Chapter Text
Inside his temporal lobe, there is a tiny part of the brain that is partly responsible for his dreams: the hippocampus. It’s hugely important in everyday life, but lately it’s been something of a nuisance to Seoho. He keeps dreaming about Keonhee’s stupid lanky arms, and his stupid lanky frank, and how kind he is and how infectious his laugh is and how nice it would be to hug him -
And this is exactly why the hippocampus needs to go.
Various sorts of psychological - and even physical - trauma can destroy the hippocampus and its functions, in fact it’s one of the first parts of the brain that will deteriorate with the onset of Alzheimers. It atrophies in the presence of post traumatic stress disorder and severe depression. Unfortunately, it is too early to tell if he will be susceptible to Alzheimers (though the right at home genetic testing kit could give him hope - he should write that down for later), and he can’t just will himself to suffer from PTSD.
Severe depression is possible, even likely even given the current status of his education, but it also feels like a fool’s task. For one, the mere presence of Keonhee jolts his body into sending out a mass supply of dopamine and serotonin, two chemicals that are hell bent from making him feel anything but elated.
So removal is the way to go.
It’s a rough procedure to go through, and it would be nigh impossible to find a doctor willing to perform it, but Seoho is certain he could bounce back quickly from whatever he’s put through. He’s young, for starters, and he goes to the gym often enough that he can consider himself marginally athletic. His diet could use some work, but he’s not suffering from any of the common side effects of poor nutrition (weight gain, tooth decay, high blood pressure, among a multitude of others). He could survive what would surely be a several hour long surgery.
While he thinks that he could probably find a black market price for the hippocampus, enough to hopefully pay off his student debt (please, God, please), it seems like a lot of illegal effort to go through. Instead, maybe a university department would offer to take it off him for the sake of science? That’s how he could possibly get approval for surgery, though it would take a while to get through an ethics board of approval.
He has to consider his quality of life afterwards, he can’t forget that. He would probably be safe from seizures as he ages, and one documented case of a hippocampi lobotomy showed that the patient's IQ rose.
But would it be worth forgetting everything? His parents, his friends, his work?
Would it be worth not fully knowing how important Hwanwoong is to him?
Would it be worth not fully knowing how important Geonhak is to him?
Would it be worth all that just so the shadow of Keonhee’s smile in the early morning at the cafe wouldn’t haunt him when he closes his eyes at night?
The process of risk analysis tells him that it probably wouldn't be worth the risk to remove the hippocampus, or any other part of his brain. And it’s not like he can get rid of his heart, since the literal organ hasn’t actually aided in his downfall into infatuation, and there’s also the small matter of literally not being able to live without it .
Can stop his brain from falling further. Can’t stop his heart race from increasing when he sees Keonhee.
He can’t stop seeing Keonhee because that would hinder too many lives around him.
Seoho accepts fate’s condemnation of him, and prepares for future suffering.
He doesn’t really know what else to do but retreat. Retreat from Keonhee, retreat from the usual cafe, retreat from the daily routine that he has grown accustomed to. It’s not an ideal way to live his life, but his brain tells him that there’s nothing else to do. Short of removing the parts of his brain that are currently ruining his life, it’s the only logical action that he can fathom at this point.
Crushes, he’s long since known, are an awful part of existing.
So, he makes his excuses; tells Keonhee he’s too busy to go into the cafe right now, and spends that extra time doing stretches in the morning. Researches ways to get rid of a crush on the internet, but none of it seems to work quickly enough for his needs. He wants to forget now , not in a week or two or three.
Keonhee sends him texts saying that it’s weird that he’s not coming in, and says he misses seeing him every morning. Sends Seoho so many sad face emojis in an effort to guilt trip him into coming into the cafe.
All Seoho can say is that he’ll see him the next time that they all hang out. Pours out excuses on top of excuses, not just to Keonhee but to all of their friends. He spends more time in the library than is strictly necessary. He fakes plans whenever someone asks him to go hang out, go to a party, go get a coffee, go get some dinner. It hurts now, Seoho knows, not just for him but for everyone he cares about.
Once he’s over this pesky crush, once he stops dreaming about Keonhee, he’ll make it up to everyone. He crosses his heart and hopes to die over that every time he looks at himself in the mirror.
He’s lonely, and his heart aches for companionship, but he’ll get over it. That’s what he has to keep telling himself.
But the sad texts never stop. And Seoho isn’t sure when they will.
Dongju
You can’t just run from him you know
Seoho
I assure you that I have no idea what you’re talking about
Dongju
You’re so dumb
Functionally, he knows that there’s a limit to what people can take. Seoho had assumed that he could get more than a couple of weeks into blowing off his friends before someone calls him out on his bullshit - and it is bullshit, and he knows it - to his face.
But he’s not expecting the confrontation to happen in the library, and he’s not expecting it to be Keonhee.
“Talk,” is all Keonhee whisper-yells at him when he takes a seat across from Seoho in a near abandoned part of the library.
All Seoho can even do is stutter his way into conversation, “What...Keonhee…? How did you even find me?”
“Walked around the library until I saw your dumb face,” and the anger is palpable on Keonhee’s tongue, bites at Seoho.
“I told you, I was busy,”
“Bullshit,” Keonhee rolls his eyes, “You’ve been avoiding me. Why?”
“I haven’t been avoiding you,” The lie is so obvious that it almost sticks to the roof of Seoho’s mouth, “I haven’t been seeing anyone. I’ve been busy,”
“Too busy to even text me and ask to prepare your drink before you come to the cafe so you can dash in and out?”
“Uh,”
“So, yes, you’ve been avoiding me,” Keonhee sighs then, suffering and sad, “I just want to know what I did,”
“You...” Seoho swallows but his mouth is dry, “You didn’t do anything,”
“Then why?”
“I’m just going through some stuff, Keonhee,” And it’s as close to the truth that Seoho can manage at the moment.
“Are...are you alright?”
“Fine,” and it’s biting and curt, more so than Seoho wants it to be. Because he’s not fine, he knows he’s not, but he doesn’t want to give Keonhee and excuse to occupy more space in his life than he already does.
“Ignoring your friends isn’t going to help you feel any better, Seoho,” and all Seoho can do in response is shrug; can’t commit to an answer.
“I expect to see you in the cafe tomorrow morning. It’ll do you good,”
Keonhee doesn’t leave, not like Seoho expects. He pulls out his own books, sits in silence while Seoho studies.
It’s a bit like normalcy, a bit like intimacy, Seoho muses.
He starts going back to the cafe the next morning. His drink burns his tongue.
The dreams get worse; more vivid than Seoho could have ever feared.
They have grown larger in nature, showcasing to Seoho the complete hold that Keonhee holds over his every being. His subconscious is crying out for the type of love that only the taller can provide, and Seoho is finding it harder and harder to ignore the ache in his heart.
He dreams of them holding hands. He dreams that Keonhee’s are so much smoother than his, slightly larger. Palm meeting palm, fingers intertwining. He dreams of a thumb rubbing the junction between his own thumb and the back of his hand, trying to massage out stress and anxiety. The soft drag of bitten fingernails on his skin.
He dreams of them hugging. He dreams of the place on Keonhee’s neck where his own nose would naturally reach. He dreams of lips being pressed to the top of his head, to his own pressing against jutting collarbones. Innocent and loving. Dreams of large hands pressing into his back, coaxing him in closer and closer and closer. His own moving from being pressed into a chest to slowly wrapping around a slender back, returning to the overflow of affection he feels.
He dreams of them kissing. Of him having to stand on his tiptoes just ever so slightly so he doesn’t have to strain his neck. Of hands at the small of his back, pressing into him, not quite bruising. Of his hands moving up from chest to collar bones to neck to face. Of his thumbs molding the skin next to lips, controlling the angle, pushing the other into him at his own pace. He dreams of hunger being sated, of a hole in his heart finally being filled.
He dreams of them sleeping together. Nothing more than innocent, not yet. He dreams of the way their bodies will melt together, of the way his partner’s lanky body will contort to allow Seoho’s smaller one to fit in. Dreams of being the little spoon, of allowing someone to hold him. Dreams of being pliant only when asleep. Dreams of handing over control only when he's comfortable and warm under the sheets.
He always wakes up with a longing that is incomprehensible and overwhelming. He grows more and more surprised at the extent of his emotions. Of how much he wants Keonhee. ‘
He thinks about all the dreams he had where Geonhak could love him back. Had the ache been so palpable then? Had his yearning left him this exhausted then?
He researches on his phone, but no one is accepting willing hippocampi donations.
Hwanwoong asks him to grab drinks, and Seoho finds himself accepting. He missed the small devil. And he figures that his friend deserves at least this much from him, after the weeks of ignoring and lying and loneliness. They live together, but Seoho made himself scarce rather than face the angry face of his friend. Hwanwoong has alway had a way of staring right through him, of uncovering all of his secrets without ever being told.
It’s no different now, when they’re sitting next to each other at the bar down the street from their apartment. Hwanwoong’s eyes bore through all of the armour he’s tried to cultivate. His friend has always known everything about him, after all.
“You like him,” Hwanwoong states simply, taking a sip from the fruity cocktail he’s ordered.
Seoho sighs into his beer, “Who?”
“Keonhee,”
“Keonhee?”
“Don’t play dumb,” another sip of his drink, “It’s written all over your face,”
“Is it?” another sigh into his beer, “I guess it is,”
“So, you admit it?”
“What are you trying to do, Woong?”
Hwanwoong looks at him, eyes pleading. His right thumb strokes over the condensation of his glass as if it were a genie lamp. “I just want you to be happy, Seoho. You like him. He makes you happy. When you cut him off you were sad the entire time. Even though you were ignoring me, I could feel it emanating from your bedroom,” A long sip, “You’re not as slick as you think you are,”
Seoho drinks some of his beer, contemplating. “And if I do? What if I do like him?”
“Then swallow your pride or your insecurities or whatever and tell him ,”
Another sigh, “It’s not that simple,”
“It never is, but especially not with you,” Hwanwoong reches, grasping at his wrist. Seoho lets him, “You don’t allow it to be simple. You build it up so much in your mind that you can’t allow yourself to just breathe and be loved. I know you, better than you know you, so I know this is how you are,”
A crinkle forms in Seoho’s brow. One hand grips his beer, the other laying uselessly on the table where Hwanwoong holds it down. “What if he doesn’t like me back?” is said quietly, and Seoho is hopeful that Hwanwoong doesn’t hear it.
Luck, of course, is never on his side, “Don’t worry about that,” the grip on Seoho’s wrist grows tighter, “I happen to know for a fact that you don’t have to worry about that,”
Seoho sips his beer.
Hwanwoong lets go of his wrist, “He’ll wait for you to, you know, figure your shit out. But don’t make him wait for too long. He’s a catch. Someone else will come along,”
Seoho sighs, takes another sip.
“That’s what happened with Geonhak, don’t think I don’t know,”
The problem is, Geonhak didn’t just slip through his fingers like Hwanwoong thinks. The truth of the matter is that - and Seoho knows this, has always known, he thinks - is that he knew that Geonhak would never be his. He was always unattainable, the attraction was never truly there or alive.
Seoho thinks - knows - now, that he was just convenient.
Love has always scared Seoho. There were too many variables that needed to be considered before he could even fathom entering into a relationship. And those variables weren’t even consistent; they’re horribly volatile, and can change by any other number of further variables. There’s so much to think about when it comes to love. It’s not simple, not like movies and books have always told him it is.
Seoho knows that he’s a lot. Knows that he can go into long soliloquies about whatever topic he’s hyper fixated on at that moment in time. He’s often oblivious about when the other person has lost interest, often oblivious to the fact that maybe they weren't even interested in the first place. He can make a connection to anything, even if that connection is flimsy at best, and he knows that people find it annoying. And yet, he can’t stop doing it.
Though he fantasizes about being touched, the truth is he doesn’t like it very much in practice. He likes to know exactly what someone’s intentions are. With trusted friends it’s fine, he knows it’s all platonic. But once you add love and attraction into the mix? Well, it’s not easy to know what the other person is thinking. Are they willing to go at a pace that’s comfortable for him? Or will a simple hug grow into something that Seoho isn’t prepared to walk into just yet?
He knows a lack of physical affection is a major deal breaker for so many people. He doesn’t have to have a life’s worth of experience with love to know that someone wouldn’t stay with him long because of that. And he wants someone to stay. He wants someone to accept him despite all the aspects of his personality that would make someone run for the hills. He doesn’t want to go through heartache over and over and over again.
He looks in the mirror, tries to discern if he’s attractive enough to look past all of his flaws as a potential partner. He knows he’s not ugly, per se, but he doesn’t see himself as anything above average either. Could someone still find something to love in a person as average and flawed as he is? Could someone look at him and see a world of possibilities in a potential relationship?
Not just someone, but Keonhee.
Loving Geonhak was safe because he would never love him back. Seoho could push away any potential suitors by using the internal excuse that he had found his person but was just waiting for them to love him back. It’s not fair on him - Seoho knows this, probably has always known this - and it's not fair to Geonhak either. Without knowing, Seoho had placed his entire future on his friend. That would be too much of a burden for anyone to bear.
Could he push all this aside and take a chance on Keonhee?
He asks Geonhak to hang out, to go grab lunch. Seoho can’t remember the last time the two of them were alone together. He used to crave it, used to want to monopolize all of Geonhak’s time. He realizes now that things have fundamentally changed in their relationship, not through any action on Geonhak’s part but through his own feelings. He feels different, lighter, now that he’s no longer holding on to a faux-infatuation.
Geonhak is the solution to many issues, even the shit-show that Seoho’s love life has become, it’s just the hypothesis has changed.
Geonhak already has a hot chocolate when Seoho arrives. It was one of the similarities that had driven Seoho to believe that they were destined: neither of them like the taste of pure coffee. Now he knows it’s just a coincidence, that a drink order doesn’t determine compatibility. Seoho gives him a wave, they acknowledge each other, and Seoho stands in line to order his food and drink.
Keonhee is a better barista than the stranger behind the counter: friendlier, better looking.
He joins Geonhak at the table, and Seoho finds that it’s easier to be around him now that he’s not under the delusions of attraction. They make easy small talk until their lunch comes, chatting about anything they can think of; conversation about Seoho’s classes, how Dongju is doing, and Geonhak’s current workout regimen come naturally. Seoho waits until Geonhak only has a few bites left on his sandwich to bring up the reason he’s asked his friend out.
“I need some advice,”
“Yeah, of course,” Geonhak swallows quickly, smiles brightly at Seoho, “What’s up?”
“How do you ask someone out?”
Geonhak pauses then, looks inquisitively at Seoho until finally realization dawns in his eyes. His grin grows larger, and he lets out the heartiest laugh he can. Seoho recognizes it as a laugh of excitement rather than mocking, and his heart grows warm.
“Are you finally going to work out your shit with Keonhee?’
Seoho sputters at that, “How...how did you know…?”
And Geonhak just laughs at that that, “Dude, I have eyes ,”
“Okay, uh, well… please help,”
“I’m afraid I’m useless to you,” Geonhak is still chuckling, “I’ve never asked anyone out, like, ever,”
This was not the answer that Seoho was expecting, “But, didn’t you ask Dongju out?”
“Dude, Dongju is the most straightforward person I have ever met. He asked me,”
“Oh,”
“Yeah, well,” Geonhak takes a sip of his hot chocolate, “Just ask him. It’s that simple,”
“Shouldn’t I put some effort in? Do something special?”
“It’s not how you ask, it’s what the date is. Anyways, I don’t think that Keonhee cares about all that,”
“Geonhak,” Seoho swallows, can feel his Adam’s apple rise and lower, “What if says no?”
“Then you go on with your life,” a shrug, “I don’t think he’ll say no though,”
“How? How could you possibly know that,”
“Because I have eyes, dipshit,”
Seoho
Random but
Do you want to go out for dinner
Or something?
Keonhee
Like a date?
Seoho
Yeah
A date
Keonhee
Yeah
Yeah I do want to go out for dinner
The dream starts off nicely enough.
There’s a calm, a serenity, as two individuals lay in each other’s arms. Seoho sighs; he thinks he would enjoy being held and cuddled like this. There are strong arms wrapped around him; a comforting joy that lifts him up. He feels cherished, adored. Keonhee chuckles, the light lit of his voice sending electricity down Seoho’s spine.
This is bliss, he thinks.
He only has time enough to burrow deeper into the narrow crook of Keonhee’s shoulder before reality sets in. The scent of Keonhee’s skin curls it’s way into Seoho’s nose. Dreams, he knows, aren’t supposed to smell so real, or at all. He fidgets as the truth settles into his brain.
“What are you doing?” Keonhee mumbles, “Go back to sleep,”
Seoho shivers, “Sorry, I thought I was dreaming for a second,”
“You’re an idiot,” and the whisper of Keonhee’s voice is ever so calming.
Seoho sighs, buries himself deeper into the warmth his boyfriend brings. Keonhee’s arms hold him tighter, his breathing starts evening out once more.
It’s 6:45 in the morning.
And Seoho closes his eyes, falls asleep once more.