Chapter Text
How do you know when it's time to let go?
When you finally let go of the illusions of what could’ve been between you and him. When you made peace with the idea that. That's when you know it's over.
It's dusty. Unlocking her apartment door Natasha is welcomed by the dust that had been sitting in her apartment for years. Back to where it all first started. This is the first home she bought for herself ever since she started working at Shield. She never thought of selling this place even when she moved to New York to stay in the Avengers' Tower, or went on the run with Steve, the apartment stayed still. The four corners of this place had seen her grow. Seen her get drunk, cry in the middle of the night, groan in pain when comes back after a mission, and it saw her fall in love. She used to bring Steve here. Recalling the first time he ever walked into her space was when they took Shield down. Before driving to New Jersey, they stopped by first to get supplies. When they got more close, she gave Steve one of her spare keys to her home.
Looking back at the memories they had spent in this place together gave her a bittersweet feeling.
Natasha is happy for Steve. His happiness is important to her despite the dreary thought that it is not with her.
It's been almost a week since they've spoken. Natasha wants to get away from them for a bit, as dramatic as that may sound. She spent the majority of her week cleaning and getting settled in. Natasha was also debating with herself about whether she could at least train with them or not. She didn’t want to make things awkward for them again, but she knows that she couldn’t avoid him forever.
Until Sam contacted her and asked if she would be willing to lead a mission. Steve was unexpectedly absent from the operation, leaving only the three of them to carry it through. Natasha didn't bother to ask because she assumed she already knew the answer. She pushed Steve away yet again, telling him to mend everything with Emily, and perhaps Steve was simply avoiding her. She takes it since, after all, that's what she wanted in the first place.
The operation went off without a hitch and was easily accomplished. On their journey back to the facility, Sam piloted the quinjet. When they returned, Natasha thought that it would be ideal if she just showered in the facility so that she could sleep right away when she got home. After her quick and hot shower, Natasha thought that the rest of the team went home already. On her way out, she is compelled by an odd impulse to walk up and see the facility's gym. Natasha was about to enter the gym door when she spotted Steve throwing strong punches at the punching bag.
Steve had enhanced sense and Natasha is certain he heard coming.
“What are you doing here, Nat?” He stopped and popped his head in her direction.
Natasha walked towards him and dropped her bag in the ring. Her hands reached the back of the punching bag, she’s holding it steady for him.
“I thought you are avoiding me,” Steve said, throwing a jab.
“I thought you were doing the same thing as well.” Natasha quipped back. “Isn’t that why you didn’t show up earlier?”
“You handled that mission pretty fine without me.”
Natasha shrugged in response. Steve's attention was on his punches. She had no idea why she was here in the first place. Despite her desire to leave, she had one more question for him.
“How’s the wedding prep?” She asked lowly, making Steve stop and cast a glance at her.
“We broke up.”
“Oh,” She blinked, not sure of how to respond. Natasha knew that she might have something to do with it. Did Emily find out? Or did he confess?
“Did she know?” She asked, her gaze landed on the floor.
“I..confessed, though she had a feeling already.” He breathed.
“None of it would have happened if I was— ”
“No. Don’t put all of this on your shoulder. I was the one to blame too.” Steve pointed out, raising his voice at her. “I knew it wasn’t right from the very start.”
“Then why did you continue it?”
“Because I thought you weren’t coming back!” Steve confessed frustration traced his voice. “I thought I was sure of what I want, Nat. Then you came back I started to question everything.”
“Emily didn’t deserve any of this,” Natasha muttered under her breath.
“Hell, she didn’t! Do you know what’s worst Nat? I realized that Emily wasn’t even an option. She was just there….” He threw another hard punch.
“If you wanted to be angry at me Steve, be angry don’t punish yourself because I was responsible too! We made a mistake and somebody got hurt.”
“But that’s just it Natasha. I can’t be angry with you.”
Steve removed his punching mitts, throwing them on the ground harshly, and made his way to the bench to sit down. He hung his head low looking at the floor and raked his fingers through his hair.
“She even said, I should do I want not what Captain America is expected to do. Familiar huh?”
She pursed her lips. That's her line. Before, Natasha constantly remind Steve of this every time he came to her questioning himself and seeking advice. Steve is stubborn and selfless like Natasha. Regardless of the fact that he had heard Natasha express this to him countless times, he chose to ignore it.
“I’m really sorry, Steve.” She started with an apology, drawing a long breath she continued. “But Emily is right. Do want you really want to do. You’ve saved the world countless times, it turns to save yourself.”
__________________
Natasha woke up in a good mood. Maybe it’s because of the season? It’s spring hence new beginnings. Two weeks had passed since Natasha and Steve both sat in silence after their conversation at the gym. Since then Steve didn’t show up at training, he finally gave himself a break. Natasha understood that but it also left some questions of what they are to each other now.
Today is Saturday, it reminded her that she have to be at Starks’ by lunchtime. Morgan is celebrating her birthday and Pepper demanded that all her Aunt and Uncles should be there. She left her apartment early since the drive to Pepper’s house is a bit far from where she lives.
Lunch was amazing, Pepper did a great job. And a kid’s party wouldn’t be a party if the child didn’t demand to open her gift right before she finished her plate. Morgan was surrounded by Laura’s kids and some of her cousins from Pepper’s side as she opens her gifts. Meanwhile, the adults, head outside.
Natasha helped herself with some cheesecake, she positioned herself comfortably in the bench at the veranda of the house. Her view is the lake and Steve who had been sitting alone at the docks of the lake. As Natasha is about to take a bite into her cake, Sam sat beside her casually.
“Take a picture, it lasts longer.” He teased.
Natasha rolled his eyes at him, “What do you want Wilson?”
“Heard you’d be staying with your sister?”
“Yeah, taking a vacation.” She nodded and smiled.
“To where?”
“To none of your business, but I’ll be back,” Natasha smirked.
“Okay, I’m holding on to that. You always deserve a break.”
Yelena, her sister, invited her to stay with her in Ohio for two months. Yelena had been living her life, making her own choices, and catching up with the world ever since she came back from the blip. Recently, Natasha received a text from Yelena telling her that she’d found their old house and it was for sale. They both agreed to purchase it because that was the only happy memory they had of their childhood, they wanted to keep it because was real to them. All of it.
Natasha didn’t notice that while her mind flew back to her memories, her eyes were mindlessly focused on Steve.
“You can tell him you know,” Sam stated softly.
“I know and I will.”
And she did, Natasha walked up to him quietly. Steve tilted his head up to look at her, and he scooted making space for Natasha to sit down beside him. She took her shoes off, pushed her pants up a bit higher from her ankles, and dipped his toes into the water. It’s surprisingly warm.
“Is it cold?” Steve asked, looking down her feet in the water.
“Surprisingly, it’s warm.” She grinned.
Steve’s forehead furrowed, “Really?”
“Don’t you trust me?” Natasha nudges him causing their shoulders to brush.
“Of course I do.”
A smile formed on Steve’s lips as he removed his shoes and also dipped his feet slowly into the water. Then Natasha playfully fluttered her feet, splashing water to Steve’s direction and he did the same thing as well, soon they are both like children ridiculously playing with the water.
“You’re a child.”
“Says the one who splashed water first.” Steve rebutted.
This feels nice, both of them laughing and talking again just like before all the mess happened. It warmth Natasha’s heart.
“Remember Yelena?”
Steve nodded, “Yes, your sister.”
“She found our house in Ohio. It was for sale and she bought.” Natasha informed him. Steve’s face lights up with the good news.
“I’m so happy for you Nat.” He exclaimed.
“I’ll be staying there with her.”
“Oh,” Steve’s voice became quiet. “When will you be back?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Be careful alright, I’m just a text and call away,” Steve said, trying to force a smile.
“But what I do know is that there might be a hundred universes out there and if I made my choices differently, you're mine. And thinking about it just makes me so happy because there is you and me in another lifetime or universe.” Natasha squeezed his hand, and smile genuinely.
His gaze settled on the still lake, despite the chatters and music created by the celebration happening inside the cabin. The moment between them felt so serene, calm, no bitterness, no grudges.
“We can still be friends.”
“Who said we stopped being friends?” Steve responded.
Natasha laughed, “What I mean is, you never lost me, Steve. I’m always here for you and I know you’d be there for me too.”
“We both need to heal.” Steve looked at her, and Natasha nodded in agreement. “You and I…we’ve caused a lot of damage to each other.”
“Not just us, there are collateral damages,” Natasha added. The sad truth, they pained each other so much, and that caused them to be blind and not see that everyone else we’re also hurt by them.
She rested her head at his shoulder, and that made Steve relax. For a mere moment, none of them spoke, they both savored the peace they felt in each other’s company. If it was up to her, she does not want this moment to end. She could fall asleep on his shoulders for all she care. They could mute the hold world if they wanted to. They can be friends, lovers, partners, teammates, or any label. Natasha is certain, she was always meant to find Steve. There would always be threads pulling them back to each other.
“Auntie Nat, Mom needs you.” Their moment was interrupted by the birthday girl.
Natasha popped her head towards Morgan. “Thank you for informing me, birthday girl. Tell your mom, I’m coming.”
Morgan nodded and runs back to the cabin. Steve stood up first and held his hand out to Natasha, helping her stand up.
“Come here,” Natasha said lowly and she pulled him in an embrace. “You know where to find me, Steve.”
“I know.” Steve placed a soft kiss on her forehead and whispers. “YA vsegda budu lyubit' tebya.”
Natasha’s eyes widen for she understood what Steve said. I will always love you. Since when did he learn how to speak Russian? And a smile twisted on her lips.
Before pushing herself out of their embrace, Natasha whispered back. “ya tozhe”
Of course, she would always love him too. That’s the one thing they could never erase from her.
__________________
OHIO 1 MONTH LATER
Natasha and Yelena settled into their childhood home. The place looks untouched, with a few dust and cobwebs around but nothing big that deep cleaning can’t solve. They’ve spent three years of what they called childhood in this place, the only time when things felt slightly normal in their lives back then. It’s been a month since they both moved in, living together with Yelena had been a roller coaster. They would sometimes fight over silly things like what movie to watch or what music to play.
They have both so much to catch up on.
And each day, they are getting more domestic — well in Natasha’s case she is getting more homey and domestic. She still has missions here and there but she’s accepting them rarely. Natasha is slowly coming to terms with the fact that someday, or soon maybe she has to retire. Maybe get that life they’ve been always talking about. Perhaps it’s time to go outside from their typical scene. Besides Natasha saved a huge amount of money over the years, enough for retirement.
Steve had been getting in touch with her through text and calls every day. Besides updating her about the missions and news, Steve and Natasha would also talk to each other about random stuff about their day-to-day off-duty activities. Yelena would sometimes catch Natasha smiling like an idiot over the phone.
“Who smiles like a crazy person when they receive mission reports?” Yelena teased. She’s having that disgusted expression on her face.
“Who says I’m smiling? Does this look like a smile to you?” Natasha fixed her expression and pointed at her serious-looking face.
“Was that from Mr. America?” Yelena walked over to her, trying to peak at her phone.
Natasha quickly closed her phone, “Yes.”
“Look, I’m curious about my sestra’s dating life.” Yelena grinned.
Natasha rolled her eyes and changed the subject. “What do you want for dinner?”
“Wasn’t he your boyfriend?”
“Pizza?”
“Isn’t he the same age as Alexei?”
“Which flavor do you want? Pepperoni or four cheese?”
“His best friend is also your ex, right? Ohhh…you have a type.”
“Drop it, Yelena.” Natasha scolded her sister.
Yelena shot her an innocent smile, “What? You can tell me anything.”
“Fine,” Natasha held her two hands up. “After dinner. Order the pizza first.”
Yelena smirked at her, picked up her phone, and dialed the Pizza place’s number. They ordered one box, half pepperoni, and half four cheese. They both enjoyed the pizza while watching a movie that Yelena picked, and after tossing the last piece in her mouth as if on cue, Yelena popped the question again. Natasha told her everything from how it started and how it fell apart. And if anyone could understand her reasons why it is Yelena. She suffered the same as Natasha.
Yelena’s mouth dropped, “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“You two were like a legit couple, huh. I thought it was just a rumor.” Yelena said as she walked towards the coffee table and grabbed the remote.
Natasha's brows knitted together in curiosity, “What rumor?”
“Don’t you read gossip papers?” Yelena looked at her as if she had been living under a rock.
“I do read the paper, but for real news, not gossip.” Natasha countered.
“Anyway before when you were avenging and all, that time where you took Shield or Hydra or whatever down, there’s this nasty gossip paper who wrote something about you two. The headlines were Ummm….” Yelena got into her deep thinking face. “Oh right, The Soldier and The Spy: In love or just partners in crime?”
Natasha looked at her intensely and Yelena burst out laughing. Natasha wasn’t sure if Yelena is telling the truth or she is just playing her. As soon as Yelena sat beside her again, still laughing hard, Natasha slapped her arm playfully.
Yelena cleared her throat, “On a more serious note.”
Natasha raised her eyebrow at her sister who is trying to tone down her laughter. Yelena’s gaze is fixed on her, she had that soft and concerned look on her face.
“Talia, you deserve to be happy.”
Talia short for Natalia her real name, Yelena gave her that nickname when they were little.
“I am happy. I am with you.” Natasha assured her little sister.
“I know you are but you also know what I mean.”
Natasha sighed, “It’s not that simple. We’ve hurt each other a lot of times.”
“No shit, Natalia. Love involves pain in the process. It’s part of it. Could you really call that love if you didn’t get hurt?” Yelena began, she scooted closer to Natasha. “Don't you think the both of you deserve a second chance? I mean give fate some credit. You and him managed to find your path back to each other no matter where you go. ”
Natasha didn’t respond. It’s no secret that Natasha wants to be with Steve but the question now is, does Steve wants to start over again? Their relationship right now, Natasha doesn’t even know how to describe it, to begin with. All she knows is that they are in a good place.
“Since when did you become so smart about this?” Natasha asked.
“Ya vsegda umnyy. Picked it up from the movies I’ve watched.”
__________________
2 MONTHS LATER
Natasha has returned to her old routine from her time in London. After Ohio, Natasha's decided that this month would be her last day accepting missions and that she would instead handle office work for the Avengers' remaining members. She made a commitment to herself that she would settle down. Now, is the best time. Prior to her staying with Yelena for about two months, she thought that domestic life wouldn't suit her. Now, she enjoys it more than ever. She can finally take a vacation to wherever she wants, whenever she wants. Sure, she can come in and assist with urgent missions but that's it. Nothing more.
Today marks the day where she would accept her final mission from Fury. She never thought this day would, final file case and one last time of giving the bad guys hell. Natasha never told anyone about her plan just yet except for Yelena and Fury. After her mission, it surprised Natasha that Fury was the one who extracted her and flew out the helicopter. They arrived at the helipad of the building where her car was parked.
“I never thought I’d get to see that day where Agent Romanoff will be officially signing off.” Fury quipped.
“Just say you’ll miss me.” Natasha grinned.
Fury shakes his head and smirk, “Goodbye, Agent Romanoff. If you need me, you’ll know where to find me.”
Natasha stood there watching as the helicopter took off from the helipad, then promptly retrieved her keys from her pocket and walked to her car. The ride to her house was smooth and quick, and she had her favorite song playing throughout the drive. She dumped her bag on the floor and went straight to the bathroom when she arrived at her apartment. She is unzipping her suit when she became aware of movement a few feet away. In her living room, to be precise.
Her alertness had become second nature to her. Natasha didn't bother zipping up her suit again, the left sleeve had already slipped off. She took out the gun from behind her sink and strolled over to her living room. This couldn't be better timing for someone to ambush her right now. If it’s Yelena, then great. If it’s not then she’s fucked.
And in 3…2…1, Natasha positioned herself and pointed the gun at the intruder.
“Christ! Natasha, what the hell?”
And the intruder turned out to be Steve Rogers. Natasha put the gun down and muttered a curse word in Russian.
“What the fuck Rogers?! You can’t judge barged into people’s apartments.” Natasha exhaled, glaring at Steve.
“I’ve been texting you and you weren’t responding,” Steve explained.
Natasha opened her phone. Indeed Steve sent a lot of messages and even selfies of him and random pictures of Bucky and Sam.
“What are you 5? Am I your mom?” Natasha rolled her eyes at him.
Steve’s let out a chuckle, “No, and look I’m sorry for barging in like that.”
“How did you get in anyway? And how did you know I was back.”
Steve’s scratched the back of his neck, “Uh, I still have the spare key. The one that you gave when we started seeing each other.”
“Right,”
“And Yelena called me, she informed me that you’d be here.”
“How did Yelena— Never mind.” Natasha gave a dismissive wave. Knowing Yelena she’d probably have Steve’s number before she even asked about Natasha and Steve’s history.
Natasha felt a sudden sting in her face. Her fingertips lightly skimmed against her scraped cheek. Great way to end an era, she thought. Natasha walked back to her room, left Steve standing. She sat on her vanity desk, which has a large mirror and dug out the medical kit from the drawer. Steve followed her a few seconds later. He knelt in front of her, his face level with her cheek, and he snatched the cotton from Natasha's hand and cleaned her wound without saying anything. The scrape isn't that big, but it is noticeable.
“I was in a mission earlier. Got a call from Fury.” Natasha shared, though it was pretty obvious she thought it was still better to just say something.
“This is going to sting a bit,” Steve warned before dabbing the cotton with antibiotic.
Natasha didn’t even feel it. Her gaze was set upon Steve’s. She missed him so much. It’s been two months since they last saw each other. Natasha tried to remove Steve from her thoughts even for a little while but she can’t honestly seem to shake it. Not when they’ve been calling and messaging each other non-stop like some lovesick teenagers.
“Why are you here?” She asked.
“I’m visiting my friend.” He answered, then he covered up her wound with gauze.
A friend. Natasha didn’t say anything back. Reluctantly, Natasha let her hand run through his hair until it came to rest at the edge of his jaw. Then Steve’s eyes traveled between her eyes and her lips. Natasha's heart was ablaze, her eyelids fluttering shut in anticipation. Finally, Steve pulled her close, his lips brushed against hers. The sensation of his lips pushing hard against her own calmed a longing for his touch and taste that she'd harbored for longer than she'd care to acknowledge.
Their lips moved against one another, moving to an unknown rhythm as each person tried to figure out how the other's mouth fit together as one. Steve hesitantly pulled back for a brief interval to gather his breath as he felt her soft lips separate beneath his.
“Fuck being friends.” He breathed, he kissed her again harshly, and bit her lips. “I… don’t want to be friends with you, Natasha.”
“God, Steve. Who came up with being friends anyway?” She said, gasping for air. Hungry for his lips. Steve Rogers is her damnation and empyrean.
Natasha dipped her head to kiss him harder, and Steve balanced himself to help them both stand up while kissing each other. There is a big height difference between Steve and Natasha. They were both on their feet, Steve grabbed her legs, carrying her then pushing her to the wall. Natasha’s hands now moved everywhere and her lips kissed the side of his jaw down to his neck.
She furiously clustered the fabric of his shirt and pushed his body toward her, their kissing became more urgent. Steve felt pressed against her and moaned.
“Bed…now..” Natasha demanded in between their hot kisses.
As soon as they reached her bed, Natasha hastily lifted his shirt off. She could stare at his body forever. Steve's hands wander up her sides, ghosting the sides of her breasts, and she responded with a sensual little cry as she pushed her hips forward to rub against him, tightening her own grip around his neck. He continued the brushing motion from her hips to the side of her chest numerous times.
Steve's lips landed on her neck, and he wanted to leave his imprint on her. As she whimpered, Natasha's nails left rows of small crescent moons over his shoulders.
“Mine,” Steve whispered in her neck.
Steve brushed his hand delicately at her suit first and he kissed her again before saying, “I love seeing you with your suit on, but I love you more without it.”
With that, Steve’s hands ripped her suit apart leaving her in her undergarments. In one swift motion of her fingers, Natasha unclasped her bra. Steve dipped his head and planted kisses in between her breast down to her abdomen.
“Natasha..” Her name slipping through his lips sounded like devotion to a God.
His fingers circling the top of her underwear, he looked at her for a while. This is her Steve. Natasha knows that even lust clouded them, he would always leave a thread of restraint. He would look at her and ask for consent before touching her intimate area. Natasha just gave Steve a soft nod as he tugged her underwear down. Natasha pushed herself on top of him and unbuckled Steve's pants at a fast pace. He buried his fingers into her sides to assist control her movements as she crashed down harder on him.
As Steve entered her, Natasha went in for a long kiss, pressing his mouth open with her tongue before breaking the kiss and sitting up straight. Natasha's limbs trembled as Steve thrusts inside her.
Natasha was screaming his name. “Steve! Fuck!”
“Baby… you’ll wake up the neighbors.” Fuck Steve Rogers for even trying to insert a joke in the midst of their lovemaking.
As both of their souls exploded to each other, it's impossible to deny how needy and passionate they were for one another. Their hands were entangled as she collapsed on his chest. His heartbeat was palpable to her. Steve kissed her on the forehead and his free hand traced circles on her back.
“I love you, Steve,” Natasha said without hesitation, she then placed him a chaste kiss on the top of his shoulder and the side of his jaw before carefully shifting off and resting down next to him.
As Natasha turned to face him, Steve leaned closer to kiss her again. Then he pulled away to whisper, “I love you.”
__________________
Natasha was awoken by the bright morning sunlight streaming through her bedroom window, which forced her eyes to slowly open. Last night was incredible. Natasha stretched her limbs, Steve consumed her energy last night. They could go on and on like before, but it was already a losing battle, and her body was exhausted from the mission. She cast a glance and found her side empty and cold.
Steve stayed the night, right? She remembered falling asleep in his arms. Natasha went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. When she looked at her naked reflection, she discovered that Steve had left a mark. Worry began to seep into her mind, and she hastily reached for her phone, only to discover a note stuck on it.
I’m in the kitchen.
- Steve
Natasha saw Steve’s shirt lying on the ground, she picked it up and wore it. Hastily, proceeded to the kitchen, Natasha saw Steve cooking breakfast with just an apron and his boxers. Her lips quirked into a smile.
“Good morning, baby.” Steve glanced back at her, grinning.
Natasha walked up to him, her arms snaking around his waist placing a kiss on his back. “Morning, love.”
They both ate their breakfast quietly. Natasha couldn't help but stare at Steve a little longer when she finished her meal. It was all a bit surreal. She could get used to this. Natasha wants a life like this with Steve.
“I’m done.” Natasha blurted out.
“Okay… Is the breakfast okay?”
“No, I mean I’m done, Steve. I am retiring from fieldwork.” She informed him.
Natasha wasn’t sure how Steve would react. Surprise?
“I gave Sam my shield.”
The tables turned. Natasha always knew that Steve wants to retire but what surprised is that he gave the shield away. Natasha thought that if Steve retires he would just store it somewhere at his house or at the Avengers’ HQ.
“Before I came here yesterday, I gave the shield to Sam. I'm going to retire, but that doesn't mean the world no longer needs Captain America. And in the first place, the shield isn't mine to keep.” He explained.
“Sam is the perfect candidate,” Natasha added. Steve smiled in agreement.
Steve stood up and walked over to Natasha, she’s sitting down on a stool beside the kitchen island. He pulled her arms and let them hug his waist. Steve lowered his head to kiss the top of her head.
“What are we now, Nat?” He mumbled.
It didn’t take her two years to realize that Steve wants what she wants. Natasha has always known, it’s just sometimes people like her can be stupid too. Fear isn’t an excuse if you love someone, Natasha knows that now. Her fear got in the way and she almost lost the person who made her feel like the world isn’t a lonely place. She almost lost the person who would make her tea and would memorize every little detail of her.
Natasha had loved Steve Rogers since the day she saw her at the Potomac, unconscious, and feared her heart would burst. Her heart sank at the prospect of him kissing someone else, and that moment made her realize how deep she had fallen. Natasha loved him so bad, that she was willing to bend her words and the papers she signed to set him free. Natasha loved him so much, that just by looking at him right now, she already know she wants in life. Him.
Natasha released herself from him. Tiptoed and leaned in to give him a brief kiss.
“Move in with me.” That wasn’t a question or a request it was more like a statement
“Right now?” Steve’s eyes widened.
“Yes.” Natasha smiled.
Steve wrapped his arms around her and kissed her once more. He excused himself a few moments later to call Bucky. Natasha found it amusing that Steve was so ecstatic that he requested Bucky to begin packing for him. This is a view she could have for the rest of her life. Steve and her, and hopefully their own ones eventually. But for now, it's all about small steps. A slow but sure process.
For the first time, all is well. And on a Wednesday, in her apartment, she watched it begin again.