away. That resulted in Kartik breaking down to tears as he hugged his pillow and took the shape of a cocoon on the bed. Devika felt guilty for Kartik's state. She went to comfort him but Aman stopped her.
"Main dekh loonga Devi. It will take time for him."
"Aman, I swear, I didn't mean to…."
"It's okay. I know you didn't mean to trigger him. It's fine. Happens. Tum log jao, I'll take care of him."
Devika, Ravi and the other friends left.
Aman didn't tell anything to Kartik. He just silently looked at him and didn't know when he started to cry too. Kartik's pain was intolerable for him as well.
That's when one day, Aman figured out what he is supposed to do.
Tastes of nature and songs! Yes, that's Kartik! He just needed to show Kartik his own self, the self that has Kartik Singh, the goofy one, the cute one, the one who's always there for everyone. The therapist told nature is the best doctor. And Aman knew exactly what he had to do now. But even then, Kartik was the one who clouded his mind. He had to think what he had to do so that his plans were successful in bringing Kartik back to his original self. Thus, he kept on thinking.
For example, Aman's favourite coffee was espresso whereas Kartik liked cappuccino. One Sunday morning, Kartik was sleeping and he didn't come over with Aman to have breakfast. Aman came alone, met Devika and Ravi and then went to get himself a cup of coffee.
"Kartik ek cup cappuccino dena!"
"Arrey Aman babu, hum Kartik kahan? Hum toh Kishanwa hain! Aur aap kab se cappuccino peene lage?"
Aman called their canteen uncle Kishan as Kartik and ordered Kartik's favourite coffee.
"Oh Kishan chacha, sorry woh...galati se…"
"Kono baat na hi. Hum samajhta hoon. Galati jo hain, u ho jaati hain kabhi kabhi. I lijiye aapka espresso!"
Aman took the coffee and came back to find Devika and Ravi looking at him. Devika started to speak very seriously with Ravi as he sat down.
"Ravi, tujhe pata hain kya market mein ek naya ganja aaya hain?"
Devika asked Ravi.
"Achha? Kaunsa waala?"
Ravi replied.
"Haan, Kartik brand ka ganja! Ekdum branded hain! Use khaane se poora din tu bass brand ka naam japta rahega. But is ganja ki bhi baat hain! It's special! Sabko nahin milti hain. It's a rare find. Aur jisko mila hain na, usne uspe apna copyright protect kar rakha hain!"
"Tum log kab chup karoge?"
Aman said, his face turning red in embarrassment.
"Hum toh bachchu gaane ke mood mein hain abhi.
Tere naam ka nasha nasha,
Hain zubaan pe chha gaya.
Is bekhudi mein doobne se main khud ko na rok sakeya!
Dekheya main phool dekheya,
Khushboo ke nazare dekheya,
Par tere jaisa na koi, dekheya main…."
Devika started to strike the table with her fingers and sang.
"Kya hua ruk kyun gayi?"
"Hmmm, rukna nahin chahiye tha na? Woh humne socha tera ganja khud hi chalke tere paas aa raha hain toh….mujhe abhi ruk jaana chahiye."
"Kya?"
Aman turned back to see Kartik standing at the canteen door, in his sweatpants, sweatshirt and slippers, probably searching for Aman in the crowd. Aman raised his hand and signalled him to come. Kartik spotted his hand. He moved towards him and hugged Aman from behind.
"Arrey Kartik kya hua? Itna ghabra kyun raha hain? Hum kaunsa bhaag rahe hain Aman ko lekar?"
Devika joked.
"Woh….woh...wahi sapna Aman! Main...papa mujhe maar rahe hain!"
Devika quietened and let Aman speak.
Aman gently rubbed Kartik's cold palm to cool him down.
"Main hoon na yahan Kartik?! Kuch nahin hua! Sapna tha yaar. Bure sapnon ko ahmiyat nahin dete."
Kartik hugged Aman once more, this time the hug prolonged for a few seconds.
"Achha chal. Aj hum kahi ghumne chalte hain. Mat poochh kahan, bass chalte hain. Theek hain?"
Kartik nodded and Aman gently eased his fingers into Kartik's palm and then entwined them together.
Seeing this gesture, Devika started to sing again.
"O haareya main dil haareya,
O haareya main dil haareya,
O haareya main dil haareya,
Main hara tujhpe main hara tujhpe…."
They both got ready and Aman took Kartik to a Radha Krishna mandir.
"Kartik, jab bhi tujhe lage tere sath koi bhi nahi hai ...always remember god is always there for you."
Aman said as they were standing there in front of the deity with joined hands.
"Tu kahan ja raha hain? Tu toh mere saath hi hain. Tujh mein rab dikhta hain, yaara main kya karun?"
Kartik gently whispered into Aman's ears.
"Main kahi nahin ja raha Kartik. Tere saath hi hoon main. Magar phir bhi, agar tujhe kabhi kisi problem ka hal nahin mil raha, ya kabhi kisi aisi uljhan mein hain jo tu mujhe ya kisi ko bhi bata nahin sakta, toh apne andar mann mein ekbar jhaak ke dekhna. Zindagi ke saare sawaal shuru bhi wahi se hote hain, aur unke jawaab bhi wahi hote hain. Jaanta hain kyun? Kyunki swayam bhagwan wahan baste hain! Har insaan ke dil mein!"
"Tu toh rahega na humesha! Aur agar kabhi bhagwan ko khojna pada, toh bhi mujhe teri hi zaroorat hogi Aman."
"Main humesha tere saath hoon! Mere Kartik Singh ko, Kartik 'Zyada' Singh jo banana hain mujhe! Aur Bhagwan toh har jagah hote hain. Dhoondhna bass mann se hota hain."
Returning from the temple, Aman looked at Kartik as they wore their shoes.
"Tu mujhe apne baare mein koi ek baat bata, jo tujhe pasand hain. Kuchh bhi ho tere baare mai jiski wajah se tujhe khud pe naaz hota ho."
"Aisa kuch nahin hain mujh mein, jisse khud par naaz ho sake."
Kartik replied in an instance.
"Khud pe daal tu nazar, halaton se haar ke,
Kahan chala re?
Hath ki lakeer ko, modta marodta,
Hai haunsla re…"
Aman sang as they walked away. Kartik smiled and then looked up at the sky.
"Toh phir main kahun? Tu itna hasmukh hai. Har waqt muskurata rehta hain, itna kuch sehne ke baad bhi; isse bada aur kya ho sakta hain?"
"Naaz ka pata nahin, ghrina zaroor aati hain. Aur bura lagta hain ki I couldn't be the man of your expectations!"
Kartik replied.
"Love doesn't keep any expectations, Kartik! Tu jaisa bhi hain, mujhe pyara hain! Yahin baat hain! Bass! Main bataun? Jis din maine tujhe pehli baar dekha tha na...tujhe bolte hue suna..tujhe haste hue dekha…. I felt alive again! Mera saara exam ka stress ek minute main gayab ho gaya tha! Mujhe nhi pta tha ki ussi din mujhe tere se love ho gya tha but that feeling was the best feeling of my life!"
Kartik hugged Aman as he spoke. A few people on the road glanced at them, Aman joined his arms behind Kartik's back and apologized by that gesture.
Kartik realised that and broke the hug.
"Tu apne hi khwabon ke rang mein,
Tu apne jahan ko bhi rang de.
Ke chalta hoon main tere sang mein,
Woh shaam bhi toh kya?
Jab hoga andhera, tab payega ghar mera,
Us ghar mein phir hogi teri subah….
Tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda…."
Aman sang as they walked. Kartik looked at him and then at the clear blue sky above them.
"Meri awaaz tere jaisa nahin hain, par gaya tere liye…."
Aman said as he complained.
"Abhi teri dialogue tujhe hi sunata hoon, tu jaisa bhi hain jo bhi karta hain, woh mujhe pyara hain, Aman Tripathi!"
They both smiled and had a good laugh at that which had love involved in it too! A hearty laugh, a laugh which had the two hearts involved in them.
"Achha ab kahan?"
Kartik asked.
"How about a coffee date, darling?"
Kartik nodded. Aman realised that the nightmare of the morning was still fresh on Kartik's mind. Otherwise, usage of the word 'darling' by him, would definitely bring out a bigger response from Kartik. He didn't nudge him anymore. He got themself a kaali peeli and took Kartik to a seaside café. He chose the seat which offered an ecstatic view of the sea.
"Kya lega Kartik?"
Kartik didn't respond.
"Kartik?"
"Haan? Haan bol?"
Aman realised that Kartik had zoned out.
"Kya lega?"
"Kuch bhi…..chalega…."
"Okay. Sir ek cold coffee with ice cream and mere liye ek cappuccino."
The waiter took their order and left.
Kartik was looking out into the sea, the waves vanishing into the sand as they reached the shore. Aman touched Kartik's hand that rested on the table gently and found Kartik shedding tears silently.
"Tu hamesha mere saath rahega na? Aise hi? Mera pillar banke? Kyunki without you, Kartik Singh is as useless and broken as a house is without pillars. Aur main jo tujhe itna tang karta hoon, I fear that you will leave me for this reason!"
Kartik wiped his tears, realising that they were in a public place and put his face down.
"I'll never be leaving you Kartik, be it whatever situation. Tu jaisa bhi hain, jis tarah bhi hain, I'll love you till the last day of my life. Kyunki, it's you, Kartik Singh! Kartik 'Zyada' Singh. No matter how broken or happy, ugly or beautiful, successful ya failure ho, at the end of the day tu mera Kartik Singh tha, Kartik Singh hain, aur Kartik Singh hi rahega. Main tere aatma se pyaar karta hoon. tere sharir se, ya tere looks se, tere temporary behaviour se ya tere success aur failures se nahin, the real, original, unfiltered, unadulterated and raw Kartik Singh, jo sirf aur sirf tere aatma mein hain. Isi liye usi se pyaar karta hoon. Samjha?"
"Sir your coffee!"
The waiter arrived with their orders.
"Tripathi sahab, aapke in baaton se wafa soongh lee humne. Dil ko chhu gaye yeh."
"Wafadari ki woh rasmen…."
Aman started to sing softly but Kartik took away the line.
"Nibhayenge hum tum kasme,
Ek bhi saans zindagi ki,
Jab tak ho apne bass mein.
Na koi hain na koi tha,
Zindagi mein tumhare siva.
Tum dena saath mera,
O humnava…..haye!"
"Haye!"
Aman added an extra 'haye' to the song as Kartik ended it.
"Aur aapki awaaz bhi Singh sahab, kaash samundar ki lehren aapse seekhen ki sur kise kehte hain!"
"Samundar ki lehren apne sur aur tal mein sahi hain, hum apne sur tal mein. Har sur ek jaisa ho, toh geet mein preet kaise aayegi?"
"Arrey waah! Yeh bohot sahi tha."
"Tu saath rehta hain toh sab sahi hi hota hain Aman! Tum dena saath mera o humnava!"
"Humesha saath denge. Tere liye kuch bhi!"
"Sir, would you like to order something else?"
The waiter approached the two of them.
"No, thank you. You could get us the bill."
Kartik replied before Aman could.
"Next destination?"
Kartik asked excitedly as he cleared the bill.
"Jahan jahan tu bolega, wahi ghumenge aj toh…."
"Yayyyyyyy! Sach?"
"Yep. Chal ab bata, kahan jana hain?"
"Marine Drive chale?"
Aman wasn't quite willing to go there but seeing Kartik so enthusiastic about it, Aman agreed. After all, anything to make Kartik smile and be happy.
"Ummm…..not a bad idea actually!"
"Hain na?"
"Bilkul! Chal!"
They both left the café and went to the Marine Drive once again.
Kartik didn't stop at Marine Drive only. He went to a few other places from there including a nature park which Aman took him quite willingly, but sadly Kartik took less interest in it so they left early from there and went to a nearby beach.
"Yaar yeh beach bohot sahi hain!"
Kartik took some interest in it. They both sat down on the sand witnessing the sunset in the busy city of Mumbai. The breeze that blew over the sea and touched their faces made both of them sigh together and then smile. Kartik sighed because he felt too full from within and he let out some of his worries through that sigh into the breeze. Whereas Aman on the other hand, sighed because he saw Kartik do so. He understood the meaning of that sigh. Aman understood Kartik more when he spoke less. He didn’t know many ways in which he could make Kartik feel better. Kartik wouldn’t open up to a therapist, he couldn’t and Aman understood that. He also understood that to heal Kartik, he himself had to think of ways. But he didn’t know how and had to figure out. He couldn’t bear to see Kartik this sad always.
Aman was thinking all this when he found Kartik smiling all of a sudden. That made him smile too.
“Tu hamesha aisa hasta kyun nahin? You look so free and beautiful when you smile.”
Aman asked him.
“Kyunki humesha aisa mahaul nahin hota na. Tu, main, yeh beach aur yeh thandi hawa….humesha nahin hoti na…..”
“Hmmm….point toh hain waise…..achha yeh bata, you know right that you can never fool me?”
“Haan pata hain. Kyun?”
“Toh iska matlab yeh bhi pata hoga ki main samajh raha hoon ki teri hasi kis baat ki hain aur meri na hain!’
Kartik looked at Aman with his puppy eyes.
“Aman baby, he karu nako (aisa mat karo in Marathi). Please? For me? Only once.”
“Once hi kaafi hain sab bigadne ke liye. Na matlab na….”
“Iska matlab haan. Agar ladkiyon ke na mein haan ho sakti hain, toh ladko ke bhi toh ho sakte hain na…..”
“Offo…..!”
And before Aman could say something, Kartik pulled him up from his place, held his hand and started to sing.
“"Uff offo, uff uff offo,
Uff offo, uff uff uff offo.
Banda toh ready hain,
Tera hi kaidi hain,
Samjho tum bhi jo baat,
Aankhon se kehdi hain.
Teri haan de de,
Meri jaan le le,
Meri jaan na de mujhe bahane.
Sajan bade senti!
(Ulati gine ginti)
Sajan bade senti!
(Ulati gine ginti….)"
Aman enjoyed Kartik singing this song in his voice when all of a sudden Kartik started to run towards the waves, pulling Aman behind him. Aman didn’t know where the sudden run came into existence! He thought Kartik would sing only. Kartik did sing ‘ulati gine ginti’ but while running. And Aman knew exactly what Kartik was upto! He had feared this!
“KARTIK!!!!! KARTIK RUK…...KART…..”
Aman shouted as he stumbled while keeping up with Kartik’s speed.
“Main nahin rukunga…..SPLASH!”
Both of them fell down as they crashed across a big wave.
“Kya hua yeh?’
Aman asked after he stood up with great difficulty, water and sand all over his body. Kartik was no different. His amazingly combed hair now had wet sand over them.
“Maza…..maza hua…..”
Another huge wave crashed across them and Kartik hugged Aman before they fell down together.
Kartik laughed as he pulled Aman up. Aman coughed hard as he swallowed some salt water by mistake. His lips had sand over them.
“Tu theek hain?”
Kartik asked him.
“Haan haan bilkul theek hoon. Gala jal raha hain mera pagal! Yeh saltwater….uh huh!”
Aman coughed again trying to spit out the water.
Kartik laughed again looking at Aman.
“Ab kya hua? Ab kyun has raha hain?”
Kartik held Aman’s face and rubbed sand off the corner of his lips with his thumb.
“Ok Aman we have to admit that your lips are too tempting for the sands too. Wait lemme, teach them a lesson.”
Kartik pulled Aman closer and gently pressed his lips over his. Aman felt sand in his mouth, but who cares about the world when you feel the love of your life kissing you so passionately? Aman too forgot the world and ended up kissing Kartik on the beach. Slow waves crashed across their feet as they stood there connected to each other in the most beautiful depiction of love.
It was only when a large wave pushed them away and made Aman notice that they were making out in a public area, that the two got disconnected. Kartik again crawled up to Aman for a second kiss but Aman stopped him.
"Ghar nahin jaana? Yahin beach pe make out kar rahe hain Kartik! Log dekh rahe hain…."
And almost immediately Aman regretted saying that because Kartik's smile, charm, enthusiasm all faded away in an instance as he realised 'people must be looking at them'. He stood up and walked away from the beach. Aman felt like slapping himself for having no control over what he said.
"Dekhne do. Aankh to hain hi dekhne ke liye na?"
Saying so, Aman wrapped his arms around Kartik's neck and kissed him again.
Kartik pulled away from the kiss.
"Log...hain…. Aman…."
"Rehne do na. Sochne do jo sochna hain. Unka dimag, unhi ko chalane do. Hum kyun soche ki woh kya sochenge?"
Kartik smiled and lifted Aman up in his arms as he kissed him. Aman kissed him back even more passionately this time. His world consisted of Kartik and him. Who existed to judge them, didn't really matter to him.
It was almost evening by the time they returned. Kartik was mostly happy throughout the journey back. At least Aman thought so. But he realised that things still bothered Kartik when he paused a while before entering their room and then stepped in, as if, he kept his goofy nature and joys of the entire day outside the room before entering it. Aman noticed that.
"Bahar nikal! Chal chal!"
Aman pushed Kartik out.
"Arrey hua kya?"
"Abhi tere hasi, khushi jo bhi tune bahar chhoda un sabko waapas utha, apne andar rakh aur phir andar aa. Samjha?"
Kartik rolled his eyes as he smiled; stood for a while and then entered the room. Aman smilingly welcomed him.
"Abhi samajh aaya kyun kamre ke andar tu itna gumsum sa rehta hain. Aglibar se apni pyaari si smile ko bahar chhoda na, kaan kheechke chaped lagaunga tujhe."
Kartik chuckled and hugged Aman. Aman hugged him back and felt much more warmth in this hug. This hug was much more innocent and much better than anyone before. He felt happy that Kartik is getting a bit better. But Kartik seemed to have some other plans.
“Oh sit! Ye mera bed kitna ganda lag rha hai yaar! Baithne tak ki jagah nahi hai!”
Kartik said, scrunching his face while he broke their hug. He started picking up all the wrappers, threw them off his bed and placed clothes from his bed on the chair. This little task made the bed look way better than before. Kartik then turned to Aman who was smiling at him like a proud parent.
“Kitna better lag raha hai yaar. Haina?”
“Haan na!”
Aman answered him in the same excited tone as Kartik. Kartik had the biggest smile on his face.
"Toh finally tune apna bed khud clean kiya! I am so proud of you! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"
Aman said, trying to express his happiness of seeing Kartik heal slowly, by clapping his hands. He then hugged Kartik once again, while patting his back slightly.
This boosted Kartik's morale as he felt appreciated.
“Ok now keep it up and go to sleep early today. Okay?”
Kartik's expressions got visibly dull but then lightened up again.
“Okay. I will try my best.”
But his eyes still had some confusion so Aman assured him.
“Yes. That's the spirit! If you want to talk, just wake me up and I am all there for you. Okay?”
“Okay”
It had been sometime now when Kartik and Aman last went out, almost two weeks. Kartik did show improvements, like socialising a little, making his own bed, taking a bath etc. But Aman also knew that Kartik hadn't healed completely. He often used to zone out, and sit quietly beside their window, blankly staring at the sky. What didn't improve at all were Kartik's nightmares. Recurring nightmares of his father beating him up, or him falling from a high mountain and his father looking at him and saying, 'let him die'. These nightmares made him wake up at night, screaming or crying and running out of breath, which did not let him sleep peacefully. Aman was a light sleeper, so any sound could wake him up easily, that's why he was able to comfort Kartik and make him calm down. He either hugged him or made him drink some water, sit straight and breathe.
But this couldn't go on forever. After all, Aman was not a therapist who could help Kartik out of all this permanently. So he made an attempt to talk to Kartik once more.
"Kartik….? Ek baat poochhun?"
Kartik was watching something on his phone. He kept it aside.
"Haan bol na."
"Tune mere alava kabhi kisi ke saath closely baat nahin ki na?"
"Not really. Kyun?"
"Tujhe agar main kuch kahun, toh tu woh manega?"
"Point kya hain bol na Aman! Itne dinon ke baad bhi itna hichkichahat?"
"Nahin hichkich….achha! Point pe aata hoon. Main chahata hoon ki….ki tu ekbar aur therapist ke paas chale…."
Kartik silenced for a moment.
"Nahin mujhe nahin jaana."
Aman was prepared for this.
"Tu ek baat bata mujhe. Jab sapnon mein tu yeh dekhta hain ki tere papa tujhe berehmi se maar rahe hain, ya phir tu girr raha hain dekh ke bhi woh kuch nahin karte, woh tujhe achha lagta hain kya? Shakal dekhi hain apni? Kitne raaton se soya nahin hain tu janta hain? Saans nahin aati hain tujhe Kartik! Darr jata hoon main!"
Aman said in one breath.
"Achha achha calm down! Baith yahan pe."
"Nahin! Nahin baithna mujhe!"
"Achha baith ja!"
Kartik made Aman sit down and hugged him.
"Jayenge, par ek shart par!"
Aman's eyes lit up. He looked at Kartik.
"Main akela doctor ke saath nahin rahunga. Tu bhi baithega mere saath."
Aman thought for a while and agreed. This was the last method he could opt for to cure Kartik.
Four days later, Aman got an appointment with the therapist. At first, Aman attended the session along with Kartik for the first 30 minutes, the next 30 minutes the therapist asked Aman to sit outside.
"Doctor, woh Aman….mere saath nahin reh sakta?"
The doctor smiled.
"Zaroor, woh toh adhe ghante ke liye tha na tere sath? Ab baki ka aadha ghanta mujhe do? Main bhi toh dekhun, how it feels like to be the friend of Kartik Singh ...."
Aman looked at Kartik. Kartik looked back at him. For a moment they stared at each other and then Kartik nodded. Aman smiled and left the chamber.
Kartik came out 5 minutes earlier. The doctor called Aman inside.
"Aman, I don't know what you did, but it has worked wonders for Kartik! He's much better now and opened up a bit more as you could see when you were here. Also, after you left, he told me some memories of his childhood, a good one and a bad one. You see, sharing memories with a random person isn't that simple in Kartik's state. I am sorry to tell you, but I diagnose him with depression and anxiety disorders. I won't prescribe medications for him, but if it turns out to be chronic, then maybe you have to buy him those. But haan, ghabrane ki zaroorat nahin hain. You're doing a great job. Thank you so much!"
"Aur doctor agli date?"
Aman looked a bit worried. Kartik had a disease as deadly as depression!
"Arrey ghabrao mat Aman. It's all cool. I told you whatever you are doing, it's working great for Kartik. Main agla date ek mahine baad deti hoon, taki I understand his progress well. Okay?"
Aman agreed and left the chamber.
Time changed slowly along with the colour of the leaves of the huge tree in the college campus. It has been four months since they first went to the therapist and Kartik was showing visible signs of healing in these 4 sessions only. Aman took immense care of him as well as of himself, their studies, classes, laboratories etc. Kartik now made his own bed, took a shower almost everyday and studied with some real concentration. As a result, being the brilliant student Kartik was, his second semester exams were amazing too. Aman witnessed Kartik’s change over the course of time. He felt proud of his boyfriend.
“Sabhi ghar ja rahe hain yaar. Mujhe papa ke paas waapas nahin jaana!”
Kartik said one evening after their results when Aman and he were watching a movie. Aman closed the laptop and looked at Kartik. Neither did he want Kartik to go back into that same zone again. All of Kartik’s progress might become total waste.
“Ek kaam karte hain. Ghumne chalte hain na kahi?”
Kartik exclaimed.
“Kartik! Hum abhi bhi kaafi chhote hain, jaanta hain na tu? Kaise ghumne jaaye? Itne paise kahan se aayenge?”
"Chuttiyan kitne din ke liye hain?"
"Ek hafta. Kyun?"
"Do din ke liye bahar ja sake, itne paise toh dono ke milakar hain na?"
"Haan hain, par provided we don't spend too much on transport and costly hotels."
"Arrey na. We'll not spend much. Do din ke liye Mahabaleshwar ghoom aate hain. Chal na?"
"Aur baki ke paanch din?"
Kartik thought for a moment when Aman asked.
"Devi ke yahan reh lenge. Kya kehta hain?"
It didn't seem like a bad idea to Aman. But he had to go home. His parents would be waiting.
"Oh sorry. Tujhe toh ghar jana tha. Na na plan cancel, back to movies!"
"Nahin mujhe bhi ghar nahin jaana…."
"Main sun hi nahin raha kuch. Tu ghar ja raha hain, aur main Devi ke yahan reh raha hoon."
After a long quarrel and Aman almost about to jump over Kartik and beat him, they came to a conclusion that for two days they'd go to Mahabaleshwar, two days they'd stay at Devika's place and the remaining three days, Aman would go back home to Allahabad.
"Hmmm…. patakha idea hain. Toh, kal nikal rahe hain? Subah ki bus se?"
Kartik immediately opened his phone and checked the bus website to book tickets while Aman got to the packing. It would be a long but fun week for the both of them.
"Yaar Mumbai se Mahabaleshwar saari buses booked hain. Ek kaam karte hain, Mumbai se Pune train kar lete hain. Wahan se bus, kya kehta hain?"
Aman looked confusedly for a bit before he agreed.
“Han. Ye bhi theek hai.”
They both got ready by evening to board the train at 2 in the morning and got an empty seat. They spent their train journey sleeping peacefully.
On reaching Pune, the duo set on their journey to the beautiful hills of Mahabaleshwar. Kartik insisted on taking the window seat in the bus so of course Aman didn't resist. Throughout the journey, Kartik looked out of the window and occasionally showed Aman views outside whereas Aman looked at him. This was their first outing and thus it was special.
They booked a youth hostel at Mahabaleshwar as it was an affordable stay with a clean environment. As soon as they reached, Kartik threw their bag on the bed and pulled Aman out to head towards the sunset point.
Sunset at Mahabaleshwar was a view worth watching. It was beautiful to say the least. Kartik and Aman sat on a bench at the sunset point and looked at the red sun which was about to set.
"The sun looks like a nayi naveli dulhan who is shy and red."
Aman said being a bit poetic as he rested his head on Kartik's shoulder.
"Sir, no one is shy now. It's the era of being savage and cool af!"
Kartik destroyed Aman's poetic mood completely. He lifted up his head and looked at Kartik with irritated eyes. Kartik wiggled his eyebrows to ask what caused Aman to leave their comfort position.
"Tch! Idiot!"
Saying so, Aman again put down his head over Kartik's shoulder and intertwined their fingers together. Kartik smiled and pulled Aman's hand along with his and rested it over his knees.
"I so wish time stopped here. You, me, the setting sun and our entwined fingers. Ah! A perfect fairytale!"
Aman looked at the sun and said.
"Par aaj shayad sunset hamare bhagya mein nahin hain."
Kartik turned back and said in a disappointed tone.
Aman looked behind them and realised the disappointment, but he found it to be romantic too.
It was turning cloudy here at Mahabaleshwar and rains would start any moment.
"Baarish….!"
Aman replied and almost immediately the rains started and covered the setting sun completely behind it's heavy veil. Aman wanted to run to a shelter so that they didn't get wet. He caught hold of Kartik's hand and was about to run, but Kartik seemed to be standing there like a statue. He didn't move an inch and Aman only got pulled towards him.
"Haath thaam le piya.
Karte hain vaada!
Ab se tu aarzoo,
Tu hi hain iraada, haye….
Mera naam le piya,
Main teri rubayi.
Tere hi toh pichhe pichhe,
Barsaat aayi…..barsaat aayi…."
Kartik sang as the raindrops drizzled from over his lips.
"Bheeg jayenge Kartik! Thand lag jayegi!"
Aman pulled him again, but Kartik didn't pay any attention to that. He kept on singing.
"Tu nazm nazm sa mere,
Hothon pe theher ja,
Main khwab khwab sa teri,
Aankhon mein jaagun re.
Tu ishq ishq sa mere,
Rooh mein aake bass ja,
Jis or teri shehnai, us or main bhaagun re."
Two days at Mahabaleshwar was spent fantastically by the duo. They visited the Mapro strawberry garden, ate strawberry ice cream and visited several forts and tourist sites. The next few days, they came back to Mumbai and spent time at Devika's place before Aman left for Allahabad, his hometown. Though Aman was with his family, he made it an effort to facetime Kartik every night after everyone at his house fell asleep. Kartik was more free spirited now. He smiled and Aman realised the smile wasn't a fake one, but genuine. Aman was happy. The seed which he had been watering and taking care of for so long was finally growing and turning into a beautiful tree. Aman was more than happy.
Three days later, Aman came back to Mumbai. Kartik came to pick him up at the station and hugged Aman as soon as he stepped down the train.
"Pata hain kitna miss kiya tujhe?"
Kartik exclaimed after a long two minute hug.
"Roz facetime hi karte the. Aur tujhe kya lagta hain? Miss karna bass tujhe hi aata hain?"
Kartik pouted and took Aman's luggage as they headed back to their hostel. Aman found Kartik was much better now. He even spoke to Devika and found out that the two nights for which Kartik was at her place, he slept peacefully at night and had no nightmares. He ate properly, took bath at proper time, etc. Kartik progressed in battling depression. All he needed was some love, care and an understanding heart, which he never got. He would have healed much earlier had he found someone who truly understood Kartik's heart, the reason behind his silence, the pain behind his tears, the past behind his suffering. He deserved none of it, yet he had to bear every bit of it.
One night, Aman took Kartik to the roof of their hostel. Aman had always believed that be it whatever in life, the moon always played a big part in healing. Its huge white and calming body helped cool anxiety. They sat together side by side at one in the morning in silence. Yes, they didn't speak to each other. They just remained silent and listened patiently to the sound of crickets and some other night birds which hooted occasionally. Nature was always the best escape from reality and also the best to console you in tough times. It's calming sound and soothing cool breeze always touched a broken heart.
Kartik sighed all of a sudden. Aman looked at him and found out that he was silently crying. Aman shifted closer to him and hugged him like a koala bear.
"Koi na Kartik. Main hoon yahan. Kuch nahin hua. Sab theek hoga."
"Pata hain Aman, kabhi kabhi main sochta hoon, yeh jo mere saath hota aa raha hain aj tak, papa ka unnecessarily apna gussa mujhpar nikalna, exams ke pehle mera sarr todd dena, aur….aur bhi kai saare aise incidents jiske liye main….main responsible nahin tha par phir bhi maine responsibility lee, ya toh yeh socha ki….ki main nahin toh aur kaun? Yeh saare….I deserved nothing of it. Bohot baar aisa hua hain, ki I wasn't even at fault. I was just a victim to rude words, abuses, and wrong situations. I fell at places where I never belonged to…..and that….that caused me years of suffering. I suffered unknowingly, I didn't know why, I didn't even know if I actually suffered cause I mask up myself so well, main….main khud samajh nahin pata hoon ki kab mask ki zindagi jee raha hoon, aur kab sachchi waali, kab sach mein khush hoon, aur kab doosron ko dikha raha hoon ki main khush hoon. Yeh sabko dikhate dikhate, aj mujhe na….bohot thakan mehsoos ho rahi hain….aj main janta nahin hoon, ki kaunsa Kartik main asal mein hoon, jo humesha hasta hain, jo sabhi ko pasand hain kyun ki he keeps everyone binded ya phir woh Kartik sach hain, jo kamre mein bandh hoke, raat ke aasmaan ko dekh ke yeh sochta hain ki duniya ke saari galtiyan usi ne kari hain? Bohot…. it's very confusing…."
Aman quietly listened to everything that Kartik said. He looked up at him but didn't interrupt.
"Kyun mere saath aisa hua Aman? Kyun anjane mein hi maine itna suffer kara? I never wanted bad for anyone. Always wished the best for everyone. Phir main kyun?"
Aman rubbed Kartik's back.
"Shhh….shhh. Aur mat ro. Tabiyat kharab ho jayegi. Shhh….meri jaan, aur nahin rote."
Aman wiped Kartik's tears with his fingers. Kartik looked at him and then rested his head over Aman's shoulder as he snuggled close to him. Aman smiled and rested his head over Kartik's head.
"Kartik, tu jaanta hain, jo taare hum abhi dekh rahe hain, woh exist bhi nahin karte?"
Aman pointed up towards one among the millions of stars in the sky and spoke gently to Kartik.
"Kai hazar saal pehle mar chuke hain. Woh toh roshni ab humari aankhon tak pahunch rahi hain, tab humein dikh rahe hain yeh aur hum kehte hain taare hain aasman mein. Iska matlab jaanta hai?"
Kartik looked up and nodded in a no. Aman gestured with his hand and asked Kartik to rest his head back over his shoulder.
"Iska matlab yeh hain ki duniya mein sabse important vishwas hota hai. Tu kya vishwas kar raha hain, ispe depend karta hain ki tu insaan kaisa hain aur apni life kaise jee raha hain. Jaise, hum log ek bohot purane taare ko dekh ke samajh lete hain ki woh abhi exist karta hain, waise hi har ek cheez mein apna vishwas strong rakhna. Chahe woh pyaar ho, chahe woh koi decision ho. Vishwas rakhega na Kartik, toh zindagi mein koi problem badi nahin lagegi. Khud par, apne dil par vishwas rakh, sab sahi hona hi hain! Bass keep trust and hope. Tera khud pe jo yeh vishwas hain ki you didn't deserve anything of what you got, yeh tootne mat dena. Kyunki yeh sahi vishwas hain!"
Aman found Kartik crying over his shoulder once more. He knew his words were sinking gently inside Kartik's head. He kept quiet now.
Kartik looked up after a while, at the sky and then down at the field. He didn't say anything and somehow, that silence hurt Aman. He wasn't sure if his words were hurting Kartik, or were actually making sense to him.
"Aur…. haan poora vishwas khud ko hi dedicate mat kar dena, thoda mujh par aur mere pyaar par bhi rakhna!"
Kartik hugged Aman tighter and Aman gently swayed him in his arms. Kartik cried, releasing every pain he had in his heart for so many years into Aman's hug.
"Aman! Tere bina main nahin jee sakta! Tu kabhi chhodna nahin mujhe bass! Main vaada karta hoon, main theek hone ka koshish karunga!"
Aman stopped him in between.
"Shhh..shhh…. kya bole ja raha hain? Tu theek hain! Tu mera Kartik Singh hain, Kartik Singh kabhi galat ho sakta hain kya? Main hoon. Jaise taarein chaand ke bina adhure hote hain, main bhi tere bina adhura hoon Kartik. Tujhe chhod ke kahan jaunga main? Shhh! Shant baby, shant!"
Kartik smiled and Aman felt he could buy the world with that smile itself. The smile was worth a million dollars and seeing Kartik smile so gracefully, Aman felt the corner of his eyes to be moist.
"Isi baat pe, ek gaana ga de, kya bolta hain?"
Aman requested Kartik, who smiled and started to sing.
"Ekdin mohabbat odh kar,
Ekdin gali ke mod par,
Teri hatheli par likhun,
Mera naam tere naam par,
Phir tu taqalluf chhod kar,
Phir tu jhuka kar ke nazar,
Rakhna mere kaandhe pe sar,
Zindagi…
Kuch toh bata zindagi,
Apna pata zindagi...
Kuch toh bata zindagi,
Apna pata zindagi…"
Kartik sang his heart out with this song. He was about to sing the next part too, but Aman took away his line.
"Taaron bhari ek raat mein,
Tere khat padhenge saath mein,
Kora jo panna reh gaya,
Ek kaanpte se haath mein,
Thodi shikayat karna tu,
Thodi shikayat main karun,
Naraaz bass na hona tu,
Zindagi…...Kartik!"
Aman exclaimed all of sudden and stopped singing.
"Kya?"
"Tune ek baat notice kee?"
Kartik wondered for a while.
"Kaunsi baat?"
"Yahin ki yeh jo saat gaane hum pichhle char mahinon se koi na koi occasion pe ga rahe hain ya sun rahe hain….paani da rang, haareya, aas paas khuda, jab koi baat, sajan bade senti, nazm nazm aur ab yeh, kuch toh bata zindagi, kuch samajh nahin aaya?"
"Nahin shriman! Aap hi bataiye, kya samjhun in saat gaanon se?"
"Yeh saat gaane humare zindagi ke rainbow ki saat rangon ki tarah hain. And they all have a tune which is common to the song Sang Rahiyo. Kabhi socha hain? In sabhi ke dhun mein kahi na kahi “samjhe na duniya, tu toh mujhko samajhiyo. Dil na samajh hain, dil ko kuch bhi na kahiyo!' aata hain."
Aman sang the song quite excitedly. It finally made sense to Kartik. Yes! Indeed they had been through a hell lot of problems in the past four to six months and Aman had been with him through every thick and thin. They were always together and these songs, they indeed made the rainbow of their lives more colourful. All the songs summed up and had a tune common to Sang Rahiyo.
Kartik smiled at Aman. Aman was looking at him with expecting eyes.
"Aage rahiyo na pichhe rahiyo,
Mera rahiyo yaar bass mera rahiyo.
Sang rahiyo, sang rahiyo.
Samjhe na duniya, tu toh mujhko samajhiyo.
Dil na samajh hain, dil ko kuch bhi na kahiyo…."
"Yasss!"
"Aj se yeh humara gaana hain. The song of Kartik and Aman's life."
Saying so, Aman excitedly hugged Kartik and Kartik smiled in his arms.
And they fell asleep in each other's arms, putting over them a blanket of darkness beautifully decorated by the stars. No lights, no sounds, just the moon and the stars witnessing a budding yet strong love story on Earth! A story of perseverance, a story of strength, a story of strong and pure love!