Chapter Text
i.
They meet in Math class and Lexa knows immediately, as soon as a plucky blonde with a life-changing smile sits next to her, that she is simply ruined.
;;
It wasn’t always easy for Lexa to make friends really. Her dad often told her that she was too opinionated to be able to really listen to other people but she didn’t mind.
She was still invited to parties with her study groups and the clubs she was a part of but they never really meant anything to her and she never understood the hype when the football team would win.
(Sometimes she wonders if she’s wrong; if she should enjoy her teenage social life and date the pretty girl and fawn over the popular crowd.)
;;
She’s sitting on the quad reading a book when a shadow crosses over her and she looks up to see Clarke, a milkshake in her hand and a twinkle in her blue eyes. She doesn't need to ask what flavor she's gotten, she already knows, and it makes her smile for some unknown reason at how they've managed to become so close to one another in such a short space of time. Regardless, Clarke offers her a sip before she speaks and Lexa shakes her head because vanilla is the worst of all milkshake flavors but Clarke drinks it like it's limited edition.
"Come to Raven’s birthday with me?”
“Sorry?”
“Raven’s birthday,” Clarke repeats, like that explains everything, and Lexa can’t help but smile as her friend kicks her bag out of the way so that she can sit next to her. “It’s this weekend and it’s going to be huge. She wants you there.”
Lexa blinks and closes the book around her finger, keeping her place. “No she doesn’t.”
“She totally does.”
“Clarke. Who is Raven?” At being caught out Clarke blushes but it just makes both of the girls giggle.
“Whatever. I want you there, okay? She's my best friend and I want you to me. Sue me,” she says and Lexa bites her lip at that because there’s an undertone to it that she can’t quite place. It makes her feel important though; like she’s someone special to Clarke, like she’s someone worthy enough to meet her real friends and she finds herself nodding before even verbally replying. “Really? You’ll come?”
“I mean, sure. If Raven wants me there,” she teases and Clarke rolls her eyes at her fondly before biting her lip, a shy smile hiding beneath the gesture.
“Shut up. What are you reading?”
And Lexa falls into an easy routine with her, showing her the book she’d been given by the sweet librarian, and she adds the moment they just shared to the little tally in her head.
;;
Lexa grows more with Clarke than she ever thought was possible.
Through high school she felt herself learning about who she really is; something she genuinely puts down to her friendship with Clarke. She wonders how one girl can have such an impact on a person but it’s not hard to see the influence she has on those around her. Teachers, friends, boys who think she’s pretty – Clarke has all of them in the palm of her hand and Lexa has to really ask herself what it was about herself that had caught Clarke’s attention.
“Have you decided on a college yet, Lexa?” Her dad asks one night and she shrinks a little under his gaze. She knows he has big plans for her that include an Ivy League school and powerful connections and she knows with Anya away at college herself, Lexa is now the target of their dad's attention.
“I still want to study economics,” she says softly as she pushes her potatoes around her plate and she can feel her step-mom's gaze on her hand, unimpressed at her manners. The tone of her voice tilts in question when she continues. “I was looking at Wisconsin.”
“Are you asking me that or telling me that?”
She looks up at her dad and it’s clear to see why he works in politics. His face shows no emotion and no indication of how he feels about the change in plans. She knows Princeton has been on the cards for years but she’s made the decision with her head–(she thinks)--and she stands by it.
“I’m telling you.”
Across from her he tents his fingers, the tips of his index fingers pressing against his top lip, and he nods just once. “The economics programme there is well established. What made you choose Wisconsin of all places? You could go anywhere, Lexa. Anywhere at all. You know money isn't an issue and an Ivy League would look far more superior when you're looking for work.”
Clarke.
She chose it because of Clarke.
But that’s not the answer he’s looking for and she puts her fork down to her step-mothers dismay. “The professor there is renowned for her analytical papers. Indra Forrester. Have you heard of her? She’s been interviewed many times.”
“I’ve read some of her journals, yes. She works there?”
Lexa nods, noting how she’s gaining traction and she pushes down a proud smile. “She would be my professor.”
“Very well,” her dad says after a long pause and Lexa feels the weight in her stomach, that she didn’t even realize had built, lift. “I trust your choices, Lexa. Prove yourself.”
;;
Lexa doesn’t think even poets could describe the excitement in Clarke’s eyes when she tells her that she’s going to the same college as her.
ii.
Octavia Blake is a force of nature and Lexa is intrigued.
As with most of her extended friendships, Lexa meets Octavia through Clarke and there’s an instant connection there that she hasn’t felt since that Thursday in a Math class on a mid October day.
Unlike with Raven, who is very much Clarke’s friend, Lexa and Octavia spend time together outside of the friendship group that they share with Clarke. While Clarke is attending her early lectures, the two of them head out to ‘Jasper’s’ for breakfast and while away hours talking about books and art and music. Octavia is studying Psychology and Lexa is enthralled by the subject matter that Octavia brings to the table, adding information where she can.
“Can I ask a question?” Octavia asks one night as they’re getting ready for a party. As always Octavia is unashamed with her body as she moves around Lexa’s dorm room in nothing but a pair of leather pants and a bra.
And, honestly, Lexa isn’t stupid - she knows what Octavia is doing and she isn’t against it. At all. In fact she has to ask herself why she hasn’t done anything about whatever it is that is building naturally between them; but the moment she thinks about addressing it, or questioning the situation, Clarke’s face bulldozes into the forefront of her mind and she can’t breathe.
(But Clarke has never really indicated that she wants Lexa in the same way that Octavia does.)
“Go on,” Lexa says and puts her eyeliner down, blinking a few times to clear her vision. There’s no reply for a moment and Lexa twists in her chair to look at her friend–her best friend, really-and nods at her to go on. “Octavia, are you okay?”
Octavia sighs and turns slowly from where she’s deciding between the red top or the white one. “You and Clarke..?”
“What about us?”
“That’s my question,” Octavia continues and Lexa watches in morbid fascination as a vulnerability coats her friend's eyes. For a second Lexa is distracted by how attractive she looks; pure and open and honest. “What are you guys? Like, are you together or what?”
Lexa scoffs and shakes her head but then she feels mean. Because she barely understands what herself and Clarke share sometimes so how is anyone else supposed to know?
She’d changed her plans to attend the same college as her but Clarke continues to insist that Raven is her best friend so that position was full. And Clarke pays more attention to Lexa than she had ever seen her pay to anyone else, yet they weren’t together.
They’d never even kissed.
Never even come close.
So really…What were they?
“She’s my person, I guess?” She says but it’s quiet and unsure but Octavia stays patient. “I don’t know. She’s Clarke. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.”
Octavia nods but she still looks unsure and a little hurt. “Have you ever, you know, tried to be anything more?”
“No,” Lexa says and turns back to the mirror, unwilling to have a witness to the shame in her eyes. “I don’t think she sees me like that.”
“What?” Octavia laughs but it’s without humor and Lexa turns just slightly, her ear on Octavia rather than her face. “You’re kidding right?”
“What do you mean?” Lexa asks but Octavia doesn’t answer and Lexa waits five Mississippi’s before she turns in the chair again, completely facing her friend. “Hey.”
Octavia pulls the white shirt over her head and Lexa swallows a little at how it fits her body perfectly. “Nothing, nevermind,” she shrugs at Lexa before running her hand through her hair to mess it up slightly. “Come on we should go or the beer is going to be warm by the time we get there.”
“The beer is always warm, Blake,” Lexa teases but there’s no heat to it; her mind still on her friend's words. She steps towards the dark haired girl and she isn’t ignorant to the way Octavia inhales deeply. “Why did you ask about Clarke?”
“I don’t –” Octavia turns to the side a little but Lexa feels the soft touch of her hand on the front of her shirt, fingers tangling in the material slightly. “You’re really hot, Lexa. Smart, funny, strong…You’re kind of the perfect girl. People want you. I just think you deserve to see that.”
“Octavia…”
A moment passes between them and Lexa feels her heart rate increase and she doesn’t know what is happening.
Clarke’s face flashes in front of her eyes and she blinks rapidly, confused.
“Come on. Let’s get fucked up,” her friend says quietly and Lexa can do nothing but follow her.
;;
That night Clarke snaps at Lexa and leaves her in the middle of the party.
The next time Lexa sees her she’s kissing Wells Jaha, a teaching assistant for one of Clarke’s classes, and Lexa pretends to not notice Octavia’s heated gaze from across the room.
;;
After that Octavia pulls back a little; not enough to really cause any permanent damage to their friendship but enough that Lexa takes the hint that her chance had passed.
She focuses on her studies, remembering her dad’s words about proving herself, and she makes sure she isn’t distracted by ridiculous matters of the heart.
Clarke remains a constant in her life and for that she’s grateful.
They spend nights watching movies in their dorms and go to parties and help quiz each other when exams start looming. Lexa takes pride in the fact she appears in the majority of Clarke’s Instagram stories and they rebuild from whatever weird funk had been caused at the beginning of the year.
She balances her college life, her social life and Clarke perfectly and it works. Because Clarke has other friends and Lexa has other friends but they always, always, have each other.
;;
And then she meets Costia.
;;
Lexa is sure they’re not really supposed to get along as well as they do but they work so perfectly that she can’t really deny the shared energy that they have. Costia fills her life with a light she hadn’t really realized she was missing and, God, she makes Lexa laugh.
Their first date takes place in a coffee shop, because of course it does, and it travels through a park and into a book store and then back to Costia’s dorm room. The girl lives in a single room and Lexa wonders for a moment what she has planned but then she pulls out a book of poems and they spend the night reading to one another in increasingly ridiculous voices and Lexa finally understands what it is supposed to be like.
(it's not the same as with Clarke but Lexa thinks nothing will really match what her and Clarke have.)
Costia doesn’t meet her friends though, despite Lexa meeting Costia’s best friend Ilian, and she finds herself falling into their friendship circle easily. They’re artistic and bohemian and everything Lexa has never really been interested in before but Costia looks really fucking pretty with a joint between her lips and she never forces Lexa to join in and she wonders if this is what it feels like to fall in love.
But Lexa doesn’t quite know how to share Clarke and Octavia and sh e knows she doesn’t want to share Clarke at all.
She doesn’t think about what that means, or what it can potentially mean, because she can have all of these thoughts until the sky melts and the world ends but Clarke doesn’t share the same feelings so it doesn’t matter.
Right?
;;
They go home for Christmas and it feels like the first time in a long time that she’s gotten to spend any time with Clarke at all. Octavia stays in Wisconsin but her brother comes down from Harvard so Lexa knows she isn’t alone and thus her entire attention is on Clarke. For the first few days they both settle in with their families; Clarke excitedly helping her mom decorate the rooms she’d saved for when Clarke came home and Lexa catching her dad up on all of her studies.
They meet up on Christmas Eve and Lexa can’t remember anything about Wisconsin or girls dressed only in oversized t-shirts or the sound of Octavia’s laughter.
Suddenly all she can think about is Clarke.
(Really all she ever thinks about is Clarke and s he entertains the thought that thinking about the blonde is her default state of being and it makes her smile even as snow collects on their woolen hats.)
“Remember when I was your only friend and we spent all of our time together,” Clarke teases randomly, but it doesn’t feel random and when Lexa looks across at her from the bench they’re sitting on she looks sad rather than like she's joking. Steam rises from both of their cups of hot chocolate–Clarkes seasoned with mint, Lexa with cinnamon–but it does nothing to disguise the downturn of Clarke’s lips. There’s truth behind her teasing and it pulls, pulls, pulls at Lexa’s heart until she feels like she’s forgotten how to breathe. “Growing up sucks. I barely speak to Raven, I hardly see you. My best friend is my laptop, I think.”
“There’s not much longer left,” Lexa says diplomatically because realistically she knows it’s only going to get harder as they work towards the end of their college life but she’s also not willing to let Clarke look as sad as she does now for another moment. “I’m sorry if I’ve been pulling away. I haven’t meant to.”
“I know,” Clarke says gently and she shifts a little in her seat, her arm brushing against the thick padding of Lexa’s jacket. “I just thought it’d go differently. In my head I had a completely opposite view of college…I don’t know. I pictured it going differently for us, I guess.”
Lexa frowns a little, her right hand dropping to the top of Clarke’s and she wishes they weren’t wearing gloves, wishes she could feel Clarke’s skin against her own. “What do you mean?”
And it’s here. It’s here in this moment Lexa finds herself hoping.
She hasn’t exactly waited for Clarke–her girlfriend proves that theory–but she’s also been ready if anything were to change, if Clarke was to even hint at something.
As they grew up Lexa has always been envious of Clarke’s bravery, of her ability to just ask for anything she wanted, and she holds her breath and hopes that old Clarke would just appear.
Even for a second.
“I don’t know. I think my brain is getting frostbite,” Clarke laughs softly and all Lexa can feel is disappointment. And she knows she has Costia and, honestly, she loves the girl but she can’t deny the sinking feeling because it exists and it’s there and it’s always been there. Ever since Math class. “Do you want to stay at mine tonight?”
“I mean, yes of course I do,” Lexa starts and she looks away at the dimming of blue eyes. “But I promised Costia I would, you know, Skype her tonight. With it being Christmas Eve.”
Clarke is already nodding before she even finishes her sentence and she just lets it trail off, suddenly guilty. It’s strange, she thinks, how many feelings Clarke brings out of her in such a short period of time.
“I could come over before I call her,” she suggests instead and Clarke brightens again and it’s all she can do to stop herself from wrapping her arms around her and pulling her close. “Or, I mean, I could call her from your mom's office if I’m allowed?”
Clarke smiles so wide her words are coated in her happiness when they come out. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll ask her. Stay the night? We both know your dad will be working in the morning anyway.”
“It’s Christmas, Clarke. Shouldn’t you spend the morning with your family?”
I t’s not exactly a no though and they both know it.
“Probably,” she shrugs. “But I’ve missed you.”
“Okay,” she says easily and nudges her friend and she’s already laughing as she continues. “But we both know I’m going to have to be back for the photo opportunity with my dad in the morning. I can’t miss that.”
When Clarke laughs Lexa forgets about her life in Wisconsin and she wonders how bad of a person that makes her.
;;
“Good morning. Merry Christmas! You need to get out of bed, Lexa. Santa has been!”
Lexa smiles and smiles and smiles.
iii.
They all graduate and Lexa wonders if she would have enjoyed four years as much as she had without Clarke, Octavia or Costia.
When she thinks back over her college timeline she recalls stress at finals and laughter at Jaspers and learning more about herself than ever before.
She remembers Clarke. So deeply and so vividly a nd, honestly, that speaks volumes.
;;
She agrees to go to California with her friends once they graduate. Octavia convinces them over lunch one day and it doesn’t really take much for Lexa to agree; Octavia is her best friend and the thought of spending a few weeks on a beach with Clarke isn’t exactly unappealing.
“You should ask Costia too,” Octavia says and it’s shocking enough that Lexa misses the look the two girls on the table share. “She’s welcome to come.”
And Lexa nods along and swiftly messages her girlfriend of two years, asking if she’d like to come on vacation with a group of people she hasn’t met, and of course Costia agrees. Lexa knows the biggest issue for Costia is Lexa’s reluctance to share her friends with her girlfriend but she’s patient and kind but once the offer is out there Costia jumps on it.
She doesn't see the tremor in Clarke's fingers.
;;
Lexa focuses her entire attention on Costia once they arrive in California.
She doesn’t really know why she does it but there’s something about the sun and the sand and Clarke squealing as the waves wash over her body that make Lexa’s head spin.
And so she focuses entirely on Costia; because the dark-haired girl is her girlfriend, and Costia is the one she sleeps next to at night, and she could do well to remember that.
Because Lexa can’t give Clarke something she has never even asked for.
Clarke spends a lot of her time with Raven anyway, catching up with her best friend, and Octavia and her brother are obnoxiously close so it leaves Lexa with a lot of time to spend with her girlfriend.
“I like your friends,” Costia says to her one night, her hands wrapped around Lexa’s bicep as they sit just off to the side of the fire burning in a little pit on the patio of the beach house.
Bellamy is talking about some physicist he saw speak at a seminar in New Haven but the only person who seems to care is Raven. Next to them Clarke is studiously watching the burgers on the grill, almost refusing to look towards Lexa, and she only occasionally nods as Octavia speaks to her.
“I like them too,” Lexa smiles, patiently waiting for Clarke to meet her eyes. She wonders how it is she can miss someone less than ten feet away. “I’m glad we came.”
“Me too,” Costia says gently and of course Clarke looks up at the moment Costia lays her forehead against Lexa’s temple. “I can’t believe it took you this long to let me meet them. I was beginning to think you’d made them all up.”
Clarke looks away and Lexa blinks one, two, three times before replying. “I think I might have made some of it up too,” she says and Costia laughs like she’s joking.
She doesn’t think she is.
;;
That night she asks Clarke the question that had been burning at the back of her mind for a while. “I mean, we are still friends. Right?”
“Yes, we’re still friends.”
And Lexa can’t really help herself. She hugs her tightly, bringing Clarke’s body close to her own, and just holds her. It’s not enough and she knows it isn’t enough; she knows she’s kind of ruined it for herself now because she knows how Clarke’s body feels pressed against her own and she’s still going to curl up against someone else that night.
It’s honestly ridiculous; she’s a fully grown adult with a real degree and the prospect of a real job in the future yet she feels like she’s fifteen again and gorgeous blonde girl with wild eyes and a cherry red smile is asking her what the answer to question seven is.
Clarke shifts against her, tensing, and she figures she’s hugged her long enough and pulls herself back unwilling to meet her eyes immediately. “Are you coming in? It’s not Bellamy’s night to pick the movie so it should actually be good.”
“I’m going to stay out here a moment longer and then I’ll come in. Just tell Raven to not pick anything gory; I’m not sure I can handle that after eating meat.”
And Lexa nods, as always, willing to do whatever Clarke asks.
;;
“Do you think we’ll last forever, Lexa?” Costia whispers into the sky on their final night in California. She’s huddled under a fleece blanket on a balcony as a joint hangs between her fingers, her feet balacing on the railing in front of her.
She looks like a model, Lexa thinks. All long legs and long hair and pouting lips.
She’s a photographer's dream and Lexa knows that, has pictures on her phone to prove that, and she knows what she’s doing isn’t fair.
But she can’t stop.
Lexa doesn’t reply because there isn’t an answer in her heart that sounds honest enough and instead she kisses Costia on the balcony, under the stars, and tries to not compare it to the hug she shared earlier that week with Clarke.
iv.
It’s easy with Costia until suddenly it isn’t.
Almost without discussion they all move back towards the East Coast; Octavia manages to land a job studying criminal behavior, Clarke going immediately into teaching and Lexa uses her father’s connections to become a financial risk analyst. It works for them, all living within a twenty minute radius of each other, and finally Lexa feels like her life is on track.
“I want to travel,” Costia tells her one day over breakfast and Lexa looks up concerned. “This nine-to-five? I can’t do it. I want to travel and I think you do too.”
“I don’t.”
They’re heading into six years as an official couple and Lexa knows that for the past two it hasn’t been perfect. Costia has been restless, irritated by the constant noise of New York and the distance from her friends. They’ve both ignored the warning signs and the red flags; opting instead to focus on the fact that they love one another just enough that they know they’d never hurt the other.
“You want to stay in this apartment?” Costia scoffs, gesturing around. And, yes, okay it isn’t the best place but Lexa wasn’t about to accept money from her dad so they could live somewhere better and then have that hanging over her head. It was better than Clarke’s place; they had a better security system and their windows worked. “Come on, Lexa. There has to be more than this. We weren’t put on this Earth to just pay bills, right?”
Lexa shrugs because she kind of likes the routine of it. Of knowing that she’ll see Octavia and Clarke every week or so for dinner, and coming home to a nice enough apartment, and feeling secure and safe.
Stepping outside of her comfort zone has never been in her plans.
“Lexa. I can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Playing pretend,” Costia snaps and Lexa thinks she knows what’s coming. “Playing like we’re happy. You’re one of my closest friends, Lexa, and I love you. But something has to give, right?”
“We’re playing pretend because I don’t want to waste my money traveling to different countries?”
Costia sighs, irritated, and Lexa swallows back a comment. “When was the last time we made love, Lexa? Think about it,” she says and Lexa flushes a little in embarrassment, looking down at her oatmeal. “When was the last time we were spontaneous or you told me that you loved me and meant it?”
“That’s not fair,” Lexa fires back and she’s forceful in her words, demanding attention. “The rest of it? Fine. You have a point. We haven’t been intimate and maybe I haven’t been romantic or fun recently but we’re adults now, Costia. There are bills to pay, whether you like it or not, and mouths to feed. We can’t just skip across the country without a plan, that’s not how life works, but don’t ever tell me that I never meant it when I said I loved you. Because I meant it every single time.”
For a second Costia looks taken aback but then she straightens again, her lips in a firm line. “Okay, Lexa. When was the last time you told me you loved me and meant that you were in love with me?”
Lexa opens her mouth to answer, ready for the fight, but swiftly closes it when she realizes she can’t answer honestly.
Costia nods.
“I’ll pack my things tonight,” she tells Lexa and just like that it's over.
;;
Costia can’t get out of the apartment lease immediately so Lexa decides that she’ll go and stay with Octavia until she can either find a place to stay or she gets a new apartment herself.
Despite her permanent accommodation for the time being Octavia’s pull out bed in the tiny living room of her Queens apartment, Lexa continues to help pay the rent on her old place with Costia. She doesn’t know how else to manage the guilt she harbors for stringing Costia along for so many years and, instead, decides to compensate her through money.
(Much like her father, she thinks.)
“Clarke has just messaged me saying that Raven told her to get in contact with me,” Lexa says one night, her legs folded on her bed that pretty much stays pulled out, and Octavia grimaces from where she’s making dinner. “Any clue as to why she’s messaging me?”
“I told Raven about you and Costia,” she shrugs like she isn’t sorry but Lexa knows her deeper than that. Lexa says nothing and waits for Octavia to continue, which she does after cutting the last piece of bell pepper on the board in front of her. “You were never going to do it.”
“Yes I was.”
“When? It’s been four days,” Octavia shoots back and Lexa rolls her eyes, annoyed at her best friend already. “Or, what, were you going to wait for her and Niylah to break up before you finally tell her you’re single so you can have your true love ending?”
An ambulance siren blares through the apartment giving Lexa just enough time to think. The blue lights cast over the fixtures of the apartment and Lexa watches as her friend moves back to the chopping board, moving on to an onion with a scowl on her face.
“Why would she care if I was single?”
“Oh fuck off, Lexa,” her friend grumbles and looks up with the knife in hand. Her hips juts out to the side as she leans on the counter and she points the knife at Lexa, not exactly menacingly but enough to capture the brunette's attention. “Are you being serious right now?”
“Being serious about what ?”
Octavia glares at her for what feels like too long before she puts the knife down. “I’m going to get us some wine, or vodka, or tequila. You finish up the risotto.”
“No. What were you going to say?”
Walking around the small island, Octavia grabs her jacket from the back of the door and her keys from the dish on the side. She turns to Lexa and shakes her head but there’s a small flicker of something in her eyes-remorse, sorrow-and Lexa suddenly feels like a child being scolded for something they knew they shouldn’t have done.
“I can’t be sober for this conversation if you’re really going to act this dumb,” she says and Lexa nods, not entirely sure why she’s agreeing but willing to listen anyway. “I’ll be back in ten minutes. You finish up in there because if I come back and there isn’t something diced, sliced or quartered I’m not going to be as patient as I am right now.”
When she returns she has a bottle of vodka and a bottle of tequila and Lexa knows it’s going to be one of those conversations.
;;
“She loved me?”
“Yep.”
“Fuck.”
“Yep.”
;;
She gets a reminder that she accepted to go to her sister's wedding a few weeks later and the bold printed ‘Lexa Woods plus guest’ kind of taunts her. Their dad has already paid for everything, which includes bedrooms for all guests, and Lexa knows she can’t back out of it even if she wanted to.
She isn’t included in the wedding party which is fine. Her and Anya get along, sure, but they’re not super close but that also means that she won’t have anything to distract her from her absolute loneliness and the empty chair beside her at the wedding meal later in the day.
Of course she thinks about asking Octavia; the girl is always ready for a party, but the conversation lingers in her mind from when they’d gotten drunk on cheap liquor and Octavia had told her in no uncertain terms that Lexa had unwittingly broken Clarke’s heart by dating Costia and everyone kind of knew it.
Clarke says yes when she asks and she doesn’t know why she ever thought she wouldn’t but everything feels highlighted now.
(Even if Clarke is with Niylah; Lexa knows their time is coming.)
;;
“You know what really pisses me off?” Octavia says the night before Lexa is due to fly out. They’d been playing a card game and had gotten progressively more drunk as the night drew on. Over the summer they had decided to move in together; rent would be cheaper and Octavia worked such strange hours that they would have their own space when they needed it. It worked but on nights like this, when Octavia felt like being completely honest, it kind of felt like a cage more than a home. “Like, something I think about a lot. Maybe not a lot. But I used to think about it all the time at college.”
“Mm?”
“Everyone knew about you and Clarke, yeah? I mean I asked you if you were something more than friends and you always said no. No Octavia. She doesn’t like me like that, Octavia ,” her friend mocks and even though she’s being kind of mean it makes Lexa smile at her childish voice. She pauses for a while and Lexa wonders if she’s fallen asleep or forgotten what she’s saying and she looks up from where she’s laying on the sofa, her neck craning towards her friend. “I wanted to date you, you know?”
“When?”
“First year,” Octavia admits but she doesn’t sound hurt or bothered but it still makes more guilt grow inside Lexa, festering next to shame she still felt about Costia. “Second year. Little bit of third year.”
“ Octavia… ”
“No, it’s cool,” she shrugs and smiles at Lexa but it’s a little too wide to be comfortable. “But, like, I didn’t because I thought you and Clarke would do something about the fucking star-crossed lovers shit you had going on and you never did. You never fucking did. That’s what pisses me off.”
“I’m sorry…I didn’t realize -”
“Lexa. It’s fine. You’re not that great to me anymore. But this is me telling you, through a few tequila shots and hindsight, to not fuck it up again. Because you’d be stupid to keep missing all of these chances.”
Octavia drops her head back down onto the chair that she’s sitting on and Lexa looks at her for a few moments longer, guilt and shame and regret flooding her.
She hopes if her and Clarke get their chance that she'll learn how to stop hurting people so deeply.
;;
At the wedding she thinks it’s finally going to happen.
They’re slow dancing to a song and Clarke’s eyes are bright and wide and Lexa asks her to ask her, practically begs her to, but Clarke shies away and it’s clear Lexa’s chances with Clarke have come to a close.
She asks why her and Costia broke up and Lexa wonders if Octavia just made it all up, if she made it all up, if there was never really anything more than friendship for them. Because there was no way that they could keep missing each other like this, right? Even as they danced and held one another and shared a hotel room – they still managed to be on two completely different paths that never seem to meet.
;;
Neither of them manage to get any sleep at all that night.
v.
Lexa doesn’t mean to take Octavia’s side when the big secret comes out but the honest truth is, Octavia has always, always, been there for Lexa and she kind of gets it.
But she doesn't know why Clarke is so, so angry with her. She didn't get Raven pregnant and she didn't tell her to lie to Octavia for so long, so why on Earth Clarke is taking it out on her she doesn't know . She doesn't speak to Lexa for a month and soon it kind of becomes Octavia and Lexa against Raven and Clarke and Lexa hates it.
They don’t all fall out completely but the group chat they share is deathly silent and the last text she has from Clarke on her phone is the address of the restaurant where the news was broken.
(She misses her so much that there’s a physical pain when she thinks about her.)
“That’s Raven,” Octavia says and Lexa looks up from her emails just as Octavia presses her finger against the tinted window. “She’s in a wheelchair? What the fuck?”
The pair look at Clarke and Raven as they try to maneuver the sidewalk with the newly adopted wheelchair and Lexa leans forward to tap the driver on the shoulder. “Um, can you pull over please? Our friends are just there.”
Her dad had insisted that if she wasn’t going to take any money for housing then she had to accept the use of a private car for her own safety, which he would pay for each month. It was ridiculous and pompous but during the New York winter was kind of a lifesaver. Honestly she only ever used it when she really needed it and honestly, what were the fucking chances that the one time she used it that month she would spot her friend in a wheelchair?
She gets out of the car before Octavia and looks at Clarke immediately, her focus entirely there despite Raven clearly being heavily pregnant and Octavia crying about how sorry she is about the whole thing.
Clarke mouths a silent “I’m glad you’re here” over the heads of their friends and Lexa nods but says nothing, her heart warming for the first time in a month.
;;
Bellamy and Raven managed to get themselves a house in New Haven and as soon as the baby is born Octavia was insistent she be there to help out for the first few weeks. The ability to work remotely helped and both Bellamy and Raven jumped at the chance for an extra pair of hands; both young and inexperienced with the tiny little boy that had been gifted to them.
It's quiet around the apartment without Octavia but Lexa fills her time quite easily and it helps that Clarke now had a little more spare time with being single.
“Can you believe we didn’t speak for a month because Raven forgot how to practice safe sex?” Clarke laughs quietly at Lexa’s words, finding humor in how ridiculous the actual fight was. “That was stupid of us. Clarke, promise me we won’t let that happen again?”
Clarke shakes her head from where she’s at Lexa’s table marking papers. It always makes Lexa laugh how seriously Clarke takes grading homework for six year olds but she’s so passionate and so dedicated that it’s more admirable than humorous.
“It was kind of the worst four weeks of my life,” Clarke admits and Lexa’s stomach twists at her admission. There’s something there, Lexa can feel it and Clarke has to feel it too. She just has to. “Raven was the most demanding pregnant woman in the world and I had nobody to complain to.”
“Well I’m here now for all of your complaining needs,” Lexa smiles and there’s a relief in both of their faces that is painfully clear to the two of them. “What would you like to complain about today, Griffin?”
“Well, firstly, let me tell you about this kid called Riley. Oh my God –” Clarke starts and she’s being playful and sweet but Lexa leans forward anyway, investing herself into the story of a six year old who had decided that glue and glitter were delicious and had conspired to make it a lunch time snack for twenty other six year olds. She laughs in the right places and nods, gasping at the twist in the tale and the whole time, the entire story, she’s unable to take her gaze away from the blonde in front of her.
“I’ve missed you so much, Clarke,” she says quietly as Clarke sits giggling to herself, completely amused by the chaotic nature of children.
“I know. I missed you too.”
And it’s all Lexa can do not to cry in relief.
;;
When Octavia returns from her brother's house, Clarke goes home and Lexa feels completely empty. Octavia is her best friend, and a great person to live with, but she doesn’t make Lexa’s coffee with the right amount of cream and she doesn’t ask Lexa what she wants to watch on Netflix and, honestly, she isn’t Clarke. That’s all it comes down to.
“Did you tell her you love her?”
“She knows,” Lexa says and she’s confident in what is building between her and Clarke.
She knows it’s going to be okay because it has to be.
“You should tell her anyway,” Octavia suggests and she runs her hand across Lexa’s shoulder in support. “Or someone else will and we’ll keep replaying this cycle until we die.”
“Optimistic as always, Blake.”
“How did you know my middle name?”
finale.
It’s Clarke’s birthday and Octavia throws up all over her favorite dress.
The party is winding down and Octavia had gone a little too hard a little too early, announcing she was going to take a shot every single time Raven checked in with the baby and Bellamy and that had just caused her to get too wasted too quickly.
But the night had been a success and Clarke had a wonderful birthday and Lexa had placed her birthday gift in her bedroom for Clarke to find when she was alone. It was nothing expensive or crazy, just a picture of them from their high school graduation that she had randomly found on her dad's camera. Clarke is completely wrapped in Lexa’s arms and they’re laughing so hard their eyes are closed.
Lexa reflects on just how long they both had their eyes closed to what was right there in front of them.
She showers in Clarke’s tiny bathroom and changes into some sweat pants she had left there when Octavia had gone to stay with Bellamy and Raven. She searches for a shirt and comes up empty, deciding instead to borrow one of Clarke’s and give it back at a later date. The ground sways a little as she wanders out into the living area and she giggles quietly to herself at Clarke cheering herself on for being the last man standing and she isn’t guilty when she announces her presence and ruins that fantasy. Clarke teases her back about the shower she had but she isn’t ignorant to the way her eyes take in how the shirt sits on her body and Lexa smiles as she moves to take some pizza that had been long since forgotten.
“You and Octavia –” Clarke starts and it’s so reminiscent of when Octavia approached this topic; only Clarke was the subject matter. There’s a slight glaze in Clarke’s eyes though that give away how much she has actually been drinking and Lexa wonders if she’ll remember this tomorrow; hopes desperately that she will. “Were you ever..? Did you ever..? You know, were you ever more than friends?”
She tells her the truth, that it would have been unfair to Octavia if she did pursue anything more than that short flirtation and she briefly thinks about the conversation she shared with the woman before the wedding. That there was a chance, that neither of them took it, and that it was probably for the best. “She means more than me than a device to get over someone,” Lexa concludes meaningfully, her words slow and serious.
“Costia.”
And just like that the hope that had been building crumbled slowly.
“Happy Birthday, Clarke,” she says, heading to the couch to go to sleep. She listens as Clarke stands in her tiny kitchen, she can feel the heat of the gaze on her, but she’s too disappointed and too sad and too embarrassed to approach the subject again.
Another time, perhaps, but tonight is simply another missed chance.
;;
She decides to try again when Clarke tells her to stop being logical and to start reminiscing.
They’re at their high school reunion and Raven didn’t exactly have to try hard to get the other two to wander the halls. The gym wasn’t exactly full of people yet and meeting balding men who were once voted most handsome was a little bit of a let down in the grand scheme of things. They agreed to wait for more people to arrive and Raven really wanted to see the science building and so they found themselves wandering the halls of the school where they met.
By the time they reach the Math block, Raven has disappeared.
;;
Her heart pounds hard, almost too hard, and she has to focus on her breathing when she finally, finally, speaks about the subject that they’ve both been avoiding for years. It’s almost painful at how easy it is to get Clarke to listen, to get Clarke to pay attention, and she doesn’t know why she never did it in the first place.
She wanted it to be Clarke’s decision, of course. She didn’t want to ruin the friendship or assume feelings but the second she tells Clarke she thought she was beautiful in Math class, the hope that radiates from her surrounds Lexa in a warmth she hasn’t ever felt in her lifetime.
"Remember at the wedding when I told you to ask me? Do you remember what you said? Ask me Clarke.”
“Do you feel it too?”
And Lexa hasn’t always been the best with communication so she answers her the only way she knows how and kisses her.
;;
They leave the reunion without telling anyone but Raven must know immediately because she texts their group chat with a winky face and Octavia immediately replies with a fire emoji. Lexa isn’t entirely sure what it is that they’re communicating but Clarke finds the whole thing hilarious and takes Lexa’s phone out of her hand, putting both of them into her bag and pressing a soft kiss against her lips.
It’s insane how easy it is to fall into kissing Clarke and Lexa wonders why she hasn’t been doing it all along.
“I’m sorry,” Lexa says as they wait for Lexa’s car to pull up and Clarke turns in her arms, clearly unwilling to be parted from her. Lexa swallows thickly. She thinks back to all of the times her actions hurt the people around her and she hopes she can repent for them all, for each person. “For all of it. Hurting you for so long.”
“This is a two-player game, Lexa,” Clarke tells her and Lexa leans into the hand against her jaw, revelling in the feeling of Clarke’s skin against her own. “We both have a role to play in this, okay? You can’t read my mind if I’m not willing to share. I wish I could change it but I can’t, so let’s just move on from here and stop blaming each other or ourselves. We got there in the end.”
The black car pulls up in front of them at the same time a cheer goes off inside the school gym and Lexa looks at Clarke, nodding towards the building. “Do you want to go back?”
“No. I’m exactly where I want to be.”
;;
Lexa wakes in the morning with a weight around her waist and she can’t think of a time she has ever been happier. Clarke is asleep next to her, completely dead to the world, and she stays asleep even as Lexa shifts out of the bed and throws on a shirt. She lets her mind cast back to the evening before; long kisses on soft bedding, Clarke’s hair against her pillows, gasps swallowed by desperate moans. She knows for a fact that she has never felt quite as powerful or quite as beautiful as she did last night and she pads into the bathroom, turning the shower on to a mid-range temperature.
There are faint marks on her body that she’s sure will fade over the day but she’s willing to bet that if she asks Clarke to recreate them she’ll set to work like the artist she is, painting tracks down her body without remorse, and that thought makes her shudder even under the water. She reaches out and turns the thermostat down a few more degrees, cooler water rushing over her heated skin.
“Can I join?” echoes into the bathroom and Lexa inhales sharply, not quite expecting the tired girl to have woken, but she doesn’t exactly get time to reply as the door opens and a body is swiftly pressed against her own. Only a second later it steps back. “Holy shit, Lexa. Do you bathe in ice ?”
“I don’t like hot showers,” she lies but she can’t contain her laughter as she turns and sees the horrified expression on Clarke’s face. “I was too hot this morning.”
The shock eases into a smirk as the words sink into Clarke’s head and she looks proud, which only makes Lexa roll her eyes. “Did you need a cold shower this morning, Woods?” Hands move to cup her hips and Lexa lets Clarke pull her against her body, her eyes closing slowly. “Thinking about anything in particular?”
“Shut up,” Lexa growls, hating how easily Clarke could read her now she was completely open. “Just. Shut up.”
When she kisses her she tastes Clarke’s laughter and it’s the only thing that makes her teasing comments worth it.
(Until, at least, Clarke slips her hand lower. Lexa learns quite quickly that Clarke can very easily pull forgiveness out of Lexa without a problem.)
;;
They eat breakfast together over an hour later and Lexa is sure she’ll never stop smiling, even as Octavia walks in and rolls her eyes with a fond look, even if their phone is blowing up with lewd messages into the group chat from Raven.
The bravest thing Lexa thinks she has ever done is tell Clarke her feelings.
The easiest thing she’s ever done is actually love her back.