Chapter Text
061421 | Ilsan, South Korea
the final note.
Diary, this is my last entry. I have spent the last 28 years of my life in going through different types of hardships, downfalls, happiness, triumphs, and love. There are different types of love after all, and honestly, I haven't even covered atleast one-fourth of it. It always changes. It is dynamic yet at the same time, it's meaning is still the same.
Love is love. That's it.
No matter how it looks different, it is what it is. Just imagine your favorite food, let's say, a pie. To you this pie is just a snack, your least favorite and you'd rather get something better—like a popsicle, or an icecream!—but then, to some, pie is their greatest childhood reminder, or it can be someone's go-to meal everytime they feel sad.
You see, pie is the same but it has a different meaning and feeling for each and everyone of us. Does that change the taste? No. The only difference is how we perceive it. That's similar to love. I was just lucky to have a decent share of mine, despite having some aches afterward. It's a lame analogy, but that's how I see it. Do you think it makes sense?
Diary, with you, I have emptied my very thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, and all my regrets. It's quite silly for me to thank an inanimate object but still I am grateful to have something to confide into. I feel like something in me has been lifted, perhaps, a thorn has cast itself from my side and my wounds—they have opened—have slowly healed over the last few days of me writing on you.
I can say that I've changed. Of course, that's unsurprising. We are all bound to develop and mold ourselves into (hopefully) better persons as the time pass. It's surreal how things happened years ago and yet it feels like yesterday. Old wounds and memories being unburied like a treasure chest scooped out of the sand after years of being hidden. I, too, have found that X in the map of my heart and soul. Only thing that's different is the treasure I had kept is something I have to let go.
Sure, I've been dumb. I've been a coward. An utter, naíve fool when it came to love. I cringe whenever I think of my decisions, specially, on how I acted and what I could have done in that situation. Ah… To think I've met six guys who were truly magnificent, I was so lucky. So lucky that I have been able to experience all of it. I mean, you know, how could someone like me manage to get their attention even? Right,,,, I shouldn't put myself down any longer, I'm sorry, diary. I just want to emphasize that these six boys just showed me the difference angles, different perspectives of a shining, warm, and glowing thing called Love.
I have so many things to apologize for. First, to them for being a coward, for being too dense to realize anything, for loving too little, and for loving too much. I realized I listed a lot on the first, but anyway. Second, I apologize to myself for keeping this until now. And finally, I apologize to my younger self, for being too blind to see the world, life, and all that surrounds it in a better light.
Have you ever felt so contented that you take a deep breath and it doesn't pain your chest? Yeah, that's what I feel, diary. I'm thankful to Taehyung, Jimin, Jungkook, Yoongi, Hoseok, and Seokjin. I haven't said that before. Maybe, a part of me keeps on denying that they have been once a part of my life, and they will always be a beautiful reminder of how mine became colorful that the branches and flowers in the tree of my life have grown fuller, much more beautiful, and had leaves spread out towards the sky.
I can say it now. I am the man who owned up to his mistakes, accepts them, and fully recognizes himself as who he is. I'm no longer the coward I was before. If love comes crashing down on my door, or bump on me by the hallway? I'm more than ready to accomodate it. There's a lot more that I have to know and, for sure, I still have a lot to uncover. Until then, diary.
I will be writing soon.
From,
Kim Namjoon.
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♡
Namjoon took a deep breath as he puts the pen down, finally closing the black, hardbound notebook that served as his diary. There's a smile on his face. A contented one. One that says, 'Finally'. At long last, he has attained peace for both his mind and heart. Those memories of the six boys he used to love or had learned to love is finally eased back as iridescent fractals of his life.
Dusk is setting up against the cobblestoned street by his window, and he watches the sun slowly set as the moon put out the orange and red hues of fire to welcome the night and its stars. The cold breeze hits his face and, well, that means he has to go out and buy dinner again since he sucks at cooking—one time he did try to cook eggs, the pan got burnt and the egg stayed as it is, quite ironic right?
So, Namjoon, with his back leaning against the comfortable chair, closed his eyes and reminisced everything for the last time while muttering, "Everything Goes," like a spell. A spell that will make the pang in his heart disappear, the same pang that he felt when he deleted three years of screenshots–four thousand and three hundred ninety-one, to be exact—on his phone, the same pang that he felt upon losing something—someone—that can never and will never return.
Suddenly, his phone lights up. The light tune of a piano version of his favorite song, Spring Day, was heard. Sighing as the tranquility was destroyed, he picked up his phone and checked what news is in for the day.
[ PHONE SCREEN NOTIFICATIONS ]
Chat | Messenger
Jimin: Hey, do you have time? It's me, Park Jimin, from College.
Taehyung: HYUNGG!! LET'S HANG OUT THIS SUNDAY, PLEASE????? :3
Email
sender: Jeon Jungkook
title: remember me?
Hyung, let's catch up! I'm coming home from from USA this Sunday! Please? I promise I won't make things awkward. Send me a message if you're good with it!
Twitter | DM
kim seokjin sent you a message.
"YAH, YOU. You break up with me and disappear from my life like it's nothing, huh! Well–well, I'm done with being a singer and I want to live life like a normal human being. I need answers, Kim Namjoon. I'm the fucking hottest and most eligible man in this universe so YOU will invite ME to go out this Sunday to talk. End of conversation. It took me three years to say this so you better take the deal and seal it."
KakaoTalk
minyoongles: Hi
minyoongles: that was awkward um
minyoongles: do you have time on sunday?
minyoongles: it's min yoongi from hybe, Japan Franchise.
minyoongles: thanks.
[ Jung Hoseok is Calling ]
"Well, fuck."
Fin.