Chapter Text
Tommy lay awake that night, sleep evading him as easily as the shadows avoided the sun. Tubbo was carefully tucked into his chest, his fingers clutching the front of Tommy’s shirt the way he so often did in the cave. The nights were a sweet relief from the constant Energy drains they went through, leading to cherished nights of sleep and rest. He smiled at that, that even in darkness there had been light and love. All because of Tubbo.
Tommy smiled down fondly at him, reminiscing on all the sweet moments they had shared even as they felt their spirits be shattered day after day. So many tales of their youth and terrible jokes as they tried to cope with the darkness that surrounded them.
Secrets passed between them like fog rolling over a field under a full moon. Hushed whispers passing between them as they relied on each other day in and day out.
He remembered the protective fire that had woken up inside of him after the first time Tubbo was taken. It was a foreign feeling at the time, a burning desire to protect someone he had barely known at the time. Strong enough to burn down a forest in a single blink. A chasm had opened in his chest and it called for vengeance, for blood, for safety .
But it was instinctual now, to protect those wide brown eyes and lively soul that was on top of him. To try his best to hide him away from the horrors that surrounded them.
Idly, Tommy thought of what Phil, Wilbur, and Techno were up to. They had been placed in charge of heading to Cerulea. That much he knew, but how they would get there was a mystery.
There was a lot he had to say to them, so much in fact he was sure that whatever conversation they had would last several months.
When he was in recovery at the Haven, they had been so kind. Wilbur, especially, feeling guilty over what he had said.
But the problem was that Wilbur wasn’t wrong . No matter what Dream,Tubbo, Phil, or anyone told him, he understood why Wilbur said what he did.
Tommy was powerful. He was the gale beating against the trees and the plants that choked the life out of those that wronged him, he was a bolt of lighting and a raging storm. He was fire and light, life and power. Tommy was rage in its purest essence.
He could hurt people with a simple motion, make them afraid of even themselves with just a thought. And that was the problem. He had no counterweight except for himself. The more control he learned, the more dangerous he became.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered to Tubbo, gently moving his hair out of his eyes. “I’m sorry that it’s me you're bonded with.”
Tubbo deserved so much more. He knew that, but he didn’t think Tubbo did. However, he was stuck with Tommy, so Tommy did the best he could to protect him. That was what Tubbo deserved. He had done so much for Tommy; cared for him on bad days, fed him when he was too weak to do it himself.
And, sure, Tommy had done all he could for Tubbo in return, but it wasn't enough, because Tommy had hurt Tubbo. He had taken the very thing that the universe had gifted to Tubbo and used it against him.
It was despicable. How could Tubbo love someone like Tommy? Someone who took and took and took but never gave anything. Tommy, who had never had a family because of everything he was. Tommy, who was a failure of a person.
Tears gathered in his eyes as each thought raged in his head, thankful he had his thoughts closed at the moment. He could feel his Energy gathering inside of him, building and building, getting ready for a fight. When the time came, he knew it would wreak havoc on whoever was unlucky enough to be near him. All because Tommy was too weak to control himself, too weak to keep himself in check.
Quickly and carefully, he pushed Tubbo off of him, tucking him tightly under the covers before crawling out of their little cubby.
He needed some time alone, he had some steam to blow off.
He wandered around the twisting halls of the tree, not sure what he was looking for. Eventually, he wound up by the Heart.
It glowed its usual baby pink, pulsing in a steady beat.
“It really hates those cuffs, you know?” came a voice from behind him.
He whirled around and was greeted with the sight of Debra, the librarian. He calmed his panicking heart when he saw that she was in nightclothes, she wasn’t here to hurt him.
“So I’ve heard,” he muttered, kicking at the ground.
“Why do you keep them on?” she asked softly.
Tommy turned around again, looking up at the heart. There were so many answers to that question. To help him control himself, to protect the people around him. To try and be normal.
Tommy paused at that last one. That was the truth, wasn’t it? He wanted to be normal . It wasn’t even that he thought poorly about any of the others, he was the problem. He was the only one that couldn’t be contained. Supposedly, the cuffs were supposed to completely block off power, but it just dimmed it for him.
They kept him grounded when all he could feel was a kaleidoscope of emotions running through him. Waves of Energy begging to be released.
“Because I deserve it,” he finally settled on.
Because he did. Phil, Wilbur ,and Techno had been happy without him- they had a home . Then Tommy crashed into their lives and, all of a sudden, nothing was like how it used to be. He had caused them grief and anguish, he had uprooted them from everything they had ever known.
And Tubbo. Poor Tubbo was now cosmically bound to protect him. Everyone Tommy had ever met was cursed with him. He was a burden, bringing only discord into their lives.
Tommy wished it could be different, he wished he wasn’t this way. But he was.
“Whoever told you that was wrong. You don’t deserve anything you got,” Debra said, coming up and touching his shoulder.
Tommy just hugged himself.
“How can you say that? You don't even know what I did,” he whispered.
“I’ve seen the way you act around your friends. Especially Tubbo. Anytime anyone so much as looks at him wrong, you stand closer to him, ready to protect him. I can see it in the way you're so afraid of your Energy solely because you don't want to hurt anyone.
“I don't know exactly what happened to you, I've only heard bits and pieces , but it's enough to tell me that despite how much the world has hurt you, you continue to fight. You have the makings of a villain origin story, one I would agree with, and yet, you continue to choose to try and be a hero, a martyr for your cause,” Debra told him, the air around them stilling as if to emphasize her words.
Tommy felt tears pricking at his eyes. Because he could feel the weight of her words settle in his chest. Everything she had said was true. It resonated with the deepest parts of him, reverberating in such a way it could only be the truth. But it felt so wrong.
The others had tried to tell him time and time again. They tried to tell him that he was loved and worthy of every good thing. But he had pushed them all away because he didn’t understand.
But now he did. Or at least he was starting too.
Because what she said was true. More than easily, he could become a villain. He could seek revenge on everyone that had hurt him- the coats, society, all the people that had seen a scrawny child on the streets and decided right then and there that he wasn’t worth anything.
But he didn’t. He chose love again and again. He chose to trust people, to protect them.
Tommy knew that although what Debra told him wouldn’t fix him, wouldn’t fix all his insecurities or alleviate the vitriol he held tightly against his heart, but it was a start. It was a beginning, an olive branch in the middle of a long hard battle, a ray of sun hitting a stormy grey sea.
Overwhelmed with emotions, he fell to his knees and cried. Because although he could feel the beginnings of hope, the beginnings of a future where he didn’t fear the very thing he was made of, he had only taken the first step in that direction. There was still a tangled web of hatred and fear that suffocated him with every breath.
“What did you say to him?”
Tommy whirled around and found a furious looking Tubbo looking down at him.
“Tubbo,” he croaked, holding out his arms.
The brunette quickly made his way over Tommy, wrapping the younger in his arms, murmuring gentle nonsense as he tried to calm him down.
“What did you say to him?!” Tubbo snapped, looking up at the librarian. His tone coated in righteous anger.
Tommy could feel a burning protectiveness through the Energy bond as Tubbo positioned them so he was closer to the librarian, tucking Tommy out of sight from her.
“She didn’t do anything, Tubs,” Tommy said quietly.
Tubbo turned to face him, his eyes scanning Tommy for any trace of a lie.
“She told me… she told me that I’m okay,” Tommy told him, ducking his head.
She told him a lot more than that, Debra had told Tommy that he was a force of good, that he was kind and loving. She had told him that it was a good thing he existed. But even saying the word ‘okay’ felt odd on his tongue, like he was using a word that he wasn’t allowed to use.
“Oh, Toms,” Tubbo said, pulling him closer, tucking Tommy’s head into his chest. “I know there must be a lot in that, and I know it’s hard for you to realize. But I promise it gets easier, it gets better. And I’ll be there every step of the way.”
Tommy felt a fresh wave of tears hit as he cried against Tubbo. Through the bond, Tommy could feel the warmth and love that Tubbo was so desperately trying to send him, he could feel the way that Tubbo felt so strongly for Tommy.
They stayed there for a bit, Debra leaving them for a bit before returning. She pulled them to another room where couches were set up with blankets and a tray of tea and cookies was on the small wooden coffee table.
The two of them claimed the loveseat, curling into each other under the blanket. For a few minutes, the only sounds were of tea cups clinking against the table and cookies being munched on.
“Tommy,” Debra started, “I don’t know where all this self-hatred came from, but know it’s not right. You’re allowed to be like everyone else. Your Energy is as much a part of you as your hair or your eyes.”
Tommy took a breath and put down his tea cup, sitting up straight, separating himself from Tubbo.
“I get that, I do. But I’ve hurt people before. When we escaped the cave, I felt so free. But my freedom came at a cost, and a cost that I didn't pay. I've hurt you before, “Tommy cried, briefly meeting Tubbo’s gaze, before turning back to Debra “the one person I promised to protect, and I failed, I’m so sorry ” Tommy whispered, bowing his head.
“But you didn't want to hurt him. And those coats, they spent months torturing you. It only makes sense that that was your reaction,” Debra argued.
“Most people with Energy, they can hurt people in one way. Sure, they can get creative with their one way, but it's only one. Not me. I can go as far as making them hurt themselves . It’s not right,” Tommy said, tears gathering in his eyes.
“Tommy, you’re allowed to be exactly who you are, no matter what you exist and I’m happy you do. I don't care that you’ve hurt me, we all make mistakes, what I care about is that you’re happy,” Tubbo told him, pulling him closer.
“Tommy, it’s not about what kind of Energy you have, but rather what you do with it. Based on what you told me, you use it to protect. There’s no nobler cause,” Debra said, meeting his eyes.
Tommy didn't know what to say to that, so he grabbed another cookie.
“One day… one day when all this is said and done and you’re happy, you’ll look back at this and cry because you would know you're finally free from yourself,” Tubbo murmured.
After that, they sat in silence. Tubbo continued to send love through the bond and Tommy leanedinto it like a cat against the sun.
It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. Surrounded by a seemingly infinite well of love and warm blankets.
He was vaguely aware of being picked up and carried back to their cubby, of soft hands running through his hair and softer words being whispered through his ears.
–
When he woke up, the spot next to his bed was cold. He wrinkled his nose and wished for warmth, his mind subconsciously latching onto a familiar fiery wrath.
He jumped up, keeping the fire contained inside of him, wondering why he had so easily latched onto it.
Then he noticed his wrists felt lighter, his chest less constrained.
The cuffs, the things that kept him grounded and others safe, they were gone.
He stumbled out of the cubby, apologizing to a tired Sapnap as he shoved him out of the way, flinching when he watched small fires sprout up. Thankfully Sapnap took care of them before they could cause any damage.
He only had the pendant now, and it wasn’t set to anywhere near as tight as it should be without the cuffs. In his panic, he only managed to close it a little bit more before he finally found Tubbo.
“Tubbo!” he called, panting, trying his best not to dip into Tubbo’s Energy, ultimately failing as a few flowering vines bloomed around them.
“Tommy!” he said brightly.
“The cuffs… they’re gone,” Tommy said, resting his hands on his knees.
“I know.”
“You… know?” Tommy asked slowly.
“I took them,” Tubbo said lightly.
“You did what ?!” Tommy said incredulously.
“They hurt you. But for some twisted reason you seem to think they help you. Trust me on this one, they’re not good for you,” Tubbo told him, his dark brown eyes shining with a sad look.
“But… I need them. I’ll hurt you otherwise,” Tommy pleaded.
“You won’t! I wish you would understand that. You won’t hurt me. Trust me on this,” Tubbo asked him solemnly.
Tommy looked at Tubbo. His best friend, his bonded. If there was something he knew about Tubbo, it was that he was stubborn. He sighed, resigning himself to his fate, silently praying that when he inevitably lost control, that Tubbo was nowhere near the blast zone.
“No chance you could give them back?” Tommy asked jokingly, though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.
“Not even a little,” Tubbo chirped.
He understood where Tubbo was coming, he did, he really did. But at the same time they were the only thing keeping everyone around him safe. He hoped that nothing happened. But he also knew how dangerous he was.
“Thought so,” Tommy said, dread pooling in his stomach.