Chapter Text
The sounds of the sky are angry tonight, its flashes only dimmed down by Song hwa’s thin curtains. In times like these, Song hwa likes to bring her mind back to a simpler time. She thinks of the nights she and her brothers spent sprawled in front of the TV, waiting for their parents to come home. She thinks of the warmth of their laughers, the background filled with the rain’s heavy taps against the roof of their small house. It’s a moment she’ll never get back, she knows.
Still, she struggles to keep it in her mind; that odd feeling of happiness and youth and family that hasn’t been the same since she chose this life of long days, and even longer nights.
Song hwa turns to her side, only to be faced with the alarm clock that displays 2:30 AM in bold red lights. For the fourth time that week, Song hwa finds herself unable to sleep.
There’s a something that sits on top her chest that she can’t quite describe, a heaviness that she hasn’t been able get rid of since that night. These days, Song hwa finds herself thinking of the past at night; her memories always start with her childhood, her parent’s bantering, her brothers’ fights then their laughter, she thinks of the chaos and how it was never silent in that tiny house they all shared. Then when she comes back to the present, as she always does, the silence only seems deafening. It’s lonely.
Song hwa has thought about calling him these past few weeks, but he hasn’t even so much as sent her a text, and that reminder only brings back the burn to her throat that she has come to detest. She hates how she feels, small and young and vulnerable. She thinks she’s back to when she was eighteen, struggling, striving to get Ikjun’s attention, content even with the smallest of his smiles. She had come so far, she thinks, damn you Lee Ik jun.
Last weekend, in Seokhyung’s basement, everything had seemed almost normal. It had become a routine by now—eat, talk, laugh, sing, drink. It was comfortable though, a moment they could all rely on despite their changing lives. But Ikjun hadn’t even glanced at her, focused instead on teasing Jeongwon’s about his new relationship.
“Woah I’m surprised you even have time for us,” he tells him, eyes sparkling with amusement. “You better steal her away from my surgeries though eh,” he continues wagging his fingers now, voice mocking.
“I can’t help it that my surgeries are more interesting than yours.” Jeongwon’s voice is filled with laughter these days, breathy and at ease, and even Song hwa attempts to smile at his joy.
Later as they leave, he only he throws a little smile her way and Song hwa smiles back, slowly, keeps looking at his car driving away from her.
Between her sleepless nights and her evenings spent with the gritty mass of the sand, Song hwa has come to a realization. She thinks they are exactly where they are meant to be. She knows she doesn’t regret loving him- after all, it’s what led her to great friendships, and even growth. Back then, at eighteen, the her world was bright and filled with sunshine and love, and as time went on, as everything in her life changed, so did her love, and Song hwa knows that above all she’ll always be grateful to him.
He calls her late at night a little while after that. She thinks of ignoring his call. Although she’s glad that she also made her messy confession, she thinks that her pride is still a little hurt—it’s been weeks since that conversation without any words exchanged between them.
She takes a deep breath before answering the call, and “hi.” Her voice comes out squeaky.
“Hi” He’s tense tonight, Song hwa can tell. His voice doesn’t carry any inflections to it as he says- “I don’t regret it.”
“Regret what?” She asks him, and a sense of dread spreads in her chest.
“Getting married.” His voice is flat, and Song hwa can’t take a breath.
“Ok,” she says instead. There’s something in my throat, she thinks, it hurts.
“I don’t regret U-ju. I would…U-ju is my everything. It’s …I… U-ju is everything.” He says, and he seems to take a deep breath.
“Why would you regret U-ju of all things?” Song hwa asks, and she feels a little sick, she thinks her pillow is sinking into itself.
“it’s just…you said you liked me even before. I liked you too Song hwa, of course I did. How could I not. But…I don’t…it doesn’t mean that I regret the life I’ve lived. I have a son who means everything to me. This is not what I was doing—I wasn’t harboring some secret longing for you during all those times. I just..” His words are clunking together, and breath running out at the end of his phrase.
She still feels sick. Her head turns a little, the pillow sinks my throat really hurts, Song hwa thinks again. “When did I say that you had to regret anything? Did it come off that way? I just…I just wanted to be honest. It made me feel dirty if I didn’t. I wasn’t..I wasn’t saying that I loved you all this time, I was just..I was just being honest.” Song hwa wants her voice to go cold, but they come out shaky instead, trembling lips and all.
“I know. I just…I wanted to be honest too. I loved having you beside me, always, all this time. As my friend, I’ve loved you, always. But…I keep, argh, I keep thinking of how you must have felt, and I want to say sorry. But I’m not. I loved you, of course I did. U-ju though, I just…” He seems resigned, and the line goes quiet on both ends. And Song hwa thinks she understands, of course she does. He mind starts to clear again, her head stops floating.
“I know Ik jun. I love U-ju too you know. I wouldn’t wish anything to be different, but I wondered if it would make any difference to you, that I—” she pauses, takes a breath. “I just, I understand Ikjun, I know.” She hopes he understands what she means. She wishes then that she could see him, wishes she could look at his face to study what he was thinking.
The line has gone quiet again, and Song hwa lets out a soft sigh.
“Song hwa,” he says then, his voice is light now. “I like you. I don’t mean in a school boy crush kind of way. I mean, I really like you. I like you when you make jokes, I like you when we eat, I like you so much.” He lets out a little laugh, light. Song hwa smiles, grin wide, she knows he understands.
“Would you go out with me? I mean do you like me right now?” He lets out a derisive laugh out then. “I’m a coward, but I will make it all up to you, you know.” He’s gone a little self-depreciating now, and Song hwa wants to tell him to stop. But she knows that will only come with time.
“Cool,” she says softly. “Yeah, ok.” Her voice is still a whisper, and she suddenly feels shy, like a school girl in front of crush.
“Cool,” he whispers too, and the moment changes, turns fragile. “Yeah, cool” he says again, voice sure now, slightly teasing, filled with laughter.
The line is silent again, and Song hwa feels the warms spreading through her cheeks, tries to get a hold of herself, Ikjun – it’s just Ikjun.
He laughs suddenly, and it booms against the silence that was just there, and she laughs too, startled, at the ridiculousness of it all.
It takes two days and a half before Ikjun makes the drive to Sokcho, and Song hwa struggles to calm down. She doesn’t feel anxious exactly- more shy, more anticipating than anything else. She changes the color of her lipstick exactly three times, brushes her hair exactly twice and straightens out her top before she sees him.
He’s full of smiles, and he doesn’t seem to share any of Song hwa’s shyness. Instead, he looks playful today, comfortable in his black hoodie that’s become slightly bunched up at the bottom.
“This was supposed to be your easy year, you know. You’re supposed to take it easy. I bet you don’t even need to come in as much you do. Gosh you’re such a nerd.” The usual banter, the usual smile, the usual expression, Song hwa feels herself ease up a little.
They’re walking out of her office for lunch. I’ll buy you some beef, Ikjun told her the night before. Who was she to argue?
“Stop nagging me, you’ve only been here for five minutes.” She tells him, teasing back.
“Workaholic.” He bites back.
“Party animal.” She grins.
“Is that supposed to be an insult?” He asks, amused.
They walk back like that and Song hwa is grateful for the parts of them that won’t ever change.
They settle in a cozy seafood bar at the corner of the street that seems too small on the inside. Song hwa stares at the walls, focuses on the pattern of the dark and light wood than goes up and down then up again. She tries to keep calm as Ikjun looks at their menu, wonders if she should act like she’s on her first date or if she should just pretend that she’s seeing an old friend that’s making her flutter and warm in all the right places.
“Have you been here before?” Ikjun asks, voice too casual and eyes glued to the menu. He’s nervous too, then. Song hwa grins, chest suddenly light.
“I thought you were buying me beef. You and your promises,” she says and keeps her smile to let him know she wasn’t being serious.
He finally looks up at her, eyes crinkling at the sides, face light and smiling, and Song hwa thinks that this is one her favorite things. She looks at his eyes again, focusing on his wrinkles that have formed when he smiles, have they always been there?
“You think I would come all the way to Sokcho and just eat beef?” he says, and his brows are furrowed the same way as when he is trying not to laugh.
“Of course. My bad, you’re just here for the unique seafood experience.”
“Of course,” he says, and Song hwa feels his gaze fixed on her now, and feels the warmth trickle down to her toes.
The day passes by like that—it’s surprisingly easy, it’s Ikjun after all. It’s different in ways that make her squirm, and later that evening, as they’re looking at the vast sea, Ikjun says,
“I like you, you know.” His voice has turned serious, and Song hwa turns to look at him. He seems to be desperate to let her know, and the way his brows are pulled together make Song hwa’s heart beat just a little quicker. “I really, really like you. Doing whatever it is with you, just like this, seeing you, I just…” he clears his throat “I like you.”
“Yeah.” Song hwa whispers, the sound of the sea is the only thing than can be heard, and it’s oddly comforting. “I really like you too,” she smiles. She looks down then, feeling brave all of the sudden. “I want you to be happy, always, so just..” she cuts of, throat suddenly dry.
He only touches her cheeks though, tucks in a strand of hair behind her ear. He fingers are warm, soft, solid, and Song hwa swallows, looking up at him.
Later that evening, the way he kisses her is soft too , lightly at first, just leaving enough heat to make her crave him. But she pushes forward, kisses him back, and when she runs out of air, she drops little kisses on his cheeks instead, light like feathers.
Then everything just… clicks into place, as it’s meant to.