Chapter Text
Chapter 10: Cadence
Sam didn’t want to think about planning a funeral. Let alone thinking Bucky was dead. He stood in the shower, hot water ran down his back. It was like being dusted all over again. He thought of Bucky, always.
He hoped to see Bucky outside the door.
Stephen said he’s trying his best. Each night, with Rhodey, they’d research and take notes on how to bring him back. Sam stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist.
The house felt empty without Bucky. Sam tried to find distractions or try to sweep his feelings under the rug. Sarah told him to take breaks. He didn’t listen. He always kept himself busy, whether it was helping out with Cass and AJ or on a mission.
Distractions. That’s all he needed, right? He washed his face and stared into his reflection. Nar’s voice wasn’t ringing anymore. “Sam,” Stephen knocked on his bedroom door. He groaned. He did not want to join the search for Bucky. That would make him feel worse.
He opened the door and hot steam poured out. Stephen unlocked the bedroom door and crossed his arms. “Sam,” he spoke up.
“Don’t want to hear it.”
“Sam, look–”
“You could have saved him,” he said in a dark tone, calm but you can feel the anger in each word. He gritted his teeth and slipped on boxers and pants. Stephen sighed.
“Sam, we want you to join our search.”
“He’s dead,” he declares out into the world. As much as he’s denying it, Bucky’s dead. His words get caught in his throat. “There’s nothing you can do about it, Stephen.”
He hears the sorcerer step forward. “Sam, you’re the only person who–”
“I’M NOT GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN!” he snapped, eyes red with anger and brimmed with tears. His fists clenched, shaking. He looked to the ground. He takes a shaky breath, “Stephen - I don’t want to hear Nar’s voice. I don’t want a timer or…”
“I understand.” he said simply, he left the room. Sam grabbed a shirt and stared out the window. He took a deep breath and looked at his phone. His empty room. It was strange, coming home. He doesn’t like passing Bucky’s room. He opened the door sometimes to see if James was in there.
No trace. No sign. Nothing. He wiped the tears falling from his face. He was hurting. He hated that. He dusts himself off before walking downstairs to greet Sarah. His sister perks up in her seat and smiles.
“You okay, Sam?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. She gets up from her seat and takes his hand.
“Are you sure?” He only nodded. Sarah knew when her brother was lying. Sam bottled up his feelings. A lot more than he should. It was trying to prevent a volcano eruption. Cass and AJ ran up to their amazing Uncle. The hug was warm, inviting. Hugs felt like a summer breeze, warm and soft.
He smiled. “You’ve gotten taller,” he grinned.
“No,” Cass smiled “but I’m glad we’re spending time together!” His family wasn’t stupid. They know about the nightmares and the trauma. The anxiety, the incoherent mumbling and unhealthy coping methods.
Sam needed help. But Sam? He wanted Bucky. He longed to hold him in his arms again. He longed to touch him and gather the happiness he longed for. Once they reached the car, the mood was lifted.
He missed him. Did he want to move on - for that possibility that Bucky could come back? If he died in that universe - would they be able to bring him back here? At home? They drove all the way to the beach, where the sun shone and his sorrows could be distracted away.
The sand was coarse but relaxing against his skin. He watched as his nephews rolled and played in the sand. The cool water was calming. Bucky would have loved his view, the feeling of the ocean wind. His eyes scanned over the view and he smiled to himself.
If only Bucky were here to enjoy this with him. He missed his hugs, his kiss, taste and laughter. He bit his lip nervously. He grabbed a fistful of sand in his palm and looked up to his laughing, cheerful nephews. He began walking towards the water and let his feet and ankles get splashed by the cold waves. AJ and Cass came in and tackled him from behind. He scooped them up in his arms and laughed.
He missed James so much.
He would have loved playing with Cass and AJ.
He swallowed an oncoming sob as he tried to hold it together. Bucky would have wanted him to move on. He stood in the water for a while and wondered what Bucky was doing. Was he looking down upon them from the heavens? Was he laughing his ass off about how he died? “I miss you, James.” he whispered as he watched Cass and AJ playfully fight in the water. “‘Miss you so much…”
–––
Limbo wasn’t as bad as Bucky thought it would be. He was sitting on a bench at a train station. It reminded him of the 40s, but it was always a modern train whizzing past that had no driver. Just blinking lights. He sat there for a while before he started walking.
He was dead. It was a strange thing to think about, too. He was dead and he couldn't get back to Sam. He can’t feel him, see him or kiss him. Everytime he walked he’d always end up in the same place.
It was always the damn bench. Who knows how time works here? He kicked the ground and clawed at the walls.
It was no use.
“I’m sorry Sam,” he spoke to himself. He sat on the wooden bench, defeated as he watched the trains go by. One by one. “I don’t know what to do without you.”
“How pathetic.” a voice calls.
Bucky stilled, he froze and looked around. Goosebumps covered his body. Nar. Nar was talking to him.
“Oh, don’t act so surprised, Barnes. We’re both in limbo now!”
He bit his lip and grinded his teeth in anger. “You put me here!” he screamed, fighting back tears. He felt like there was a raging storm inside of him. He just wanted to be free.
“I want to go home!”
He heard a dark, rumbling laughter bounce off the walls of the train station. He buried his face in his hands. For how long will he be here? How long will he have to suffer, alone? He groaned and stood up and balled up his fist and banged at the wall.
Want to make a deal?
Bucky’s senses perked up and he smashed the brick wall with his metal arm. He chewed on his lip. Nar had none of his interest. He can’t make a deal with a multi-dimensional being. He can’t just go ahead and make a deal with someone that puts Sam in so much pain. That put them through so many stupid tasks.
“For what?” he was talking to nothing, practically nothing. He was talking to the stubborn air. He felt like he was suffocating. He didn’t need this. He just needed Sam.
To go home, Nar offered. He could hear the smile on their faces.
“I’m not trusting you!” he shouted at the walls.
A price for a price…What do you say, Barnes? Want to see how your Sam is going?
“Don’t,” he choked out, he gripped the walls and stared out into the shadows. The lights on the ceiling flicker every now and then. This was horrible. Bullshit. “Don’t try to reel me into one of your stupid tricks!” he looked around, so angry he could try to laugh it all out “is this another one of your tricks?! Putting me in limbo?!”
Nar only laughed. It was taunting, maddening. Bucky wanted to know if Sam was safe, if he was okay.
Then, Bucky felt something on his shoulder. A hand. It was translucent and difficult to feel, but he knew it was Nar. Trying to reach out to him. For what?
Would you like to see him?
It was an obvious answer. Of course Bucky wanted to see Sam. “What’s the price?” he said hoarsely. He wanted to say no. He needed to say no. But his words were playing out by itself.
Nar clicked their tongue thoughtfully. They removed their hands. Bucky leaned against the wall and sighed.
A pause.
Your sister. Nar hissed. Bucky felt sick. His sister? Was Becca even still alive at this point?
“What...what do you want with her?” he choked out.
–––
It’s been a month and Sam was standing at Bucky’s grave. He felt sick that they didn't have a body to bury him. His hands were shaking when holding the palm cards. He couldn’t feel like he could say anything. He felt sick all over again.
His hands were sweating and his heart was racing. He took a deep breath. “Thank you...everyone for coming. Today...is a tough day. James Bucky Barnes was a soldier, a victim of Hydra but most importantly - he was the love of my life.” he swallowed carefully as he looked into the crowd.
Familiar faces such as Pepper and Rodey have joined to comfort Barnes. “It’s sickening to think that Bucky doesn't have a body to be buried and it's sickening to think that I’m going to miss him…” he chewed on his lip to prevent himself from crying “so much. From being in the Howling Commanders, to now - Bucky was incredibly tense. He was uptight but so protective. I remember...when I’d have nightmares about Riley - Bucky would come into my room and ask if I was okay.”
He stared into the sea of people and sucked in a breath.
“Many people may remember him as a killing machine. I remember him as being gentle and kind. When we went into that shitshow of a multiverse - Barnes and I were always married. In every universe. But not this one. We’d never be able to have a first date or hold hands in public like we secretly wanted to for years...Instead we’ll just have memories.”
He stared at the ground for a moment and looked up into the crowd. He blinked. He saw a familiar brunette with blue eyes behind the trees. He gripped his cards and rubbed his eyes. I’m seeing things. It’s not him.
“I will always make sure that Bucky is honoured to be a good man. Because he is. I will miss him, I will love him. But rest assured that I will help others and move on. That’s what James would want any of us to do.”
–––
James Bucky Barnes was in Louisiana. In a backyard. With green grass and huge trees. He couldn’t touch anything though. He could see Sam, on a podium making a speech. God, he looked so beautiful from here.
Enjoying the view? Nar asked coyly.
Bucky reached out. He couldn’t feel any of the bark on the tree. He stepped forward, trying to keep in the shadows. He saw Sam and others placing flowers on his grave.
Good God, he had a grave. He saw that his letters were engraved in gold. He saw Shuri and T’Challa on one side.
Must be tough...Nar clicked again with a smile on their face. It must be tough, after losing Iron Man, Captain America...Now The Winter Soldier. Bucky tensed at their words.
He began walking through the mass crowds of people. He could walk through them and they wouldn’t notice. Two younger boys, who must be Sam’s nephews are standing next to Sam, hugging him. Bucky walked up, he heard the gravel, grass and soil against his shoes as he approached his own grave.
JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES
1917-2024
It was strange. He’s supposedly died before...after falling off the train but now - now he’s actually dead. Right? Was there any way Stephen could bring him back? He reached out and touched the stone. It was cold.
He turned to look at Sam, who was staring blankly at the grave with no body. “I’m sorry Sam,” he spoke “I know you can’t hear me but I’m sorry.”
He puts his hands back in his pockets. He felt cold, all the time since limbo. How long has he been dead for in 616?
He can’t hear you, I can fix that. Nar chuckled smugly.
Bucky gripped his fist. He swallowed nervously and looked up to the sky. “I just...want to be here and tell Sam it’s okay...but -” he turned to Nar, who was just a blob - a grey and black swirling blob “I can’t let you hurt my sister.”
Nar huffed “I need a body to possess, for multi-dimensional purposes. Rule the universe kind of thing!”
Nar was no longer in his head, now that they were two entities surrounded by a mourning group of people. He sighed and sunk his knees to the ground. He at least had to mourn with them.
Out of all the people in limbo with him...of course it's Narrator.
“Barnes?”
He perked up and blinked away the oncoming tears. He turned and saw Stephen, folding his arms and looking down at him.
“You can see me?” he choked. He blinked and turned to Nar, who was silent.
“Yes, but I can’t see Nar.” he whispered and kneeled down. He looked around and said, “I can’t just stand here and talk to you. I’d look crazy.”
“Can I…” he turned to Sam who was talking to Rhodey “talk to him? Please?”
Stephen shook his head sadly. “I’ll try to get you out...but it’s gonna take a while.”
“How long is a while?” Bucky asked.
“As long as we need.” he replied and walked away.
–––
Bucky was back in limbo, Nar had granted him a little treat. It was like a movie or torture. He was watching Sam, in real time. He didn’t feel sleepy or hungry or thirsty in this place. Just empty. Just cold. So, so cold.
Sam was in the kitchen, pacing back and forth as he stared at the wall. He reached out and looked at the calendar on the wall. He sighed and slumped against the wall.
“You alright?” Sarah asked from the living room. She stood up and walked over to Sam “wanna talk about it?”
“I think...I - I thought I saw him in the crowd.”
His sister blinked.
“I know!” he groaned “it’s stupid because he’s fucking dead and how could he possiblly be in the crowd! Do ghosts even exist…”
“Sam,” she wrapped him in a hug “you are grieving. Let yourself grieve. Cry if you need to. Scream if you need to. I’m here for you.”
Sam sobbed and broke down in her arms.
Bucky’s heart broke. If only he could be there for him, hold him and cherish his kiss and hug. He wondered if Sam’s laugh was still the same, if his smile would still make his stomach flutter.
He missed Sam.
He hugged his knees and saw on the screen how Sam cried. He reached out and touched it. “If only I can come home to you, Sammy…”
You can. Nar reminded him, Just give me your sister and it’ll be over with.
He hissed at the air defensively. “I’m not giving you my sister you sick fuck!”
Nar sighed, are you really going to sit here and watch Sam mourn as you yearn in limbo? Pathetic.
Bucky played with the edge of his sleeve nervously. “Can I trade you with something else?”
Nar didn’t respond. It was just silence. He watched as the trains went by, one by one. Day by day, hour by hour - Bucky thought about the deal. He could go back to 616 but he didn’t want his sister to get hurt. He traced the brick walls with his fingers. He wanted to feel Sam again. He wanted to feel his touch, his lips and he wanted to see him smile.
How long was he going to be stuck in for?
10 DAYS LATER
“Sam, we need to talk…” Stephen informed him “it’s about Bucky.”
Sam swallowed and sighed. It was 10.00pm. He was tired. The nightmares kept eating his mind and heart like a thirsty beast out for revenge. “What about him?”
Stephen paused “first of all - sorry for - knocking at an inconvenient time but…I think we can bring him back. I saw him at the funeral as a ghost...entity. Something.”
Sam blinked at his words, he grabbed a warm mug of water and drank it. He started pacing around the kitchen. “Do you think so?” Sam drummed his hands over the kitchen counter nervously.
“I think so...for some reason I was able to sense him. He was like a fuzzy outline but he was there at the funeral…” he explained carefully.
Sam stuck his hands in his pockets “what do we need to do?”
“Find the limbo,” Stephen’s cape swayed and the moonlight cast shadows over them “and - contact him. Pretty sure Nar is a part of this,” he shuffled his feet and sighed “Sam, I can go now. I think I came at a bad ti–”
“No,” Sam interrupted, “I’ll do whatever it takes to get Bucky home to me.” he stepped forward “how do we find this...limbo?”
“I would have to find Bucky’s entity and try to reach out to him. I’ll look through the books I have.”
“Alright,” Sam said quietly - he bit his lip. Dammit, he felt like crying again. “What if it doesn’t work?”
“Then...I’ll try again until it does,” he gave a small comforting smile. He started walking out the door and Sam shuffled his feet and gripped the kitchen counter. He closed his eyes and thought of Bucky.
He imagined him being here, now. Holding him. Laughing with him. He swallowed nervously and blinked. He stared up to the ceiling, “are you coming home, Buck? Are you even listening?”
Bucky stared at the screen. He watched as Sam crumbled and tried his best to stand his ground. He chewed his lip and covered his mouth to prevent the sounds of his violent sobbing echoing the walls of the train station. He took a deep breath. His vision was blurred from the tears.
“I hear you, Sammy,” he choked “I hear you…”
He watched as the screen flickers black. He’s seen enough. Nar only gave him this screen so he can suffer more. He screamed. His lungs hurt and his heart ached. It ached so bad he felt like he was suffocating in here.
“ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?!” he cried out to the world.
There was no response.
It was just the sound of Sam - and Bucky, crying. Crying for each other. Crying for their loss and their hopes. He held himself closely, imaging it was Sam. He had to stay strong.
Days had passed and the train kept on going.
But today it stopped. There was no driver but there was someone in it. A figure emerged from the pinging doors.
Stephen Strange stuck out his hand with a smile. “Wow,” he said, “your limbo sucks.”
Bucky smiled and gladly hopped on the train.
It isn’t over...It isn’t over!