Chapter Text
It had been a little over a year, and the two friends were in the middle of ramping up for graduation and sending in college applications.
While not much in particular had really changed between them- they still skated to school together, punched each other around during lunch, bickered back and forth, always skated together, still called each other at ungodly hours of the night just to chat- something very apparent had changed.
It was such a small thing, if you were to look at it from only the surface level, “Oh, Cherry and Joe have a new skating partner, good for them!” but when you dug a little deeper, actually searched for something more than just a glimpse, it was getting clear that it wasn’t just this ‘new friend’ in their life, “Their friends with Adam ! Adam, the crazy-ultra-mega skilled skater!! And they’re super close too! And didn’t you hear? They’re starting this whole underground skating club, I think!” but even then, most people wouldn’t get the whole picture of what had changed, because most people weren’t Kaoru and Kojiro. Most people didn’t and would never have the same window into their lives like Kojiro had for Kaoru and vice versa. Because most people didn’t know like Kojiro did. And this change…?
“Kojiro, Kojiro, are you listening ?” Kaoru hurruphed through the phone and into the earbuds Kojiro was wearing. It was nearly 3 am now, the two boys having been on call with one another for hours and hours, talking about this and that, but mostly it was just the same now, with various flavors.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m listening ~!” Kojiro teased, then pitched his voice up a few octaves. “‘Oh, Kojiro, I’m just so in love love with Adam, he’s such a dream boy~!!’”
Kaoru snorted. “I do not sound like that, dimwit!! I just think he’s…” Kaoru trailed off and Kojiro could just picture the strawberry headed boy twirling a hand in his long hair the way he does when he thinks about cute boys he likes.
That was another thing that had happened, though Kojiro isn’t sure when it had actually happened. Sure, Kaoru had officially come out as gay during the summer of their junior year, but it had always been a thing, in Kojiro’s mind. Kaoru’s coming out had surprised Kojiro, but for all the wrong reasons you’d think, because it had just never crossed Kojiro’s mind that Kaoru could even be straight . Kaoru? The alt-punk skater and computer genius, long gorgeous pink hair and a soft place for lavender mochi? Straight ? No, those things made no clear sense in Kojiro’s head, never had and absolutely never will.
In any case, it had happened. Kaoru’s parents had been less than happy and Kaoru had, on more than on one occasion, confessed to Kojiro that he was pretty sure they were only letting him live in that house out of moral and legal obligation, and that the moment the golden-eyed boy turned 18, they were going to kick him out. Months from where they were now, Kaoru would be regretfully and painfully proven right as he spent his birthday packing a suitcase then trying to act like he didn’t care as he found refuge in Kojiro’s room, like he always had.
But that wouldn’t happen for a little while. Right now, it was 3 am and Kojiro was being forced to listen as his best friend and huge crush rambled on and on and on about their dear friend, Adam.
“You think he’s sexy and hot and also the best?” Kojiro offered flatly, though in his defence he did try making it light-hearted at first, letting a bit of his bitterness ring out at the end.
Kaoru sputtered a bit over the phone and let out a squeaking noise of indignation- it was one of the cutest noises he made, full of bubbly offence and embarrassment, a little shy around the edges but bold at its core- Kojiro wished he could make that noise come out of Kaoru because of him . “Oh come off it, prick!! I mean...Well I suppose you’re not wrong …” Kojiro tried to muffle a bitter scoff, the noise coming out closer to a snort. “Hey!! Don’t you laugh at me!! Can you even blame me?”
Kojiro sighed as Kaoru’s voice quieted at the edge, it was a thing that happened every time the pinkette was about to launch into a long-winded spiel about something. Kojiro had memorized it. His voice would get a little quiet, he would pause for a moment and take a breath, like he was mapping out exactly what he’d say, then he’d start speaking faster and just a touch louder than he normally would, as if he was never more sure about something. He hated it on nights like these.
Kaoru took a small breath. “He’s just so amazing, Kojiro! He’s tall, and strong too, his hair is so fucking blue- I swear I’ve never seen blue like that- and his eyes look like goddamn roses ! And his skating , jesus christ- I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look that fucking pretty while skating. And did you see how much air he got when…”
Kojiro doesn’t know when he started to tune him out, or perhaps when he started falling asleep- maybe it was both- but Kaoru’s words faded away and he was only snapped back into any form of reality when he just barely heard Kaoru hum goodnight, followed with the sound of the phone hanging up.
He stared up at his ceiling for a while that night, earbuds still in and thoughts moving far faster than his body cared to keep up with. Finally, he grumbled and rolled to his side, ripping the buds from his ears and tossing both his phone and buds across his nightstand. Kaoru was just a little enchanted right now- Who didn’t fall a little head-over-heels for someone they’d never actually have a chance with? That’s what Kojiro told himself at least, ignoring the surge of thoughts that exploded in his head, all screaming and shouting that ‘Kaoru is too good for that!! He’s far better than Adam even!! He could get with anyone he wanted and they’d be lucky!! Kaoru has more than just a chance, I bet Adam is dying to ask him out!! Wouldn’t everyone want to date Kaoru if they could?’
It was stupid.
Stupid.
Kojiro thought it was so fucking stupid, being this upset about something so childish.
Why do people get upset over something as dumb as love?
Kojiro made a promise to himself that night that he would never be upset about love ever. Not once would he be upset about it, he refused to let himself be upset about something as finicky as that. He would never be upset about love, not even once.
And the thought comforted him and burned him and made things fill up and twist in his chest, and he let the painful lullaby rock him to sleep.
Da-Ring!! Da-Ring!! Da-Ri-
“Kojiro!”
“Whoa, you sound...Nevermind- I can’t skate tonight though, I thought I told you-”
“I know I know, I don’t care I could not care less about that right now!!”
“Okay okay what’s going on? You sound like a fucking 11 year old on helium!”
“Kojiro!!!”
“Kaoru!!!”
“Adam asked me out on a date!!!”
“He...what?”
“I’m so excited I can’t- and I didn’t think that he actually- Kojiro he asked me out !!”
“...”
“I can’t believe this is happening- god I still feel like I’m dreaming or some shit, but the way he looked at me- aahh!!”
“...”
“And his eyes looked like fucking fire , and he said he’d text me all the details and-”
“H-hey, Kao, I’m so so happy for you but, uh...I uh, I gotta...get back to work now, actually…”
“Oh. Shit, you’re right, my bad!”
“Ye...yeah. I’ll talk to you later then…”
“Wait, Kojiro, are you-”
Ca-click!
Kojiro never listened to the end of that call.
He didn’t want to.
Couldn’t bear to.
And he wasn’t upset.
He wasn’t.
He put on a flawless face, full of the right amount of excitement and joy for his friend. He said all the right things, happy that his friend’s pipe-dream was a reality. He teased all the right ways, still friends with his childhood best mate and unafraid to continue being as such.
His face remained uncracked, even at home.
Even when his little sisters asked if Kaoru would come over and play with them, the day of the first date.
Even when his older sister came to visit and commented that something was off when the two of them were alone.
Even when his father tried to sit him down and tell him that there was no shame in feeling his emotions, that he didn’t have to hide them.
Even when his mother would try and tell him stories of things, of when she had been in ‘a situation just like yours’ and would hug him and ask him to talk to her.
Even when he lay in his bed, alone, listening to too-loud music while pushing himself harder than he ever had cared to in his studies.
Kojiro wasn’t upset.
He wasn’t upset.
Not upset.
Never upset.
It was a normal day at school when it had happened.
Kaoru had been talking about Ainosuke again- Cause Kaoru was apparently close enough with him not only to know his real name , but also to be on a first name basis - about their latest date. They had been getting progressively grander, this time the tall skater boy had taken Kojiro’s best friend on a secluded sunset-seaside picnic.
“-And when I say I fuckin jumped , God I mean it!!! And then and then and then!! See the sun had just about hit the water and it was fucking georgeous, he had his hand on mine and- Kojiro? Where are-”
Kojiro had stood up in the middle of Kaoru’s spiel, not exactly knowing what he was doing. Luckily for him, everything else in him understood what to do. He smiled and waved off his friend. “I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be back!”
He didn’t wait to listen to anything else Kaoru had to say, something twisting and knotting in his gut. It made him so sick, he didn’t know if it was even normal anymore. Surely he must have a stomach bug, or some sort of fever, or maybe he had some disease that was only beginning to surface. Perhaps he’d been poisoned, because surely he must be dying.
He hadn’t lied when he said he was going to the bathroom. But instead of doing anything that’s expected in a bathroom, he had collapsed against the door of the stall. His shoulders shaking, a trembling hand pressed up to his mouth in attempt to deny noise from escaping, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to refuse the tears that sparked in their corners.
All he could think of was Kaoru, Kaoru, Kaoru - and how he was with Adam , with Ainosuke , with someone so far above Kojiro that it made him realize he never had a chance in the first place. Even if all the stars aligned, it didn’t matter. Because he thought of how happy Kaoru was. Thought of how fucking happy the golden-eyed boy was.
Because Kojiro could love Kaoru with all the desire and passion and pureness of every lover that had ever been, and it wouldn’t even matter. Because Kaoru was in love with someone else.
Kojiro wasn’t upset.
He wasn’t upset.
Not upset.
Never upset.
Just heartbroken.
Da-Ring!! Da-Ring!! Da-Ri-
“Aye yo dickhead, get your skateboard stuck in a tree again?”
“That was one time, jackass!! And no...I actually want to ask a favor…”
“A favor? What’s up, Kao? Are you sure you’re feeling alright? You never ask for help!!”
“Oh shut up!! Maybe I'll just never ask for your help ever again, hm?"
"Fine fine!! I'm sorry, what do you need help with?"
"I wanted to ask if...you could help me do something…"
"Uh? Sure what's up?"
"I have a date with Ainosuke tonight, and it's to this really fancy restaurant, and I just- I'm still no good with my hair…"
"..."
"Do you think you could…? Maybe-"
"I'll be over there in 10, make sure it's brushed."
"Thank you so much Kojiro, you have no-"
Ca-click!
Kojiro arrived at the Sakurayashiki household and knocked on the door, waiting only a few moments for the door to swing open. Kojio had been expecting a prettied up Kaoru, but was instead greeted by a tired looking Mrs. Sakurayashiki.
“Oh, Nanjo, I wasn’t expecting you!” She said, a little too sweet to be entirely genuine. “Kaoru has a date tonight, so I don’t think he’ll-”
“I know. I’m here to help him get ready, he asked me to. Now if you don’t mind I think I have a head of hair to style.” Kojiro said flatly, pushing past the woman. The way she had said date made Kojiro want to scream. Something between ‘my son is a disgrace for being in a relationship with a man’ and ‘ Ainosuke is so much better than what you could offer him’.
He made his way through the livingroom, stepping past the screaming child on the ground who sat angrily in front of a broken cup. Another tantrum… was all Kojiro could think as he walked to the weathered door of his best friend’s room, knocking on the peeling paint.
When the door opened, Kojiro could help but feel a bout of deja vu as he was tugged inside without so much as a warning, door slamming closed behind him.
“Hey!! I’m so so glad you made it, you’re a real life-saver!! I mean it, Koji!” Kaoru said the moment he was inside. “I just really want to try and live up to whatever Aino has planned tonight and-” Kojiro stared and it was like another wave of deja vu.
Kaoru was wearing a black button-up this time, though the top button remained unbuttoned, just like when they had gone to prom together. The sleeves remained where they were at his wrists though. He wore a silver vest over it with silver slacks to match, and when he moved the silver shimmered an almost iridescent blue . His face was done simply and cleanly, a shine of lipgloss, black cat’s eye eyeliner, and soft shimmery blue-ish silver eyeshadow, just unsubtle enough that you notice it.
The entire look was a lot more sleek than Kaoru’s prom get-up, a lot less flashy, a lot less “fuck you, society”, a lot less… Kaoru .
He still looked gorgeous, but something about it made Kojiro wonder if Kaoru had picked this out himself, or if Adam had helped him. It screamed something refined and rigid, something that was far more Adam’s style than Kaoru’s.
“-and so I called you…” Kaoru finished explaining, and Kojiro focused back at his friend. “I hope you don’t mind too much, you’re just…” Kaoru looked him in the eye and Kojiro saw something nearly shy in those bold golden eyes. “Really good at… this .” He said, gesturing at his flowing pink hair behind him.
Kojiro nodded, and took an almost hesitant step forward. “Yeah, I think I can do something with that bird’s nest.” He tried to joke, tugging on a strand.
Kaoru gasped and kicked Kojiro. “Asshole!! I don’t know why I trusted you!” He said, though Kojiro could hear the unseen smile in the words. “Just help me look pretty, please?” He turned and sat down, back to Kojiro.
Kojiro sighed and gathered the loose pink locks up behind him, fingers brushing the back of Kaoru’s neck and through the cherry silk. Whatever product Kaoru used in washing his hair really did make it feel as soft as snow looked…
“Alright, anything in particular you want me to do? I could do a braid like the one I did for prom again…” Kojiro buried himself into thinking of the hair style, desperately trying to push the thought of Kaoru away.
Kaoru shook his head slightly. “No, I was maybe thinking something…fancier? I don’t know, I don’t know shit about what constitutes as a ‘fancy’ hairstyle- this is what I got you for!” Kaoru puffed.
Kojiro couldn’t help how stressed and nervous he looked. His shoulders seemed almost locked up and he sounded five bad moments away from a panic attack- and sounded like he was hiding it. If it were completely up to Kojiro, he would have just wanted to leave his hair down and let Kaoru stay home and relax- drink tea and watch bad movies and fall asleep on the couch.
But the way Kaoru had looked at Kojiro, the way he had asked him to help…well a little chest pain was a small price to pay to see Karu this happy, even if none of it was because of Kojiro, even if it would never be because of Kojiro.
The green haired boy nodded and re-gathered the hair again. “I think I got something, but it might be a little more difficult…how much time do you have till you leave?”
“About an hour? I didn’t know how long this hair shit would take,”
Kojiro hummed, pleased with the time. “That should be long enough. Now just sit still- I got an idea.” and Kojiro began gathering up bobby pins and hairties.
“So I hear Moray’s getting married,” Kojiro started after a short moment.
Kaoru made a small noise in response. “No shit? Damn I’m happy for her. She’s been dating Rosie for- what? Two? Two years?”
“Three, actually.” Kojiro corrected, pulling and wrapping Kaoru’s soft hair. “They had their anniversary about a month ago.”
Kaoru snorted. “What kind of fucking nerd are you to have someone else’s anniversary memorized?”
“I don’t have it memorized , I was told by Moray when I asked how long they’d been together.”
“Still a nerd~!”
Kojiro snorted again and made a retort, the two falling back into easy conversation, conversation they hadn’t had in what felt like months. They strayed from the topic of the date or Adam as Kojiro twisted and sculpted Kaoru’s hair into a beautiful bun at the base of his head and a twisting, braided crown at his front. He took time and stuck pretty little blue flower pins in the locks every now and again, making the whole thing look more like a piece of art than just a hairstyle. And maybe the style took a little longer than it normally would have, the conversation and bickering something Kojiro missed and was loath to have end.
“Aand…” Kojiro put the last blue flower into the braided crown. “Done!” He looked down to see Kaoru smiling.
God, their faces were so close…And Kaoru’s eyes were so pretty…
They may have stayed that way a few heartbeats too long to be normal. But neither of them mentioned it if they noticed.
“Well then, let’s see what hell you’ve unleashed on me this time.” Kaoru joked, moving away and walking over to the mirror. “It’s probably…” Kaoru trailed off as his eyes met his reflection.
Kojiro came up behind him, a few steps away, but still maybe a few steps too close for it to just be friendly . “It’s probably, what ?” He smirked.
But Kaoru looked entranced. He repeated what he’d done on prom night, turning his head back and forth to look at it from as many angles as possible. And once again, gold met burgundy in the mirror.
And Kojiro felt his heart flutter.
And then felt it shatter.
Because this Kaoru was not for him.
And Kojiro wasn’t upset.
Kaoru turned around and met Kojiro’s eyes head on. He could see some emotion swimming around in those deep golden eyes, something he couldn’t decipher on his own. Or maybe he could, if he had the time to sit and stare and study them, if he had the time to drink in and memorize what was in Kaoru’s eyes.
But Kojiro did not have that time.
“Kojiro, I think…” Kaoru started, his voice was so much quieter and softer than what was fair for Kojiro’s heart. “I think I’m-”
And there was a loud knock at the front door, loud enough and regal enough, there was no question to who it belonged to.
They stood there, staring at one another for a moment longer.
“...Sounds like your date in shining silk is here…” Kojiro breathed out, and internally cringed at how dismayed it sounded.
Kaoru nodded slightly, then stepped away. “Yeah, uh, I suppose he is.”
They both ventured to the front door, Kaoru opening it wide.
“Kaoru, my sweet!” Adam said as the door opened, and he leaned down and caught Kaoru in a short-lived kiss. The sight of it made Kojiro feel like his insides were rotting away, poisonous and corroding and bitter. Adam seemed to see Kojiro when he pulled away, and something flashed in his bright red eyes. “Ah, Joe is here too, I see?” The words were far too strained to be friendly and it made Kojiro want to vomit.
Kaoru turned to look at Kojiro, and he smiled for a moment before turning back. “Yeah, I called him over to help me get ready! He did my hair- isn’t it just… beautiful ?”
Adam gave a pressed and thin smile to his partner. “Yes, of course, I’m sure it is. Now, So sorry, Joe , but me and my Kaoru have somewhere to be. We bid you a night.” He said, linking his arm with Kaoru’s and all but dragging him away.
Kaoru turned back, a strained smile on his face that turned soft when he met Kojiro’s gaze. He mouthed a word- maybe a sentence- that Kojiro couldn’t decipher before it was gone. He just waved goodbye, keeping his mouth shut, not trusting his words when the acidic emotions within him threatened to bubble over.
And he watched as Adam helped him into the expensive car, and watched as they drove off to their expensive date, with expensive tastes, and things far grander than what Kojiro could ever offer Kaoru. Something Kojiro couldn’t compete with. Something Kaoru deserved.
And Kojiro wasn’t upset.
He wasn't upset.
Never upset…
…
…Except…
Maybe this time he was…
The meal and the atmosphere were stuffy and pricy. It was just like Ainosuke to bring Kaoru here. It was everything Ainosuke was.
And Kaoru tried to listen as his partner talked about the latest grand thing in his life, but all he could think of was Kojiro.
All he could think of was just how at home he’d felt with him. Just how amazed he’d been at the grandness of the art that lay on Kaoru’s own head.
“It’s gorgeous” “It’s stunning” “You did this all for me ?” “I love it” “I adore it” “I adore this” “I adore you”
The words he left unsaid.
“I adore you, Koji…”
The words he mouthed to him before he left his sight.
“-wouldn’t you agree, love?” Ainosuke said, stirring Kaoru out of his thoughts.
And Kaoru stared at Ainosuke. And he thought of everything he was and what he had done and thought and thought and thought. Ainosuke felt like the prettiest gemstone he’d ever come across. And he felt glittery and pretty and untouchable and unparalleled and power.
And Kaoru thought of Kojiro and everything that he was and what he’d done and he thought and thought and thought. Kojiro felt like… home . And he felt like endless laughter and smiles and good food and skating.
“Kaoru?” Adam said, and it sounded like the jiggling and twinkling of two glass cups clinking together.
And Kaoru looked at him. “I can’t do this…”
Adam’s smile faltered. “Whatever do you mean, darling?”
Kaoru’s mind was filled with flashes of perfect perfect too perfect Adam, and then it was all replaced by the warmth of Kojiro, Kojiro in every picture, in every thought, in every emotion. “I don’t love you…”
Adam’s smile completely fell. “What…? Kaoru- what ?”
And Kaoru began to panic at what he’d just told him. “I-I just- Listen you’re great, I think I still care about you-”
“Then why don’t you love me?” Adam said, sounding a mixture of broken, confused, and frustrated.
Kaoru stuttered, and he didn’t meet his gaze. “I-I don’t know…”
Adam gestured around at the restaurant. “Look at what I’ve done for you! I’ve done everything for you- how can you not love me?”
Kaoru looked up and regretted it, Adam’s gaze hurt and angry. He looked away again. “I don’t know! I just- I just know that I don’t.”
“Was it something I did?”
“No!”
“Was it someone else?”
“I don’t…no…”
“...Was it Joe…?”
Kaoru stayed silent.
“Of fucking course …”
“I-It’s not-”
“No- I get it! I give you the world, something he could never give you- I do everything I can, and you want that . Some sort of deranged little quaint desire.”
“Hey, that’s not-”
“No really ! I can see it! The desire to be with someone less that you, the way you look at a cow and think it’s cute- no I absolutely get it -”
“Listen, that’s not fair to-”
“-I mean I asked you out, after all.”
Kaoru stopped. Trying to be softer with the blow was over. His eyes got hard and he stared down his nose at Adam. “Take me home.”
Adam looked like he’d done something wrong- and for a split second Kaoru was almost proud of himself. Adam had never looked like that before, the picture of confidence.
“Wait, Kaoru, I-”
“Take. Me. Home.”
“No, Kaoru, let me-”
“No? No ? Take me home or I will walk, jackass.”
“Kao-”
“And do not call me that. Not anymore.”
“I-”
“ Home . Now .”
“...okay…”
The car ride was silent the whole way. Kaoru opened the car door and let Adam say a small “Sorry” before closing it again.
Kaoru changed out of the stuffy clothes and into an orange sweatshirt he didn’t fully recognize at first. It didn’t take him long to realize it was Kojiro’s. He kept the pretty bun in as long as he could and hated to see it unravel itself.
And he stared up at his ceiling for hours, thinking of what’d just happened.
And the thing was?
He wasn’t even upset.
He felt like he had room to breathe.
Sure, Kojiro probably didn’t feel the same way about him, but it wasn’t a crush . It was more of a…quiet and warm admiration. Definitely not a crush , no that was a little too childish. They were just about to be full adults here, and Kaoru refused to be as childish as to have a crush .
He broke up with Adam and the greatest most amazing part…
Kaoru wasn’t upset.
He wasn’t upset.
Not upset.
Never upset.
Just free…