Chapter Text
Alec had always cried in solitude and this time was no different. His wedding was a huge business affair, so there was no way he could let his tears mess this up . He’d been crying a lot these past four weeks and justifiably so, but this particular session with his tears had an added reason. He was in his room at the venue, lonesome after shutting Izzy out. His darling little sister, whom he loved more than he loved himself; but he loved almost everyone more than he loved his own self. His self-love had always been low after his romantic entanglement with Raj but at this wedding, it had dipped to levels below the still-to-be-explored ocean beds. Moreover, he thought he deserved it for what he did to Raj and for what he was doing to Magnus. Ah yes, Magnus- the latest addition to the ever-growing list of reasons for ‘Why Alec Lightwood is crying on his wedding day’.
He had started seeing care and concern for him in Magnus’s eyes this past week. They had been meeting quite regularly after their first meeting, for the wedding nuptials. They had a wedding planner but they still had to go in for fittings, menu discussions, decor meetings, cake tastings and so much more. All of this would usually lead to them sharing dinners or lunches, and sometimes both. Alec had not been too involved, he would just go and be there. He could not find it in himself to enjoy any of this but he couldn’t and hadn’t let it show. He was always cordial with Magnus and everyone around but Magnus had been nothing short of amazing and that is why the guilt of getting married to him was eating him up. Magnus had not even once overstepped until now and Alec could see that Magnus had started caring for Alec. In the past two weeks, he could say they’d become friends and he had witnessed Magnus’s endearment for him take birth and grow. The kind of endearment, care and concern he could not reciprocate.
He knew he did not have a choice here, he had to marry Magnus but when had Alec ever adhered to logic when it came to delving into and staying in his own misery. It felt like he was constantly wearing a pair of sunglasses and all he could see through them was his sadness, guilt and shame. Sadness for losing his first love Raj and what they had, the wonderful budding relationship that had turned his world into a carnival. His time with Raj was like this colourful film in his otherwise black and white life. Guilt for getting involved with Magnus, marrying him while holding someone else in his heart. Shame was a constant in his life. It was something he had never shared with anyone, not even Raj. He wanted to resolve this ubiquitous trauma that caused him shame and be a better boyfriend to Raj but he had never thought of sharing it with him.
There was a knock on the door which meant he had to get up and face the day. He rose from the bed, washed his face to hide signs of distress and opened the door to Izzy and the stylists who had come to dress him up for his big day. He smiled and welcomed them inside.
Izzy placed her hand on his shoulder in a show of support. She had known about Raj and his relationship; she had tried to stop their parents, but who could really do that when Alec himself had given up. She had also tried to be there for Alec but like always he had shut her out. This time was no different, he gave her a practiced reassurance smile. He had never been unkind to her, he could just never open up to her, or anybody for that matter.
Walking down the aisle, Alec saw Magnus looking at him with hopeful eyes and his guilt jabbed at his heart, yet another time. He knew he couldn’t turn back, he had to go through, get up there, exchange the rings, say I do and kiss. Kiss, oh god, the kiss, he hadn’t thought about that before now and his insides started to quiver. How would he kiss Magnus?
The rest of his walk and the ceremony went by in the daze of this worry and yet he didn’t miss the depiction of Magnus’s affections for him at various stages. Those affections had a dual effect on him, they made him feel warm on the inside but at the same time he felt determined to eliminate them all together, for Magnus’s good. He wanted to do something so despicable that Magnus would detest his existence . He wanted to get Magnus away from his broken and painful life.
And then Magnus was suddenly leaning into him, a hand on his arm. It was time for the kiss. Alec’s entire body tightened. He closed his eyes, he couldn’t watch, he didn’t want to. He wished he could turn off all his other senses like he had turned off his vision but he couldn’t and so he heard a quiet, careful and worried whisper, “Are you okay with the kiss?”
Magnus, oh Magnus, why did he have to be so caring? Alec felt so full of emotions for Magnus, he could burst and paint the entire city with Magnus’s care. He nodded because he couldn’t say no. He could but he wouldn’t do this to his family and mostly to Magnus. They were in a room full of people who knew nothing but to put people down. He wouldn’t let Magnus face them by saying no to the kiss.
Then, there was a peck on his lips and poof! Magnus was gone from his space. He opened his eyes and looked at Magnus only to receive an understanding smile. There! That smile was what broke him. Magnus had understood his hesitation even after he had consented, he had sensed Alec’s distress and thus did not kiss him in the way a wedding kiss was supposed to be .
Alec couldn't take the goodness anymore and decided that instant that he would act as distant with Magnus as possible. He would not let Magnus be nice to him anymore because deep in his gut he knew how undeserving he was of the greatest goodness of the world. That was what Magnus had, isn’t it? A goodness and kindness so great it made him greater than the mightiest heroes of the world. They could have all the powers but they could never have the heart of the man who he now called his husband. How could he exploit this greatness? He had to stay away from it, as far as possible.
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It had been two weeks since Magnus had met Alec, two weeks since he had started hoping, two weeks since he felt he had a chance. He wasn’t an unwise man, quite the contrary actually, but he was the most credulous person in existence. Perhaps, that is why after all the signs he had sensed, around and about Alec, he still felt sanguine on his wedding day. He had picked up the disquieting gestures of his husband during the wedding prep, he had noticed the lack of celebration in his eyes, he had witnessed his apprehension before the wedding kiss and yet, he had done nothing to tone down his vigour. He had tried talking to Alec at their lunches and dinners and Alec had held their conversations well but he hadn’t opened up. But then, Alec was like that with Izzy, Jace and his parents as well, a lot more familiar but closed off. He hadn’t seen any friends around, heard about a few college friends who weren’t in touch anymore. So, it was only natural to assume that Alec was extremely secretive and unsocial . He had a weird thought about how Alec was out of the closet i n terms of his sexuality but mentally and psychologically, he was still very much in the closet. Very deep in it . He wanted to open that closet and get to know Alec and the things that were deep inside him. Alec might not want to display them to the world but he wanted to make him comfortable enough to show it to his husband. He knew that they would take things slow as they had been until now and so he took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door to their bedroom, bracing himself for a wild but, hopefully, a loving ride ahead. The room was empty. He frantically checked it again but found no signs of life. Where was Alec?
They had decided to move into a new apartment after the wedding. They had come here right after the reception because all their stuff had already been shifted. Their living room was full of both of their boxes. They had decided to take care of everything later and just crash for now. Alec had changed and was drying his hair when Magnus had entered the bathroom to shower and change but where was he now? Magnus almost ran out of the room to check the rest of the apartment. After checking the living room, dining area, balcony, drawing room, and the kitchen; he started panicking. At last, his eyes fell on the guest bedroom and he rushed towards it. He turned the knob, peeped inside and found Alec lying down on the bed. Alec turned to look at him and got up.
“Hey! Did you need something?”, said Alec.
“Umm...yeah! Why are you sleeping here?...I mean we-”
“I don’t think we should share a room. I will just set up here. You can take that room. Sorry, for using the bathroom tonight. I’ll make sure to use mine from now on.”
“No, wait! What do you mean?”, Magnus was shocked beyond belief. What was happening? He entered the room and sat opposite Alec . “Alexander, did I do something wrong?”
“What? No! I just mean that this is not a conventional marriage. You and I are not in love.”, said Alec without meeting Magnus’s eye.
Magnus’s heart dropped and touched edom. “I know but we are married. We can take this slow, at your pace but we have to at least try.” He feels dejected and he could feel his anger surfacing because now, what the fuck did Alec mean by “ not a conventional marriage”?
“We don’t have to, though. I mean, come on, it is an arranged marriage. We don’t have to be a couple”, Alec said in a way that was so casual that Magnus could feel rage emerging in his gut .
“What are you saying Alec? This is not what it is supposed to be. This is not a contract. I am not some business deal of yours. You can’t act like that towards me.”, he was sure Alec could hear his anger.
“No one said I was supposed to love you. We were just supposed to do this thing and we did. No need to get so emotional, Magnus.”
Magnus had lost all control over his anger. He couldn’t fathom what was happening. Alec had seemed nice, someone he could trust and build a life with. Why was this happening to him? This was his shot, his chance at not ending up alone. Why was Alec doing this to him? Why had he not said all these things before the fucking wedding?!
He got up because he couldn’t stay still, he had to physically move, to move his anger around because if it stayed at one place, it would burn that part of him. He had to do something to release it so he walked out the door, slamming it hard as he walked out. He went to the living room, picked up a knife and started to open his boxes because he couldn’t find anything else to do in that empty house.
After about ten minutes of processing Alec’s words, he went back to the guest room. Alec was still sitting at the same place, he looked startled at Magnus’s sudden entrance.
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Alec couldn’t cry, he wanted to but couldn’t. He tried but no tears would come out, perhaps he was out of tears. Magnus had slammed the door and walked out in anger. It hurt him to see that because no matter how much he denied, he had started to care about Magnus. Why else would he act distant? He couldn’t tell Magnus the truth and couldn’t be his lover either, so this was the only way out, wasn’t it? He had to be rude and insensitive towards Magnus. He couldn’t let his husband come close to him because he couldn’t be his husband in the proper way. He was right, Magnus wanted to give this relationship a chance but he couldn’t. In an alternate universe, he thought, he would have loved to get to know Magnus and perhaps be his friend, they could be best friends even, he could see the potential. However, here they were stuck in this mess of relationship s , half of which Magnus had no idea about. He didn’t know about Raj and he won’t ever.
Raj, oh how the pain was back in his memory. He was about to delve further into the hurt and sadness the thought of his first love brought, when he heard the door click and Magnus enter.
“Why didn’t you say all these things before the wedding? I know you did not lead me on in any way , did not drop any hints or any signs but you could have told me this outright.”, Magnus still sounded exasperated.
“I feel deceived, Alec. Why did you say yes to the marriage if you wanted to act like this?”
Alec shrugged, he didn’t know what to say. He would take the reason to his grave, he would never let his box of trauma spill outside his body. He heard Magnus sigh loudly.
“Let’s get a divorce. I can’t live like this.”, said Magnus. He sounded somewhat calm, yet still agitated, as if he was focussing all his strength into not losing his temper.
Alec was stunned at Magnus’s demand. He looked up at his husband, “What?”
He followed Magnus with his eyes as he came to sit on the chair opposite him. Magnus didn’t look as composed as he thought he did. Alec could see the frown lines clearly, also he wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Look, you clearly don’t want to give this a try. I have no idea why you would even agree to it, so let’s just end it. I don’t see the point of it.”
“Magnus, we can’t get divorced. What are you saying?”, said a very flustered Alec.
“Why not? Of course we can. You can’t act like this. I can’t do this.”
Alec was, once again at a loss for words and in a pool of tears. His tears had made a comeback at the mention of his biggest fear. He couldn’t get divorced. All hell would break loose for his family but more than that, for him. He would lose his escape. He couldn’t lose it, this was his shelter.
“I will give it a try. I’ll...I’ll...I’ll do it.”, Alec said stutteringly. The words were coming out of his mouth with an effort that was equivalent to the amount it would require to move a mountain.
Magnus touched his shoulder lightly, “Alexander…”
“No, Magnus you’re right. I am your husband. I’ll move into the room right now. We will try this.”
“I don’t want this out of force. You don’t -”
“No!”, he wasn’t letting Magnus finish his sentences because he couldn’t lose control over this situation. He couldn’t get divorced. “I was wrong earlier, I’ve realised it now. Let’s, let’s go to sleep.” He got up, took Magnus’s hand and led him to the main bedroom.
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They were both lying down, their backs facing each other. Both, lost in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. Magnus was testing some new waters altogether and Alec couldn’t stop the high tides hitting his life, one after the other.
Magnus had genuinely gone into the room with the resolve to break off their marriage. He had been so furious with Alec and life for blowing this up in his face. He had kept his anger at bay and asked Alec for a divorce. But then he had seen those beautiful hazel eyes swarming with tears and he had given in. He couldn’t have been angrier at himself for succumbing. Why did he have to melt, goddammit?! He had no idea what was up with Alec but when he had seen him cry and so frantic, he had lost all his resolve. He had never seen anyone look how Alec looked at that moment, so helpless and still refusing to ask or accept help. He had been in extremely helpless and desolate positions in his life. Perhaps that’s why, he along with the stupid heart of his, had decided to bring some solace to Alec. He could see Alec’s frail and ailing aura like his was at one point in his life; when Camille had cheated on him with his ex Imasu. He hadn’t found help but it didn’t mean that Alec wouldn’t either. Alec would have his stranger of a husband, who was too good to cause his own heartbreak, if it meant pulling someone out of pain and misery. Magnus wanted to be dejected for himself but suddenly, all his woes seemed to vanish into thin air. His constant fear of loneliness had taken a back seat. There was one more thing that had occupied his mind alongside Alec’s misery- his touch. Magnus had felt something, after ages perhaps, when Alec had touched him. He hadn’t felt it as much when they had ‘ kissed’ for the ceremony as much he had felt when Alec had held his hand to bring him to this room. Possibly because, this touch was initiated by Alec after saying that he’d give their relationship a chance. He knew, deep in his heart that Alec hadn’t meant it out of choice and that he was forcing himself to follow through with this marriage but Magnus hoped, like the fool that he was, leaping at every chance of companionship. He knew he shouldn’t and couldn’t hope but Orpheus had gotten through hell just because he hoped so why shouldn’t Magnus.
Alec, on the other hand felt like he was on a beach, except, during monsoons when the waves would only get higher and the water wouldn’t stop falling, neither from the sky nor from his eyes. He went from not being able to drop a single tear due to exhaustion to a flooded cheek in an hour’s time and the worst part was he couldn’t even cry louder because Magnus was next to him. He had agreed to make this marriage real but he had a zilch idea of how. This marriage was supposed to be his escape. It was supposed to be his gate pass to flee from situations that would ask of him a part of himself he couldn’t bear to give. However, now, making this marriage work would ultimately lead to exactly that. He had tried, tried so hard to share it with Raj, tried to work it within himself, built up his determination, even tried to force it but he wasn’t able to. This was something that led to the genesis of his trauma box and even filled a large part of it, something that played a huge part in who he was and something absolutely no one knew about. And he had every intention of taking it to his grave. He would never let anyone know what weakened him. He had to figure out how to work this entire thing with Magnus but he had hope because Magnus had seemed different. Magnus would perhaps stop if he said no.
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