Chapter Text
Gerald’s POV
Two days have passed since Katarina's mental breakdown and everything has gone as well as can be expected from a situation. Until this week I never thought I would have to deal with such an unusual situation as it is Katarina’s existential crisis. It is really worrying how she is able to hide herself behind a mask of perpetual happiness and unconcern.
A long time ago I came to the conclusion that I could never understand her, but it is quite disturbing my lack of understanding of her. She could be blind with romance, but at least she can say she really knows me, I am not sure if I even can say that. I almost thank this incident that caused Katarina to lose her memory, for giving me clues to understand her a bit, and calling my attention to how much I have neglected her.
Finding out that Katarina has actually lived in fear of my betrayal, while quite disturbing, finally explains why Katarina is sometimes scared by random things around me. There were always those moments when she seemed suddenly frightened by sudden things before getting lost in her thoughts and resuming her usual behavior.
-"Is something wrong, Chitose?" I asked looking at her with some amusement, noticing that she was staring at me.
-"I just remembered that Mary told me yesterday that you were a prince". She said while still staring at me, as if she was trying to understand something.
-“Yes, I am, Chitose. I thought you already knew". I said with amusement without understanding what was going through her head.
-“I know, but it's something strange. I guess it was easier to see them like that at the beginning, but it's strange now". She said thoughtfully, causing my intrigue.
-"Why would that be, Chitose?" I asked and she gently bit her lower lip. She used to do when she concentrated when she was younger, before she broke her habit at her mother's insistence.
-"You all seem normal people. Sure, somewhat talented and educated, but nothing that is not expected from a group of rich children". She commented slowly. “And all of you seem too human. So much so that I don't think of you as Fortune Lover characters or important people all the time". She added awkwardly, surprising me a bit.
It's pretty good to know that she can really distinguish reality from fiction, but it is quite unexpected that talk about me like I was a normal person despite my title. I was always considered as the talented and perfect third prince, I have always ensured that my manners and overall skills were impeccable, largely because I admit to being somewhat perfectionist.
And although I know that without a doubt Katarina has always seen us all as equals despite titles, reaching the point of throwing fake snakes at me, this is the first time that she has directly told me that I am normal and human to her. She is possibly the only person in all of Sorcie who is not interested in titles.
In hindsight, if we had made our commitment to her at a time when she had really been listening to me, she would have refused without even thinking about it. Luckily I managed to get her to accept both times.
-"It's quite interesting to hear it".
-"Isn't it annoying?" She asked awkwardly and I looked at her curiously. "Everything about the nobility seems a nuisance, and surely being a prince must be the most annoying thing in the world, I would really hate to be in your place". She said sincerely and I smiled.
-"I can imagine it". I said with some amusement.
It's fun to hear someone say that in addition to not caring about titles, they would hate to be in my shoes.
We continued talking, mainly I questioned her about various interesting things in her world until she sighed with some boredom and anxiety evident from the movement of her hands. A fairly recurring movement in her when she was little, before they managed to correct it.
When we were little she thought that was some kind of habit, just like the way she used to bite her lip, now it's evident that it was anxiety.
- "Is there something bothering you, Chitose?"
- "It's nothing, I just... I really miss technology." She sighed and I looked at her with understanding.
After being in such an advanced world, it stands to reason that it must be difficult for her to adjust.
-"I can imagine it".
- “It's not like I don't enjoy the talks, I love being able to talk with you. It's just that I wish I could do something else". She added awkwardly.
- "Do you want to sing or read a book?" I asked, hoping to give a solution to her problem and she shook her head.
- "I don't feel like singing today and honestly, although the novels are better than I expected, reading gives me a bit of a headache." I looked at her with interest and some concern.
- "Does reading give you a headache?" I asked and she nodded.
- “Yes, it is something strange. What happens is that I am used to reading Japanese and when I read the books of this world, although I understand them, it feels something strange”. She said thoughtfully. "Sometimes when I read I get to a point where I end up disoriented or dizzy, and my ADHD doesn't help much."
- "ADHD?" I asked curiously.
- "Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder". I looked at her with more intrigue and she sighed, complaining a bit about having to explain. “That is something that is used to describe people with my behavior, so to speak. People with ADHD have a hard time sitting still, paying attention, and that sort of thing. That is why I have always had a bad time at school”. She explained herself.
Interesting.
As expected, she lost herself again in her thoughts before saying that she had an idea about what we could do, she said a few words in Japanese before happily getting up and going to her room. I heard several rumbles coming from her room, I couldn't help but laugh a little at her antics, trying to think what was going through her mind.
- "My lady, do you need help?"
- "It isn’t necessary. I already found what I was looking for". She said before appearing with a chest in her hands, smiling widely. "I found this yesterday". She set the chest on the floor with a smile and opened it revealing quite a few strange items.
- "And what would this be?" I asked curiously and she smiled widely beginning to explain the contents of the box.
There was a board with a gridded boards for strategy oriented games, one similar to chess called Shogi, another called Go that seems to focus on siege and ambush techniques, both of which looked quite interesting.
There were also strange games such as a wooden cube with colored faces, wooden tablets from a game called Jenga, a deck of cards, a spinning top, a kind of doll made up of wooden cylinders with a small wooden hammer, something she called taketonbo, some cloth balls stuffed with some kind of seeds and a kind of labyrinth in relief with holes and a ball.
Katarina spoke enthusiastically about each game and I absently took a small book from the box as she listened intently to her descriptions. The title of the little book was "Guide to Surviving Boredom", I absently looked at the book noticing that there were several drawings, plans and descriptions of the games, with small comments on each page.
It isn't fair. Now that I'm done making the shogi game with the help of the gardener Tom I just noticed that I don't have the foggiest idea how to explain the kanji in the pieces. Gardener Tom doesn't seem to care, but surely others will be suspicious. So I can only play with Gardener Tom for now.It's a shame. Surely I could have had fun with Nicol and Gerald. We may be friends, it is difficult to find things that we can talk about, since we have nothing in common outside of our friends. Although I suppose Nicol is always aware of the novels by Sofia. Maybe we could try making a game of Go? It doesn't have kanji after all.
Did she really do that for me and Nicol?
Of the group, we were always the ones who shared the least common tastes with Katarina. Sophia and Katarina talk about books, Mary and Katarina are dedicated to agriculture and gardening, Alan has that of competitions with Katarina, and Keith lives with Katarina. In addition to the times of our normal talks and when Katarina drags us into her madness (all equally), probably Nicol and I are the only ones who do not share a common activity with her.
She really thought about getting closer to me doing this couple of games. Sure, she thought about Nicol too, but it's still something special. And Nicol is not even a rival, since he would not dare to go against me. Unlike the others, he is smart enough to keep away from what I want.
-"Something happens?" She asked her with concern and I shook my head.
- "It's nothing, I'm just amazed by the ingenuity of these games of yours." She didn't question anything and then looked at me with a smile.
- "In that case, which one do you want to play?" She cheerfully asked and I pondered for a second thinking about the brief explanations of her games.
Shogi is like chess but with different moves, so it could be a bit complicated without a more complete explanation. The Go on the other hand seemed easy enough.
- "The GO would be fine." I replied with a smile, putting Katarina's notebook back in the box.
Katarina instantly flipped the board from Shogi's side to Go's side and began to speak, explaining the rules in a little more detail as we started to play. Apparently this board was for the basic level, because the normal one was 19X19 lines.
It was quite interesting to play, Katarina never ceased to amaze me with her unpredictable and chaotic movements as she progressed. Everything she did seemed random and meaningless to the naked eye. I was trying to make barriers or forts, and she would place a seemingly random piece, she would try to attack and she would easily sacrifice a piece or two, and then somehow I found myself losing. With the board full of black pieces except for a few small settlements of white pieces.
- "It seems I won". She said with a beautiful yet smug smile that she doesn't normally display. "I think I could forget to notice that I am an expert in Go and Shogi. I used to play with my grandparents and their friends to spend time with them, I was their favorite after all." She said with a somewhat sad smile, tears seemed to form in her eyes, although before she even managed to think of anything she shook her head and smiled at me. "Thanks for playing with me, Gerald-kun".
- "With pleasure, Chitose." It was all I could say and she smiled.
She smiled like everything was fine, and if I hadn't seen her expression from her just a few minutes ago, I would have completely believed her.
How many times has she fooled on me like that?
She knows me perfectly. She has always known when something hurts or I am sick just by seeing me, she is able to know if I am upset or worried about something, she knows my likes and dislikes. She is able to see me and accept me for who I really am, she sees me as an equal despite everything and she means everything to me.
Why don't I really know her the same way?
I simply assumed that she was a simple but chaotic girl, ignoring the fact that apparently she was all this time the mixture of a lost and scared girl, who thought she was on death row. She was a lost girl, who thought she would never have any value to us, she was ready to lose everything at any moment and she smiled at us.
She smiled as if everything was fine.
She smiled to hide the pain from her.
She just cheated on us with a smile, day after day...
I think I finally understand where all the talent that she showed in the play comes from, when she had to act the role of the bad stepsister.
- "Prince Gerald, it's time for lunch." Anne reported and even though I really didn't want to leave, I had to. We had decided to do it at lunchtime to have the whole afternoon off with Katarina, I couldn't just skip the meeting, especially since I'm the student council president and I couldn't miss the rest of the classes for the day either.
Time passed slowly, as I could not see my beloved Katarina until after classes, however before I could go to my destination, I was intercepted by my servants. I had asked my servants before Katarina's collapse to search for things from the eastern kingdoms to cheer Katarina up.
We may be in a truce period, but she is still my fiancée and if some gifts besides making her feel better, give me a better place in her heart, I don't see anything wrong. It shouldn't be much different from the times I invite her to tea and give her the best sweets and cakes in the kingdom.
- "Prince Gerald, here are the exotic gifts we got for Lady Claes." The servant said, beginning to present a wide variety of gifts.
The first was a different variety of tea and fine silk of different colors, mainly blue and purple, Katarina's favorite colors. I briefly examined the fabric, I could tell the Claes seamstress to make other clothes for Katarina.
They also showed me a weapon, some kind of dagger with an incredibly thin blade and a wood imitation, with some scrolls with pictures and letters similar to Katarina's.
- “Since Lady Claes enjoys sword training, we thought she might be interested in this. The noble women of the eastern kingdoms carry short swords hidden in their clothing to defend themselves.
Possibly Katarina might become interested in that blade, although considering her recent mental breakdown, I shouldn't give her the blade for some time.
Finally they showed me some quite exotic flowers, there were some white, some pink and some of an intense red color. I got closer to see the red flowers whose thin and wavy petals quite extravagant. It wasn’t an ordinary flower, it seemed to be special in somehow and beautiful. It was just like Katarina, strange but beautiful.
- “That flower is a variety of lily, they call it red spider lily. It is new to sorcie marking and is becoming very popular for its exotic appearance". She explained herself and I smiled.
I think I'll bring you the tea and the flowers. Since there are no sweets, I don't think my gift will get a great reception, but at least she will be happy.
I happily took the bouquet of flowers and asked one of my servants to deliver the tea to a servant of the Claes. Anne opened the door for me and I happily walked in to see my beloved Katarina laughing happily as she talked to them, she got up to greet me and saw the bouquet as if she recognized the flowers.
- "Chitose, I have a present to you". I said bringing the bouquet towards her so that she could see it better.
- "Higanbana". She murmured, staring at the exotic red flower, and after a few seconds lost in thought she smiled. "Thank you very much, the bouquet looks good."
Anne took the bouquet and Katarina returned to her seat to continue talking happily with the others, although there was something strangely wrong with her...
She was smiling broadly and she was laughing, although there was something different about her. She seemed to be avoiding seeing me or others in her eyes, she occasionally touched her neck and seemed to get lost in her thoughts more than usual. We looked at each other with some concern, it was more than evident to everyone that something was wrong.
- "Chitose, are you alright?" Maria asked for everyone and immediately Katarina tensed, although she smiled widely.
-"Everything is alright". Her smile almost seemed to be frozen on her face and her gaze seemed to drift towards the vase in which the flowers of the bouquet now rested…. The bouquet!
- "Chitose, is there a problem with the bouquet I brought you?" I asked and her smile faltered. She was lost in thought of her again, and she looked at me for the first time, looking quite scared and nervous.
-"It depends". She gently stroked her neck with growing nervousness. "You…? It's some… ”her voice failed her and she seemed to panic for a moment, frantically touching her neck as if she was beginning to choke in front of us.
I looked at her completely frozen by her strange reaction, a reaction that I had caused somehow. Mary and Sofía began to say soothing words to her, María stood in front of Katarina taking her hands so that she would not hurt her neck and to calm her down. She calmed down, managed to calm her breathing. Katarina's soft sobs were heard and none of us was able to do anything but watch her.
- "I'm so sorry. I don’t know what happened to me. I just felt like I suddenly couldn't breathe." Katarina apologized with embarrassment.
-"Do not worry". We all told her, trying not to make her feel bad about whatever happened to her.
And I was getting more and more worried. I tried to solve the mistake I must have done and while I did my effort to keep calm, to not set the bouquet of flowers on fire. I also had and unexpected desire of hit my head against the wall.
Katarina soon found herself being hugged by Lady Mary and Sofia, with Maria by Sofia's side, still holding Katarina's hands firmly.
Even if I don’t like it, they have everything under control.
-"Did I do something wrong?" Katarina asked doubtfully, looking genuinely scared.
-"No, you didn't do anything wrong". I said quickly and she looked at me with some doubt.
-"So, is it a message or a joke?" She asked fearfully, in a voice so soft that it was hard for me to hear.
A message or a joke?
-“I think there is a misunderstanding. I only asked some servants to look for exotic flowers from the east, thinking you would like it”. I explained slowly and she took a deep breath, calming down.
- "I see ... It's not to offend or anything, but I really don't like higanbana, especially not now."
Higanbana… that was the name she said when she saw the bouquet.
- "I have no problem, although I don't know which ones you are talking about." I repeated.
- "The red ones". She explained herself and immediately Anne began pulling them out of the bouquet. "Thanks". We look at her without understanding.
- "Is something wrong with those flowers?" Alan asked about me and she giggled.
- “Not if it wasn’t for some hidden reason that they gave them to me, although it is not the type of flowers that I would like to see right now. That lily… How is it called here?" She asked awkwardly.
- "Red spider lily". I answered and she nodded.
- “The red spider lily has a bad reputation, it is called the flower of hell and is quite related to death or in the best of cases separation. On the one hand, they say that when two lovers can’t stay together, a spider lily is born to symbolize their separation, and it is also generally given to the dead. It is more than certain that they would have given me one of those flowers when I died”. She paused a little, glancing awkwardly at her cookies.
I looked at Katarina feeling horribly guilty.
"And there was something horrible that people used to do in schools." She said shyly. “Even if it never happened at my school, as far as I know. I do know that when bullying got to particularly cruel levels, bullies used to give spider lily to someone they really hate like a message. That was called a suicide bait".
- "What do you mean when you talk about a suicide bait?" Keith asked to her with horror. And as well as us, he seemed to be pleading that Katarina made a mistake at her selection of words.
We all were hopping to her to say it was an innocent mistake.
I know of threats, I myself have threatened several nobles. Threats are not uncommon in this society. But from threats and that kind of thing to something like that from which you can't even gain anything more than the simple desire to end someone's life...
I had never heard of such a thing.
And does the fact that they call it a suicide bait mean that there are people bad enough to consider it?
-“Yes, that was the way to tell that person that they were already dead for everyone, or that it would be better, if they just died and that kind of thing. Sometimes people listened. The issue of bullying was serious in Japan". We all immediately looked at her in horror.
Yes, that definitely sounds as bad as I thought.
How the hell does someone as innocent as her know that kind of thing?
- "How could anyone even think of something so terrible?" Maria asked genuinely terrified and on the verge of tears, and Katarina shrugged her shoulders.
-"No idea. I just know what happens". She answered.
- "And you thought that I had given you the flowers with those intentions." I commented to myself, completely horrified and tired as she nodded awkwardly.
- "Yes, I could have thought that you had chosen the indirect route, or that perhaps you had changed your mind about keeping me alive. Or that it was simply a cruel joke about my death." She looked incredibly small in the arms of Mary and Sofia. I got up and crouched down to face her, Mary giving me a killer look the whole time, and Katarina stopped talking.
And is Katarina supposed to be optimistic?
I tried to ignore her current revealing outfit, as she had another one of those short skirts that she didn't even wear to cover her knees. Although I have gotten used to it or maybe resigned to see that outfit on her, it was quite uncomfortable to be in my current position. This position doesn't feel as dignified as it should.
- “No, it is definitely not the case, those flowers were a mistake. You really, really, really are important to us and we will never change our mind". I said seriously. "That was just a failed gift".
-"I know. And I also know that you guys wouldn't, you are too nice to me despite all the trouble I cause you. I just couldn't just look at the flowers without thinking about my death and then I could end up thinking about the other thing". She said awkwardly. "And the other flowers in the bouquet are beautiful, they were a very nice and sweet detail." She said sincerely, looking towards the vase with a small smile.
-"Are you serious?" I asked cautiously and she nodded with a smile.
- “Maybe it doesn't seem like it, but I like flowers. I admit that I might prefer to see them in gardens like Mary-chan's beautiful garden, but overall I like them. Despite my nonsense, I really liked the flowers”. She said it honestly.
- “I can hardly call what you've been through nonsense. Are you okay keeping the rest of the flowers? " I asked and she looked at me in confusion. "You don't have to keep them if they make you think about things ... less desirable." She looked at me in some surprise.
-"Oh, come on, I don't think it's that bad." She said awkwardly and turned her gaze back to the flowers, I could see her gaze darkening. "Or maybe yes. When did I become as pitiful as to see death in a bouquet of flowers?" She muttered uncomfortably to herself. "I'm sorry, Gerald-kun." She said she in a whisper.
-"No problem it's OK". I said softly.
-"Anne, get rid of the bouquet." Keith asked.
-“You could just move the flowers to another place, I don't like the idea of just letting them throw them away. That seems like a waste of money and it's not like the flowers are to blame". She asked awkwardly and I nodded.
- "We can move them to the student council room." I offered and she nodded silently. I returned to my place.
Katarina looked pretty bummed now, though that was definitely better than seeing her hiding behind a perpetual, stiff smile, trying to make us think she's okay at all times. Mary and Sofia continued huddled hugging Katarina, who now looked more relaxed and even comforted by her closeness.
Katarina's personal maid brought a tray with cups of green tea, and she had to apologize for the delay as they apparently didn’t know how to make the tea and had to ask other servants familiar with green tea for help. Katarina recognized the tea, looked at it in surprise as she took the cup from her.
-"Matcha". She murmured.
-"My servants got green tea. They said that it was what the tea that people of the eastern countries drinks". I said receiving cup, not paying much attention to the green water.
-"Yes, this was the tea that was drunk in Japan." She said looking at the teacup silently, with a wistful expression. She took a silent sip with a blank look. "I used to have tea with my grandmother and we talked about our lives, she always ended up giving me her advice". She laughed softly as tears began to trickle down her cheeks.
I took a sip of tea while not taking my gaze from her, almost spitting out the first sip of her. The taste was incredibly bitter and different from black tea. From the way Katarina happily drank it, I can tell it's well done, it must be some kind of acquired taste. I don't think I can enjoy it anytime soon, although I can finish my cup.
"Thanks for the tea, Gerald-kun, it's good to have familiar things here."
I just looked at her not knowing what to say. She was crying silently, giving me a dazzling smile and giving me a genuinely grateful yet strangely nostalgic look. I think this is the first time that Katarina have liked a gift from me so much.
-"With pleasure. I’m glad that you liked it so much, if there is something more of this style I can try to get it for you”. I offered.
- "Hontoni arigato gozaimasu". Katarina… no, Chitose said it bowing slightly. I didn't understand what she said, because she said it in her native language, but I could feel her appreciation.
Katarina began to talk about various preparations with green tea, which Maria listened carefully and we discovered that contrary to how it is here, young people our age do not meet for tea. And, although she seemed more animated than before, she kept crying as she spoke. She struggled to keep smiling and seemingly put aside whatever was bothering her, until she finally couldn't keep smiling.
"I miss everything so much".
She can normally pretend that she's okay, she can fake strength and confidence in front of everyone as it is easy as breathing. She can fool us all with ease, without even thinking about it. But despite everything she is incredibly honest with us since the rune incident, like Chitose, the girl who lost everything. Chitose trusted us even though she couldn't remind us that she was able to be vulnerable and asking for support.
Even if it's sad to see her crying, I wish Katarina would continue like this after remembering her life with us. Seeing her cry and hearing her sad stories from her, it is better than seeing her smile constantly to hide the fact that she really believes us capable of betraying her at any moment.