Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Jeongin wheels in his luggage and pushes it haphazardly into the storeroom on the ground floor.

It's August yet this place is so sickly humid, Jeongin is sure he's getting a fever by today night. The infirmary is empty though, the staffs haven't yet arrived which is a blessing, Jeongin has often said (and will continue saying) the dingy infirmary under the dining hall is just an escapeway to hell, the ceilings in the waiting room have moss growing on them, on occasions buckets need to be kept at random places because when monsoon sets in, you bet that place is going to be flooded. It's a miracle that the actual 'patient' rooms are well maintained. Regardless, the infirmary has such an aura to it, Jeongin had mumbled last year in the hazy backdrop of feverish daze, he'd prefer dying in this bed suffocated by the stench of his own sweat than be cooped up in that hellhole for more than a second. Jisung had laughed at his face, patted his head, and got him medicine from his well-hidden (because you can't keep medicine in your room and you have to hand them over to the infirmary for them to monitor your intake and frankly fuck that bullshit) stash of random medicines his mother gave him. He had chewed on it, cried a bit, and was lulled to sleep by Jisung's disgustingly comforting ramblings.

He walks down to the very end of the corridor, room 115 has a paper stuck on its door with three large serialized numbers printed on it, along the first number rests Jeongin's name penned down in pretty non-cursive handwriting (he was proud of it, he has the cleanest, prettiest and neatest handwriting in his grade of hooligans, if possible, teachers have often lamented, they'd give away extra points to him just for the presentation of his paper.), he admires it for a minute because he knows the soon to be filled second blank space would be so horrendous to look at that he'd have to make plans to cover his door with artworks way sooner than they did last year.

He chuckles to himself and starts unpacking the cardboard boxes from last year, god they were heavy, transporting it from the first floor to the ground floor Jeongin had multiple instances where his life flashed before his very eyes. If only he hadn't pretended that he could do it all on his own, the extra staff guy would've helped him out, too bad he has the habit of saying the exact opposite of what he wants. He arranges everything on his desk, shoves some materials between his already well-stacked shelf on the table and calls it a day.

He had picked the right bed again, it felt appropriate to simply repeat last year's layout, Jeongin is inflexible like that, changes have never set well with him and he guesses they never will. While the school does promote the value of flexibility, it's impossible for Jeongin to naturally adapt to things, not that he would be unwilling to budge an inch but more so that it would be so annoying to budge he'd rather stay in place for as long as he can. This weakness of his was soon discovered as early as 9th grade where he had made the big mistake of taking two portfolio subjects, art and digital design, and quite frankly digital design be fucked, he had never quite hated any subject as he did digital design. As soon as any assignments were given out, he'd make sure to complete digital design and be done with it first, he wouldn't have the heart to work on it after skimming through other subjects so, he took it off the list the earliest. Though with this strategy of his, he ended up being one of the best students of the digital design class, diligent, sincere, hard-working, and whatever other compliments his teacher had showered him with which he simply didn't have the guts to refute and spill the truth. In fact, he was appreciated so much, his teacher had openly said to him mom during the PTM that if he decided to take computer science in the future, he'd simply breeze through it, no problem whatsoever. It had taken quite a lot of time to convince his mother that no, he's not some computer genius, in reality, digital design was quite different than computer science and he didn't want to fuck himself by taking a subject he knew he had no interest in.

Ah well, Jeongin closed his eyes. No one to disturb him as of now, his houseparent couldn't care less where Jeongin would stay holed up all day so, he might as well take full benefit of it for the next few days. Jeongin had truly arrived very early. His parents were going on to their respective business trips and Jeongin had suggested that they might as well book him a flight back to the hostel (which they subsequently did) because by the time they'd return, school would be a couple of days away from starting and living in a deserted hostel is no different than living home alone. The hostel would always open a few weeks earlier just in case some pitiful rich kid's parents decided that they had enough of handling their child for the past month and a half and were ready to ship them off (very different from Jeongin's case, Jeongin was neither pitiful nor were his parents those cold-hearted business people, on the contrary, his parents were the best; caring, loving, indulging; He never could understand how children were getting left in the hostels in fifth and sixth grades, Jeongin would have never survived that young in an environment such as this, he always has the utmost respect for these small ones.).

There are three students in total on campus right now including Jeongin and then two sisters in, what he guesses is 6th grade. He doubts there would be many familiar faces showing up anytime soon, people treasured their 10th-grade session break, in fact, the entire school simply glanced pitifully at 11th graders, stuck in the middle of two most important milestones of their life, the only time left to run around like chickens doing their service works, internships, summer courses and just general gathering of brownie points for their university applications. 12th grade would fuck you over in a different way or so they say, where you're too busy trying to meet deadline after deadline, deciding on which ones you could cry over to get an extension for, deciding which ones can simply not be ignored. Growing up really is such a pain.

Jeongin falls asleep hoping he can laze around for the next few days before life kickstarts again.

---

Jeongin takes his time spreading the jam all over his bread, the toast counter remains practically empty which at any other breakfast would be an absolute abnormal thing to see, for the past year Jeongin never remembers seeing it deserted like this, a pitiful sight but not pitiful enough to move him towards using it. He has vowed to never use it, doesn't see the difference in a slice of toasted and plain bread, anyway, the jam spread tastes so good on his plain white bread, he wouldn't dare ruin such a delicacy by running it through the toaster, fuck what Jisung says.

He sits at their designated table, the one they fight to take every morning, sending at least one of the three early to guard their table. Felix often joins them too whichever morning his bus decides to show up way too early to school (which is almost always, Felix complains about it every other morning, what the fuck is up with his bus driver, he asks, if they push the time just fifteen minutes more, make it 6:30 instead of 6:15, would it kill them? Is 6:15 such an auspicious time to pick up groggy children from the bus stop? Half of them miss their bus on a daily basis anyway because who. the. fuck. would. bother. At that point, students would rather sleep in an extra half an hour and then show up in their cars still at time, gosh). He laughs to himself imagining Felix sitting diagonally opposite to him launching into one of his favorite rants.

He was imagining more of these repeated conversations, tearing apart and chewing on the corners of the bread (he hates it, which is why he eats them first.) when he is interrupted, his Hyunjin vanishes mid-sentence of mocking the imaginary Jisung sitting beside him. Another boy takes Hyunjin's place, sitting down all-mannered.

"Seat taken?" He asks, his glass and plate already on the table, his ass already on the chair.

Jeongin shakes his head in reply and questions, "Is there even a point in asking?" both eluding to the fact that the boy should be more than aware of the barren state of the hostel and he should know that his question would've been more appropriately asked before he planted himself in front of him.

The boy in front of him decidedly ignores his statement, "Hello, I'm Seungmin. Room 114. You're Yang Jeongin, right? 11th grade?"

Jeongin lets out an affirmative hum, "New student, huh? why so early?"

"Parents thought I was getting too much, sent me away to hostel as soon as possible." Seungmin says, blowing on his hot omelet hanging barely on his fork. His deadpan face gives away nothing in discerning whether he was joking or was completely serious, don't say rich people are actually like the caricatured stereotype Jeongin has made up in his head for fun, he will really cry for each of these poor souls in this school if that was the case. The boy unaware of Jeongin's internal musings continues on, "Let me confirm, are roommates really up to choice in here?"

Jeongin nods his head swallowing down his bread, "Yup while it's loose in general, it's especially lax for seniors. Last year at least we were assigned roommates, given we could change it at a seconds notice, tell the houseparent who you want to switch with, get your shit and move in the room you want," he licks the jam off of his fingers, "for seniors they don't even bother, write your name yourself on the room you want, have politically fired fights and decide on who gets to join your room within yourselves."

Seungmin sighs, "Wish my previous hostel could learn a thing or two."

Jeongin laughs at his grimacing face, "Why? Had a roommate from hell?"

"Don't ask," Seungmin shakes his head, his hand immediately resting on his forehead as though rubbing away a particularly bad headache, "That little bitch was so hard to live with, I was ready to get a suspension for punching him in the face and getting over with it."

Jeongin grins still, "That bad?"

"The absolute worst." Seungmin launches into his interesting yet deadpan narration of all the horrors his previous roommate put him through, stemming into a full-blown dissection of all the wrongs his previous school had committed against him and all the wrongs he had committed in retaliation. Jeongin finds Seungmin to be first and foremost, an incredible storyteller, where most of his anecdotes leave Jeongin wheezing out loud trying to catch his breath, he also discovers Seungmin to be a formidable character, perhaps finally a competition to Jisung's title, his carefree nature both makes Jeongin relax indefinitely while contradictingly be on his guard.

They continue talking late into the night, Seungmin resting sluggishly on his bed while Jeongin sits with his legs crossed leaning on the wall his bed is pushed against. Jeongin recounts his own experiences with Hyunjin and Jisung, lets him know of other great characters of his grade, they discuss their subject choices, most of which match, Jeongin also tells Seungmin about which teacher in his opinion would be the best for each subject.

They talk so late into the night that by the time Seungmin gets up from his bed to go back to his room, Jeongin has trouble keeping his eyes open which is why he falls asleep still in his upright position as before.

As expected, he wakes up late in the morning the next day, he had very obviously not set up his alarm clock which means that by the time he stretches out his legs and looks at the time, he knows that breakfast is minutes away from closing, no point in going to the dining hall now, he'll have to probably open up his snack stash way sooner than he anticipated. His thoughts however are soon interrupted by his door slamming open startling him so bad he falls right back onto his bed.

Seungmin stands in his doorway, looks him over once, and then goes towards the table. He keeps a couple of wrapped tissues on there which slowly fall open to reveal two plain slices of bread slathered with the classic jam, "I didn't know what to get for you." He says and walks out of the room as quickly as he came.

All Jeongin can do is let out a laugh in disbelief. What a character, he thinks and immediately after freshening up barges into Seungmin's room, breakfast bread in hand. His friends increase by one.

---

Jeongin is in a daze, barely awake from his afternoon nap, basking in the sunlight through his window. He sits leaning on the wall, blanket wrapped around him. He sits there, his smile growing wider by the second, he hears the footsteps from outside his quiet room, the sound of two-wheeler luggage slamming on the ground being dragged chaotically across the floor.

His eyes sting a bit when the door slams open, he can't stop smiling, even more looking at the figure panting at his door.

Dramatically Jisung lets go of his luggage at the door, his eyes shining as he runs and takes a dive on his bed, "Jeongin!" He screams into Jeongin's stomach, forcing him into a coughing fit in midst of his laughter. He rubs his head into his stomach, arms wrapped around his waist, Jeongin gets both his hands into his hair and gives it a good ruffle, screaming euphorically, the same as his dumb roommate who just won't stop tickling him. Jisung forces him to drag himself down to fall sideways onto the bed whilst he still remains snuggled into him.

Jeongin has tears in his eyes, more so from getting to watch Jisung again than laughing. From his position on his bed, he notices another person steer clear of Jisung's forgotten luggage into their room. He looks at Hyunjin in surprise, his hair longer than before, half tied into a ponytail, as if his face wasn't a sight to look at every passing second, how unfair of him to become even harder to tear his eyes off of. His bangs parted in the middle so when he leans his head to the side they feather his eyes so prettily like now, as he raises his eyebrow at the sight of Jeongin and Jisung before smiling so enchantingly. Unfair.

Hyunjin leaves his luggage in the middle of the room, making his way slowly onto the bed and Jeongin can't take his eyes off. He suddenly jumps on the both of them, his weight more on Jisung than Jeongin, they both let out a huff before Jeongin lets out a stupid laugh as Jisung continues to struggle his elongated wheezing. "Roommate no.3, reporting." Hyunjin says from above them.

Jisung struggles but thrusts out his fist into the air, "Room 115. Occupied! Woo!" he screams at the top of his lungs, and Jeongin and Hyunjin join him in his dumb cheers.

Ah. He's back home. 

.

Seungmin enters his room not long after, introductions take place and the four continue to lounge on Jeongin's bed.

They leave for the evening snacks together, Hyunjin and Jisung scuffle in front of them as Seungmin and Jeongin walk languidly behind them, watching the two of them go at it.

Seungmin lets out a small laugh, "So they are your Jisung and Hyunjin, hmm?"

Jeongin grins in reply, running his hand through his hair, "They are my Jisung and Hyunjin."

"What are you two whispering about back there?" Jisung yells from ahead, Hyunjin's head locked between his right arm from where he struggles to escape.

"Han Jisung, Jeongin's advising me to stay away from you!" Seungmin brazenly speaks, fastening his steps and moving ahead of Jeongin.

"You–!" Jeongin and Jisung let out the same offended sound, Seungmin and Hyunjin simply laugh.

---

The day before school starts is when most of the 12th graders arrive. Others in the 11th grade went for the other corridor, Jisung says it's because they are intimidated by him. Hyunjin, more sensibly, says that the best rooms already have occupants, the new students probably don't want to merge up with them this soon out. When the seniors arrive it's their corridor they head for, admittedly there's barely any 12th graders in the hostel, a total of six. One of which ends up as Seungmin's roommate.

"Changbin!" Jisung had exclaimed and jumped on the guy the second he saw him, hanging off of his neck while the guy sighed and smiled indulgingly, ruffling Jisung's hair. "You're rooming with Seungmin? You know him?"

Changbin nods in reply, pointing towards Seungmin he explains, "We talked quite a bit over summer on insta, he wanted to sort some things out about the school."

Ah. Social media connections. Jeongin never opened an official Instagram account, he felt it'd be too much of a hassle to post and whatnot, so he just lurked on his artist stalking account that only Jisung and Hyunjin knew about. He knows most of the grade use it for messaging but he really couldn't be bothered. He sucks at online interactions anyway, so, he'd rather not even look in its direction.

Changbin continues on, eyeing the other two entering room 112 beside Seungmin and his room, "It's entirely insufferable to live with those two for another year."

One of the seniors smiles sheepishly while the pretty one throws his head back and laughs, "Yeah, yeah," he says gently, "Make more excuses, you're only moving because you couldn't help falling for me."

Jeongin stares in surprise at the easy-going senior, he seems pretty, Hyunjin-level pretty, so probably the 12th-grade idol, Lee Minho. Makes sense, speaking about things like these would be his second nature, popular pretty guys scare Jeongin. Changbin fake gags, rolls his eyes and moves into his room.

"Jisung," the other senior says, "Joining the music club again?"

"You bet!" Jisung laughs from beside him.

The senior smiles in return, throwing a thumbs up and drags Minho by his collar into their room. Ah, the music club president, Bang Chan, if Jeongin remembers correctly from Jisung's numerous cries about his perfect club members. The corridor was going to be quite the lively one, it seems.

---

"Fuck!" Seungmin yells right into his ears.

Jeongin is still surprised by Seungmin's random outbursts, even living with Jisung couldn't have prepared him for Seungmin's whiplashing behaviors, he rubs his ears gently, "Yell any louder and miss will return to take you to the guidance counselor."

"I'd rather be all depressed in the guidance counselor's office than attend another fucking class. What is up with this school? It's the second week and they are giving assignments like free candy yet they are adamant on getting everyone to participate in the house competitions at the same time." Seungmin clicks his tongue, "Just say you want us all to die off, damn."

"Why did you come to this bitchass school then?" Jeongin asks stuffing his chemistry notebook and pencil box back into his bag, bringing up his bottle to take a sip.

"Fucking hell, there's better chances of going to an international uni if I study here, why else," Seungmin slaps his own head, "The further away the best, I want to get out of my parent's reach as soon as possible."

Jeongin raises his eyebrow, Seungmin always talks about his parents like that and Jeongin has no way of figuring out whether there's seriously something wrong there or Seungmin is just as overdramatic as he is, he holds back any question though, until he deems himself close enough to question Seungmin like that he would not intentionally rub a sore spot. He suggests, peacefully, "For the house competition, just say no if it's too much. The assignments we can figure out within ourselves."

"Bet. Study hour we get done with this bullshit." Seungmin stands alongside him and they go out the chemistry class as the juniors start trickling in, so sincere and cute, to be here before time, Seungmin sighs heavily, "I don't have anything going on for my university application. The least I could do is take part in school competitions like these. Lose something to gain something I suppose."

Jeongin snickers at that, "You're too ruffled. What happens, happens. Do whatever the fuck you want to do."

Seungmin suddenly turns around and grabs his shoulder, "I'll take your advice then. I'm skipping English, tell miss I went to the infirmary after I practically fainted in the hallways, scare her good."

"Wait what?!" Jeongin exclaims, "Why?"

Seungmin laughs as he runs towards the fire escape stairs, "Gotta do whatever the fuck I want to do."

Young man, Jeongin thinks, your actions don't match your previous resolve, and he laughs at the retreating back of his friend, turning down the corridor to climb the stairs up to his English class, he thinks, what a refreshing attitude.

.

Jisung meets him halfway on the main stairway to the dining hall during lunch, he jogs up to them waving goodbye to the others that came along.

"Hyunjin?" Jeongin asks him.

Jisung gives him a nasty stare before replying, "History class got dismissed way earlier, must be in the dining hall eating with the juniors like the loser he is." Jeongin reaches out to smack him which he skillfully avoids. Jisung asks him instead, "Seungmin?"

Jeongin laughs a little and shrugs, "God knows, said he was skipping English and then never came back."

"…Exemplary behavior." Jisung mutters before exclaiming, "Oh yeah! Miss was shading all you bunch that didn't retake art this year."

Jeongin quietens at that. It's not like he didn't want to take art, in fact, he had initially chosen art as one of his standard level subjects, something he could look forward to but it absolutely sucks that his parents didn't agree with putting in as much effort as he did in the past two years into a subject he wasn't looking at, all that seriously. He might've. Looked at art seriously when he was in 7th or 8th grade but it fizzled out. In this school, with such talented classmates, even if he could get scores higher than average by going all in, he feels that in long term it wouldn't have worked out, either way, he can't make up for his gradual loss of passion.

But he really did want to continue, even as a school subject, he hoped he could still maintain consistent practice maybe get slightly better at these things. Unfortunately, after numerous jabs with his parents and then a full-fledged argument, he decided to say fuck it and just switched art to chemistry to keep his 'future paths' open to the science field with his higher-level math and physics, which in all actuality is what he will have to pick up in the future. He had childishly argued to himself, if he just did what his parents wanted him to do, if he studied what they told him to if he became what they want him to become, then maybe he could use this as leeway for when he comes out to his parents. Look, he'd say, I did what you wanted, I studied the things I didn't want to study because you told me to, so, in return, let me have this one thing, alright? Make peace with it. I let you decide my future, let me decide who I get to love.

If things could only be so simple. If he could only do whatever the fuck he wanted to do.

He shakes his head and simply follows Jisung, shimmering in slight jealousy, as he recounts what all they've been doing in the art class, almost as if enticing Jeongin to join back, if he'd tell him why he actually didn't take art he felt like Jisung would either personally beat his parents up or beat himself up for talking about all of this, so he keeps his mouth shut and lets him ramble off, his gleeful voice warming Jeongin's heart, he can always make do with Jisung's tales.

.

At the dining hall, they go to their designated table, Hyunjin and Seungmin already having occupied the seats, their plates almost wiped clean. Felix waddles in a second later, grabbing random things off the counters and settling down to the Jisung's right. The five of them chatter away, Jeongin questioning where Seungmin disappeared to, Seungmin saying 'it's a secret' in the worst attempt at a seductive voice, Hyunjin and Jisung having spoon fights while Felix narrates it once in a while. About five minutes, the 12th graders saunter in too, high and mighty, the senior-most people of the school clearly giving off that superiority air, though all of that falls through when they spot the boarding seniors. They come to sit at their table too, Minho beside Jeongin, Chan beside Minho, and Changbin beside Felix.

"Not gonna sit with your classmates?" Seungmin questions them.

"And miss the chance to interact with our cute juniors, no way." Minho smiles and pinches Jeongin's cheeks, immediately flustering him which makes Minho let out a pretty laugh.

"Y'all annoy us every breakfast and dinner anyway." Jisung chimes in, fork waving all over the place, the small piece of chicken flying over into Hyunjin's plate, who proceeds to stab and eat it with his own fork at lightning speed, "What the fuck?!" Jisung yells out at him, starting another round of bickering to get Hyunjin to go over and grab him another fired chicken piece which Hyunjin sticks his tongue at.

"So cute." Minho laughs beside him, starting to eat his own food.

Felix interrupts at one point, "I'll be joining hostel next week." After hearing which the 11th graders all end up screaming in joy. It causes quite a few teachers to turn their heads at the ruckus, looking seconds away from coming over and reprimanding them then and there. Jeongin quickly feels embarrassed, hushing the guys around him he shoots a quick glare at the worst offender. His dear roommate raises one hand to tug at his ears in apology, the second on his lips signaling he'll be quiet. Jeongin hides his smile by chucking a spoonful of rice into his mouth.

Seriously?" Jisung asks.

"Seriously." Felix replies, "Mum said I'd concentrate better on my studies in the hostel environment."

"Fuck yes, you will." Jisung exclaims before high-fiving Felix.

"So, I was wondering," Felix asks twirling his spoon in his hand, "Any room free?"

"My room." Seungmin raises his hand and calls out, "Changbin," which causes the guy to turn towards him. Seungmin gestures to Felix, "Is it fine if Felix rooms with us?"

Changbin turns towards his right to get a look at Felix, who at the same moment turns to look at Changbin. Jeongin sees surprise flutter past Changbin's expression before he immediately turns his head back to look at his plate, it doesn't go unnoticed by a few others, specifically Minho who laughs lightly at his friend. Changbin takes a second before replying, "Fine with me."

"Thank you!" Felix yells happily, the others celebrate too and the lunch passes as quite the lively event.

---

Hyunjin comes in last into Seungmin and Jeongin's English class where everyone has chosen to show up on Tuesdays and Thursdays during the short break.

"Jeongin," He calls out, waving a packet of chips in his face before taking it away, "Want it?" He asks.

"Giving it away?" Jisung questions, "Why not ask us too?"

"Shut the fuck up," Hyunjin says as his arms come around Jeongin's neck all relaxed, "I'm talking to my favorite roommate." He leans down right to Jeongin's face, "So, want it?"

Jeongin nods his head, reaching out to grab the chips out of Hyunjin's hand, squeezing the air-filled bag once. Twice. He can't help the smile on his face as whispers quietly, "Thank you. Made my day."

Hyunjin, unfortunately for Jeongin, hears him crystal clear, his eyes widening in surprise, "You…," He starts, freezing Jeongin in place, hands tightening his hold on the bag of chips. Hyunjin though simply grabs his cheeks and pulls them gently, laughing a quiet laugh as Jeongin stares dumbfounded at him, blood rushing to his face which, thank god, probably won't be all that suspicious with his cheeks being pulled at like this. Hyunjin continues on, a wide smile on his face, "If this is all it takes, you wait, I'll get you something from the tuck shop every day."

Jeongin starts to protest in all his garbled words, "You don't have to–"

Hyunjin simply hushes him, cradling his head entirely into his hands from where he stands behind him, slowly swaying along with him, "Anything for my favorite roommate."

Jeongin's feet lift off to his tippy-toes as he bites his lips from breaking into the most embarrassing smile, hearing those words, his heart beats so loud in his ears. Jisung bellows from the other side, his chair scraping on the floor as he comes to mock fight Hyunjin off of Jeongin and Hyunjin simply chooses to cling even tighter to Jeongin, both his arms tightening around him and Jeongin rests his hands gently over one of his arms closest to his neck, so warm, his entire being feels so warm.

When Jisung jostles Jeongin alongside Hyunjin, Jeongin lets out such a pretty laugh, all his friends are left a little dazed.

---

New session. New fucking rules.

Jeongin can't believe it as they are all made to sit in grade-wise lines in the foyer. The study hour is still quite shit, he doesn't see the meaning in wasting all this time he could've used to mentally prepare himself for getting into the studying mood in midst of all his chaotic classmates and juniors.

The teachers pander on and on about the importance of academic results, how none of them harbor that kind of rigor that should be reflected (especially the seniors she said, the audacity. Let them study in their own rooms then, let them fail, how is this aggravating speech supposed to help, huh?), Seungmin looks like he's barely holding himself back from standing up this instant and going on his merry way back to the hostel.

Finally, after a round of politely worded insults thrown at all of them with the same amount of sophistication as telling someone to go fuck themselves, the teacher arrives at the reason for the meeting. A buddy system (Hyunjin chokes behind him, hands coming to clutch Jeongin's t-shirt as he quietly mumbles what the fuck into his back. Seungmin looks halfway to hell. Jisung turns around to show his face full of disgust. Felix continues his nap. The school's naming sense never does change, do they realize there are children from grades 9-12 here too? A buddy system from fucking elementary school?), which in all actuality seems very good when explained, the name though…, putting that aside, Jeongin feels like for the first time in his life that the school is actually doing something marginally benefiting for its boarders. About time.

They allocated more rooms than usual for this new kind of study hour, before today it was simply one grade stuffed into one room, if there's more people in some upper-grade shift then into the lower grade room but now a large number of rooms were open. Half of the 11th grade were divided with juniors while the other half with seniors, Hyunjin and Seungmin were the only two out of their group that had to remain on the second floor with the juniors, the other three had seniors as their buddies. Whining and cursing their luck, they made their way to the 10th-grade class while Jeongin, Jisung, and Felix went upstairs.

Those three were also split into different rooms, fucking hell, the school actually put a whole lot of thought into this, Jeongin thinks before calculating that maybe things could go wrong, Seungmin and him usually breezed through the homework together, if Jeongin did English, Seungmin took up math, alternating like this, they both completed their work efficiently, well, now that system is no longer applicable, Jeongin feels a bit bummed.

But! no issues. Jisung and Felix go down the left corridor while he takes the right one. Studying with seniors might help him quite a lot, the concepts he had been falling behind in gradually can be made up for if a senior teaches him, maybe then he can stop having constant headaches as soon as he enters his math class. All three of them got the longer end of the sticks anyway, divided amongst their favorite seniors. Jisung with Minho, Felix with Changbin, and Jeongin with…

"Jeongin! Here!"

"Chan!" Jeongin laughs slightly, taking his seat in front of the one and only, Bang Chan. He feels like his luck is through the stars, he has objectively the best senior in the grade as his buddy. Chan was the elected head boy last year. Usually, 10th and 12th grade don't bother with the student elections, none of the students from those grades are allowed to participate in student council anyway, since academics in those grades are supposed to be top priority and most of the time, 10th graders don't even know who the head boy or head girl is due to the next to none interactions with the student council. However, that wasn't the case with Bang Chan here, there was no way you could not know who the head boy was, he's what they call the perfect student through and through, the kind of student a mom would take a look at and heave a sigh at how lacking her own child is in comparison. For his school, if Hyunjin and Minho were the pretty popular type, Chan was the friendly model student type, each charming in their own way.

The unnecessary speech at the beginning swallowed up a good deal of the study hour, so, rather than starting anything now, Jeongin and Chan map out a study plan, areas that Jeongin would need help in and concepts that Chan feels like would be a good revision for himself, all clearly noted and written down in Jeongin's mini pink panther planner he bought the last outing from one of his favorite stationery shops. They set specific times for when they do pure revision and then settle on the time required to complete each of their pack of homework, given all of this was very flexible, depending on the kind of content taught in school and the assignments handed out that particular day or week.

All in all, Jeongin thinks as he stretches out after the bell rings accompanying Chan to get the others and then go to dinner, his 11th grade would be quite productive like this.

---

Jeongin stands at the very top of the fire escape, Seungmin is somewhere behind him, droning on and on about how he didn't break the breaker in the chemistry lab on purpose (he so did.) and how miss shouldn't have chewed him out so bad (totally deserved). Jeongin's eyes glance past the school garden to the sports center down on the opposite side. He spots Hyunjin making his way out, clad in his football jersey, Hyunjin spots him immediately after too. Jeongin can see Hyunjin's smile even from here, he raises his hand and Jeongin vaguely makes out that he's holding up an orange juice box, the one he left yesterday on his desk. Since Hyunjin decided to get him a random snack every morning, Jeongin does the same every night before going to bed.

In great exaggeration, Hyunjin blows a kiss towards him that Jeongin laughs and pretends to swat away. In response, Hyunjin dramatically clutches his heart, staggering and falling right onto Jisung who barely has enough time to stabilize him. Jisung too promptly starts beating the shit out of Hyunjin with his bottle, in midst of such a ferocious battle Hyunjin still blows him a kiss, this time with both his hands. Jeongin laughs again but this time opens his hands akin to Hyunjin on the ground as though trying to embrace the heart sent his way, in response to which Hyunjin, once again, pretends to faint. Jisung finally notices Jeongin and Seungmin on the staircase, waving enthusiastically as he shoves Hyunjin away, Jeongin exhales and with a smile, waves back. Jeongin soon throws them a thumbs up, leaning over the railing, mouthing good luck quietly. Jisung and Hyunjin jump up and down while giving him a return thumbs-up, gesturing once in a while for Jeongin to take a step back from the railing which he nods at and complies.

They only start making their way down to the fields when their coach lands a hit at both their heads, which makes Jeongin and Seungmin both laugh. They both disappear down the stairs blocked by the walls and Jeongin rests his head comfortably on his arms, smiling silly because of his two dumbass roommates.

"You like Hyunjin." Seungmin says after a moment or two, from beside him and Jeongin startles so hard his elbow collides with the railing leaving a ringing sound as he hisses in pain. Seungmin immediately reaches out to rub his hand where it hurts, Jeongin barely holds back instinctively slapping his hands away.

"I don't," Jeongin says quietly, "I don't like Hyunjin." Jeongin can't describe how he feels at that moment, the way white noise slowly fills his ears, the sudden change from warm to cold in his heart would be enough to guarantee him a sickness unlike anything else.

Seungmin lets out a small hum in reply, Jeongin would try to psychoanalyze it, is Seungmin agreeing that he's wrong? Does Seungmin think he's lying still? How does Seungmin know?

Seungmin's hands are still on his elbow, pressing into the skin gently, elevating the pain he felt in his bones, Jeongin lets out a quiet sigh, "I," he starts again, pauses once, is he saying it out loud? If he does then he'd have to address his own feelings, he doesn't want to discern them now, not when there are multiple other things for him to focus on than this thing. He watches Seungmin still diligently observing his elbow, hands now simply resting on his arms and oh, he's giving him the choice, if Jeongin utters it now, he could breathe again, normal, if others consider him normal then he'll really be normal. Seungmin suggested it, he had no visible disgust in his tone, he's…he's fine with it, right? Confiding in him, it's for the best? He has always wanted to say it out loud too, like how Minhee from his English class is just shy of screaming about his crush on the head girl into the school intercom, okay, maybe not that much, maybe like how Sohye utters Jisung's name every once in a while, tells him about how Jisung gave her bread during lunch or stopped her to talk about some nonsensical schoolwork instructions, he wants to do things like that too, discuss the simplest of things that bring him joy, is his crush all that different from the others? He takes a deep breath, Seungmin's hand squeezes his arm as though offering him strength, Jeongin couldn't help but laugh at that, "Sorry, I…I do like him, I like Hyunjin."

Jeongin has his head turned towards the ground, but at that moment while uttering these words, he makes sure to look Seungmin in the eye, to see how he would in turn look at him, would it change? if it did…Jeongin really wouldn't know what to do then but his thoughts are interrupted as Seungmin lets out a soft smile and ruffles Jeongin's hair. He turns to lean onto the railing, arms hanging off lethargically with his head turned towards Jeongin still smiling the same smile, "See? I told you I'm never wrong."

Jeongin suddenly feels his breath lighten like a heavy weight was lifted off of his shoulders. This was Seungmin, one of his closest friends and he didn't care, albeit he did care but the kind of care Jeongin didn't think he'd receive, not here. He can't help but smile his widest smile, he leans on the railing too, standing opposite to Seungmin, his back facing the sports center, "Mhm," he agrees placidly, "Seungmin is never wrong, Seungmin is the coolest." With each word he feels more and more like laughing forever and forever, he places his head on Seungmin's shoulder, staring down the crowded corridors.

Seungmin rests his head on top of his, Jeongin knows he's grinning right now too, "Yang Jeongin, you'll have to say those words again, I'll record it on my phone, only then will you be exempted. I know full well how sly this model student is." He ends it by bumping his shoulders a bit so that it hits Jeongin's head.

Jeongin sighs, "Seungmin is never wrong." and immediately presses his head as hard as possible into Seungmin's shoulder.

Seungmin jumps away as fast as he could, letting out a startled shout, "Motherfucker," he reaches over to hit Jeongin immediately, "Shit, what is your brain made out of?" he rolls his shoulder twice.

"Smart students like me are prone to have more brain matter, it's something the likes of you could never relate to." Jeongin replies smugly which makes Seungmin retaliate with even more hits that Jeongin has to guard himself against.

With the sound of their sixth-period bell, Jeongin and Seungmin rush down the corridors, Seungmin still occasionally landing a hit or two, Jeongin feverously returning the favor, they giggle madly all the way, standing outside the already closed doors of their chemistry class. Fucking hell, they were never gonna make it inside.

They can't stop laughing still.

---

Chan and Jeongin exit the building relatively late. Everyone else had left the building but Chan really didn't want to stop explaining the concept halfway through and seeing Jeongin so thoroughly try his best at studying his weaker subjects really warmed Chan's heart. What a sincere kid, he'd often say, ruffling Jeongin's hair and handing him a milk candy. Each and every day Jeongin had to remind him what an old man he sounds like when he says things like that to hide his own embarrassment at being so sincerely praised.

Regardless, Chan says he'll get his 11th-grade practice sheets copied for him and Jeongin is immensely thankful for it.

He stands quietly near the staircase, looking down on the pretty flowers that sway lightly on the trees, falling to the ground so gracefully, he can't help but smile to himself, the moons and the star shine above them and Jeongin just exists, there, near the staircase, with children running by him screaming one thing or the other, scrambling to reach the dining hall at time to skip the line at dinner, he can even hear Jisung's voice, sincere and quietened and confident, talking to Chan about their club activities and Jeongin knows peace.

His trance is broken when someone pats him on the back, Minho smiles his pretty smile as he comes forward from beside him, "The sky's pretty today, isn't it?" He asks, his eyes positively twinkling like the stars in the night sky, Jeongin thinks it's unfair how he's surrounded by guys that look like this but he's weak to his senior's gentle demeanor, Minho's hand rests easily on his back slowly moving upwards and hanging loosely around his shoulder.

Jeongin hums in reply, his eyes almost falling shut, "It is."

"So," Minho drawls on, turning to look at the bright night sky, the power cut made it so much better, the night lights weren't on yet, just an uninterrupted bright lit sky, this far up the stars were clear, "Which one is it?"

Jeongin simply turns to Minho in confusion, tilting his head slightly and Minho matches the action, smiling devilishly, "You know, which of the roommates are you smitten for?"

Jeongin's mind flashes in betrayal for a second, wondering if Seungmin went behind his back to talk about him but he casts it away as soon as it props up, he knows Seungmin and he knows no matter what happens, his secrets are the ones Seungmin will take to his grave. He thinks what to answer, but it's Minho, and he's nice, and Jeongin has kind of gotten over his apprehension, too much, so, he gives it a thought. Moreover, he feels like he wants someone else to know, to make it less of a secret, he wants, he feels good, after so long, so he speaks, humorously, grinning ear to ear, "Take a guess?"

Minho laughs, slight disbelief in his tone, "Wait–Let me think–," He puts his hand on his chin, looking to be in deep introspection, he turns around and whips his head back to look at Jeongin, "Jisung?"

Jeongin shakes his head, "The other one."

"Huh?" Minho sighs sadly, "Not a bad choice by any means but I really wanted to be right, you're my favorite junior after all."

"Yeah, yeah," Jeongin rolls his eyes, asking further curiously, "Am I that obvious?"

Minho hums thoughtfully, "More like you know when you find someone like yourself."

"Wait," Jeongin raises his hand, eyes widening in disbelief, "You–Who?" Before Minho could answer Jeongin laughs out, "Wait! Let me guess!" Minho laughs at him indulgingly, signaling him to go ahead, "Chang–No! Chan! It's Chan, isn't it?"

Minho jumps at him, laughing yet again, "See? You're my absolute favorite?"

"So, what are you planning to do?" Jeongin asks lightly, lingering smiles on their faces, he has watched Chan and Minho for so long, thinking he was reading too much into it, that it was his own heart twisting the people around him but having to know something like this is exciting to him, he wants to know so much more but most importantly he wants to know what Minho's doing, with his heart like this because he has seen them, has seen Minho and Chan with their subtle touches, their lingering stares and their soft voices, he has seen them light up seeing each other (he never knew what it meant before he saw the two of them) and he feels his own heart flutter seeing the two of them, hoping he can have what they have.

"There's not much to do anymore," Minho smiles sheepishly, leaning down and whispering into his ears, "We are, you know, dating already."

Jeongin lets out a gasp of surprise, a laugh following shortly after, so, Minho understands, Minho's happy, Minho got what he wanted and it feels like a part of his heart has returned, a part of his brain (–the one that was the loudest, the one that he was letting get to him) quiets down and he feels peaceful, he feels happy, unlike anything he has felt for a very long time, he feels comfortable, just as he is.

"I should ask you, what are you planning to do?" Minho questions and they sway lightly just like the flowers he had been looking at before, Jeongin moves his head to look at them again, letting Minho envelop him from the back, hand around his neck.

Jeongin knows his answer, his laughs dying down into a softer smile, "Nothing." He answers, watching one of the flowers break off the tree, falling leisurely, his heart is at ease, he knows, this is what he will do, he lets out a long breath, "Absolutely nothing. I will wait," He says as Minho's hand intertwines into his, in understanding, in complete utter acceptance, of what Jeongin says, he's listening to him, "I will wait for it to wither away. Quietly."

"And why," Minho says quietly, watching Jeongin not speak anything anymore, "Would you do that?"

"Because my love for him is like that." Jeongin answers, the same ones he has been running around in his mind for so long, finally voicing them out, "It's unreal, too idealistic, I never wanted anything out of it, I'm happy, standing where I am. I knew, from the very beginning, I knew that I won't do anything."

"Jeongin," Minho starts, his head bumping gently into Jeongin's, and Jeongin brings his other hand to hold the one Minho hangs around his shoulder, "I think, you should love yourself."

Jeongin laughs, a quiet, little one, "I think so too."

"What are you two doing?" A certain someone yells from behind them and they both turn around to look at Jisung, Chan standing behind him, looking at Minho curiously before a sense of understanding washes all over his expression.

Minho sticks out his tongue from beside him, "Go back to your boring private club talks, why don't you? We were having a very top secret chat, now shoo."

"We weren't–" Both Chan and Jisung start, equal opposite spectrum in terms of their tone, Jisung with mock offense while Chan with indulging amusement.

"Let's go Jeongin!" Minho yells out, straightening himself, adjusting his grip on Jeongin's hand and flying down the stairs, the wind whipping past their faces, he yells back even louder, "The last one gets to cleanup the plates."

They can hear exclamations behind them, barely hear them as they laugh too, stepping through the fallen leaves and flowers, a few more encasing them in their descent. Jeongin looks at their hand, held so tightly together, he looks up stares onto the leading figure of Minho.

Jeongin is happy.

---

"Just come with me!", Seungmin hisses in his ears, trying to drag Jeongin out from where he smothered himself on his pillow.

"Don't wanna," he grumbles into his pillow, "It's cold." he wraps his blanket tighter, it's cold, it's cold, it's so cold.

"Jeongin." Seungmin says softly yet sternly his hands clutch around Jeongin's blanket, not pulling, a comfortable weight resting on top of his hands, warm. "Come with me, Jeongin, I wanna show you something, please?"

"But…" Jeongin starts, his excuse dwindling, "It's cold."

Seungmin makes a noise of agreement, "Trust me, that makes it so much better."

"…okay. Yeah, okay." He lets Seungmin drag him out, lets him help him sit up and bring his shoes. Gently Seungmin holds his hands, helps him up on his feet, and pulls him through the corridors, up the stairs. Jeongin stares at the locked rooftop door whilst Seungmin simply flashes him a grin, easily moving forward and unlocking the door with a key, standing beside it bowing towards Jeongin as a way to suggest him to enter first.

Jeongin moves forward but questions, "And where exactly did you get the key from?"

Seungmin tuts, "How shall I continue my business if I reveal all my trade secrets, your highness?"

Jeongin glares back at him but drops the question; Seungmin has ways to get around things, he isn't going to involve himself with that like the model student he is.

Outside it's like he said, cold, there's no other way to describe the biting breeze that makes him cower and shrink a little into himself, he tries his hardest not to let it show to Seungmin but alas, Jeongin is all but a weak boy in winters, "And…? what the hell am I here for?", he hissed with utmost animosity yet Seungmin didn't even flinch, jumping forward to sling himself entirely on Jeongin who lets out a squeaky protest, not all that loud because Seungmin is warm, it helps, he doesn't want him to move away and Seungmin somewhere inside his hivemind is well aware of that.

"Well, well, well," Seungmin drawls out, his palm coming up to cover Jeongin's eyes, nudging him forward while all Jeongin could go was grasp onto his sweater sleeves, they stop a few steps ahead, "Now, look at that!" he exclaims, immediately bringing his hands back to his side and whatever snarky comment Jeongin wanted to chime in with had died in his throat.

Oh. Jeongin's hand impulsively lets go of Seungmin, he takes another step, oh, he thinks, his eyes twinkle the same way the lights do in front of them, they are at the hostel rooftop, atop a mountain, the city lights glare back at them from below, like little stars, like little fireflies, thrumming and bright and warm. Jeongin sucks in a breath, the scenery that stares back at him is not one he could've ever seen back from his house, not one he could've seen from his room, the breeze caresses his cheeks, Jeongin begrudgingly thinks, Seungmin was right.

"Pretty?" Seungmin cheekily asks, hands folded behind his back as he studies Jeongin.

Jeongin laughs, suddenly, freely, pretty, it's so pretty. He reaches out his hand, clasping them over the lights as though he could grab them like the rare fireflies in his backyard, there's nothing in his palms when he stretches them out but a familiar warmth fills its place. Jeongin hums in agreement, words fall far behind to explain what he is feeling. He steps ahead again, this time stepping on the edge, hands clasping onto the metal railing which is cold enough that he almost draws his hand back but the weird warmth doesn't fade away, he drinks in how the moon looks in the sky from here, he looks back at shimmering stars. They both simply stand in silence, Seungmin a warm presence beside him as Jeongin remains awestruck. Oh.

"I hate winters, you know," Jeongin finally says, leaning back his weight entirely off the railing, his hands being the only thing keeping him from falling flat on the ground smashing his head open on the uneven gravel of the rooftop, "I absolutely hate winters but," A pause, "I can't say the same if this is how I spend it."

Seungmin smiles, nuzzling further into his jacket, "Then I'll make sure to bring you up here every day." So laugh like that, always.

Jeongin nods in approval, laughing lightly still, "I'll hold you to that."

It should be odd, how warm Jeongin feels up here on the cold bitter night, he'll maybe thank Seungmin for that.

---

He doesn't cry.

It comes as a surprise to him, he cries at anything and everything imaginable but not on this. They are there on the same metal staircase, yells and laughs ringing in the corridor behind them but their eyes are all centered on the scene beneath them, on the fields. Hyunjin stands there, the sky a pretty blue, clouds littered around with the wind picking up slowly, gently grazing them by, from here Jeongin can even see Hyunjin's hair flutter past his eyes, shorter now, he changed it back to his previous hairstyle once he felt like it was enough, took a pair of scissors and chopped it off in their bathroom, Jeongin and Jisung laughing beside him, helping him even out the cuts on the back of his head.

Hyunjin stands there, ethereal as usual, a smile unlike anything they had ever seen on him and they know the confession went well, the girl, Min, as he'd often hear others call her, bears an equally wide smile, if he'd have the opinion, the prettiest of their grade, makes sense for the grade idols to be together, makes complete sense.

He had known, as he had said, since the very beginning that this would get him nowhere, it stings just a little watching it unfold like this in front of his eyes. He can feel Seungmin glance at him but he doesn't pay attention, not now, Jisung hangs on the railing beside him too, a juice in his hand as he sips it leisurely, an easy grin on his face.

"Fuck," Jisung says, "You think he's gonna stop hanging out with us now?"

Jeongin raises his eyebrow, "He just got a girlfriend, you know."

"But like, you know how it goes, in stories and stuff, relationships get in the way of friendships."

Jeognin rests his head on Jisung's shoulder, his eyes still stuck on Hyunjin, he feels a world away suddenly, words like ash in his mouth when he speaks, "Don't be shy, just say you're jealous."

He knows Jisung makes a disgusted face even as he closes his eyes, "Shooting straight through my heart like this, huh?"

Jeongin lets his hand grab onto Jisung's jacket sleeves, finally looking towards Seungmin who stays unusually quiet just subtly staring at him as though inquiring how he feels and Jeongin doesn't know how to explain, what he feels in this moment, he smiles at him still to show he's fine, he's fine, resting on the ever-constant presence of Jisung, a tangible feeling he holds onto, Jisung's shoulders, Jisung's hands, his rough and dry fingers that run over Jeongin's knuckles every time their hands lock together, his vanilla scent much more stronger from this close, his perfume he stole from his sister because he had never smelled a better smell, Jisung stands beside him, as always.

"Fucking hell, I don't wanna imagine his rants about his relationship."

"We'll live." Jeongin says and Jisung laughs.

Jeongin laughs too, just a touch hollow. His hands tighten around Jisung's, he hopes he doesn't notice.

---

It's a quiet affair the rest of his day, the ones that follow too.

Jeongin can't help but laugh at himself, what a pathetic life. In his cluttered room, he stares at his laptop screen, the cursor blinking rapidly on his blank document, it's long past the submission day for his essay but he can't bring himself to care, it's his favorite subject, he had tried telling himself, it's a topic he's genuinely curious about, he had tried another, he's nearly at the end anyway, maybe a thousand words to add and then he could combine all these random documents and make his essay complete but he can't move his hand, he can't think, everything's useless like that, he's useless like that. It's another day he watches the time pass by, doing absolutely nothing.

He thinks, dying sounds like a plan.

But he doesn't do that, doesn't do much of anything, he shuts his laptop and goes to his bed, he'll try it again tomorrow though he doubts it will be any different, it's been the same yesterday, it's been the same day before yesterday, he can't remember but maybe it's been this way for a long long time now, the days where he could get done with the tasks he set up for himself seem further and further away, buried somewhere in his memories, like he can remember, this idealistic version of himself but he can no longer be like that, somewhere while he was growing up, that part of him chipped off, little by little and now he's like this, pathetic, miserable and useless and now all there's left is a gaping desire to vanish off of the face of the earth, to simply sit there and rot, can't he do that? can't he rest? but he has been, he has been resting for all this while but that's not enough, he needs it, he needs to sleep, he needs to do something, gosh, pathetic, have you even seen a person that couldn't even rest? useless, useless.

He can hear the keyboard keys clicking from near his bed, Jiusng types away his work, a little chaotic but punctual, as usual, on any other day Jeongin sat beside him, laughing and talking and working on their assignments but now he thinks he'd rather just laugh at himself, at his pathetic state had it not been for the fact that he doesn't think he can even manage enough energy to do anything than lie on his bed, staring at his ceiling.

"Going to sleep?" His roommate, Hyunjin asks him, Jeongin can imagine him, sitting on his desk too, prim and proper posture, his ridiculously round glasses perched high up on his nose. Nothing much had changed from that day, they had been, just as they were, the juices or packets of chips appear at his desk every morning but he can't bring himself to do much of anything with them other than throwing them into his cupboard, a matter to deal with another time because everything tastes the same to him, he eats for the sake of eating, he laughs for the sake of laughing, he wonders what he is doing with himself.

Jeongin barely manages a hum in reply, he hopes Hyunjin takes it as evidence of his tiredness than anything else and so he does as he replies with a little laugh of his, hands still busy typing away whatever it is he's working on (they had discussed it the morning, the tasks they wanted to complete today but somehow he can't remember, there's an awful lot Jeongin can't remember these days, it scares him, he's terrified of himself, of what he's becoming, he's scared–), "How tired are you? It feels like you just can't get enough sleep, what about your essay?"

Jeongin grabs blindly at his blanket, bringing it up to cover himself in its warmth, his eyes falling shut even though he wasn't tired just a second ago when he was sitting at his desk, but now laying on his bed, he feels like he could stay like this for the rest of his life, he's so fucking tired, his limbs sink into the bed and eyes flutter shut, "Later." He remembers to reply barely.

Hyunjin hums, almost sounding suspicious and Jeongin finds it understandable, he himself can't put much trust into what he's slurring right now. Hyunjin says as Jeongin drifts off to sleep, "Tomorrow, be done with it, holding on like that isn't gonna help you."

Jeongin laughs in his mind, tell me something I don't know.

---

They were there again, a numbness washing all over Jeongin, up on the emergency exit.

He steps on the bars of the railing, lifting himself off the ground enough that his waist painfully digs into the final beam of the metal railing when he leans down to look on the ground below, the wind blows past his face, his mind blissfully quiet and he closes his eyes.

Someone grips strong and hard on his elbow, he sluggishly opens his drowsy eyes turning around to look at Jisung who looks at him with an unreadable expression. "..Get off," He says as he starts tugging on Jeongin's arms, "Get off of there." And Jeongin follows easily, let's himself be pulled down close to Jisung, "What were you doing?" He asks.

Jeongin's arm remains in Jisung's grasp, he can't bring himself to meet his eyes so, he stares down, stares at his t-shirt and the school logo and the jacket that partially covers it; Jisung's touch burns him, his haze clears away in the heady smell of Jisung's citrus and vanilla scent, "The breeze," Jeongin starts, "…was good like that." It sounds unconvincing to his own ears, what was he doing? the answer scares him a little but he shakes it off, a hand closing over Jisung's in reassurance and he looks into his warm honey eyes, seeing the plain concern blanket him, taking a breath away, he smiles with great difficultly, "I will go grab some puffs before math starts." And he waits for Jisung to reluctantly drop his hold on him, Seungmin choosing just then to appear on the doorway to the emergency exit, a silent question of 'are you okay?' posed towards Jeongin and as Jeongin turns to leave, he nods to him, a reassurance too, probably more convincing than what he gave Jisung.

He bites his lips and takes his leave, his two friends still lingering on the staircase, glancing at him making his way through the crowd. Jisung sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, falling back on the railing where Jeongin was just moments ago, his hands clutching it tightly, his knuckles turning white.

"You," Han Jisung points at him, his face almost blank with hints of…irritation? resignation? the leftover concern winning over all of them, "You know something don't you?", he asks straightforwardly, not giving Seungmin a moment to digest the question before continuing to elaborate his intentions, a sigh on his lips, "It's not that I expect you to spill it to me," he leans further on the staircase railing, fiddling idly with his fingers, his eyes downturned, "I know if he wanted to tell me, he would." He faces Seungmin as he utters his next words, hands dropped to his sides, "Instead, I'm–I know this is not about me–but I'm very fucking jealous, and very…scared, I'm don't know what I'm supposed to do, I want to help him."

Seungmin is baffled by his straightforwardness. He sure can see why Jeongin likes this guy as much as he does, he has come to appreciate the 'no bullshit' attitude of Jisung too. He wants to laugh so hard to his face but biting his lips he decides on his delicate next few sentences, "It's nothing like that. Rather," he pauses for a moment, composes his entire argument, channeling his internal irritation back at him, "Jisung, have you ever considered how he's very keenly aware of you and that's not in a bad way at all, he's aware of your likes and dislikes and, he takes way more calculated steps when he's interacting with you, always looking, always observing, what's less, what's too much," He stops leaning casually on the railing and watches surprise fly past Jisung's face, he stuffs his hand into his pocket, moving a few steps away from Jisung and into the corridors, "It's always you he puts the most effort in, what you think of him, how you act around him, he gives all of it the most importance. You say you are jealous of me?" He turns his head back to meet Jisung's eyes one last time, "Han Jisung, I'll let you know, it's the same for me. It's not much he needs when it comes to you, does he? Don't leave him, Jisung, as much as it pains me to say, out of all of us you're the one he needs the most, so, don't leave him." And Seungmin leaves him behind.

Jisung stares up into the sky, glowing blue, and remembers Jeongin's muted expressions, a sigh bubbling past his lips, "I won't ever."

---

He wonders, what is it that's finally catching up to him.

It's not that he was unaware of his own shortcomings, the more time passes, the more glaringly obvious they become until he feels that there was nothing ever there, he was never anything worthwhile. It's not a pretty revelation to bask in but he can't help but think like that.

The thankless acts that everyone around him have so graciously taken on to help him out; Hyunjin who brings him his favorite food, puts more portion on his plate in the dining hall, sometimes going as far as to feed him when his hands just stop moving anymore. Felix who fills the silence, not letting him cycle through his thoughts, leading them on a different conversation every time. Changbin, the polar opposite, a calm steady presence, just there for him, making him playlists every other week, his voice, mixing in with Chan's and Jisung's, sometimes even Minho and Seungmin, he thinks he heard Hyunjin on there once too. Chan making concept notes for him, pretty highlights and sticky notes and colorful pens and crisp handwriting, a different notebook for almost all his subjects, he invites him pretty often to, to their club room, to work on music with him or simply to just lounge around. Minho and Seungmin almost seem to work as a pair, making an almost routine for him, breaking each task down into manageable pieces that they ensure Jeongin can get through, encourage him to get through; Minho went around last week, asking for extensions on his deadlines on his behalf, charming the teachers and convincing them somehow to agree to him (if Minho was asked, he'd say it was easy, his subject teachers had known Jeongin, had known his work and his sincerity and they agreed almost immediately but he knew that Jeongin doesn't believe him no matter his insistence.)

And there was Jisung. He remembers still, waking up from one of his horrible dreams that had become a common occurrence, he was probably crying, tears still sliding down his cheeks when he opened his eyes and Jisung was there, on the floor near his bed, his hand lying on the bed, as though in conflict whether to reach out to Jeongin or not, another near his head, as though he had been patting him in comfort before he eventually fell asleep himself, on the cold cold floor and now he lies there shivering. Jeongin scoots closer and drapes his blanket over him, his hand reaching out for Jisung's hesitating only for a second before wrapping around them, heavy breaths wreak his body, as though he wants to cry but he can't, he simply presses Jisung's hand to his lips, over and over, he repeats, thank you. He remembers Jisung dropping his sweaters and jackets over him when he's hunched over on his desk not even aware that he's shivering, Jisung's the one that takes over his plate as though knowing exactly when Jeongin can't keep it in his stomach anymore, it's him that hovers and gets him into the showers, it's him that looks at Jeongin and knows.

It comes as no surprise that Jisung's the one that hovers over him right now, near the door to their empty room, they had stayed back from a hostel outing, the corridors equally empty, devoid of the usual chitter-chatter; Jisung stares him down, his eyes reflecting pure concern as he reaches out from Jeongin's hand, "Jeongin," He starts and god, does Jeongin hate himself for making his friend sound like this, "Is," Jisung pauses, takes a breath, "Is something wrong?"

Jeongin feels bile at the back of his throat when he smiles in return, a squeeze of his hand, "Nothing's wrong." He says and moves to his own bed, Jisung stays in the doorway for just a second before going to his bed too.

(Jisung knows, he knows, there's something so wrong and Jeongin won't tell him and he's worried and Jisung's, he's just scared.)

---

He tears off the flowers from the tree, presses the dying dead leaves beneath his shoes.

life goes on.