Chapter Text
What if you never had cancer?
What if you never lost the battle and died?
You'll be alive and okay by now. But about us?
What if you never confessed your love first?
What if our stay in Paris was different?
What if our trip to Paris never happened?
What if I never asked you to come along with me?
What if I never decided to fly to Paris in the first place?
All these what-ifs are messing with my head...
What will happen to us then?
What if we took a different turn in our lives?
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We've known each other for years, Goeun.
We're so comfortable around each other that people think we're two lesbians dating. I mean, I don't mind. I did wish it was true that we're dating at the time though.
We're like soulmates. Or at least I think we are.
Why aren't we together when we know that we like each other? Because we're just friends.
Yeah. Really good friends.
"Je t'aime!" You said out of nowhere one day.
"What?" I asked.
"It's French for "I love you."
"You've been taking French lessons?"
"Yeah! I mean, why not? French is such a beautiful language, Chae. You should try learning French too."
You held my hand and smiled.
"Who knows, if I speak to you in French, it's like a code that only we would understand."
"It's not really a code if you're just gonna talk to me in a different language."
"Then let it be special then if I do." You insisted.
"Alright."
I couldn't wait any longer. I decided that today will be the day that I confess my love for you. If you won't say it, then I'll make the first move.
We met at the park and you told me about your day. I did nothing but smile and listen to every word you say. I waited for you to stop so I can finally tell you how I feel.
But as I was about to hold your hand, I saw a ring on your finger.
No way…
I froze and you noticed. My sight was locked on your ring, and you apologized to me.
Why are you apologizing? Please. No…
"I'm sorry, Chaeyoung. I'm… engaged."
"To who?"
You looked at me with worry and regret in your eyes.
"To someone I love."
"Oh. W-well, t-that's good! I'm happy for you!"
No. I'm heartbroken. How could you hide something like this from me? I don't even know the person you're getting married to.
But if the person marrying you loves you like the way you love them, then I guess I'm okay with it. It's your life, not mine.
Asking myself once more…
Why aren't we together?
Because we're friends. And I'll always be just your friend.
I guess I misunderstood what you meant by "like" and it wasn't the same as mine.
It hurts. Love hurts.
But attending your wedding made it hurt even more.
I looked at the invitation as I tried my best to hold in my tears while you exchanged vows with your soon-to-be spouse.
"Goeun and Yuki." It says at the back of the invitation.
It could've been us, Goeun.
No. It should've been us. But you chose someone who knew and understood you less.
Alone and gloomy at the reception I was until you came. You hugged me tightly. I felt your tears dropping down at my back.
You shouldn't be crying, Goeun. I should be the one who's crying.
I lost you to someone I didn't even know who existed. You hid them from me, and now you married them.
"I'm sorry, Chaeyoung."
"Stop apologizing, Goeun. This is your day."
"No! Let me apologize! I can't stand seeing you like this."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I'm scared of losing you! You're worth more than anyone I love and care about!"
"If that's the case, then why aren't we together? Why am I not the one you said yes to? Why am I not the one who stood with you at the altar to exchange vows and said "I do"?"
"Chaeyoung I…"
"I'm hurt, Goeun! I-"
I start to break down. No. Not now…
Tears started to flow, the sobbing came next. I cried like a baby.
I was weak and down on my knees and all I could feel was your arms wrapped around me with your head close to mine.
"Chaeyoung no. It hurts. Don't cry."
But I kept sobbing and wailing as you held me tight.
"Do you remember the French of I love you, Chae?"
"Je t'aime, right?"
"Right."
You kissed me on the lips and you made it last long. As I cupped your face, I felt tears flow down your cheeks and into my hand. You then whispered...
"Only I get to say I love you that way. Okay?"
It then hit me. What she said back then.
If she speaks French it's special.
"You shouldn't have kissed me. You're married. I don't deserve anything you wholeheartedly give me."
"You may not be my wife, but you are by far the most precious person I've ever met. You'll always have a place in my heart, Chae. No matter what, you'll always be mine, and I'll always be yours."
"Goeun…"
"Don't drift away, Chaeyoung."
I wish all this was just virtual reality.
Because it hurts too much.
But your "Je t'aime" will always have a place in my heart. And with that, I say "Je t'aime" back, even if I'll never hear those words the same ever again.
Goodbye, boddo.
Maybe in the next life, you'll be mine.