Chapter Text
“Childe!”
You could see his shoulders stiffen in recognition as he slowed to a halt. Though you called him Childe, such an intimate pet name rather than his regal title of Tartaglia, he did not call you at all.
How long had it been since your break up? You were loath to even call it that—‘we broke up’ sounds so juvenile. Like some sort of accident, a trivial vase fallen off a shelf. He was supposed to be your forever. How do you just ‘break up’ with eternity? And, with it being entirely one sided rather than a ‘we’ statement, you were all the more unwilling to acknowledge what had happened. There was still a small glimmer of hope that he’d said something he didn’t mean. You might be naïve, and you were certainly hurting after being on the dumpee ex end, but there were things you had already accepted that you could never possibly understand; especially when it came to the Tsaritsa’s right-hand men. You already knew that going into this. He knew that you knew.
So why did he still look at you with such glassy, dead eyes?
“You’ve assigned me back to Snezhnaya.”
You tried to keep calm. But this was your first time facing him ever since he’d walked off on you, and to be frank, you couldn’t even sort out what you were feeling. Grief? Anger? Sadness? Joy? It was a myriad, swirling all around, and it was paralyzing. You’d had plenty of time to come up with things to say to him—many of which were explosive expletives that’d make his mother wash your mouth out with soap—but now, finally standing before of him, you couldn’t think of anything to talk about. You used to be able to have such easy conversations with him. It all felt so foreign all of the sudden.
“Yes,” he replied neutrally. “Do you not understand your orders?”
You felt yourself withering under such a cold gaze. He’d never looked at you like that before. His eyes had always been so warm and gentle, full of adorations and unspoken ‘I love yous’. Like a stark blue sky in the dead of winter, sunshine sparkling against blankets of snow. The chill now in those blue irises was brutal. He didn’t even look at his enemies in this way, always welcoming a fair opportunity to cross blades. You couldn’t tell what you meant to him anymore. You were neither friend nor foe. You were… nothing.
“I have questions.” You scrambled to buy time, knowing he would disappear if you didn’t keep him here. “Why? You’ve kept me harboured in Liyue all this time, and now you’re just going to ship me back home?”
“As you may know, I have new orders in Inazuma.” He crossed his arms over his chest, a nervous habit of his when he didn’t know what to do with his hands. “Thus, my squad in Liyue is no longer needed.”
“Why aren’t I going with you?” you demanded.
“Nobody’s coming with me,” he replied pointedly. “You’re not special.”
The words cut you in half. That’s not what he said when he curled up to you in the bed of his childhood room, your bare chests touching skin-to-skin, heart beats aligned. You’re my whole world, he used to whisper.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
“Look—I don’t want to be a child about this. I just want to know the truth.” You threw your entire façade away and bared yourself raw to him, tears streaming down your cheeks, hands trembling at your sides. “I don’t even want to burden you with myself any longer. I just have to know… do you still love me?”
You choked a breath back, so afraid to hear the answer you wished you hadn’t said it at all. But you knew you would never find closure if you didn’t. He had to say ‘yes’. He could say ‘yes, I do, but I can’t be with you right now’, and you would say ‘okay, thank you for your honesty’, and then you’d part ways. At least then you could glue yourself back together. At least then, you could wait for a time when he was ready to come back. When the two of you could press heart shapes into dumpling dough again; fight back to back, blood on your hands like cherry jam. Be lovers—no, be family. Blood is thicker than water. Blood; the scarlet, saccharine fruit juice that leaks out the corners of his poorly assembled cherry dumplings, and the whole family would laugh at him to poke fun, and you’d be there to pat his back while holding back a laugh of your own—
“No, I don’t. So you need to stop asking and obey my orders. Take the first ship out. If I see you loitering around here again, I’ll have you decommissioned.”
He turned around, as if to make sure you couldn’t see his expression and was already off before you could think of anything to say back. You hated it; this utter feeling of helplessness. By his side you had felt so powerful. So wanted. After all, he’d spied on you. He’d chosen you out of everybody else he could’ve had. But then he just used you all up and threw you away like trash.
“I know you’re lying!” you screamed at his back, snapping out of the reverie once you realized he was nearly gone. “Ajax, I know…!”
He didn’t turn around. He kept walking, not even pausing for thought. So, what did you really know about him? He drooled when he napped on your chest; he had a fondness for fluffy animals; and he loved unconditionally… once. Was it all just a dream?
By the time you looked back up over the horizon, he was gone. And though the temperate winds of Liyue could never compare to the harrowingly frigid winters of home, you had never felt colder in your life.