Chapter Text
« I need you to listen to me all the way through before you say anything. Can you do that ? »
I knew that the gentle patter of the rain against the roof would be more than enough to hide the sound of my voice to anyone inside the house, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to raise my voice above a whisper. Yang tried to blink sleep away from his eyes, failing once again and yawning, clearly annoyed that I woke him up in the middle of the night. I couldn’t contain a smile when I realised that he looked exactly as he did as a kid in this moment – being strung along by the rest of our brothers for some kind of elaborate prank when all he wanted was to sleep a little longer. Things didn’t really change, after all.
« I’m going to get married. » I gestured for Yang to wait when I saw he was about to ask why I bothered him for such a trivial thing. « I want a groom, one from a rich family that won’t ask a lot of questions and who will pay a good price for me. Enough to rebuild the workshop. »
He was about to protest – not to mock, surprisingly, but with a worried arch to his brow – but I cut him off.
« I will take mother’s robes and the silks we can’t sell. We will go to the matchmaker and get her to cooperate – if you promise to marry your kids and our nephews through her, she’ll accept. Min will go with me, make sure I behave like a proper bride, and then you’ll take care of the estate once the price is paid. »
I was speaking fast, stringing words together as though I knew it would work, as though my heart wasn’t threatening to escape through my throat. I needed him to trust me, no matter how little I trusted myself. He stared at me in silence as a few drops of rain trickled through the awning and fell between us. I looked down at the miniscule puddle and caught a glimpse of my reflection – soft features and long lashes, delicate even with the discrete shadow of hunger in my cheeks. The warmth of my brother’s hand on my arm snapped me out of my contemplation.
« Ping. I know you’re worried about us and about father, but this is insane. » He said softly, as though he thought this was some kind of sudden, feverish impulse he could extinguish with his reasoning. I felt myself smile. He was right, this was insane. But there was nothing impulsive about it.
« I’m almost done arranging the journey. » I said. « I’ve gathered everything I’ll need, except for you. I need you. No family would accept a bride without her father’s assent, and you’ll be there to speak for him. » He was about to interrupt me, so I raised my open hand to stop him. « I never asked anything of you, Yang. I know you are as dedicated to our family as I am and I know that this is the only solution. If father does not receive this payment in the next few weeks, he’ll have to sell the land. »
Silence returned and seemed to slowly smother the rain, which gently waned and stopped. I watched closely as he averted his eyes – he knew I was right. I could tell that he was trying to find a way to dissuade me, and he seemed to uncover one, however uneasy it made him to bring it up.
« You’ll be found out. Not only will you be punished, but our entire lineage will be disgraced. How could we marry our children and make our house prosper with a dishonour like this weighing on us ? » he asked, taking a calm, measured tone that didn’t entirely hide the tension in his shoulders. I’d thought about this, of course, tossing and turning in my bed during the last few days.
« I will keep up the charade as long as I can. The longer they treat me as theirs and allow me to appear alongside their son, the more they’ll have to gain by keeping up appearance once they find out. I will threaten and cajole until they agree to keep pretending, for fear of being ridiculed. » I took my brother’s hand from my arm and held it between mine. « Trust me. » I said, surprising myself with the tone of this last demand. It sounded more like an order out of my father’s mouth. With a sigh, he sat down on the bench that was right beside the door, hands clasped together on his lap.
« You’re insane. » he said in a whisper. If that was his defense, then I knew I had gotten through to him. « But I do trust you. If we can get the matchmaker to help us, I’ll take you to your wedding as a bride. » I sat down next to him, close enough to allow our shoulders to touch. « But our brothers can’t know about this. » he continued. « You’ll say that you’re leaving with me for an apprenticeship, and when you don’t come back, I’ll tell them you’re working in the city and sending us help from there. » I nodded – this sounded like a reasonable excuse. He glanced towards me and smirked through his resignation. « Who would have known that our bullying would prove prophetic. » he joked.
I chuckled and sighed. « Seems like I couldn’t escape my fate. » I said more to myself than to him. After sitting there for a while, watching as the first rays of the sun pierced through the horizon, tinting the sky with a deep shade of pink, we made our way back to our rooms. There, Min was already getting ready for us to leave, folding my mother’s dresses with a quiet reverence. There was no need for us to talk. Yang and I packed a few things and got dressed. On the way out, I fished a long silver necklace out of the chests and wrapped it around my wrist, hiding it under the long sleeves of my hanfu.
Our way to the city was dotted with polite encounters with neighbours, workers and friends. Even though we affected a jovial behaviour, I could feel a mix of dread and thrill pulling at the corners of my mouth at the same time as my smile. Whenever we were far enough from anyone else, Yang and I would discuss the details of my plan. How to convince the matchmaker, what kind of family to seek out, how to arrange for the journey… Several people in the city owed him money or favors, who could provide transportation and secrecy. By the time we reached the large street where the market took place twice a week, we both knew what we had to do.
I watched Yang nonchalantly walk up to one of the shops and wave to the owner, who stared at him with polite caution. After he disappeared behind the counter, I turned to the threshold I had to cross, took a deep breath, and walked through the gate.
I knew this house very well, having had and heard many conversations in hushed tones within its walls. But no matter how many times I came here, I could never predict where the matchmaker would emerge from – she always managed to startle me. This time, as I entered the courtyard and my gaze wandered along the overgrown garden, I heard her warm voice coming from behind me. « Well, my dear, I wasn’t expecting your visit. » she said, startling me slightly as usual. I turned around and smiled, now used to hiding my surprise when she appeared. « I apologise for this intrusion Miss Feng, but the matters I would like to discuss are rather urgent. ». She chuckled and waved off my concerns. « Do not worry young Hua, you’ll always be welcome in my house. Please, share a cup of tea with me. How are your brothers? I hear their children are in good health. »
As always, the dance demanded that the reason for my visit be addressed last, after the customary pleasantries. Beneath my sleeves, my hands were shifting nervously – I would have liked to cut this ritual short and get to the point, but I knew it wouldn’t work in my favor. I smiled again and nodded, following her into the main bay of the house. The years had diminished her stature but she still had an intimidating presence. Maybe it was the way she could move completely silently, when her guests always made the floorboards of her house creak. Maybe it was her ability to shift from a jovial expression to a piercing look of disappointment in an instant. You could tell she used to be a gorgeous young woman who aged into a glamorous old one – but the deep marks of grief had carved valleys in her flesh, like rivers cut through mountains. One did not need to question where the tears took their source once they heard the eerie silence that filled her house.
I still remembered the round cheeks of her three daughters and the sound of their light footsteps running around the house. Being older than me, they’d been married long before the flood, and the fever that took my mother had taken the head of the Feng family with her. Now, the matchmaker was alone, in this house built to welcome the families she was supposed to birth. But even though her face bore their marks, I had never seen her shed a tear. She was too strong a woman to let anyone see a crack in her shell and today was no different.
My demands were outlandish – insane, as my brother put it – but never once during my lengthy plea did she show any signs of shock or doubt. She simply kept pouring tea into her little cup and drinking it as she listened, nodding from time to time. I expected resistance and was therefore taken aback by her stoic demeanor - I must have gone on for much too long, scrambling to find every scrap of argument I could to fill the air she was purposefully leaving empty. I took the silver necklace out of my sleeve to slide it on the table, as a promise of payment, and she didn’t even glance at it. Only when the last drops of tea fell into her cup, she put a gentle hand on mine and smiled with the kindness of a mother. « Follow me, young Hua. I wish to show you my garden once more. You haven’t been here in so long, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had forgotten its beauty. ».
I didn’t dare refuse or ask why exactly she was ignoring my words. I followed her through the door, my own cup of now cold tea in hand, into her garden. The second yard, which had before been filled with the clear laughter of children, was now a sanctuary to a carefully pruned jungle. Lush green leaves, stems and flowers fought for my attention, colorful and almost glowing with vitality. How she got her garden to survive the flood was a mystery, but I couldn’t deny that it was as gorgeous as ever. She led me to a secluded corner of it, sitting on a bench under a tree. I sat beside her and glanced up – the branches were covered in light green leaves, but more eye-catching were the delicate white flowers, with long petals that dangled towards the ground, like a thousand white tissues hanging from them. Only thin rays of light could pierce through the cover of the wide canopy. They gently rustled in the wind above, dancing as though to greet us.
« They’re beautiful, aren’t they ? » she asked in a gentle voice. « Yes, they are. » I answered, turning to her. « But, Miss Feng, about what I was... »
« Young Hua. Ping. You have spoken enough, with your youthful eagerness. Now it is my turn. » My lips were sealed from then on – her voice had taken a tone I’d never heard, deep and meaningful. « This tree is called a dove tree. It isn’t common around here, I had the seeds brought in many years ago, before my oldest left for her new family. There is an old story about the dove tree – it tells of a young woman who had to leave her family to marry a Western Lord, and who missed them so dearly that she tied a letter to a dove’s foot and sent it to them. The dove flew many miles without rest and landed on a tree in the family’s yard. It expired then and there, and the family found it still clinging to the branches. Since then, the tree and its offspring bear the dove’s image, in its honor. » She was holding her cup with two hands, but I could still see them trembling slightly.
« I miss them dearly every day. And when I visit my late husband and his parents at our shrine, I mourn my daughters’ absence like I would their death. They will never rest alongside me or their father. And one day, the shrine will be abandoned, once no one is left to remember it. » I could have sworn I’d heard a quiet sob, but when she turned to me, I could see no tears in her eyes. « You gave your father, your mother and your ancestor the gift of a son, who could care for them in the afterlife and carry on their memory. Tell me, young Hua, are you ready to forsake them, to tear yourself from them, to forever give up your right to rest next to them ? »
I couldn’t hold her gaze as her question filled the air between us. I looked down into the clear liquid left in my cup. It reminded me of the proverbial calm waters that precede storms. I put it down. My mind had been made up days ago and this did not shake my confidence. It did, however, make the prospect of going through with it much more painful. Finally, I took a deep breath and looked up at her again. She was smiling at me with compassion, patiently waiting for my answer.
« Yes, Miss Feng. I know my brothers will be the sons my father needs, like I could never be. » She put her cup down and took my hands between hers. « My dear, your father never realised how much he needed a son like you. » She glanced to the side and reached up, gently plucking an almost wilted flower from the dove tree. She placed it in my palm and closed my fingers around its soft petals. Its smell was pleasant, crisp and slightly sweet. « I will help you, young Hua. But you must promise me to plant this seed in your new family’s garden, and tend to the tree that will grow from it. To never forget those you left behind. ». My hands fit into hers like my knees fit into the dents my mother’s had made in the wooden floors of my house – just well enough to bring tears to my eyes. I nodded, afraid my voice would crack if I tried to speak.
Her smile widened and she let go of my hands, clapping hers with sudden enthusiasm. « Well, young man, there is much to do to make you into the perfect bride. Even I wouldn’t be able to find a suitor for a woman with eyebrows like these. »