Chapter Text
The rain was dancing across the meadow when she was born, a day early than designated by the doctor, as if she was eager to breathe in the petrichor wafting from the open blinds on the hospital windows. Ko Munyeong, the baby girl her mother had wished for. Do hui Jae , her acclaimed novelist of a mother had hoped that bringing a child in this world will help her personify the love that she had for her husband, perhaps a kid will bridge the gap that had started to create between her and her husband in the past few years. Unfortunate for her, that didn't happen. Munyeong grew up to be a beautiful girl amidst all luxuries, but father's love. The only affection she got from her father was the fake mask that he used to put on in front of the society for the sake of personal reputation and business gains.
She was treasured by her eomma, who tried to nourish her with all her love and energy throughout her life. Atleast she tried. There were times when she couldn't really balance her promising career with her baby girl. Yet she managed whatever was possible. And well she was blessed because Munyeong grew up to be a bright child, easily became mature at a young age. Munyeong never bothered her mother, always being supportive of her work which meant a lot of alone time for her because her mother was busy writing or she was promoting her latest book at some place out of town. She knew her mother was the happiest when she wrote and understood that she wanted her eomma to be happy and not sad because of dad and his doings. She was a perceptive child, most children are. But she was alone, unlike other children.
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Munyeong aged 7 came home after winning the first prize in story telling competition, excited to share her achivement with her mom. She was gonna be so proud. But all she found was the empty house, her caretaker busy cleaning the kitchen. Her face fell when she realised that her mom had already left for a tour, an hour earlier than scheduled, leaving her behind. Her prize- a golden trophy was left sitting on the table as she rushed to her bed.
The first time she got her period she was 11. She felt the squirming sensation and was horrified when she saw the patch at the front of her favourite light blue skirt. She knew about this but wanted to cry out loud and speak to someone, perhaps share the pain that accompanied the blood. Her caretaker helped her get changed and brought her pads. She wasn't allowed to call her mother as she was at her one of her solitude trips busy. Her dad was as usual staying at a client location. Munyeong missed her parents, moreso her mom. She realized it early that not every wish was granted.
She grew up living in various hotel rooms wherever her mom travelled, the different yet same tapestries accompanying her loneliness. She grew up realising that her mom was very busy and that her dad didn't really care. Perhaps that's why she grew fond of fictional characters and storybooks. And the writing blood anyway ran in her veins.
But she never despised her mom, always understanding her, never questioning her. She did not like comparing. She was happy with whatever little time she used to spend with her, cherishing that wholly.
Probably that's why she was even more mad at her father when his infidelity came to light. It was around the same time her mother had started spending more time at home. But then his dad's doings made things ugly, disrupting the happy space that had started to form. That was when the seed of doubt started forming in Munyeong's mind. A sense of desolation that spoke she wasn't meant for company. That loneliness was her only companion.
As time passed by her mother got ill, not being able to cope up with her husband's lack of love and also the realisation that she had been after all a terrible mother to Munyeong.
Do Hui Jae probably lived with the guilt of bringing a child in this world with a motive and never been able to give her everything she wanted. Her biggest regret was being selfish while conceiving her daughter. Often parents think that the child they bring in this world has to solve a purpose or achieve their own unfulfilled dream and even the best of them fall into this selfish trap. One's own cowardice manifests as guilt when they realize late in life that their child took birth for his or her own purpose and not theirs.
And this probably was a guilt which added a lot to Do Hui Jae's condition which wasn't really the best.
" I have been an aweful mother Munyeong, I am sorry." She was whispering weakly as Munyeong sat close to her lying form in the hospital room which reeked of the impending gloom.
"Eomma" Munyeong couldn't really see her in this condition.
"I know my time to go has come, my babygirl. I just wanna give you one advice, actually suggestion, if you may accept." She looked at her daughter with anguish filled eyes.
"Please never be with a man you doesn't value you. Learn from my example. I tried really hard, did everything but failed. I am sorry, Munyeong. I realize now, how grave a mistake I committed by giving you birth because of my own selfishness. Please forgive me. I hope you get an understanding partner and that you live happily my girl." She had tears flowing down her eyes.
As if the Universe gave her punishment, Do Hui Jae passed away few hours later, leaving an already lonely Munyeong completely lone in this world .
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If she was to look back in her life and see when she was truly happy was when Gangtae came into her life. Attention she had always gotten, given her looks, her riches. But then there was a special spotlight she felt when she met him in B-school, the kind that had made her heart flutter and made her feel accepted.
Life is weird in the sense that there are years when nothing happens and then there are months where years happen. Munyeong could say the same about the time when she felt life was beautiful, it was the time when Gangtae came into her life.
Today, years later it all felt like a vivid dream that she held onto. A dream which blurred lines and turned nightmarish because it ended.
The worst part of it was that they were never anything to begin with to end something. It was just a multitude of moments filled with wonder and raw trust, that had happened by chance. Gangtae came in as a huge overwhelming wave of emotions and went away. A wave that she hadn't seen coming. Perhaps she could have avoided it if she wasn't standing with her feet in water. Or maybe not.
And it was misfortune that the moment their so called relationship could have peaked was the time it went for a toss. And the only thing that was left of it was unsaid words and broken promises, actually one promise.
I'll always be there for you Munyeong
Munyeong had always been lonely, but she felt abandoned after Gangtae had left her. And she felt utter hollowness the day her mother passed away. As if somehow she deserved this.
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Being in the advertising industry, Jeasu had become a pro at handling last minute changes, unrealistic demands, client oddities. However he had absolutely no clue as to how he was going to break it to his best friend the fact that Ko Munyeong was going to teach the upcoming workshop. The same workshop which Moon Gangtae was going to attend in most likeliness. Ko Munyeong the only girl probably that had managed to house his best friend's heart. The only girl who had made his extremely focussed friend step out of line. And the only girl who still probably lived in some part of his heart, hopefully a bigger part.
What seemed like a very promising decision at the point when he was drafting his email response to Mr. Lee now seemed like wishful thinking. Jeasu dearly hoped that it wouldn't turn catastrophic.
It was Sunday evening. The day before the workshop was scheduled to begin. It was an off day and Jaesu had been trying to break the news out to Gangtae since the time he had woken up in the morning.
He was initially tempted to hide it from him. But the rational side of his mind nudged him to speak to Gangtae beforehand. Better get it out of the way rather than wait for an impending bomb to explode. Finding Munyeong back in this way was anyway a huge shock for him, it would be manyfold for Gangtae. And considering he wanted something good out of this chance, Jaesu realised it was the best that Gangtae knows about this in advance.
He remembered the last time a mention of Munyeong came in their conversation. It was Jaesu himself who had mentioned her casually when Gangtae was speaking about something related to their B-school. And immediately Gangtae looked like he was transported to a different world, going utterly quiet. His expression was a mix of pain and pity for his ownself, something that Jaesu could recognise being with him over the years. It also was deeply melancholic, as if he knew had lost more than just time.
And Jaesu hated when Gangtae used to fall back into that spiral of self loathe and pity.
But he had also seen the light in his eyes during their college times whenever Gangtae spoke about Munyeong. The light which had shined too bright and sparkled like diamonds . And that pleased look his face adorned when Munyeong used to be with him which was pretty much everytime on the campus. That subtle pride which he never showed but could been seen on his face, because Munyeong chose to be with him and not others.
The clock showed 7.30 pm. Moon Gangtae had just finished a 2 hour fellowship session where he was a speaker on the latest trends of digital advertising. He was pretty satisfied with how the session went and was just reflecting on it when his phone rang.
"Gangtae-ah"
"Hey. What's up Jaesu?" He immediately took notice of Jaesu's tone which meant something was unusual.
"How are you?" This question confirmed his suspicion.
Jaesu? What's up with you. You have called me to ask how I am? I am totally fine and exactly the same since you last saw me on Friday night. What's. Up. With . You? He emphasized.
"Umm... Gangtae. I needed to tell you something."
"What?" Gangtae was amused at Jaesu's tone. His best friend could be very exaggerating at times. Surely this was something to do with Seung Jae. Did they fight?
There was a long silence at the other end.
"Jaesu, yah. What is up with you? Tell me what's wrong. "
"Umm. Promise me first that you are not gonna take this negatively. "
Gangtae was now getting confused at where this was going. Nevertheless he replied "Yea okay"
"And you are not going to be angry at me. "
"Yaah. Spill it now."
"Umm. So we have the workshop starting tomorrow."
"Yes. We do. What about it?"
"Umm. The firm conducting the workshop is very impressive. "
He went on and on about the firm speaking about their various publishing pursuits and how they are entering the mental health space as well as their highly acclaimed kid stories.
"I am sure of everything Jaesu. You oversaw their hiring, I have no doubt." Gangtae spoke as soon as Jaesu finished his appreciation.
Jaesu gulped.
"Umm the thing is. " He continued. " The thing is that..."
"What is wrong Jaesu-ah?' Gangtae was now extremely irritated, his irritation seeping into his voice.
"The thing is that the -faculty-for-the-workshop-is -Ko Munyeong. " Jeasu spoke the last line of the sentence in an extremely rushed way.
"WHAT? Who is the faculty?" Gangtae thought he had misheard.
"The faculty is Munyeong, Gangtae. Ko Munyeong. "
He spoke slowly this time empasizing every word.
Gangtae was so shocked he didn't realise he had stood up from his earlier seating position, something akin to an electric current started running through his body at her mention .
"I wanted to tell you this beforehand Gangtae, so that I don't get killed later. It's just a matter of chance that her firm was one of the applicants for our workshop and they proved to be the best amongst all the others. Also, I have done all the research over her background and her credibility as the faculty for our workshop."
"Why are playing such a mean joke on me Jaesu? Shut up with your dankness." This couldn't be happening, it was not possible.
"It is not a joke Gangtae ah, why will I play a joke on you?! I know it is kinda hard to believe, but it's surprisingly the truth. So good right! The Three Musketeers can finally have a mini reunion, hopefully." Jeasu's voice couldn't escape the nervousness.
"Gangtae? Are you okay?" The other side of the line was extremely quiet.
"You know that I am not okay" He grunted in a low voice.
"Gangtae-ah. I am your best friend. Trust me. She is the best option we have for this out of all the choices. And anyway I was just following our policy of taking the best possible decision for our employees when I finalized the contract with her firm."
'Hmmm." Gangtae's mind couldn't really come up with more coherency at the moment.
"Relax Gangtae. Don't overthink. I'll see you in office tomorrow then."
Jaesu disconnected the call before Gangtae could come up with any more precise response at all.
At the other end, Gangtae breathed in deep as he put the phone down on his table and sat back on his chair, head looking up against the headrest and almost collapsing. How could he relax?
So this is why Jaesu was speaking in round and rounds. His mind was trying to recollect and reprocess everything that happened over the phone call.
"The faculty is Munyeong, Gangtae. Ko Munyeong."
For him, the entire phone call could be summarized in this one line. While his heart was now beating with its many implications.
Somehow, by chance, the Venn diagram of his life circle and Ko Munyeong was about to touch again.
He was about to see her, living and breathing and speaking in front of him, tomorrow in his own office, in a workshop that he was going to attend.
And,
He absolutely couldn't not feel good about how his name had been taken in the same sentence with hers.
Was this for real?
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Monday morning
Ko Munyeong was dressed in a formal double breasted black coat dress that reached her mid thighs, silky hair falling over her back in waves tucked by few pins on the side. She was wearing Bottega Veneta Oxford Heels to match her outfit. Given her looks and attire, she could have easily passed as a runway model although she was on her way to Dandelion's office to start yet another of her workshop sessions.
Since childhood she was into books and she had started writing at the age of 4.The act of writing gave her immense satisfaction. Her books were in some ways her way of communicating with the world. Her reading sessions had transitioned to storytelling sessions because kids - her main audience liked the act of the story. And the messages in her books had somehow resonated a lot more with grown ups. They called out to the inner child present in everyone. And that is how she had gained her popularity.
Her books spoke about the sorrow and harshness of the world as well as the courage needed to grow in the world . They always encompassed a wide range of emotions ranging from empathy, acceptance to self love and personal growth.
What had started as storytelling sessions had evolved over time to conversation about thoughts and mental well-being. She couldn't deny that she liked it. Perhaps because of the reason that these sessions that were her window to the people out there. Where probably she was looking to the answers of her questions. Also where she didn't have to really know the other person to talk to. The casual intimacy of these conversation appealed to her. And she had diverse sets of people to talk to. Unlike her personal life where she had herself created that barrier between the world and herself, living alone in isolation bereft of any friends or relationships. Through her work , she was giving to the world what she didn't have herself.
As she had moved forward in life, she had consciously avoided relationships of any sort, not wanting to break the walls she had built around herself. Only her manager, Mr. Lee was the closest to being a friend of her. There was Nam Juri, her childhood friend with whom she had shared school briefly for 2 years. And who had suddenly popped up in her life a year back because she happened to come back to Seoul from her hometown. But Munyeong kept her distance from them too. She had started looking at the world very differently after her eomma passed away, taking up the path of consciously detaching herself from life. Not that she had the best kind of mother daughter relationship, but her mother's passing away meant that she wasn't worth even a single relationship in her own mind. She had never liked herself very much and her life was a collection of people leaving her. Her father had started this and somehow her mother followed him. Many people, friends, pets had left her. And this list included a certain boy named Moon Gangtae as well.
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Gangtae wasn't able to sleep the whole of last night. Infact it was difficult for him to be in his usual state of laid-back stillness the whole night. Something had shifted somewhere just by the mere thought of 'her' coming back in his life, somehow. He had felt really angry at Jaesu initially but that anger had subsided to a mix of guilt, melancholy and a strange hope at the thought of this happening. He couldn't really believe that the universe was somehow giving him this chance to see her again. He had himself never forgiven his own self for what he had done.
Therefore, it was silly that another part of him was hugely anticipating the next day. As if he was back to being that boy in b-school who used to eagerly wait for her before classes so that he can casually join and walk in with her. He had been always been so shy, but her energy called out to something deep within him, always. Since the beginning.
He had a morning meeting scheduled with a prospective client for which he was formally dressed in a navy blue three piece - suit. But his mind and concentration weren't cooperating. It had been a long time since he had felt this kind of weird tension. He did not even know what was going to happen. Will she talk to him? Will she acknowledge the fact that they both knew each other? Had she moved forward in life? His rational mind emphasized this particular thought much to his dislike. There was a high chance she had moved forward, it had been 7 years after all. And she was a popular writer doing well in her career. Certainly her personal life must have progressed too. He also dreaded the moment when she will realize that this was his office. From what Jaesu had spoken , he got the idea that she was not aware of him and Jaesu working together and co-owning Dandelion.
The moment Jaesu entered the conference room for their meeting , Gangtae eyed him. But Jaesu was saved because next moment the client arrived and they had to be their professional selves. After what was a very frustrating 45 minutes, they could convince the client post which they took another 20 minutes for taking their requirements. Finally after the client left, Gangtae plopped himself on the chair, sighing.
"Looks like you didn't get any sleep." Jaesu spoke , a hint of tease in his voice.
"Yah. Do you realise what you have done?" Gangtae was pretty serious.
"Gangtae. I did not do anything, it just so happened. Can you please relax?! "
"Jaesu, you do know how important she has been to me, she is still, to me. I don't wanna ruin things more than what I have already done after all these years. I don't want to hurt her Jaesu. I still haven't forgiven myself. " Gangtae sighed, closing his eyes. His guilt was brimming.
"I know everything that you just said, and I also know all about the misery that you give yourself over everything Gangtae. Also, for the record again, this was pure chance. Her manager approached us, we got into a professional contract with them. Why are you thinking too much about it. You need to just be your normal professional self. And for all you know, this might just be a lucky coincidence."
Gangtae opened a water bottle kept on the table and drank it all, trying to cool down the burning anxiety.
"What time will she be coming here?"
"The workshop is scheduled at 5 pm for today. She might come half an hour early since today is the start. I have a meeting scheduled with her manager at 4.30 pm."
"Hmmm" Gangtae was losing his energy now.
"I will be speaking to her Gangtae, before you speak. I will manage it. You need to really chill. For what might be all this stress, she might just have totally forgotten everything and moved on."
"That we shall see." Gangtae growled.
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Munyeong arrived at their office building at around 4.30pm. The building was situated in a corporate park with Dandelion on the 15th Floor. Munyeong called Sang In as soon as she arrived and he asked her to come in the lobby at the 15th floor.
The office decor, logo and overall branding had a very minimalistic design something that Munyeong observed because she had a keen eye. Normally advertising agencies had a very jazzy vibe when you entered their offices, but this seemed to ooze simplicity and elegance. She was impressed and thought that the leadership here possesed a good sense of design. Hopefully the employees would also be interactive, for that's what made her workshop successful.
The receptionist notified her to proceed towards 'Room No. 6" where the workshop was scheduled. As soon as she proceeded towards the way she had indicated, someone appeared in front of her which was absolutely surprising. Her former classmate and friend, Jo Jaesu was making his way towards her. Clad in a grey formal suit, he was walking towards her, a cheerful smile adorning his face.
"Hi Munyeong, long time!"
Ko Munyeong was momentarily stunned.
She spoke after a moment's silence.
"Hi Jaesu. Long time indeed."
"So nice to see you here. Let's have a quick chat in my cabin. I know you have around half an hour till your workshop starts. I recently got to know about you being the speaker. " He spoke as he ushered her towards her cabin.
They entered his office and sat.
"Munyeong. How have you been?"
She had never liked this question. She didn't really like being honest about her well being with anyone, no one actually cared. But there was something in her which knew that Jaesu only had always wished good for genuine well being and hence the natural question.
Should she say that she was startled by seeing him, that will be rude.
" I am good." She gave the easiest of responses.
" I had no idea that you worked in this agency." She continued steering the conversation away from the difficult topic of well being.
Actually Munyeong ah, not only do I work here, I co own this agency. He smiled politely.
Oh, co-founder. She thought. Her mind was already thinking about a certain possibility.
"Me and Gangtae started this few years back, after we came back from the US."
She pressed her lips at his mention, her thought from a moment back turning out to be true. Her mind was now going blank, refusing to think of anything further.
"Good to know that you guys are still together." She couldn't contain the pain from not making its way out in her spoken words.
Jaesu was about to say something when they were interrupted by someone knocking on the door, thankfully for Munyeong.
She got up on the interruption and made her way out explaining her manager might be waiting for her. Jaesu understood and let her leave, asking her to catchup soon again, which she politely accepted.
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Meeting Jaesu had left her surprised, but she wasn't prepared for the onslaught that she encountered next.
It happened as soon as she opened the gate of the office where Sangin was, which she realised belatedly was his cabin.
Moon Gangtae.
When she saw him it felt like she was walking through water. Her steps became heavier, her stance stiffened. Everything around her blurred and slowed down. Her stomach was dropping and she could feel so many emotions crawl under her skin. It was shocking, but she couldn't get over that aching familiarity that she felt, something she thought shouldn't have been there. As if her mind was betraying her. She did not want to feel the effect show on her face, hence she schooled her expression. Her heart had picked up double speed, that ever present pain resurfacing. She felt too conscious to be seen, so suddenly, by him.
He was sitting behind the chair of his desk but he stood up immediately as she walked in, scrambling. His expression showed that he seemed shocked too. It was as if she could see a glimmer of pain when their eyes met, the intensity deafeningly loud for a few moments until it went away. His eyes always conveyed things that his mouth couldn't. And she had always paid a little more attention to them, understanding them more than maybe himself.
"Ah Munyeong, this is Mr. Moon Gangtae, the co founder of Dandelion, Sangin spoke in his energetic voice, waving a hand towards Gangtae."
Gangtae bowed a bit formally and said in a cautious tone "Hi, welcome to Dandelion" , his eyes never leaving her face.
"Annyeongsayo." She bowed back in response, her lips in a straight line, a formal businesslike expression on her face .
"So I have given a brief to Mr. Moon here about the workshop and also other potential collaborations that we can have with their firm after this. There seem to be a lot of scope actually." Sangin gushed out. He was visibly happy sensing potential business which only added to his energy.
"Ah right. Where is this Room no. 6 by the way. Shall we head there? It is about time." Munyeong was looking at Sangin only, trying to keep herself normal while Gangtae was still staring at her lost in thought.
Sangin sensed some tension in her voice and wished she was not in her one of her moods, it was the beginning of the workshop for lord's sake.
"He directed his focus towards Gangtae. Mr. Moon, let us go. I was told that you also shall be attending the class today. "
"Ahh yes, you guys can leave. I shall be there in a couple of minutes."
He was going to join them? What?! The surprises today didn't seem to be ending .
Munyeong did not know how to react to the fact that he was just not here, but also was about to attend her class. Life was tough indeed.
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It was difficult for Munyeong to process all of this so sudden, but then she had years of experience in dealing with sudden unpleasant occurrences. This was more overwhelming and less unpleasant maybe. She managed to not choke on the water as she thought this.
The class started with Munyeong giving her introduction and talking briefly about her background. She gave a brief about how she entered this space of storytelling which further led her to conducting these kind of workshops. She nudged everyone to be participative and spoke about this being a two way communication.
"I endeavor to create this an open and secure space, where you can let go of your hesitations and inner demons if you have any. " Her husky voice added a rich soothing tone to all her spoken words, something Gangtae remembered from before.
Since it was the first session she just took a casual introduction from everyone which included their name and one emotion that they were feeling.
Emotions ranging from excitement, eagerness, happiness, nervousness, cheerfulness came out as responses.
Gangtae couldn't lie in his response and everyone gasped a little that their CEO was feeling 'anxiety' when he spoke. Thankfully they were taking responses one after the other, so no one didn't really have a lot of time to process it.
As the class went on, there were moments when her gaze lingered on him more than necessary. He looked dashing in his suit, sitting in the corner of the semicircular seating arrangement, his hand perched on his chin, a look of absolute focus adorning his facial features. His attention on her was unwavering. He took in every detail about her right from clothes, to how she looked even more beautiful even after all these years. Time had just added to more of her grace.
It was kinda surreal for him to see her in front of him. Her presence lightening up his mundane world, adding color somehow to the ever present blankness. As the class progressed he became more and more in awe of how far she had come in life, how inspiring her words were.
She spoke about acceptance of emotions and awareness of your own self as the starting point to healing and good mental health.
"There is a greater piece of mind in accepting things as they are than resisting or wishing that circumstances were different, since the past cannot be changed. Only fools remain stuck in the past and lament their precious time in the present"
"You are where you are right now, regardless of how you got there. So it's futile thinking about that. Peace can be found in accepting the present as it is, an accurate assessment of our current reality.Also one shouldn't confuse acceptance as resignation, understanding that something is what it is and that there got to be a way through it."
There was a good amount of discussion on emotions and the very many ways of their acceptance, tremendous participation from the class. He could see how she had the power to maneuver fluidly on the various questions thrown at her. She was good, as always. In everything she did, just like she was back in college.
And her words were affecting him in ways he had not expected. 'Acceptance', he was far away from it internally, a reality that he was aware of , for sure.
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Lee Sangin had gone to attend a meeting after Munyeong started with the class , hence she had to wait for him to come back. Because they had another client to attend for dinner. She had come out to the rooftop area, adjoining the conference room to call him. He was on his way, but traffic at this hour meant that he would easily take about 15-20 minutes at the very least.
She had had a packed day already, physically and emotionally. Having never thought of meeting him under such circumstances, not even her dreams. Her mind went back to the emotion that he had picked, anxiety. She probably carried more anxiety herself over how this workshop will play out. It would take a lot from her to see him every other day. Their cheerful memories followed by the painful memory of the last time she saw him were resurfacing in her mind, bringing back the Munyeong of the past with them. From the looks of it, in her mind, he certainly looked like he had done everything he had set out to. He ran a successful agency , had worked in the US before and still looked painfully handsome. He had achieved his dreams which he used to spoke about so highly back then, when they could hang out together without the anxiety.
Involuntarily she took out a cigarette to calm her racing mind out of its sleek case, holding it between her lips while she rummaged for the damn lighter in her TOD's timeless T bag.
As soon as she realized a presence hover around her, she straightened, realizing someone stepped in front of her from the side, a golden lighter being clicked in place to light her cigarette. Her lashes gave way to the vision in front of him, making her hold her breath.
It was him.
Moon Gangtae.
" There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."