Chapter Text
His thumb hovers over the call button, its contact information spelling out Eijun’s name. The beats of his heart pick up and he believes he’s going to burst like a bubble when touched.
Seto’s word of advice when he opened up to him about his newfound feelings played like a broken record in his mind. (“ Koushuu, if he likes you, then he likes you. If he doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t hype yourself up too much thinking that ‘he's my first love, everything has to be perfect. You’ll never be able to confess if you do that. I’m sure you and Eijun will be okay even after you tell him how you feel. ”)
The blond-haired student places his phone down, locking it. A million thoughts race through his mind, fleshing out the possibilities - like an otome game but every ending is a bad ending. For Eijun to tell him the feeling is mutual has the same chances of him winning the lottery on the same day; a pipe dream for beggars and dreamers, like him, to hold onto.
He doesn’t know if he can confess now. But when will he have the chance to do so? (“ C’mon wolf-boy, try ziplining with me! You’ll never know if you won’t try it. If you want, I’ll go first so I can greet you when you manage to get to the other end. ”)
Koushuu takes a deep breath and he makes up his mind. He’ll never know if he won’t try. He opens his phone. A simple press of the green call button and his phone creates a ringing sound, trying to connect him and Eijun in a line.
It patches through.
Eijun would always wonder when he’d call him, full of theories about what the topic of the call was. (“ I bet it’s gonna be a prank call. Or better yet, you’d actually call because you miss me! ”) Yet, here he was wasting an opportunity to tell the boy he loves about how he feels by remaining quiet.
“Hi Kou, what’s the first phone call from you gonna be about?” The playful banter from Eijun breaks him. What if he doesn’t feel the same? He’d rather not risk it; everything that they’ve built together and for it to all disappear because he wanted to be selfish? Koushuu’s connection with Eijun wasn’t something one could compare with materialistic items, it also fails to be translated into words, or gestures or the memories they’ve created and shared - it’s a combination of these three and more.
To gamble on his chances would be suicide. He’d be burying their relationship with his hands, embracing its lifeless corpse with what-ifs and regrets filling every nook and cranny of his heart. Koushuu settles with wanting. It’s more than enough; he can want from afar and admire Eijun for all his entirety, even if he can’t call him his. He can want. He can want.
Okumura Koushuu knows he’s breaking his own heart.
He drops the call without saying anything.