Chapter Text
Yoo Jonghyuk stood in front of a closed door.
It was clearly a simple wooden door, lacking even a proper lock, but he might’ve as well been standing in front of the final wall. The distance between him and the person inside seemed to stretch into a long, long train, filled with barriers he couldn’t break past. His hand on the doorknob trembled.
Slowly, taking a deep breath, Yoo Jonghyuk opened the door.
Kim Dokja was lying on the bed with his back turned to him. It reminded Yoo Jonghyuk of their disastrous conversation a week ago. They’d talked about the hidden scenario back then too, Yoo Jonghyuk had even asked , but Kim Dokja hadn’t told him anything.
Yoo Jonghyuk didn’t understand why . Weren’t they companions in life and death? Hadn’t they made it this far by trusting their backs to each other? So why was it that Kim Dokja always decided to suddenly throw their rhythm and fight on his own whenever he needed someone to watch his back the most?
Did he think so lowly of Yoo Jonghyuk he thought he couldn’t even protect a child that was part his?
Han Sooyoung’s words from earlier echoed in his ears. She had said some poisonous things, things that had made him bristle with the urge to grab her and make her stop , but she hadn’t been wrong. No, Yoo Jonghyuk didn’t think Han Sooyoung even knew how right she had been.
Yoo Jonghyuk did want Kim Dokja’s love.
He wanted to monopolize it, to keep it for himself. Kim Dokja radiated a light that he’d never known before. He was simply too dazzling, twinkling warmly in the never-ending darkness of the star-stream. Whenever they encountered the end, Kim Dokja let himself catch on fire and fall just so his companions’ wish could get granted by a shooting star.
And Yoo Jonghyuk, the foolish man that he was, had wished for something forbidden.
“Kim Dokja...” He said before pausing. He didn’t know how to start. Whatever he wanted to say seemed somewhat incomplete, as if he was missing words.
On the bed, Kim Dokja’s tense shoulders had actually relaxed. It was like he didn’t even have the energy to be on edge anymore. Yoo Jonghyuk licked his lips before starting again.
“Kim Dokja,” he repeated, “why didn’t you tell me?”
It wasn’t what he should’ve said, not really. What he owed Kim Dokja was an apology, not a demand, but the two of them had never operated in normal ways anyway. More than that, Yoo jonghyuk felt like he needed to ask this before anything else. Only then would he be able to find the words he wanted to say. Kim Dokja seemed to understand.
“Why didn't I tell you?” he hummed, “no reason, just didn’t want to bother you with my problems. You didn’t ask for this after all.”
Yoo Jonghyuk blinked dumbly. “How did I not ask for this?”
“Do you really want me to say this?” Kim Dokja finally turned around. Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes widened at the tears running down his face, “I took advantage. I know that. You were out of your mind and instead of stopping you, I went along with it. I caused this mess all on my own.”
Yoo Jonghyuk’s world had been shaken far too many times in one day. Now hearing Kim Dokja’s words, it shook once again, making all sorts of thoughts and feelings quiver and fall from their shelves. A dozen seemingly unconnected memories passed through his mind.
Kim Dokja, sick and somehow always tired. Him staying out of attack-range in the scenarios instead of jumping to the frontlines, only for Yoo Jonghyuk himself to force him forward. Kim Dokja shrinking back everytime Yoo Jonghyuk tried to grab him, overly cautious of the rough touches they had always exchanged.
How on earth was any of this Kim Dokja’s fault?
“How did you take advantage ?” he spit out, hate directed at no one but himself bubbling up in his chest, “wasn’t I the one who lost his mind?”
“You must’ve been affected by my wishes.” the fool said, looking utterly convinced, and then as if talking to himself added more, “Yoo Jonghyuk has a steel grip over his emotions. He would never fail this scenario on his own.”
He sounded like he was reciting an absolute truth and perhaps he might’ve been correct if this was the original protagonist from Ways of Survival. After all, the Yoo Jonghyuk Kim Dokja knew had never once failed the hidden scenario in any of the 1863 turns. It was too bad that he’d forgotten to take one important thing into account. In this regression, there was a variable that had never been present before: Kim Dokja himself.
But then again, Kim Dokja always underestimated the effect he had on other people.
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m not. Yoo Jong-”
“So you know what my wish is better than myself?” He growled. His heart ached to be gentle to Kim Dokja, but both of them were missing pieces when it came to that. It was truly a funny match, the man who never learned gentleness and the one who didn’t know how to receive it. “Your wishes are your own and mine are mine. Don’t make my desires sound so cheap. Whatever I did, it came from my own heart.”
The words held bite, but their meaning was clear. “If I regret one thing from that night, it’s that I don’t remember it.”
Kim Dokja stared at him blankly like he couldn’t understand him. Tears were still running down his cheeks.
Yoo Jonghyuk felt a frown form on his brows, “Just what does it take for you to get it, you fool? I’m saying I love you. Enough that I lost myself in the hidden scenario.”
Kim Dokja’s lips trembled. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand, but rather he didn’t dare to believe it. For a second, he considered this to be a cruel joke, but Yoo Jonghyuk had never been one to pull such pranks. No, in all the times he’d spent with the man, in the ten years he’d known him, not once had he said something he didn’t mean.
Yoo Jonghyuk was beginning to look impatient now. He wrinkled his brow and raised a hand. Kim Dokja thought he was going to slap him to snap him out of his daze, but he simply wiped a tear away. He jerked away like this caused him more pain than a blow.
Yoo Jonghyuk grabbed his cheeks before he could move back, holding his eyes as if he wanted to cut off all his escape routes. His grip wasn’t exactly gentle, but it was grounding. “I already told you how I feel.” he said in a low voice, “Kim Dokja, what is your answer?”
Just then, the door slammed open and a shadow darted into the room. It was a small woman covered in demon blood and bandages, her hair bristling above her hair like a cornered cat’s fur. “You fucking bastard, you still have the face to come here? Who-”
Yoo Jonghyuk ignored Han Sooyoung. As if their conversation hadn’t been interpreted at all, he continued to hold Kim Dokja’s gaze. He was waiting for an answer.
Kim Dokja closed his eyes and said the words he’d been holding in for a very, very long time. “I love you too.”
‘I always have.’