Chapter Text
letter #69
i can safely say that i know i will never love anyone as much as you. you woke me up this morning with a soft kiss to my forehead and the most loving look i have ever seen in someone’s eyes. the word happy will simply never be enough to explain how i am feeling right now.
you’re mine.
i’ve written 68 of these letters as of this moment and it is in this one that i can finally write exactly as i wanted to. so yes i, lee hyunjae, am completely and irrevocably in love with you, my boyfriend, lee juyeon.
do you know how liberating it is saying that? after years of being stupidly but silently in love with you, i can now announce my feelings to everyone. i know that many people have been following my letters and i just want to say thank you because if i hadn’t done this, then i might not have juyeon at my side right now with his arms wrapped around my middle grinning as i write this letter and formulating a reply letter in his head.
to my friends, thank you, without two of you realising the message that i left and then thinking of a plan of your own, i would not be calling juyeon my boyfriend. and to juyeon, despite the hundreds of times i’ve told you i love you and the further thousands of times i will undoubtedly say the same thing again. i wish to tell you it here, in writing.
i love you.
signing off for the final time:
always a lovesick idiot,
yet no longer anonymous,
hyunjae.
hyunjae felt juyeon press a soft kiss to his neck as he finished typing out the letter and then clicked send. they had stayed behind after class, the room was now emptied of students and they were the only two that remained. it had been that morning that hyunjae had decided he had wanted to write a final letter as he felt as though he owed it to all those who followed his story to finally come clean.
of course, it was nerve wracking. he knew how many thousands of people read his letters, how many thousands were invested in every detail of his love life, how many thousands of people would now know all of his deepest feelings and emotions. yet, with the way that juyeon looked at him and held his hand tightly and protectively as they stood up and made their way to the door, hyunjae felt a little bit more confident.
their plan was to make it to the lunch room before anyone had much time to read the letter so almost immediately after hyunjae clicked the button, the two were up and out of their seats, racing through the corridors hand in hand until they reached their table.
every single one of their friends sat around it again and hyunjae smiled as he realised that it was quickly becoming normal for all 11 of them to spend time together. the table was silent for a moment as they sat down whilst all of them stared down at their phones comprehending the letter. however, it took only a few seconds before eric’s head was the first to pop up and he set his gaze straight upon hyunjae.
“it was you the whole time!” he exclaimed in half betrayal and half pure excitement, “and i didn’t even realise,” he whined shortly afterwards causing hyunjae to chuckle loudly.
jacob seemed amused by this too as he caught hyunjae’s gaze quickly after eric turned back to his phone to read through the letter again.
sunwoo’s head popped up then yet instead of looking towards hyunjae or even juyeon, his gaze was focussed quickly on chanhee.
“you knew didn’t you?” he asked the boy who only nodded sheepishly, “i guessed it the other day and you told me i was being ridiculous! do you know how stupid i felt?” the boy asked exasperatedly.
hyunjae really began laughing now, he wasn’t surprised really, in hindsight, that his friends had began to catch on to him. the letter materials were always oddly specific to his and juyeon’s situation even when he desperately tried to make them not be and besides, he knew deep inside that even if he hadn’t left the message at the beginning, it would only have been a matter of time before someone had approached him about it.
“well i couldn’t just tell you could i?” chanhee defended himself, “it wasn’t my secret to tell.”
“when we found out, we did exactly what hyunjae had told us before that he wanted us to do,” jacob explained then and hyunjae quickly turned around to toss him a confused gaze.
“what do you mean?”
“don’t you remember?” jacob questioned before continuing on, “a few weeks ago at lunch we were discussing it and you said that if anyone found out who they were they should tell the person about it first rather than just telling everyone.”
hyunjae’s memory caught up with him at that point and he nodded in understanding, “you’re right,” he thought on it for a further second, “thank you for that.”
jacob only smiled.
soon after, it became apparent that almost the entire student body had read hyunjae’s final letter. there were what seemed like hundreds of random people walking up to the table to offer their congratulations to both him and juyeon. it felt odd honestly and hyunjae couldn’t shake off the strange feeling that all of these people knew every detail about how he felt towards juyeon.
“what are you thinking about?” his boyfriend’s soft and quiet voice knocked him out of his thoughts after about another ten minutes passed and the steady flow of people had finally calmed down.
“don’t you think it’s weird that every single one of these people knows exactly how i feel about you in great detail?” hyunjae questioned yet juyeon only shrugged as if he hadn’t really thought too much about it.
“not really,” he paused, “yeah they might have read your words, they have heard you say things about how you feel and things like that and they might know what you feel on the surface but only you and i can fully understand it completely,” he began to explain, “you know i always remember this one part from one of your letters where you said that if you are a dying flower, i’m the water and sunlight that you need to grow and that’s specific to us you know? no one else thinks of me like that so really, no one else knows how you’re feeling, only you and me because i feel the exact same way”
hyunjae was certain that his heart had never beat faster in his entire life than it did then. the way juyeon was staring down at him, with such love and affection like he had been the one who had hung the stars in the night sky, made him feel like he was the only person that mattered on the whole earth.
“since when did you get so good with words?” he asked juyeon simply, trying to mask the strength of his feelings in a stupid comment.
the younger boy’s eyes turned up into a catlike smile, “since i fell in love with you.”
lunch ended quickly after and with it, the flow of people approaching the two boy’s to congratulate them ended too. the older was secretly glad of this, despite the fact that he knew that he had been the one who had first broadcasted his situation so publicly and that all of the people meant well, he now just wished for some privacy for him and juyeon to simply just be together.
that was why, when the school bell rang and finally, they were allowed to leave, the two boys decided to return to where they always went: the dessert shop.
simultaneously, the walk there felt like everything hyunjae had ever known and nothing he had ever experienced before in his life. the gentle weight of juyeon’s hand in his own and the faint blush painted across the younger’s cheeks the entire time made hyunjae’s heart beat impossibly fast. it really was everything he had ever wanted. part of him wondered whether it was all too good to be true yet with the way that juyeon’s eyes sparkled whenever they caught each other’s gazes, hyunjae couldn’t bring himself to doubt the younger’s feelings even for a second.
as they walked, juyeon made a few comments here and there about how the dessert shop was definitely not going to be their first date (no matter how much they both loved it) and about how he had first realised that he had fallen in love with hyunjae too.
“this might sound ridiculous,” the boy had begun as they turned the corner into the penultimate road of their walk, “but it was the first time i danced with changmin, do you remember?” hyunjae nodded, “i was so nervous because he was just so good and i asked you to come along, you took me out to get a drink beforehand and then gave me every single compliment you could possibly think of, i’ve never felt a warmth like it.”
hyunjae grinned beautifully at his words. he remembered that day vividly too because juyeon had clung to him for almost the entirety of it. of course, the boy had done extremely well as he danced and changmin had said afterwards that he was just as nervous to dance with juyeon too. it had been the beginning of the most wonderful partnership.
when they finally arrived and headed to their usual table, juyeon jokingly walked to hyunjae’s side first and pulled his chair out for him. the older sat down and pretended to hit his head on the table, yet the pure adoration in the gaze he directed towards juyeon when he lifted his head gave his true feelings away.
“are we supposed to share a sundae?” juyeon giggled as he picked up the menu and hyunjae soon began to realise that neither of them knew what they were doing at all when it came to dating.
“how am i supposed to know? you know i’ve never been on a date, i’ve just spent all of my time waiting for you,” the older complained with a pout causing his boyfriend to laugh loudly.
it was easy for them to say things like that now and easy for them to admit to how stupid they had been. it was almost impossible to comprehend the fact that they hadn’t bothered to confess their love when they had been stupidly infatuated with each other the whole time.
“me too, i’ve never been on a date before,” juyeon responded finally.
“i thought you said this wasn’t one?” hyunjae teased and the younger only sighed loudly.
“it’s a pre date,” juyeon decided then.
“does that mean you’re paying?”
“i can break up with you, you know.”
“you wouldn’t dare.”
in the end, they did end up ordering a sharing sundae. hyunjae had complained at first but after seeing how much juyeon loved the idea because he had seen it in a movie once, the older warmed to it embarrassingly quickly.
when the dessert finally arrived, hyunjae was just content to let juyeon live out his rom-com dreams. he allowed the younger to put ice cream on the tip of his nose and then kiss it away, he let him spoon feed him a brownie and even wipe the excess syrup from his lips with his thumb and juyeon seemed to be loving every second of it. with every cliche action, his smile only grew wider and if there was one thing hyunjae loved even more than juyeon himself, it was juyeon when he was at his happiest.
“you look like you’re having the time of your life,” hyunjae told him then just as juyeon finally finished the last bite of his cookie and wiped his face down with a napkin.
“i am that’s why. i’m on a pre-date with my beautiful boyfriend, why wouldn’t i be?” he asked and hyunjae really did try hard to keep a huge grin from spreading over his face but in the end, he just couldn’t help it.
in a sense, it all nearly felt overwhelming. everything he had been dreaming of, everything he had been wanting, everything he had been longing for was finally happening to him and the boy could hardly believe that it was real. there was still a part of him that was just waiting to wake up from the best dream he had ever had and hyunjae didn’t want to wake up. never again did he want to live in a world where juyeon didn’t love him too or where juyeon wasn’t his. having the boy at his side as a boyfriend and not just a best friend was by far the most amazing feeling he had ever experienced.
“you’re cringy,” was the only response he could muster but the knowing look in juyeon’s eyes said it all. he knew how much hyunjae loved every word that was pouring from his lips.
they headed back to hyunjae’s house then as they spoke about how juyeon should stay the night. it wasn’t unusual for them to just randomly settle upon this idea but still it felt new and exciting to hyunjae to know that this time when he cuddled juyeon to sleep, he could leave a soft kiss on his lips and wake up to the same beautiful thing.
rather than doing anything extravagant, they had planned a small night in. hyunjae’s mom was staying in a hotel for work as she had been called over to another city and the two boys had decided to take advantage of the fact that they had the house to themselves.
“we should do what the couples in the movies do,” juyeon had spoken while they were walking home yet he had only recieved a confused look from hyunjae as a response, “you know,” he began to elaborate, “making a fort and watching a film or turning the radio on and dancing around together, whatever you want to do we can do it.”
it was hyunjae’s turn to offer his own cliche quote now, “i don’t mind what we do as long as you’re the one i’m doing it with.”
the boy saw juyeon’s heart melt before his very eyes.
“you really have a way with words when you want to,” was all that the younger could say before hyunjae hit him lightly with his free hand.
“we can never keep a cute moment going,” he whined as juyeon laughed loudly.
“and who’s fault is that usually?” his boyfriend asked.
“i know it’s me but i really tried then, can you co-operate next time?”
“we’ve been best friends for way too long to keep that up for more than a minute and you know it,” juyeon explained and hyunjae hated to admit that it was true.
it had come so easily to him in his letters however, saying any of those things to juyeon’s face felt like an impossible task. perhaps it was how well they had known each other or the fact that neither of them could usually keep straight face around the other for more than 30 seconds yet whatever it was, it made being romantic for an extended period of time very difficult.
juyeon was definitely better at it than hyunjae was and that was easy for the older to admit. the boy seemed like he had been practicing everything he said to hyunjae for at least two years and maybe he had but regardless, the effect those exact words had on hyunjae was still enormous.
even in the short time they had been together, hyunjae could recall at least five moments where he had physically had to either stop walking or sit down because juyeon had said or done something that had made emotions bloom so violently in his chest. there was probably a poem he could write about it or something of the like because hyunjae was simply astounded that emotions that strong could actually exist.
as the boy pushed the door open and they made their way into the lounge. juyeon quickly came up behind him and wrapped his arms around the older’s middle. hyunjae had quickly discovered that this was one of juyeon’s favourite things to do and there was something so beautifully domestic about it that hyunjae had soon come to love it too.
“what do you want to do then?” juyeon questioned as he pecked hyunjae’s cheek and led them over to the sofa where they flopped down together.
“i don’t know,” hyunjae answered honestly as he moved around a bit until his head was rested on juyeon’s chest and his arm wrapped around the younger’s middle.
juyeon began absent-mindedly playing with his hair then and hyunjae leant in to his touch. being around the other was simply so comforting and easy that hyunjae knew that he would never want to be anywhere else.
perhaps at juyeon’s side was where he had always belonged and felt most safe, when they were alone together, hyunjae knew that he could be unapologetically himself without a single consequence. juyeon was ready to accept everything he had to offer whether that was the best side of him or his many flaws, the younger didn’t seem to care, he loved every part of hyunjae the same.
“how about we dance?” juyeon suggested.
hyunjae lifted his head slightly to face his boyfriend and raise an eyebrow, “aren’t you a bit sick of dancing right now?”
“i’m a dancer,” juyeon responded incredulously, “do you really think i could ever get sick of it?”
“i get sick of singing sometimes,” hyunjae offered a response causing juyeon to only chuckle softly.
“i guess we’re just different then, it would be boring if we were the same.”
they fell into silence for nearly a minute then before hyunjae decided that he did in fact want to dance with his boyfriend. despite the thought of just getting up and dancing around his living room seeming kind of awkward, the boy knew that juyeon, being juyeon, he would probably make it the best experience they had ever shared.
with that thought in mind, hyunjae switched the tv on and played some slow, low music before standing up and holding his hand out to juyeon who was still sprawled across the sofa. upon seeing hyunjae’s waiting figure, he jumped up quickly and took the extended hand before placing his own on hyunjae’s waist.
it was then that they began moving, their hearts beating at the same pace and their feet moving in perfect time with ease. everything was easy with juyeon and hyunjae never doubted for a second that they would be able to quickly slip into dancing together despite having never done it before.
after a while, juyeon rested his head over hyunjae’s shoulder and moved his hand to wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s torso. hyunjae copied his actions and soon they were simply swaying along to a soft tune, wrapped up in each other’s warm embraces forgetting that the outside world had ever existed at all.
“you know,” hyunjae spoke up after the song ended and a new one begun, “if you’d have told me even two weeks ago that we would be doing this now i would’ve said you were joking.”
“me too,” juyeon admitted, “no matter how much i wished we would, i never thought we would end up like this but i’m so glad that we did.”
hyunjae didn’t even need to reply because juyeon already knew just how much he shared that same sentiment.
instead they just continued to dance, swaying to the low music, content just to be in each other’s presence as the clock ticked and the night passed by. they danced for perhaps another hour and talked about a few things like the letters and their friends and where they saw themselves in the future.
juyeon had took the cliche route, speaking of how he couldn’t care less where the future might take him as long as hyunjae was there by his side for every step of the way. the older’s response was more calculated, he spoke of wanting a dog together when they moved in with each other, how he wanted to see juyeon’s face when he woke up every morning, how he wanted them to come home to eat together every night. juyeon had wanted all of that too.
as they lay wrapped up in each other’s arms tucked into hyunjae’s bed that night, despite the fact that their feet were sore from dancing barefooted on the tiled floor, the two had never felt so comfortable.
juyeon was back to his usual habit of softly combing through hyunjae’s hair whilst the older played with the strings of juyeon’s hoodie that he still hadn’t bothered to take off. it was silent in the room yet no words particularly needed to be spoken, each other’s presence was enough.
simply in the fact that juyeon was there, he was showing hyunjae his love and the strength of it. he was showing hyunjae that he’d stick around through every bad moment, through every fight, through every second of suffering and hyunjae was offering the same unwavering, unabashed love.
juyeon’s name had come so synonymous with love in his head that hyunjae could hardly differentiate between the two things. everything about juyeon just screamed love at him, every little quirk the younger had was lovable, every action he did, every word he spoke, they were all things that made hyunjae fall just a little bit deeper.
“i love you,” hyunjae breathed the world’s three most powerful words into the silent air and juyeon smiled so brightly that hyunjae could see it even in the pitch black of his room.
“i love you too, always have, always will.”
it was true for both of them. hyunjae was as sure as he possibly could be that juyeon would forever be the only person he ever loved. no matter what their road ahead would bring, no matter the bumps, the crashes, the inclines, the hardships, he knew that juyeon would stay and he would always be able to come home to him.
no matter what the world threw at hyunjae, he knew that juyeon would always be there to protect him from it and guide him through it. he knew that the younger would always be right next to him, holding his hand, placing soft kisses on his lips and combing his fingers through his hair.
and honestly, juyeon was everything that hyunjae ever wanted and needed. juyeon was home.
my reply letters were never as good were they? yet, i guess that doesn’t mean that my love for you is any less powerful. maybe i’m just worse at articulating myself but i promise will try my utmost best here.
i suppose my love for you is like the most beautiful flower. in the beginning it grew slowly, covered up by the soil and i hardly realised that it was there. then it began poking up from the ground and despite it being small, it could still survive in the harshest of weather conditions. yet then, the roots finally began to solidify themselves and there became more and more things that were helping my love to grow.
after that, it was like a dam had opened. every emotion came flooding through at once and it was unstoppable, not that i would’ve wished to stop it anyway. i began to notice every single awe-inspiring thing about you. you are the most stunning person i know, whether that’s inside or outside it’s still true.
yet the only way my love for you differs from a flower is that usually, when winter comes, flowers will wilt and eventually cease to exist. however my love for you never will and i have never been more certain about anything in my life than i am about this.
my love for you is eternal. there is simply no end to it, it will only continue to grow exponentially and even after death it will never end. with everyday that passes i will only learn to love you more and more, you are my world, my stars, my sun, my heaven. everything in my life is simply just made up of you and i love every little thing that you are.
even now i know that i still haven’t paid justice to how strong my feelings for you truly are, yet i fear that words just don’t possess enough power for me ever to do that so instead, i’ll finish on this.
if there’s a war you need to fight, i’ll be your shield. if it begins to rain, i’ll be your shelter. if you get stranded or lost, i’ll be the light that guides you back home.
i’ll be here for you always with the promise of warmth and eternal love.
signing off for the final time (i guess):
also still a lovesick idiot
yet also no longer anonymous,
juyeon.