Chapter Text

47th: Wake you up

Kuroko

I kiss him because time can’t stop. The first half of the fairytale will end, no matter what I do. Things will get complicated, and I can’t stop it. So, I better make the end of that first half a high point. You can go out like a candle or you can go out like dynamite.

Time can’t stop because it’s not real in the first place. It’s an illusion. So are shadows. But unlike time, shadows can’t be invisible. Because they only exist in the light in the first place. So, they’re not invisible. They’re just gone.

I want to be here too badly.

I want to… keep waking up to myself. I can’t help it.

– I’m too happy. I can’t hide it. I don’t want to. It feels weird to even try, I tell Kagami-kun, before I kiss him again. He holds me so tight.

– Gayyy! someone yells almost next to us. It’s Koganei-senpai. When we both turn to look at him, he grins in a friendly way.

– Sorry, he says. – I felt left out.

Captain nods beside him.

– Yeah, I mean that was so cute I think I’m going to barf but the rest of us are here too!

If I wasn’t already hot and out of breath, I would probably be blushing. But it’s okay. This is… fine. I thought it would be too much for me, I thought I would be too much, like this, in the light. But it’s okay. I can handle it.

We laugh, and Kagami-kun lets me slide down to the floor.

I wanted to go back to basics today. Back to my original source of inspiration. It made me think about something really obvious. Magicians don’t need to hide to make their tricks work. I realised that I had already used that logic here and there, but not consistently.

I can make that work. Better than I did today. Even if I've lost something, it's no use crying after it. I can't stop things, or myself, from evolving.

And I can make this work too.

And it’s because of these people. Because… there have been times when I have felt completely alone. But I’m not going to feel like that anymore, because I won’t forget this. Even if at some point we’re not going to see each other, the acceptance I’ve felt with everyone will carry on. I won’t ever let that memory go, so I’ll always have something to fall back on. Something that will make me believe, even in the hardest times, that everything will be okay again.

Everyone is laughing.

Then mostly everyone is crying.

Kawahara-kun seems to break down the worst again.

– I can’t believe this is the end! he says.

– Stop it! I told you it’s not the end! Captain says.

– Well, at some point we are going to have to acknowledge that you won’t be here next year! Furihata-kun says.

– Silence! yells Coach. Everyone turns to look at her. She clears her throat and lifts her fists at her hips.

– Yes, things will be different next year. Some of us will be gone, she says, and then… – But I will come back for the rest of you!

Everyone stares at her in silence.

She smirks.

– I’m going to make it part of my studies next year! I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure I could make it work, but I will! There’s more than one way, if my first choice doesn’t work out but… it’s because I’ve already been coaching you for long enough and my dad has enough connections… I’ll be there! No matter what!

I was right.

This is the fairytale ending.

It looks like everyone has trouble believing what they’re hearing.

Coach frowns then.

– Don’t you guys want me to be there? she asks.

But then, it doesn’t look like she needs an answer, when everyone starts jump-attack hugging her from left and right.

– I thought it was weird you never talked about next year! That’s such a relief, Furihata-kun says. Then he looks at Captain, and says:

– Now the only question is who will replace you.

It’s followed by silence, during which everyone stares at Furihata-kun.

– What? What did I say?

Captain starts laughing quietly. He’s not exactly the only one.

– I think everyone here knows already, he says quietly.

Only Furihata-kun looks baffled.

When people keep staring at him, he looks around, and then his eyes go wide.

– What?!

Everyone smiles.

– Yeah, says Fukuda-kun. – I mean, no one’s forcing you, but you do ground us.

I don’t think Furihata-kun is going to refuse.

And I think there are a lot of things everyone else can know but you just don’t even notice, because you’re too close to it yourself.

While everyone is still laughing and talking, someone bumps my shoulder lightly. When I turn, I’m not expecting to see Yagi-kun. He’s looking down.

– I just… wanted to say, I’m sorry, senpai, he says.

I’m too surprised to say anything back immediately. He sighs then, and says:

– I think I thought I was supposed to think it’s weird, he says. – But I don’t really… feel like it’s weird.

He looks at me sheepishly, then he looks away.

– How can it be wrong, if it makes you look so happy? he says then, quietly.

My heart swells.

What can I do but smile?

Everyone’s not going to think that. But what really matters, are the people who do. And there are people who do. Even unexpected ones.

At some point, before we get to the changing room, someone we don’t even know, whistles at Kagami-kun, when he’s passing by, says “nice” and winks in a way that makes it clear he’s not talking about the game.

And then, when I turn, I meet… a pair of eyes looking at me that I hadn’t had time to prepare for, yet. Ogiwara-kun is standing there, looking at me.

I knew of course, that his team stayed to see the finals. I knew that most people I know and care about were in the audience today. But I hadn’t yet had time to break down in my head what that actually means. Which individual people saw everything.

But at least, Ogiwara-kun smiles. So, I walk up to meet him.

– I would ask if you could meet me tomorrow, he says, and his smile turns regretful. – But I have to leave too early.

 I don’t want him to go without a chance for us to talk properly face to face.

– If you have the time… we’re all going to hang out at Kagami-kun’s place later. I’m sure you’d be welcome there.

He blinks.

– Oh.

He glances at something behind me. Probably Kagami-kun.

– It’s not just our team. Some of our long-distance friends are probably going to stop by too, I say. By that, I mostly mean Himuro-san, because Kagami-kun agreed with him that they were going to hang out later, no matter how the game ended.

Ogiwara-kun looks back to me.

– Well, sure, I think I could do that. I mean, I don’t want to steal you from everyone, but I guess I could stop by for a while.

After he goes his way, I briefly scan the crowd for my parents. I don’t see them. I’m not going to go out of my way to find them. Not yet.

Rainbow Guys 21:33

Kise-kun:

I’m crying alone T_T T_T T_T

Kise-kun:

Need someone to cry with

Kise-kun:

I mean we still went out with everyone but they’re gone now

Kise-kun:

Rakuzan and seirin are celebrating so who’s gonna cry with me :’’(

Kise-kun:

Aominecchi?? momocchi??

Kise-kun:

I guess you stopped crying weeks ago

Kise-kun:

You could cry some more right???

Kise-kun:

This is not fair

Kise-kun:

I mean we didn’t even get the group date since everyone started bailing

Kise-kun:

The world is against me

Kise-kun:

It’s not fair that kagamicchi and kurokocchi get to celebrate now when you lost to me!! DX

Kise-kun:

Sry it’s just lonely ;_;

Kise-kun:

It doesn’t taste like silver it tastes like loss

Kise-kun:

Not that I know what silver tastes like I mean it’s probably bad :P

Kise-kun:

I don’t wanna go home yet DDDX

Kise-kun:

Not trying to rain on akashicchi’s parade just need literally anyone else to answer me

Kise-kun:

Come on you can’t all be doing something super important

Kise-kun:

;__;

Kise-kun:

I’m mister lonely… 🎵🎵

Kise-kun:

-__-

Kise-kun:

boohooooooooooooo

Kise-kun:

I hate you guys

Kise-kun:

I don’t hate you guys ;_;

Kise-kun:

Did I mention I’m crying alone

Kagami-kun:

come here you fool

– I guess it’s an open house tonight, Kagami-kun says in an exasperated tone, just after taking too much pity on Kise-kun. – All losers can gather!

– I hope you realise that Kise-kun is likely going to be insufferably smug about everything he can possibly be smug about.

Kagami-kun shrugs.

– As long as we’re the only winner-losers tonight.

I don’t really care either. Just looking at Kagami-kun grimacing at his phone again and again during a good ten minutes, and then evidently deciding that he didn’t want Kise-kun to cry alone after all, makes me love him more.

He pulled me into his room a moment ago. I suppose he was just feeling touchy-feely and wanted some privacy. Even though he didn’t close the door.

He was kissing me against the wall when Izuki-senpai and Tsuchida-senpai passed by the door. They cheered.

It almost made me tear up. I’m so relieved and yet so overwhelmed. Also, getting really tired. Even though the atmosphere has been so relaxed tonight. No alcohol involved. Mostly, people have just had a lot to talk about with each other. All in such a good spirit. I don’t know when I would have felt so good about everything quite like this. Last year feels just so… different to this it’s not comparable. Last year was extreme and unbelievable in its own way and now... everything just fills me with warmth. Still, it was all getting to a point out there in the living room, where I was having a hard time telling one voice apart from another, when Kagami-kun pulled me aside.

I almost ended up dozing off on Kagami-kun’s bed covers just before both of our phones started buzzing in synchronisation with Kise-kun's messages.

I’m still lying curled up on the side of the bed and Kagami-kun sits beside me, stroking my hair. When I’m tired like this, I find that it feels like pure bliss. I could actually fall asleep to it, if I wasn’t too eager to stay awake.

– I wish tonight didn’t have to end, I say out loud. I find myself just saying a lot of things as I think them. Tonight I feel... strangely open, but in some ways more myself. Like... whatever I am, is okay because I'm not the weirdest person in the room. We are all just who we are. The thing is, I never felt different from other people. It was other people who always told me I was different. That's why it never became something I was proud of in and of itself, like some people are. Because that notion never came from within.

I think I only realised tonight... being "different" has always been a burden for me. That's why I was never truly able to own it before. I only accepted it as a tool for myself, only because sometimes being different meant that I was useful, that I had a place, and could be accepted, because there were some things that I could do that other people couldn't. I've always been able to give myself fully to a role that I think benefits everyone, so that's how I was able to accept being labled as different. But...

I finally realised tonight. If everyone is different, if everyone is weird, if everyone is a mistfit... then, I can revel in it. Because it's finally not just me. Because I'm in a team where everyone has experienced it, everyone has, at least at some point, been made to feel like they don't quite belong. It doesn't matter that I'm different weird from everyone, because every single one of us is different weird from everyone else. Everyone still accepts each other's weirdness at face value. And that... has got to be the most unifying experience I've ever had.

I wonder why it took me so long to see. But now that I do, I know that's the atmosphere that I want to protect with everything that I've got. That it's the feeling I wish to give other people the most of all. That everyone could be accepted as themselves, no matter how close or far from the norm, or the next person they are. So, whatever happens next year, that's what I want the most. I want to pass it on. The feeling of acceptance that I've been lucky enough to be a part of.

Kagami-kun chuckles beside me, and says:

– You’re half asleep.

– Just for a minute.

– Okay, he says. His fingers travel to my jaw and neck. Even though his touch is light it doesn’t feel like too much.

– Have you ever had a perfect day, Kagami-kun?

He laughs.

– Well, what do you mean by perfect?

– Not like the best thing that ever happened to you. Just, that, even in small ways everything went right that day. Everything made you happy.

– Yeah, he says, and takes my hand, bringing it to his lips. They brush my knuckles.

– I’m guessing this was a perfect day? he says, and his hand goes back to my hair.

I smile.

Koganei-senpai passes by the door and stops, letting out a sound that is a combination of a laugh and a sigh.

– Is this the second time tonight you guys need to be reminded that the rest of us exist, too? he says, but he doesn’t sound serious. Then he smirks at Kagami-kun and adds:

– I mean, I’m not telling you what you can do on your bed, but…

Kagami-kun’s hand stops but it doesn’t disappear. His fingers dig firmly onto my scalp.

– As if I’m doing anything indecent! he says. His voice sounds flustered.

Koganei-senpai laughs.

– Well, at least you’re not like our other two lovebirds on the balcony just now, I’ll give you that. I mean, I guess it’s cute too, but it was a bit much. I think there was tongue.

Kagami-kun snorts.

– Your fault for spying on people! he says.

Koganei-senpai smiles but rolls his eyes.

– With open bedroom doors, and glass balcony doors, what do you people think is going to happen? he says.

– We’ll be there, okay! Kagami-kun says. – Kuroko just needed a nap.

– It’s true, I say.

– Alright, alright, Koganei-senpai says as he turns away. Then he looks over his shoulder and smirks again.

– I mean, take your time… he says with eyebrows reaching up.

Kagami-kun gets up suddenly, and kicks the door shut. Then he gets on the bed behind me, wrapping his arm around me. I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth. Then he pulls me on my back, closer to him. I open my eyes to see his face close to mine, smiling at me. A small, cat-like smile.

– Let’s wake you up, he whispers, and pulls me even closer before he kisses me softly.

Yes. Let’s wake me up. Please, wake me up, body and soul. Because who knows how long we get to be like this?

My hands wrap around Kagami-kun’s neck, and his other knee finds its way between mine.

Even though I don’t really care, I find myself saying:

– Someone could still walk in.

He snorts quietly.

– As if you can speak to me about PDA for like, the next year, now…

– That’s a little unfair, since I was inspired by you…

He cuts my sentence short with a kiss. My sleepy brain is nothing but happy about it. It’s too easy to ignore the rest of the world, even the room… I just like it too much. His lips. His hands. His skin. Everything. Why did I ever think it would be too much? It’s not too much. Too much is not too much… and my thoughts are not coherent, but I just… don’t want this to end.

– Well, if someone walks in and they’re traumatised by two people cuddling, who are not even naked, that’s on them, Kagami-kun mumbles.

He tastes so good. How can someone’s mouth even taste good?

– Do you want to be? I whisper, before my brain can stop me.

He stops kissing me.

Then he snaps his fingers in front of my eyes, like he’s trying to see if I’m awake.

– Earth calls, he says and looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

– I’m awake.

– You’re clearly not, because I don’t think you heard a word I said.

– Why would you think that?

– Because you’re muttering something that doesn’t make any sense. You’re having some dream conversation in your head.

Oh. He genuinely thinks that. He thinks I was responding to something no one really said. Talking about something else. He looks merely amused.

I sigh and pull his head back close to me. He smiles against my lips. It doesn’t matter. I just want to kiss him for hours, as long as he’s touching me, in whatever way, I’m just going to feel ridiculously high about everything tonight. I just want everything I can get tonight, and I don’t want tonight to end.

I know we can’t be here for hours…

He makes my head spin.

He kisses me so softly.

I kiss him harder.

Kagami-kun shifts on the bed. Away from me. It’s odd, how… irritated it makes me feel to part from his lips.

He leans his head on his fist and looks at me.

– Are you awake now? he asks.

I let out another sigh.

– No.

I hope it’s going to make him kiss me again.

He laughs.

He just looks at me.

I guess I’ll take that too. Just looking into his eyes. He has wonderful eyes. So expressive. I guess that’s one of the things I always liked about him. I like people whose eyes say a lot. He’s easy to read.

Usually.

I can’t read him at all right now.

I don’t know if he can’t read me or if he just doesn’t feel like touching me as much as I want to touch him right now.

I reach for his cheek. He smiles softly and leans into my hand. It sends a wave of pleasure through my arm, straight to my heart. I guess, because I’m not that sleepy anymore my heart starts racing, looking at Kagami-kun whose face looks so open and soft and relaxed beside me. It’s just… what I feel for him is… too much but not too much. Too much is not too much.

Maybe it's not even too much to say the word that is too much. Or maybe that word just isn't too much.

– Kagami-kun…

The look in his eyes gets just a little bit sharper.

– Hmm?

My heart is pounding in my head, building pressure like I need to get it out…

– I…

There’s a knock on the door.

Kagami-kun rolls his eyes and gets up.

I sigh. Everything that was going on inside my head just… dissolves. I roll back on my side on the edge of the bed and close my eyes for a moment to get a grip and not turn into a flustered mess for the confession I was just about to make.

The one at the door is Himuro-san. Apparently he just got here, and someone pointed him at the direction of Kagami-kun’s bedroom. I’m about to say I’ll leave, so they can talk here in peace, but Kagami-kun suggests they take a walk, because it’s impossible to have any peace around his place right now.

Suddenly, I feel like I could actually take a nap.

I’m not left alone for long. I open my eyes when I hear another knock, even though the door is open.

This time it’s Kise-kun standing there, looking a bit lost.

– Hey, he says and smirks sadly. – Finally found someone else in low spirits.

– I’m only low on energy.

He shrugs.

– Well, close enough for me. Can I bother you?

It’s so rare for him to ask before he does anything that it makes me feel warm, and it's like I couldn't stop myself from smiling if I wanted to.

– Sure, I say.

His smirk turns into an almost hopeful smile. He walks to me and sits on the floor, leaning his arms and head on the edge of the bed. Then he sighs deeply.

– Man, I thought any company would do, but everyone is so damn happy here, he whines. – I thought some of that could rub off on me, but it just makes me pissed.

– When did you get here?

– A while ago, I don’t know.

I’m not super clear on what the time is either.

He looks at me from the corner of his eye for some time. Then he looks away, and says quietly:

– Was it stupid of me to even think we could win against Akashicchi?

I blink. And smile.

– Of course not.

He lets out another sigh and turns his head away.

– Are you just saying that because you know it’s what I want to hear?

– No, I’m not.

– But that’s why I came to you, he says and sniffs a little. – Because I knew you would say that, and I wanted to hear it.

I hold back a chuckle.

– That doesn’t make what I say untrue, I tell him.

He doesn’t say anything.

I like Kise-kun so much like this. When he says what he means. When he doesn’t make me guess what he wants from me. I like that his feelings are just out here and they’re not confusing. Nothing he does or says contradicts his energy.

I would just tell Kise-kun how much I like him when he’s not hiding behind jokes, if I didn’t know it would make him defensive.

I reach out and brush my knuckles against his hair lightly.

He turns his head and looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

I can't seem to stop smiling tonight.

– I know you did your best. And even if it wasn’t your best… it would still be okay.

He looks at me like he’s about to cry and hides his face between his arms on the bed.

I leave my hand on his elbow. I just want him to know he can ask for my attention and it’s not annoying to me when he speaks plainly.

Then, someone appears at the door, yet again.

It’s Ogiwara-kun. He finally made it here.

He just stands there for a moment, hands in the pockets of his hoodie, looking sort of lost too, but in a different way from Kise-kun. He looks at Kise-kun and then me.

– Hi, he says. Almost like he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say.

Ogiwara-kun always knows what to say. That’s one of the things I always liked about him.

– Uh, sorry if I interrupted something, he says then. Kise-kun is already getting up from the floor and wipes the corner of his eye quickly. I sit up too.

– It’s fine, it’s fine, Kise-kun says. – I mean, I’m sure you came all the way just to talk to Kurokocchi. I’ll leave you to it…

When he goes, Ogiwara-kun’s eyes follow him for a moment. Like he’s thinking about something.

– It’s okay, I say, which feels odd because I was the one who told him to come here in the first place. – Kise-kun just needed someone to comfort him for a while.

He looks at me then and smiles a little. Then he comes and sits beside me but doesn’t look at me.

Something about him doesn’t seem quite as energetic as usual.

– Is… everything okay? I ask.

– Oh, yeah, he says and scratches his neck a little awkwardly. – I mean…

He glances at me and then away and looks at me again.

– Well, it’s… been a while. And I thought I had so many things I wanted to say, but suddenly I don’t seem to remember what they were.

I realise that I haven’t thought of exactly what I want to talk about either. With Ogiwara-kun, I never needed to. I could always trust him to speak first. All I needed to do was respond. That’s why being friends with him was so easy from the beginning.

Maybe that’s why I’ve felt like we’ve been so quiet. Not just because there’s distance. It’s because I never realised I would need to reach out to him. I never thought anything could make him speechless.

What is making him speechless now?

Even so, he speaks first.

– What a night, huh?

I nod.

– I don’t think I’ve still wrapped my head around every single thing, I say.

– Oh. Like what?

He’s looking away from me again.

– Well, it’s been… unexpected. Like the fact that our coach decided to arrange things so that she doesn’t have to leave the team next year.

– Oh, that’s cool! I mean… she seems like she’s great.

I nod.

He nods too, but it’s like he’s nodding to something in his head.

– You can be quite surprising, you know that? he says then.

I don’t know what to say to that. Is he talking about… what I did earlier today? About Kagami-kun? I would expect him to be surprised by that, at least a little. I’m sure he saw… right?

But how do I speak about it, when I’m not sure he’s talking about it?

– I… I’m not necessarily trying to be, I end up saying. – In general.

Ogiwara-kun almost… chuckles? He looks at me, but I can’t help but think it’s still a little awkward. He looks down then… almost sad? Then he laughs just a little.

– You looked… so happy today, he says. – So… full of life. It’s like… I guess you have no regrets. About anything.

It makes me stare at him. I just don’t understand where he’s coming from.

– I mean, I’m happy for you, he says, though he’s still not looking at me. – It’s like… you’ve really got everything you wanted, right?

I don’t understand his tone.

– I…

He looks at me when I speak.

– My one regret is… that I still didn’t get to face you in a game, I say, and lean just a little bit towards him.

He leans away.

It’s so subtle and it’s like he’s trying to stop himself in the middle of it, but I know it’s not my imagination.

I freeze.

He’s looking away again. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Out of nowhere, the air feels… like spikes.

Even though Ogiwara-kun smiles again. But it’s not a happy smile.

– You do know why we made that promise once, don’t you? he asks then.

I blink.

I don’t even understand that question.

When I don’t say anything, he looks at me.

– You know we don’t literally have to do that, right? he says. – I mean I’d like to, very much, of course, but it’s not…

He sighs deeply, exasperatedly. Like I’m missing something completely obvious.

He looks at me more straightforwardly in the eye than he has yet.

– It wasn’t about that, Ogiwara-kun says. – It was never about that. Not really. I just… I just wanted you to promise me we wouldn’t lose touch with each other! And now I just can’t help feeling like… like you never understood that.

I stare at him, dumbfounded.

Did I not understand that?

I guess I didn’t.

Not the way he wanted me to.

He shakes his head.

– For me, it was always more about you than it was about playing basketball.

I am speechless now.

I didn’t understand that.

He means… that he just needed a reason to keep talking to me? Because, the hope of seeing each other again in games did keep us talking. In the beginning. But then…

I think I doubled down on fulfilling that promise, so much that I forgot about talking. Which was supposed to be the most important part. I didn’t understand… that our promise was always supposed to be a means to an end. I didn’t even consider it. That bit went completely over my head.

I was just too happy that someone wanted anything from me. That he wanted to see me again. I thought what was meant was… what was being said.

I’m such an idiot.

We didn’t grow apart because I couldn’t fulfil my promise to him. We grew apart because I never understood what I promised, at all.

I don’t know what to say.

I have to say something.

I don’t know if I can say anything.

My phone buzzes. It’s still on the bed beside me where I left it earlier.

I don’t move.

I just don’t know what to do.

– Hey, you can see what it is, Ogiwara-kun says.

I don’t know what else to do, so I do what he says.

It’s a message from Dad. I was wondering how long it would take. It looks like Granny has been able to keep him talking for hours, if he has only now managed to focus for long enough to decide what to do with me.

Come home now. You’re grounded.

This is where the second half of Into the Woods starts.

It’s not a nightmare.

It’s just where we face the consequences of our choices.