How the Story Ends

Kosaku has seen a lot in his short life but nothing, not even that time they got into a prank war with the Inarizaki girl’s volleyball team, prepared him for this. After Suna’s frenzied run down of what he heard in the hallway, chaos erupts in the Ginjima household. For GInjima’s sake, Kosaku is glad that the rest of his family decided to go bowling tonight rather than stay home and listen to the increasingly louder and more unhinged chaos that every sleepover he’s ever been to with these idiots has devolved into.

Rocking back and forth in front of the couch is Atsumu. Big, fat tears leave wet tracks down his face before falling onto the rug. It takes less than a minute for him to become a snotty mess. Meanwhile, in the span of a few minutes, Osamu’s entire demeanor has changed. Where moments ago he was off on a cloud, head empty save for the few brain gremlins who hadn’t quit yet left behind and working overtime, now there is a fire in his eyes that Kosaku doesn’t recognize. The Osamu of a few minutes ago couldn’t have hurt more than a fly — Atsumu not included — but this Osamu is out for blood. This Osamu is ready to attack.

And it’s not only the Miya twins who are affected. Ginjima is green in the face though it’s impossible to know for sure if that’s a result of Aran and Kita’s impending breakup or whatever it was he witnessed going on between Suna and Osamu in the bathroom. Maybe he should bring him a bucket — just in case. Suna is hunched over his phone, brows furrowed and pinched together in concentration as he taps away furiously at the screen. It might be the most expressive he's ever seen Suna. Kosaku is lowkey impressed but he figures that now probably isn’t the time to congratulate Suna on his improved range of facial expressions.

Instead, he asks, “What are you doing?” And peers over Suna's shoulder at the phone.

“Asking the council for help!”

“The council?”

“Reddit,” he snaps like Kosaku is the dumb one. Suna hits the enter button then hastily shoves the phone into his hands. Kosaku holds the phone away from him and blinks at the screen, fully aware that he probably looks like an old grandpa who can’t see for shit.

MY CAPTAISN WHOM I LOVE ARE FIGHTING AND I THINK THEY MIGHT BREAK UP BUT THEY CANT THEY ARE PERFECT TOGETHER WHAT DO I DO

Kosaku blinks. “I’ll leave that to you then.” He shuffles over to Akagi where he is hovering over a still distraught Atsumu. In one hand he holds a box of tissues and with the other he shoves them unceremoniously at Atsumu, not bothering to check that they actually make it into Atsumu’s hand before letting go. There is a small, growing mountain of fluffy, white paper at Atsumu’s feet and even though it’s nearly enough to last a lifetime, Akagi continues to pull tissue after tissue from the box. He supposes that everyone has their own way of coping. If dropping tissues on a sobbing Atsumu is bringing Akagi some kind of solace, then who is Kosaku to judge?

But, even through all of this chaos around him, there is still one question bugging him.

“Osamu—” It’s a little unnerving to have Osamu’s fired up and downright murderous look turned on him but it’s nothing compared to the death glare Osamu is capable of shooting when he’s hungry. Kosaku has seen worse. He’s seen far worse. “How do you know that Aran and Kita are breaking up?” It’s a critical point they skimmed over in the aftermath of Osamu’s earth-shattering announcement.

Osamu turns on his heels to point at Suna.

“I heard them talking,” Suna says slowly. “On my way to ask them to settle that argument.”

“Suna Rintarou,” Akagi says, “were you eavesdropping?”

“No. ”

“Sounds like you were eavesdropping,” Akagi taunts.

“Akagi,” Kosaku says, “you sound remarkably calm about this.” Kosaku knows that the Inarizaki boys volleyball team second years are some of the most dramatic bitches he’s ever met and using them as a baseline to judge Akagi’s reaction isn’t the most accurate choice.

Like flipping a switch, Akagi’s face grows dim. “This is terrible.” Akagi paces around the room with his thumb and pointer finger cupping his chin. Kosaku assumes he’s trying to look cool, contemplative, and smart but Kosaku just thinks he looks stupid.

“What’s terrible?”

“Aran and Kita have been stressed out, you know, more than usual, lately. And Oomimi and I hear ‘em yelling about something outside the gym last week.” Akagi runs a hand through his hair as he comes to a stop in the center of the room. “At the time Oomimi and I just wrote it off. Everyone argues a little sometimes but maybe there was more to it than we thought.”

Kosaku chews on his bottom lip. He has to admit that this doesn’t sound good. Especially not in conjunction with what Suna says he overhead in the hallway. “And you’re sure you heard them break up?” he asks Suna. “What exactly did they say?”

Suna tucks his phone into his pocket, muttering something about Reddit being useless. His question has been up for 3 minutes and why has nobody responded yet? With a deep, pained breath, Suna tells his tale. Hearing it so plainly leaves a sinking feeling in Kosaku’s stomach.

“Well fuck,” Kosaku says.

Then, for the second time in ten minutes, all hell breaks loose.

Ginjima Hitoshi, Inarizaki Second Year, 6:03 PM

This is hell. Ginjima is in hell. What did he do to deserve this? Since recounting the story, Suna has returned to tapping away furiously on his phone. Atsumu is sobbing even harder, a feat Ginjima hadn’t thought possible, rocking back and forth in front of his couch. Kosaku, the only one of them who was remotely calm during the first round of hysteria is pacing across the room, leaving Ginjima even uneasier than he was a few moments ago. And although the queasiness in his stomach hasn’t subsided, he doesn’t have the time to even think about how sick he feels nor all the reasons for it since he’s too busy holding Osamu back from committing a double homicide.

“Aran — no — Kita. Kita — no — Aran,” Osamu mutters over and over again. Occasionally it’s broken up with some version of: “let me go, Ginjima. I’m gonna kick Aran — no Kita’s ass. Someone has to pay for breaking their hearts!”

“You’re not going to kick anyone’s ass,” Ginjima hisses through clenched teeth. “Especially not when you can’t even decide who’s ass you’re kicking.”

“Okay,” Osamu falls slack in his arms. Both of them very nearly go crashing to the ground. “Okay,” Osamu says again. “I’m calm. Osamu’s voice is barely more than a whisper, all the fight drained out of him. He almost reminds Ginjima of a little kid after a tantrum, all tuckered out from the wailing and flailing.

“Are you done going apeshit? I’m not even gonna think about letting you go until I know you’re not going to go apeshit.”

Osamu nods weakly. “I’m done. I swear.”

Gin releases his grip. He half expects Osamu to storm off anyway in search of whoever his current target is, but instead, he steadies himself, takes a deep breath then—

“I’m gonna kill Kita! No! Aran! No! Kita!”

Ginjima catches hold of Osamu before he even begins to move, an astonishing feat of agility and quick reflexes that surprises Ginjima as much as everyone else in the room. “Well, that was short-lived.”

“I’m gonna Kita’s ass for breaking Aran’s heart! No — Aran’s ass for breaking Kita’s heart!”

“You’re sending mixed signals here, buddy.”

“I don’t know.” Osamu goes limp in Ginjima’s arms but Ginjima holds tight even though it means they both go crashing to the ground for the second time in as many minutes. “I’ll figure it out when I get there,” Osamu says still wriggling to get free.

“Can you go back to Windows Shut Down Noise Osamu? I miss him.”

“This isn’t a time for jokes!” Atsumu moans. “Ginjima, what are we gonna do? This can’t be happening. This can’t be real.”

“It is kind of unbelievable,” Gin mutters more to himself than anyone else. “And weird that they’d break up here, at my house in the middle of a party of all places.”

Akagi shakes his head. “Life is weird, my friend, life is weird.”

“There is only one thing we can do,” Atsumu says, getting to his feet at last. “We have to stop them from breaking up.”

“What if they already broke up?” Osamu asks. “What if it’s too late?”

Atsumu shakes his head. “No, it’s never too late for good, old-fashioned scheming. “Don’t talk like that, Samu. Ya don’t know that.”

“We have to prepare for all eventualities.”

Akagi whirls around on Osamu. “How do you go from head empty to we have to prepare for all eventualities like it’s nothing?”

“See,” Suna says, looking up from his phone at last, “I told you you can be head empty and still smart.”

“Anyway,” Atsumu says. “I’m not ready for those eventualities. So we’re not even gonna think about it! We’ve got plans to draw up!”

“So what are we gonna do?” Kosaku asks.

“We gotta convince them to stay together!”

Ginjima chokes. “You can’t just force two people to stay together!”

“Who said anything about forcing? Aran and Kita are two sensible individuals with good heads on their shoulders. Present a valid argument and they’d hear us out at least.”

“Yeah!” Suna adds. “And there are a bunch of reasons for them to stay together.”

“I don’t think that’s how relationships work.”

“Shush,” Akagi says. “We’ll never get anywhere with that kind of attitude. Quick!” he shrieks. “Someone grab a sheet of paper and a pen! We have some brainstorming to do!”

As Ginjima fetches the pen and paper, there is only one thought at the forefront of his mind: There is no way that this can end well.

With pen and paper in hand, Akagi sits at the head of the Ginjimas' dinner table. He slaps his hands down on either side of the paper before looking up to face them all. “Alright. Everyone switch your brain cells on — not you Osamu. They’ve already been through so much today. But as for everyone else, we’re going to need everything you’ve got if we have even a chance of getting Aran and Kita back together.”

“Are you sure that this is a good idea?" asks Ginjima. "Like Atsumu said, they’re reasonable people. Doesn't that mean that they should be able to handle their own problems? They don’t need us to intervene. Surely, they know their relationship better than we do.”

“Pfft. If you think Aran and Kita are any less of a mess on the inside than any of you then you’re wrong. Are they smart? I guess. They both have better grades than me. But are they stupid? Absolutely.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It doesn't have to. All that matters is that it’s our duty as their friends to help them in any way that we can.”

Ginjima has never been in a relationship so he can’t speak from experience but he can’t imagine a situation in which he would want five other people — friends or otherwise — pushing their way in to share their opinion on what he and his partner should or shouldn't do. But Akagi hangs out with Aran and Kita way more often than he does and he’s a year old than them. Maybe he knows something that they don’t.

Akagi taps the pen against his chin. “Forget everything we've ever accomplished as a team. This is the most important mission we’ve ever been tasked with. What do we got? Hit me with your best we’re getting the captains back together if it’s the last thing we do STAT ideas.”

Atsumu sniffles and blows his nose before speaking, finally making use of the mountain f tissues. “We could remind them how much they like each other, what they like about each other. That sorta thing.”

Akagi scribbles it down. “That’s a great idea, Atsumu. Thank you for your contribution.”

“Suna — what do you got for us?”

“Reddit says to send them both chocolate or flowers or something and stick in a card that says it from the other person.”

“Doesn’t that count as a forgery?”

“Not if it’s for a good cause!” Akagi says as he adds it to the list. “What’s a little forgery between friends anyway?”

Ginjima doesn't need to know the law to know that Akagi is full of shit.

“Or," Osamu says, "we can write 'em love poems. Send Kita love poems from Aran and vice versa. Maybe it’ll rekindle something. Get em to fall back in love with each other."

“Osamu, you’re a genius! If I could kiss the brain gremlins living rent-free up there, I would give em all a big smooch, and then I’d give you a smooch too while I was at it.”

“I thought the only person here smooching Osamu was Suna?" Kosaku says with a devious grin.

Atsumu snickers. "Yeah, didn't you hear? It was in Ginjima's nasty bathroom."

Suna Rintarou, Inarizaki Second Year, 6:37 PM

Suna can put up with a lot on even the worst of days. But what he cannot put up with is another joke about Suna kissing Osamu. Especially now that he realizes that kissing Osamu doesn't sound too bad. He can't deal with this now. They have bigger fish to fry. “For the last time! If I wanted to make out with Osamu — which I don’t by the way — I wouldn’t take him to Ginjima’s nasty bathroom!”

“Wait,” Osamu says, turning to face him. “You don’t want to make out?”

“No?” Yes.

“So, what? Am I not good enough to make out within Ginjima’s bathroom?”

“Huh?”

“What do you mean, huh!? Suna Rintarou, do ya think yer too good for my brother? I’ve seen your YouTube recommendations. You’re weird AF and you would be LUCKY to make out with a dude like Osamu in Ginjima’s bathroom.”

“Nobody should ever make out with anyone in my bathroom. Take that somewhere else.”

“That’s beside the point,” Atsumu says. “The point we’re addressing is that one mister Suna Rintarou thinks he’s too good for Osamu.”

“I never said — “

“Damn, Suna,” Ginjima says, “that’s cruel bro.”

“First you kissed him stupid and now ya break the dude’s heart 17 minutes later?” asks Akagi. "I never knew ya had it in ya."

“What are you talking about? There is nothing to break here!”

“Haven’t you ever heard of mercy,” Kosaku says. “I thought you were chill bro.”

“WE HAVE NEVER KISSED.”

“Denying it like Ginjima’s soul didn’t just leave this realm after walkin’ in on ya sucking face in his bathroom with the lights off and everything. What do ya take us for? A bunch of fools? You can’t lie to us. Shake my head, Suna Rintarou,” says Akagi.

“Get it through your tiny brains! I have never kissed Osamu and I will never kiss Osamu!”

“...you wouldn’t?”

“Uhh. Um. I mean. Uh. I. If we um,” Suna’s mind is racing as fast as his heart at this point but he can’t form a coherent thought to save his life.

“Am I interrupting something?” comes a voice from behind him. Thank god. They whirl around to find Oomimi staring at them, an amused expression on his face.

Suna blinks “What the fuck?”

“WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?” Atsumu shrieks. “We thought ya got lost out there! Or just went home instead of gettin’ the snacks!”

“Somewhere between first, you kissed him stupid and Ginjima’s soul leaving his body."

"That's irrelevant," Akagi says. "We got a real bad situation, Oomimi. It’s a good thing you’re here.”

Oomimi arches a brow and folds his arms over his chest.

“Oomimi!” Akagi crossed the room in a few quick strides and throws an arm around his neck. “Thank god it’s just you and not Aran or Kita. I don’t think Ginjima would be able to stop him from committing murder again.”

“Did you say murd—”

“Nope!” Akagi is all smiles — bright and cheerful. It’s honestly kind of impressive given the whirlwind of an hour they’ve had. Planned intervention or not, the news that two of their friends might be breaking up is no happy occasion but you’d never guess it from Akagi’s expression.

“No murder here. It’s definitely not in Osamu’s eyes if that’s what you were thinking. Osamu has never even contemplated murder in his life. He certainly didn’t threaten to murder anyone this evening if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Wait, who is Osamu murdering? Suna? What the fuck happened while I was gone?”

“Osamu is not murdering me,” Suna says at the same time that Atsumu shouts, “so much Oomimi, thank god you’re back!”

“So Osamu is kissing Suna then? I assume that’s why Ginjima’s soul left his body too?”

“No! If anyone even thinks about Osamu and I kissing again, I am leaving and going home.”

“Aren’t two broken hearts enough for one night?” Atsumu says, tearing up again. “Must ya break Osamu’s heart too?”

Suna spares a glance at Osamu. Despite his performance a few minutes ago, he looks relatively unbothered by the whole thing now. This is further proof of just how ridiculous this situation is. They have bigger issues to deal with than whether or not Suna has or hasn’t kissed Osamu and whether he will or won’t kiss him in the future. Now isn’t the time to deal with this. They need to focus.

“I think we’re losing sight of the real issue here,” Suna tries. “Someone has to tell Oomimi about Aran and Kita and I’m done being the bearer of bad news.”

“Not it!” Atsumu and Ginjima shout at the same time.

“Not it!” Kosaku says a half-second later.

“Well, since I’m a kind soul and Osamu has already been through so much today getting his heartbroken and all,” Akagi pauses and looks at Suna. Suna fights the urge to stick his tongue out at him. “So I’ll fill Oomimi in on what he missed since he’s finally returned from his quest to obtain snacks.”

“You might want to sit down for this,” Atsumu says solemnly. “It’s a big one.”

Oomimi doesn’t reply but he allows himself to be guided by Kosaku into the nearest chair.

Akagi drags a chair over so that he’s face to face with Oomimi. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sure you’re familiar with Aran and Kita.”

Oomimi nods. “Did they finally sneak out? Did I win the bet?”

"Bet?" Atsumu shrieks. "Were ya betting on whether or not Aran and Kita would break up? That's so fucked up!"

"Break... up?"

"Yeah, break up! Aran and Kita are breaking up and yer placing bets on it!"

"What do you mean they're breaking up? Who told you that?"

Five heads turn to Suna. He sighs and resigns himself to his fate. "I heard them talk about breaking up earlier. But it was an ACCIDENT! I wasn't eavesdropping I swear."

Oomimi looks between Suna and Akagi then back again. "What exactly did you hear?"

"Uhh, Kita said something like 'one of us has to leave first.' Then, 'there is no other version of this story.' And Aran replied like 'I just — I never expected leaving to be so difficult.' Then they talked about not making a scene and that's when I ran into Osamu and very much did not make out with him in Ginjima's bathroom."

Oomimi's brows pinch together. "What you do in Ginjima's bathroom with or without Osamu isn't any of my business. As for the rest of it—" Oomimi turns back to Akagi and fixes him with a look that had it been aimed at Suna, his blood surely would have turned to ice. "Care to explain why all the second years think Aran and Kita are breaking up when you and I know full well that isn't remotely true?"

Akagi grins sheepishly. "In my defense, it was very fun."

"Uh-huh. You've taken a bunch of perfectly good second years and given them anxiety is what you've done. Are you going to explain to them that Aran and Kita are just Like That or do I have to do it?"

"All you pal!"

Oomimi sighs. "Aran and Kita have been trying to sneak away since we got here." Oomimi pauses and looks off into the distance. What he finds there, Suna will never know. "I have never met two people more dramatic over cuddling. One of them had to sneak out first so they could go cuddle." Oomimi shudders. "Why they can't just make up an excuse like one of them is sick or something, I will never know. Akagi and I were betting on whether they'd sneak out before I got back with the snacks or not. It looks like I won."

"In my defense, I didn't think getting snacks was going to take you over an hour."

"Doesn't matter, pay up."

Akagi gasps. "You rigged this! Shame on you! What would Kita say!"

"Kita would tell you to apologize to the second years for giving them all heart attacks."

"So," Ginjima says, "let me get this straight. Aran and Kita aren't breaking up?"

"Nope." Oomimi shakes his head. "They aren't even fighting. They're just dramatic as fuck. And Akagi is a gremlin."

Suna falls onto the couch, sandwiched between Osamu on one side and Kosaku on the other as he tries to take in what they just learned. Aran and Kita aren't breaking up. They never were breaking up. It was all a misunderstanding.

"Wow." Osamu cards a hand through his hair and sighs. "Who woulda thought that's how this story would end, huh?"

Suna nods. Aran and Kita's story ended well, but what about Suna and Osamu? Are they going to stay here and continue to get shit from their friends for something they didn't even do? With the assurance that Aran and Kita are okay, the weight of the world feels like it's been lifted off of his shoulders and he can breathe easy again. Well, easier. There is still one more matter to deal with. Once he's recovered enough he jumps off the couch and holds out a hand to Osamu.

"Come on, let's go."

"Huh?" Osamu says but he stands up and begins to follow Suna anyway. "Where are we goin'?"

"Anywhere but Ginjima's nasty bathroom."

"Oh." A pause. "Oh."

"That okay?" Suna hesitates as they reach the door.

Osamu nods. "Lead the way."

As the door slams shut behind them, Suna briefly catches what sounds like a lot of hooting and hollering that he pointedly ignores. Instead, he laces his fingers with Osamu's and they take off running. Where to, he doesn't know. But he does know what they're gonna do when they get there. But that's between Suna and Osamu only.