Chapter Text
It had been a while since Katara had been able to take the time to visit Toph after she delivered her baby. It had been three months since then. The fire lady had told Toph that it wouldn’t be wise for her to be alone, especially after having lost her husband some weeks prior at the time, but the new mother snapped at her friend, insisting that she could stay at her house in Republic City because it would be best for the baby to be around her actual home rather than a palace she would seldom visit.
Despite this, the waterbender did her best to dig up a time slot in her schedule, working through the current month’s agenda, so she could visit Toph. It had taken longer than she had hoped, but she did it, and she was on her way to her friend’s house, Kuang’s takeaway in one hand and an outfit she found particularly cute for baby Lin in the other. When she had been pregnant, Katara enjoyed takeaway food more than anything and she loved the free gifts she would receive on a regular basis, so she figured Toph might, too.
The sun was warm against her face as its shy rays beamed through the darkened windows of the jeep she was in, but the day felt gloomy overall. There were gray clouds in the sky, the sun trying to peek through the spaces between them. It smelled like rain, too. It was a shame, really, because the whole week had shown a beautiful forecast, yet the one day the fire lady chose to ditch her duties for a few days and visit her friend, all the day showed for was gloom and doom. Hopefully, thought Katara, the day wasn’t an indication of Toph’s mood.
“Are you comfortable, your grace?” Her head of security asked from where he sat in the passenger’s seat.
Katara, still not used to being addressed with such formalities, took a moment to realize who he had been talking to. “Yes, thank you, Seju.”
Zuko had insisted that she brought security along with her for the trip as she “could never be too safe.” Katara had told him that she would be just fine on her own, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer despite the silent treatment she gave him. This, however, was short-lived as he cited his concerns over their friend, too, saying, “She needs a friend right now, and I need you to be safe so you can be there for her.”
She had given him a half-hearted glare and said, “Fine. I’ll take security. Just Seju, though. I don’t want the whole detail.”
Her husband let out a long sigh and begrudgingly agreed, knowing that he wouldn’t get anywhere when Katara had her mind made up.
Fast learner, he was. And she loved him for that and many other things, especially his attentiveness to his family.
She felt the vehicle come to a stop, pulling her out of her thoughts. Seju helped Katara out of the car and told her to call on him if she needed anything. With a nod, she walked up the stone path to Toph’s home as she pulled the key the police chief had given her to let herself into the house. Toph had given each member of their friend group a key to the home as soon as she and Kanto finished renovations on it. When she had given them each a key, she bashfully said, “In case there’s a fire or something.”
Kanto had looked at Toph, an incredulous expression on his face that made Katara giggle, then scoffed. “She had actually told me that it was because you were the people she most trusted in the world, but I guess ‘fire’ is now code for that.”
Toph sent him her best side-eyed glare, chucking a small piece of rock at his head. “I don’t recall saying that, Hotshot. Get your facts straight and quit putting words into my mouth.”
“Hey, now,” Sokka chimed before Kanto could say anything. The deputy was rubbing on the sore spot left on his forehead. Nudging Toph in the shoulder with the head of the key he was given, Sokka said, “You don’t have to be ashamed for, you know, trusting us and loving us or whatnot. It’s really nothing to be ashamed of.”
“What? Like your fear of public speaking as a council chairman?” Toph bit, pushing him away from her.
Sokka had deflated when a chorus of laughter followed Toph’s quip. “That’s… not fair.”
“Leave her alone, Sokka,” Katara had said in her friend’s defense. Then, she turned to her, grabbing her hand. “Thank you for trusting us with these. I’ll use it on my visits all the time.”
“Of course, you will,” Toph said, meaning to sound bitter, but the slight smile on her face said otherwise.
“My wife,” Kanto said, pulling her into his chest. “She’s the most sensitive, loving woman to ever walk the four nations, isn’t she? Just a peach .”
At this point, Toph couldn’t hold back the smile threatening to spread upon her face as she buried it into Kanto’s chest, enjoying the hug he was giving her. Muffled, she said, “Shut up.”
Kanto tilted her chin up, forcing her to turn his face toward him and pressed a short and tender kiss to her lips. “I love you, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Toph said and Katara spotted the faintest blush on her cheeks. “I love you, too, Hotshot.”
The waterbender had never seen Toph so smitten or taken by anyone in all the years she had known her. The two of them complimented each other in a way that Katara almost envied because where she was confrontational, he was passive; where she was brash, he was tranquil. They balanced each other out perfectly and Katara was happy that Toph had found that in someone. It made her happy that Toph was happy and that she was actually in it with this amazing man for the long haul.
But then, he was killed, and Toph’s happiness and spirit went along with him. Katara had been checking in on her daily as her pregnancy progressed after Kanto’s death, and while she continually said she was fine and that she should quit worrying, Katara knew better. And when Zuko returned home with a vacant-looking Toph and some traveling bags on his shoulders, her worries were confirmed to not have been in vain. Wordlessly, she had ushered Toph to a bedroom and told her to make herself comfortable, and she did, and she tried to act normal. Had Katara not known her so well or for so long, she would have been convinced by the brave and stoic face Toph was trying to betray, but again: she knew better. Katara could hear Toph’s sobs down the hall during the nights and in the mornings, but she never asked because she knew what the answer would be.
And when she was delivering her baby, and Toph had been so scared, her worries were once again confirmed. Toph was not okay. She was broken and afraid to live a life as a parent without her husband; living life without him, in general. The way Toph had clutched her hand for dear life as endured excruciating pain to withhold her delivery and begged to not have to give birth, repeating how she could not do it without Kanto, showed Katara how irreparable her pain was. But then she gave birth to her daughter and there was a bit of the old Toph again. Though, there was still notable pain; pain that only those close to the earthbender were allowed to see.
With a shaky sigh at the memory of her friend’s sadness, she twisted the key in its lock and pushed open the door to Toph’s house. As soon as she stepped into the home, she realized something wasn’t right. Lin was wailing in the room at the end of the hall, which Katara assumed was where she had Sokka and Aang set up the nursery for her. The baby’s cries were unrelenting and seemed to have no end in sight. Putting down the food and gift she brought on top of the island in the kitchen, Katara raced down the hallway and into the room, finding a disheveled Toph rocking an uncomfortable Lin in her arms.
“Toph?” Katara called quietly from the door, not daring to enter yet.
The earthbender jumped and let out a shaky breath. There were tearstains on her cheeks, her hair was dry and knotted oddly around her head, and her eyes were wide. The dark circles under her eyes demonstrated the lack of sleep she had gotten during the past few months. “Kat-Sugar Queen, hi. I-You-I didn’t hear you come in.”
Her voice wasn’t as stable as Katara had come to know it to be. It was quivering and tearful. And since when did Toph stammer? Katara’s concern for her friend increased as she stepped further into the room. Lin’s cries still hadn’t stopped, so she spoke up to be heard. “Are you okay?”
“Just peachy,” Toph said with a hiccup, a new flood of tears running down her cheeks. She gave a sniffle, softly bouncing her daughter on her shoulder. “This isn’t actually- It’s not a good time, Katara. Come back later, okay?”
Seeing her usually strong-willed and unmoving friend in such a distressed state made her breath hitch and her own eyes well up with tears. “Let me help you, Toph.”
“I can handle it,” Toph said with a tone of finality, turning her back on Katara.
Despite knowing that she shouldn’t challenge her, the fire lady pushed. “Toph, let me help you.”
“Damn it, Katara,” Toph snapped, making Lin’s wails become impossibly louder. Her chin was trembling when she spoke again. “I said I’ve got it, alright, now go!”
Still yet, Katara didn’t quit. She walked up to Toph, placed her hands on her shoulders, and turned her around to face her. A single sob escaped the mother’s lips as Katara softly cupped her cheeks and wiped off some of her tears with her thumbs. “ Let me help you .”
With one deep and shaky inhale, Toph handed the crying three-month-old to her aunt. Katara propped her on her chest and began to pat her back gently, eliciting a series of burps from the baby. The mother of three herself began to hum a nursery rhyme she remembered her mother singing to her and Sokka when they were children, getting her to calm down almost instantly. The cries soon became little hiccups before she set her down in her crib for a seemingly much-needed nap. Lin was snoring within a few seconds. “She was just gassy,” Katara announced quietly.
Katara turned to Toph, who was leaning against the wall, looking like she was about to collapse at any moment. Pulling her into her side, Katara led her out of the nursery, quietly shut the door behind her, and brought Toph to the living area of the house. There, Toph just broke down, more tears spilling onto Katara as she held her and rubbed her back. The waterbender had never quite seen her friend like this or the way she had been throughout the past year; so emotional or vulnerable.
Though they were muffled, Toph’s sobs grew louder and her shaking, more violent. Tears began to stream down Katara’s own face as she held Toph steadily and ran her fingers through her hair, the way she did with her eldest daughter when she was sad. After what felt like hours, her friend’s breathing finally evened out to a degree and she found herself slowly letting the small form of her body move away and straighten out.
“This, uh, this never happened,” Toph rasped, wiping her nose and cheeks off her sleeve. She scooched away from Katara and looked in the opposite direction.
Katara hastily wiped her own tears, despite having the knowledge that Toph wouldn’t see them, and put a hesitant hand on her shoulder. “Do you feel better?”
“No. No, Katara, I’m not,” she gave a bitter chuckle, no humor in it whatsoever. Katara just sat, watching her unravel as Toph’s voice began to rise when she continued. “And I won’t ever be, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? I won’t ever be okay again. And I don’t think I ever want to be because he’s not here to be okay with me. He doesn’t get to see his daughter grow up or hear her say her first word. He wanted to be a dad. He really wanted it and he- he won’t be able to ever- he’s not…”
Toph deflated, new tears flowing freely down her face. A hand flew to her mouth as she stood up and dragged herself in the direction of the kitchen. She whipped back toward Katara and said tightly, “His daughter won’t ever know him. She won’t get to know what a truly, fucking amazing man her father was. Do you know- Do you know how fucked up that is? That she won’t know him?”
Katara willed herself to stand and join Toph where she stood against her kitchen sink. Through the window above it, she noticed the angry weather outside, the rain and wind implacable, making Katara forget that there was any shred of the sun in the sky earlier. “It is fucked up.”
“She’ll never get to know him,” Toph repeated softly.
“But you’ll talk to her about him,” Katara said carefully. “You’ll be the person to keep him alive and make him a presence in her life, even if he won’t be physically, Toph. We all will. We all have amazing memories of Kanto. We’ll keep his memory alive, Toph, and Lin will know her father better than anyone has.”
“But it won’t be the same,” Toph argued, a small voice that Katara had been hearing more of since Kanto’s death. “I was- I really wanted to raise her with him. And he almost- he almost had me convinced that I would be a great mother; that I was ready for this whole motherhood thing. Boy, was he wrong, huh?”
Toph was quiet, then, the sound of her tears hitting the bottom of the metal sink and the fair patter of rain against the windows was all Katara could hear. She gave a humorous laugh, suddenly, and continued. “I’m such an awful mother, in reality. How am I going to do this? All Lin was left with for a parent is a proper failure who can’t get over herself and her husband’s death enough to actually care for her properly. I can’t even get her to stop crying . It’s always Aang or Sokka who get her to stop if they’re around, but whenever I- she never stops, Katara.”
“Hell,” she gave a scoff and slammed her hand against the counter she was leaning on, making a dent in the sink’s metal. Katara jumped at the sound and she worried for a moment that Lin had woken up, but not a sound came from the nursery to her relief. “ You , the busiest fucking person in the world, had to come around to-to finally be able to fucking calm her down after hours of her shrieking. That’s all kinds of fucked up if you ask me.”
“Motherhood’s not easy, Toph, so do yourself a favor: cut yourself some slack and stop pitying yourself for not being perfect,” Katara said sternly. Toph angled her face slightly to face her, seemingly surprised by her response. Even the waterbender herself was taken aback by her words and tone. Still, she held her ground, knowing that Toph wasn’t one to respond to coddling. If she wasn’t going to be the one to lay down the law, Katara had to do it. “You’re doing the best you can under the most impossible circumstances and you’re doing a damn good job in my eyes, so please don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“Yeah, well, I disagree,” Toph said quietly after a beat. There were pools of tears gathered in her eyes and Katara hated the sight of them. “I don’t think I could be doing worse. I-I can never get her to stop fucking screaming her guts out over every little fucking thing, Katara. Not everyone has a motherhood gene like you do.”
“There’s no ‘motherhood gene’ to have, Toph,” Katara said softly and took the risk of taking Toph’s cold hand in hers. To her surprise, she didn’t recoil. “You’re doing the best you can. Alone , might I add. That’s what motherhood is about: trying to do right by your child. And if you’re worried about what you’re doing wrong and what you’re doing right, you’re already proving to be a good mom. If you weren’t worrying, then… I might agree with you,” Katara said with a soft laugh and was satisfied when Toph cracked a ghost of a smile. “And Lin seems to be doing really well. She’s got some strong lungs.”
The earthbender gave a less bitter scoff. “You’re telling me.”
“You’re doing a great job, Toph,” Katara said finally. She noticed that her friend looked calmer than she had moments ago, so Katara took the opportunity to say, “Kanto would be proud of you.”
“He would have been much better than me at this parenting thing,” Toph said, turning around to lean her backside against the sink. Her tone was less sad and more conversational now. Katara let out a discreet breath that she didn’t know she had been holding at this fact. “You know, he had actually brought home a huge bag full of baby clothes, shoes, toys… just about anything you can imagine.”
“Sounds like he was excited.”
“He was.” This time, she let a small smile grace her face to Katara’s relief. “He had told me that he wanted to be sure we had everything for Baby Beifong’s arrival. And then, I told him something about how I understood being prepared, but not the fact that he seemed to have purchased the whole baby section in the store. So he just grabbed me and gave me one of his disgustingly wet smooches and said that he only wanted the best for his girls.
That was the first time he had said that; about the baby being a girl. Of course, he was right, but we didn’t know that at the time. No one did. So I asked him why he thought the baby would be a girl. He just said it was a gut feeling. I didn’t believe him, but I should have known better. He was always right about things like these.”
“Like what?”
“That mattered. And while it took me a while to realize, I mattered to him. And his daughter did, too, even though he didn’t know her yet.”
Katara let herself smile, squeezing Toph’s hand in hers, which she was amazed to see she was still holding. “Of course you both did. He loved you.”
“I know,” she turned her head to face Katara fully. “And I love him too. I do , I still do, and won’t stop. Ever.”
“It shouldn’t,” Katara agreed. “And don’t ever stop, okay?”
Toph nodded, biting away at her cheek. “I’m just so afraid I’ll forget him, you know? That I’ll just forget what he felt like and what he sounded like… the sound of his laugh, particularly. I don’t want to ever forget that sound.”
“You never forget a voice, Toph.”
“But what if I forget his ?”
Toph’s voice sounded so broken, still raspy from her crying earlier, but she sounded hopeless. She sounded genuinely afraid that she would, at the snap of someone’s fingers, forget her husband’s voice. Katara shook her head and said, “No. You won’t. You would never willingly forget a voice, so why involuntarily? You’ll always have him with you, Toph, I know it.”
She kept quiet, continuing to bite at the skin on her cheek, then she gave a small nod toward the island in her kitchen. “I smell Kuang’s.”
“You’re changing the subject,” Katara almost whined. They were making so much progress and the waterbender was sure this was the most she had talked about Kanto’s death. She was proud of her for it.
“I’m well-aware, Sugar Queen,” Toph said, pushing herself off the counter. “And I’m sure you’re well aware that I don’t usually do feelings, and frankly, I’d rather eat right now because I’m starving. So I suggest you either sit with me and enjoy the food your brought me or beat it.”
Katara sighed, already knowing that she wasn’t going to get any more from Toph today. She was still impressed at how much she did talk about, so she had to be satisfied to some degree, she supposed. With that, she walked over to the island and grabbed hold of the two bags she had brought in. “Kuang’s and something else.”
Toph looked slightly shocked that Katara had let the matter go so quickly, but still strode forward and grabbed the gift bag she was extending. Slowly, she pulled the tissue paper out of the bag and dug her hand in, pulling out an Earth-Kingdom-green onesie. Toph’s fingers surveyed the fabric, a small smile on her face at the gift. Her fingertips grazed the words in the belly of the outfit. “What’s it say?”
Katara giggled. “Momma’s Rockalanche.”
“You’re awful,” Toph said with a grin, letting out a snicker of her own. She put down the outfit and pulled Katara into a hug. Katara had to hunch over a bit to properly embrace Toph. The earthbender was still tiny, having grown only about a foot and a few inches since they had met. “Thank you, Katara.”
She knew that the ‘thank you’ was for more than the gift and the food, so Katara just smiled into her friend’s shoulder and squeezed her frame tighter to let her know that she knew this. “Any time, Toph.”