Chapter Text
This feeling wasn't unfamiliar. Sam had felt it before, even before the missions got intense. She think she first felt it when she fought...the toymaker in freshman year. The thing about that was that it was so forced, she didn't even notice it at the time. Just the feeling of being able to be happy and carefree was..nice, comforting even. After she got returned to normal, after that mission, she hadn't felt it. Yet years later, it came back, almost taunting her. When she wandered around the mall without her friends, she kept getting distracted by child's toys. Smoothies and latte desires got replaced by some strange desire for apple juice and chocolate milk.
Sam was confused. She knew nothing about what this was. She had a feeling she knew why she felt this way. The missions were emotionally exhausting. She remembered every time she'd had to fight Clover or Alex. She heard from her friends about the times she'd been brainwashed, even if it didn't lead to her fighting her pals. The immense guilt ate at her inside. How could she had let her guard down enough to be brainwashed? She was the leader, the brainiac...
Sam's mind began to feel fuzzy. The desire of comfort rose in her insides. Sam lay on her bed, unable to sleep as the thoughts persisted. Her eyes grew wet and before she could stop herself, she was crying. She wiped at her eyes desperately, trying to stop the tears, even though they just kept coming. She looked at the clock, and through bleary eyes, saw the time was 4:30. Another sleepless night, another commonality with the trauma of being brainwashed and not knowing when it would happen again?
Sometimes, she wished she weren't the leader, admittedly. It was times like this where she wished that she wasn't the leader. Even unofficially, the pressure still remained. It hurt immensely to feel in charge all the time. The fact neither Clover nor Alex said anything about wanting to be the leader only intensified that feeling. As the worries persisted, the fuzzy feeling and childish thoughts came at an even more intense pace. She was left fearful. Fear of being brainwashed again, yet fear of Clover and Alex seeing her this vulnerable.
Sam didn't sleep that night, the thoughts clashing and keeping her awake in fear.