Chapter Text
The world looks like it did before the war, the crash, the water, and the bone-chilling cold that came with all of it. It sounds exactly the same, too, which tips Steve off as to something being eerily wrong. The woman who enters looks normal enough, but, then again, Steve has learned that the most average people can hide great – and often disturbing - secrets.
The baseball game on the radio is the same one. He knows because he experienced it once already. And, of course, when he asks the woman she pretends like Steve is the one with the problem.
It doesn’t take long after that for Steve to escape and find himself in a place – a city presumably – with towering buildings, flashing screens, racing cars and even faster-paced pedestrians. Everything looks so otherworldly; so much like the things he went underwater to destroy.
Maybe he failed and the Tesseract created this world filled with machinery and a distinct absence of nature.
---
Loki falls, and falls, and keeps falling. It becomes unbearable. His voice has gone hoarse from screaming, fearing the bottom of the abyss, his eyes are red-rimmed and crusty with dried tears, his heart is aching as he dreams of a man he longs to see once more.
That’s it, Loki thinks, Steve.
If Loki can just survive this fall, this black hole in between their realms, this cold, harsh darkness that’s trying to swallow him whole, then he can find his way back to Steve. The world seems anew – fresh with life and knowledge – ready to release the force that is Captain America at long last.
They can be together again finally, and Loki will forgive Steve properly this time. He will not waste their precious time any longer.
This may not have been what Loki planned when he let himself tumble into oblivion, but it seems now to be his fate – his destiny. To be saved by Captain America - precious Steve Rogers - would bring them full-circle, wouldn’t it?
Loki is the broken, frail one this time, fighting against all odds, needing a hand but never willing to ask for it. And Steve will gladly return the favour once he sees what’s become of Loki; he’d never turn down an old friend, a lover, someone facing unfathomable desperation.
“Yes,” Loki mutters, closing his eyes, “I will use this as my chance to redeem myself, to reach Steve as a new man, and he will take me in gladly.”
The fall doesn’t feel so impossible after that.
---
There are bits and pieces that haunt Steve’s dreams as he tries to understand what happened. He sees water, feels it swallowing him, then a man – or something living at least – with blue skin appears, but that’s all Steve can remember. It doesn’t matter, anyway. Maybe his mind is trying to protect him from things he doesn’t need to know.
He can move on with his life better this way. Not remembering might be safer.
---
Loki doesn’t care about anyone in Asgard – not his ‘mother’, his ‘father’, nor his ‘brother’ – he longs only to see and be with Steve again. His realm won’t accept him, and the place where he should be never wanted him to begin with. All he has left, the only shelter he can think of, is the place between Steve’s open arms and the warmth he can draw from the only man he truly loves.
It’s unfortunate it has to be done this way, but Loki uses any means he can to return to Midgard – now that he’s found his way inside a darkness no-one dares enter. The Chitauri and their leader see the pain, the hole, in Loki’s chest as a way to bring him to their side. But he could watch them all burn – would, if Steve required it – if only to be by Steve’s side again.
Does no-one understand what he’s done, what he’s willing to do? Nothing matters. Not a creature, nor any emotion. Loki breathes, sleeps, dreams, lives on for Steve Rogers and nothing else.
The scepter he’s given locates the Tesseract – that powerful object which wrenched Steve away from Loki in the first place - communicates with it, and opens a portal into Midgard for Loki to walk through freely.
The irony in Loki’s existence never quite ceases, does it?
---
Steve spends his days – and often nights – picturing that unknown face as he trains in the gym that Director Fury has provided him with. Each time his fist hits the punching bag, the sand shifting beneath his knuckles and muscles, the chain squeaking from the impact, Steve’s mind imagines who that could be, what they would be doing in freezing cold water.
The answers never come, and the bag lurches dangerously before disconnecting completely and splitting open once it hits the ground.
And then it all starts over again. Every day.
Steve never sleeps properly anymore.
---
Loki is being tracked, watched over like a hawk, so he cannot go to Steve directly without it being noticed. And if ever they were to realize Loki’s allegiance isn’t to them, they would take out their anger on Steve. Loki could never forgive himself if that were to happen.
That night, while Steve takes in a few hours of rest, Loki goes into his dreams, seeking him in the deepest corners of his mind.
---
Steve stares at Loki, uncomprehending, but makes no move to approach him.
Loki can’t help but smile; he’s missed Steve terribly, more than he’d likely admit. He steps towards Steve, and Steve moves away, hands out in front of him as a barrier. Loki feels hurt, of course, but this is all right.
Steve hasn’t seen him in decades. Maybe he thought Loki died. Maybe he’s confused by the current setting; it’s not every day you get paid a visit in your subconscious. Maybe it’s all just a bit overwhelming for Steve. God knows it’s overwhelming for Loki, but he’s waited all this time, why waste any more?
“Steve,” Loki says, still smiling, reaching a hand out slowly. “I’ve missed you. I am not going to hurt you. Don’t you want to at least hug me?”
Steve frowns, putting his palms flat against his pants, wiping the sweat from them. Even in his dreams all he does is hit his sandbag until it breaks apart.
Loki takes a step forward, and Steve doesn’t back away this time, but his frown deepens.
“Steve- I – I love you very much. I want to be with you,” Loki declares, feeling vulnerable and completely at Steve’s mercy. “I don’t know if you’ve found someone else or if you—”
“Wait,” Steve interjects, standing up straighter now, looking very authoritative. “I’m pretty sure I’m dreaming, so how are you here? And, who are you exactly?”
Loki’s heart sinks to the soles of his feet, a knife lodging itself between each of his ribs of either lung, twisting and digging into the bone, trying to scrape at the marrow.
“S-Steve, you can’t be serious. I am Loki. I- we were together before…” Loki trails off, seeing the confusion in Steve’s mind. He’s really forgotten who Loki is. “I saved you,” he says, voice small and hurt. He feels like he’s been decimated, stripped of his goal in life, turned into the sand that Steve beats.
“I don’t know who you think I am, but I haven’t been with anyone. I’ve been frozen for seventy years. You would have been dead a long time ago, along with Bucky, and Peggy…” Steve explains, his brow furrowed and his eyes sad at the mention of Peggy. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know who you are.”
Loki’s eyes darken. Steve remembers those people, those useless mortals, but he forgot Loki – the one who made this possible in the first place. He’s raging inside, feeling strangled and weak and burnt raw from this situation. And then Loki remembers something he’d read regarding the spell he used on Steve.
Spell should not be in effect for an extensive amount of time. Side effects will be vast and most likely permanent.
Is this because of Loki? Has Loki done this to Steve? Made him forget about specific parts of his life before the crash – namely Loki?
Steve crosses his arms, looking stern and fearless, and so little like the man who had cried at Loki’s feet.
“Are you all right, sir?” He says, politely and confidently.
Loki scoffs, and a mask of his own quickly falls into place. “I will be, Captain America.”
---
Steve wakes up the next morning with a strange ache in his skull, like he’s lost a part of him he can’t ever get back.
(Loki used his magic to remove their conversation from Steve’s memory. No point leaving evidence of his existence behind if the bigger picture and the significant details have been altered, tampered with.)
Fury comes to Steve with a file and a sullen look on his face. He’s barely been back from his ‘vacation’ for a month, and already Captain America is being called to duty.
Steve wants to turn down the mission, but he has a feeling it’s going to be a serious problem and that turning it down would mean a lot of innocent people dying.
He packs his things, reads the files, and leaves his personal problems at the door of the gym. The visions and the man in them will have to wait until he can be sure the world isn’t going to explode around him.
---
Loki is almost impressed by Steve and his shiny new shield. He would be more so if Steve wasn’t mortal, weak, forgetful, insensitive, ungrateful…The list goes on. To put it bluntly, Loki knows Steve, and putting on a tight red, white and blue costume is not going to make Loki tremble or put his scepter down. Not unless Loki plans to – which he does.
They battle, and Loki feels invigorated, inspired by Captain America. It makes him forget about the man behind the flag – just for a moment. And that’s when he has Steve on his knees, his head bowed because of the weight of Loki’s weapon.
“Kneel,” Loki grinds out. But what he means is something else. Kneel and remember how it was before. Remember how you were when you did this willingly. Remember me, Steve Rogers, for I cannot forget you.
But Captain America only frees himself while saying, “Not today.”
Some other time then, perhaps, Loki thinks distantly, knowing that will never be the case.
---
Thor knows as soon as he takes Loki out of the Avengers’ custody.
“Stop this insanity, Loki. Come home with. Forget about your mortal, and give up this dream. Father will forgive you. I have forgiven you.”
But Loki can’t. Not when his dream was taken from him. All he has left is broken pieces and a deal to honour. There’s no backing down at this point. There never was that option to begin with. Loki just hoped he could convince Steve to follow him to the depths of the earth, the summits of mountains, the bottom of seas – like Loki already has for him.
Maybe it was too much to ask all along.
Loki’s never been anything to anyone but a bother, a disappointment, a burden to carry, and a distraction at best.
“I mourned for you,” Thor whispers, clutching at Loki’s armour.
Loki doesn’t need to say it because Thor can hear it already. Then continue to do so for this is just the beginning.
---
Loki doesn’t try to interact with Captain America again; the ache too great to deal with when they are near.
He loses, naturally. He never wanted to win anything for the Chitauri; it was all for Steve. And he lost that battle many years ago.
There’s no more fight in him when Thor – regretfully – slips the muzzle on, hand firm and warm against Loki’s shoulder. He still cares, Loki thinks. At least one of them does. At least someone does.
Too bad it isn’t the one man whose opinion counts in Loki’s eyes that does.
---
It takes six months after Loki’s captured for Steve to realize he’s the same man from his dreams, his visions. Loki is the one that saved his life. And he’d been harbouring that fact, avoiding this information all along – like a coward.
Villain or not, Loki was good once, and could become so again in the future.
Steve vows to thank Loki for that someday.
Someday soon even.
For the first time in a year, Steve gets a full night’s sleep. He dreams of Loki’s natural blue skin and crimson eyes that will forever call to him.