Chapter Text
By the time winter break had approached, you’d drifted a far distance away from your friends. Sure, you’d spot them in the hallways and hear their names while passing through large crowds, but you didn’t stick around long enough after that to know more.
When you’d come back from Arizona, any shred left of your friendship, or their existence, had withered. At some point, your conscience had begged for you to ask around about them, albeit discreetly, but somehow, no luck.
You decided not to wallow over it, and move on, it was only… What, three years with Jean and nine with Connie and Sasha?
Though the thought pained you, as the realization that you’d lost your three closest friends due to your carelessness resurfaced every once in a while. You couldn’t do much about it, besides move on with your life and hopefully, if you’d ever see them again, be on good terms with them. All you could do was focus on the future, and so you did.
“Hannah, do you think she’ll ever get her nose out of that book?” Your friend teased.
“I don’t know, Mina, but maybe she will for tonight’s party!” Hannah tried to build up suspense to the surprise, but you paid the girls no mind as usual — you never paid anyone half a mind when you were studying.
“Boo!” Mina snuck up from behind you, but failed to surprise you.
“Hmm?” You asked, looking up from your textbook as you pulled your headphones out. “What’s going on?”
“Oh, nothing, just what could be the biggest party of the year!” Hannah shook her head in excitement, always happy to go to another party.
“You say that about every party, Han’.” You rolled your eyes as you smiled.
“No, trust me, this one’s the one!” She pleaded with you, widening her eyes. “Franz told me so, one of his teammates is throwing it!”
“Oh, yeah, he’s on the football team.” You remembered, wondering which one of the empty-minded dumb-asses was throwing the party – no offence to Hannah, or Franz for that matter.
“Yeah, and we have to be there!” Mina chimed in.
“Well.” You closed your textbook, getting up to gather your books. “I hope the two of you have lots of fun, but I have an English test I need to review my notes for, and-”
“No way.” MIna shook her head.
“Yeah, we’re not letting you go this time, (L/N)!” Hannah crossed her arms in the shape of an X.
“Guys, come on-”
“You want to miss out on what could be a core highschool memory?” Mina raised her eyebrows
“It’s our last year-”
“All the more reason! I’ve even picked out your outfit, and everything, come on!”
“ Mina .” You whined her name.
“(Y/N).” She said yours sternly.
“You know I don’t like parties. It smells like week-old sweat covered with a stench of AXE body spray, the drinks are probably spiked, and every guy there is trying to get into your pants! No offence, Hannah.”
“Well, that’s too bad, because your mom already approved.”
“What?!”
Mina shrugged, and your eyes glanced over to Hannah, who tried to avoid making contact with them.
“All Hannah had to do was mention a night out with the girls, and your mom said ‘yes’ almost instantly.” Mina explained, getting an elbow in the side from your other friend.
“You lied to my mother?”
“I think you should be more concerned with the fact that she doesn’t want you home. Do you, like, never go out or something?”
“I do!”
“Yeah, to the library.” Hannah chuckled, eliciting a laugh from Mina.
“It’s our last year, I obviously have to study!!”
“Too late. Now, let’s go over to my house and get ready!” Hannah clapped her hands together.
“What about my outfit?”
“Not for this night!”
“What do you mean by that?”
Mina chuckled, a mischievous glint evident in her eyes. “Just wait and see, (N/N).”
The breeze was warm on this particular night, and yet you couldn’t help but feel a chill run down your spine, time and time again. Franz, Hannah’s unofficial boyfriend (no matter how many times they’d denied it, no one believed them) had been your ride to the party.
“You all look good tonight. I had no idea (L/N) cleaned up nice.” He chuckled, earning a laugh from Mina.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” You crossed your arms.
“Oh, just that you dress like a boy most of the time.” He shrugged nonchalantly, and both of your friends laughed.
“There’s nothing wrong with that!”
“We know your outfits are cute, (N/N), but this night just called for change, that’s all!” Hannah patted your back lightly.
She had a point, you all looked absolutely stunning. As much as you hated to admit it, your makeover had given you somewhat of a confidence boost.
“If you’re going to make fun of me this whole night, I might as well go home.”
“Lighten up, babe, you know we love you.” Mina leaned her head on your shoulder from the backseat of the car.
You were seated right next to each other in the back of the car, while Hannah sat up front with Franz, who couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. You didn’t want to pay attention to their lovey-dovey bullshit, especially when they danced around each other every time they saw one another and none nor the other made a move. So instead, you focused on taking the small mirror in your purse out of its pouch and touching up any last details you might have missed.
“Ooh, let me!” Mina volunteered, so you handed her your kit, and the cosmetology guru got to work.
Lots of “Don’t move! Not a bit!” and “Franz, stop driving so carelessly!” and other phrases of the sort were coming from the back of the car, mostly from Mina, and even after he’d parked had she found a way to keep complaining.
“Almost… done…” She fixed up the last of your lashes before shoving the small mirror a smudge-free distance into your face. “Ta-da! What do you think? I’m good at what I do, aren’t I?”
“Wow…” you found yourself saying. “I don’t usually like this stuff on myself, but I have to admit you did a great job. You free to do this more often?”
Mina squealed with excitement as she clapped her hands repeatedly, what you assumed was an affirmative response.
“Okay, okay, let’s get in!” Giggled Hannah, and you all exited the car.
You and Mina were linked by the arms, walking behind Franz who had his arm wrapped around Hanna’s shoulders. You had to admit, you weren’t dreading this as much as you thought you would, but withheld that information from your friends incase of another excitable outburst. You let out a soft chuckle, feeling genuinely happy with the place you were in for the first time in a long time.
Before long, Franz and Hannah had disappeared and, to you and Mina’s guess, began making out on one of the couches on the first floor. She’d pulled you into the kitchen to get a drink first, but you’d denied and watched as she took your share. After that, she went upstairs and made a pit stop at each of the rooms, where you’d either seen something explicit, or a game that would lead to something explicit.
She stopped in front of a room where each person was taking turns to play what seemed to be “spin the bottle”. She squealed once again at the chance of kissing someone, dashing instantly into the room, with you in tow. Once you’d adjusted on the floor in your very, for lack of a better term, temptingly uncomfortable outfit, you noticed that the room contained a small bathroom within it.
Mina picked up the bottle to spin it, but before she could, a couple – Franz and Hannah – exited the bathroom, looking dishevelled and feverish. You looked towards her, scanning for some sort of reaction to your newfound realization, but Mina was as excited as ever and eager to spin the bottle. The cheers surrounding you must’d been for the couple who were now taking their seats, right next to each other, after playing a round of 7 minutes in heaven .
Among the loud shouts of praise, a voice entered the room, “what’s going on here?”
You had much to say to your friend and her “just a friend”, but your heart dropped, because you recognized that voice immediately, and had imagined yourself and it in situations like this more than you’d liked to admit.
Franz was the first to speak up, “hey, hey, hey! How’s the party-thrower doin’?”
“Just fine, man, what about you? Havin’ fun?”
Franz blushed at that, punching the other man in the arm. “Shut up, Jean .”
Your gaze was directed toward Hannah, who looked just as embarrassed and nodded towards Mina to get your attention off of her, who happened to be seated right next to Jean.
You felt your whole body grow warm and all you wanted to do was get out of what could become an embarrassing situation for you, but you stayed still. Hannah patted your knee, albeit folded up strangely, and somehow calmed your nerves.
A thousand thoughts ran through your mind – this was Jean’s house, you were here, dressed like this, you were playing spin the bottle, it was spinning, Mina spun it, it landed on a most-likely horny football player, Mina was probably thinking the same thing as he was, she left to go to the bathroom with him, the spot between you and Jean was empty, it was his turn to spin.
For the next seven minutes, you remained silent. The rambunctious chatter of the other football players was enough to fill the room, but you were still confused as to why Jean wouldn’t join them. You tried to distract yourself by talking to Hannah, but you saw that the game had opened up a new perspective for her and Franz, so you let them be – who knew, maybe this time one or the other would finally confess their overtly-obvious feelings.
You attempted to put your knees up to the best of your abilities without showing too much, but the best you could muster was burying your face in them as you held your purse in front of you. You couldn’t tell if Jean was looking at you, or wanted to. Your heart pounded so loudly you wondered if anyone else could hear it. You hope he didn’t. Why was it even pounding? Was it because you hadn’t seen him in so long and wondered if you were even welcome here?
Once again, you tried to distract yourself – this time with thoughts of Sasha and Connie. Were they here? If so, where were they? Should you try to look for them after, or would that be a waste of time, because you weren’t even sure if they were at Jean’s party? The best way to know would be to ask him, and you’d stopped thinking altogether because your thoughts always led back to him.
Finally, Mina and her fling exited the bathroom. She was wearing a large jacket that didn’t belong to her, almost swallowed in the oversized article of clothing, something she’d never wear over such a cute outfit. Her face was glowing, and although you didn’t want to know why, you assumed it was because she seemed so happy. Good for you, Mina , you thought… and now it was Jean’s turn. His lean frame didn’t need to do much to get the bottle, and with an expertly flick of his wrist, did he give it a good spin. You were watching the bottle spin in excruciating suspense, hoping it landed before you or after you, hoping the game ended before it was your turn to spin, before it landed on you.
You were so focused on the spinning of the bottle that you didn’t realize it’d stopped. The cheers grew loud, louder than they were before and after the well-known couple-not-couple had been chosen. You assume it was because the party-thrower and captain of the football team was the one spinning. It wasn’t until Hannah nudged you that you realized the bottle had landed on you. You couldn’t believe it, letting out a dark chuckle directed towards whatever fate had sentenced you to. It wasn’t until Jean got up that the reality of having to go inside the suddenly-dreaded bathroom with him hit.
He stood in front of you, hand held out to pull you up. You handed him your purse, standing up to discreetly pull at the hem of your dress to make sure nothing hiked up while you walked. You headed on in front of him, and he followed behind as the bellows grew more personal. You assumed that none of these empty-brained football players knew who you were – in fact, that none of the people who attended this party knew you, besides your friends – so why were they cheering the two of you on?
Jean stopped directly in front of the bathroom. “We don’t have to do this. If you want, we can stop playing the game completely.”
You had a feeling that there was more going on than you were aware of, especially when the person who was throwing the party didn’t want to participate in one of its games. So you replied boldly. “And ruin everyone’s fun?”
He huffed out a defeated breath, placing his hand on the small of your back and entering behind you, sure to lock the door after him.
The two of you didn’t talk at first. He leaned against the door with his hands in the pockets of his pants, and from the looks of it, he’d had his fair share of fun (his sleeves looked like they were rolled up hastily, and the first few buttons of his shirt were open – not that you were looking, of course). You remained on the toilet, your hands resting on the sides as your purse laid in your lap, wondering why such a small bathroom existed in such a fairly sizable house, and why you’d never been here before. You were right, there was more to Jean than you’d known.
“You look different. Not what I expected.” He pondered over his word choice.
“You’re the last one who gets to talk about surprises, Kirstein.” You replied, his last name unfamiliar on your tongue and to his ears.
“It’s not a bad thing. I think you look really good, but it’s just not your style.”
He had a point. You wore a short, white dress with puffy short sleeves and a very short hem — the dress was Mina’s, meaning it’d be even smaller on you. She was 4’8”, for the record. Your makeup and hair were done very well, but you’d never come up with something like this on your own.
You were at a party, in an unfamiliar dress, among an unfamiliar crowd, doing things you didn't normally do. For the first time in a long time, you let yourself reminisce on memories of your old friendship. You’d never missed it as much as you did now.
Your heart softened, your face falling into your hands as you let out a groan. “What the hell am I doing?”
He slid down the door, until he was sitting on the floor. He had to fold up his legs because there wasn't enough room for him to sit comfortably with them out. “What the hell are we all doing?” He chuckled.
You let out a chuckle in return to his. You didn’t know whether to ask how he’d been doing or tell him it’d been too long. You said neither, because he spoke first.
“I’m not one to judge, sorry about that.”
“I didn’t know you had such a nice house.”
“Yeah…” he said, because he knew there was a lot you didn’t know about him.
You let out a relieved sigh, almost as if you’d been holding in a breath you didn’t know of, scampering off the toilet to sit on the floor. If you turned around to face the toilet, you’d be sitting right next to Jean – another reminder of how small the bathroom was. You wanted to ask him how long you had left, but you didn’t want to sound eager for your time to end, because you truly didn’t want it to.
“It’s February.” He pointed out, like you hadn’t known.
“Yeah?” You questioned.
“It’s been more than half a year since we’ve had a proper conversation. It’s been seven months of us bullshitting each other.”
You were speechless at first, until you found an opportunity to slip in a joke, “you think we can fit seven months of catching up into these seven minutes?”
He laughed with you, despite the underlying tones of the joke. “Seven months, and you’re somewhat the same (Y/N).”
“Did I really change that much?” You laugh. “How’ve you been, Jean?”
“The past doesn’t matter,” he patted the spot next to him, mere centimetres from your tucked-in knees. “Because right now, I’m doing really good.” You eagerly turned around and shuffled closer. Your shoulders were really close together.
“Well, of course. You’re in my company.” You whispered, because he was just that close to you.
You turned to face him, only to find him already facing you. You were suddenly self-conscious of the smell of your breath. His eyes trailed down, lower than your lips, giving your dress a slight up-and-down scan before focusing his eyes. “Have I mentioned how good you look already?”
“You might’ve given me a backhanded compliment or two.”
He was asking himself why you wouldn’t stop bantering with him for once, why you wouldn’t be left speechless with what he had to say. Maybe he’d have to shut you up his own way. “You should already know how good you look, if not because of me then because of the stares you’re getting out there.”
“I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t looking. Besides, you should already know this isn’t really my style.”
“You wanna know just how good you look? Because I can show you.” His face was already leaning towards yours.
“Open up, lovebirds!” One of Jean’s obnoxious teammates banged on the door. “Time’s up!”
Jean let out a loud exhale through his nose, head leaning back against the door and his adam's apple looking as prominent as ever. “I’m coming, dumbass! Give me a bit!” He shouted in return.
A few Ooh!’s and Ah!’s could be heard from outside the bathroom, and Jean was eager to open the door and shut them up. Before he could, you tug on his arm, almost instantly calming him down as he turned to face you.
He helped you up, watching as your gaze redirected itself to the small window next to the mirror of the bathroom, directly behind the toilet. “You ever snuck out of there before?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s possible, yeah.”
You tugged on his hand. “Let’s go.”
Once again, he sighed. “To tell you the truth, I want to ditch this party and go anywhere you want as long as you’re with me.” He was still whispering. “But I’m still the host of this party, and I can’t really trust those guys here alone.”
You offered a nod, though part of you believed that he was letting you down easy, just like that time at the festival. He unlocked the door, shouting something you couldn’t bring yourself to try to listen to at his teammates and other partygoers, anyone who was participating in the game, all while holding your hand.
Now that you weren’t trapped within a bathroom and Jean was occupied, you were free to think about a lot of things. What did he mean about “all those stares”? You weren’t paid much attention at school, besides your teachers and friends, and occasionally classmates…
Jean’s hand left yours, trailing around your waist to where you thought he was going to let it rest. Instead, he did what you’d been doing throughout the party right after getting up from sitting down for a long time.
Readjusting the hem of your dress.
He went to take a seat around the not-so-perfect circle, and instead of patting the empty spot next to him, his hands rested in his lap. If your head wasn’t so full of him, you would’ve thought that he’d patted his thighs.
You took a seat next to him. He leaned into your ear, “hang around a little while longer, yeah?”
The tension between you and Jean was more than just back, alright.
When you returned home from the party that day, feeling the tiredness through your bones but feeling the adrenaline rush through your veins, you made the decision of calling Ymir – a hobby you’d gotten back into doing after anything intense happened.
You thought back to the way you felt in Arizona; free, happy, and somehow beginning to look forward to a rude awakening (courtesy of Ymir). Even after going to the party and seeing Jean, you still wanted to go back, and now that college application deadlines were approaching, it wouldn’t hurt to write one more.
You were surprised to see that she’d already made an attempt to call you.
“Hey?” You brought the telephone handle up to your ear, noticing you had other voice messages and missed calls to answer.
“Hey, I thought you would’ve called by now.” She sounded worried, but you were sure she was just excited, assuming she’d read your mind already.
You chuckled, “yeah, I should’ve called earlier, but at least I’m calling now. I was hoping you’d help me come to a decision.”
“Decision? Decision about what? The answer should be clear.”
“Really? I thought you’d try to push me to try other options, better ones, even.”
“What are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about? I’m thinking of sending an application out to your local college.”
“Huh?! I’m talking about Reiner calling you!”
“Reiner called?”
“Wait, wait, wait, you’ve just picked up the phone and the first thing you did was call me about your application, right?”
“Yeah… That’s exactly what I did, why?”
“You still don’t know…” She trailed off.
“Don’t know what?” You moved the handle closer to your face, now held by two hands.
Some shuffling could be heard from the other end of the line, almost as if the telephone was held a distance from her face. “How many missed calls do you have?”
“I can check.”
“End the call and let me know.”
“Alright.” You do as she said.
You had almost ten in total, with two missed calls from Ymir, and the rest from Reiner. Your finger slipped over a button… and you’d accidentally dialled him back. You were sure it was really late by now, that he was probably asleep already and that he wouldn’t notice that you’d given him a ring.
“Hello?” He rasped into the phone.
“Hi…” you trailed off into silence. “Sorry for not picking up earlier, I had no idea you’d called.”
“It’s no problem, are you free to talk now?”
“Oh, uhm, I’m free to talk, yeah.” It always made you a little nervous talking to someone older than you (even if there wasn’t a large age difference), and his seriousness made you feel so all the more. “Haven’t spoken to you in a while, was wonderin’ what you were up to.” He sounded different. When you didn’t say anything for a while, he chuckled, “I was thinkin’ a little about life in San Francisco, I wanted you to tell me more about it.” His voice wavered in and out of the telephone, almost as if he was doing something while calling you.
“What would you like to know?”
You had to wait a little before you got an answer. “Colleges, jobs, money, the stuff you’re starting to worry about.”
You chuckled, realizing he’d called you for the same reason you had Ymir.
“What’s so funny?”
“It’s just that I was talking to Ymir about the same thing earlier.”
“Oh, yeah? Where are you planning to go?”
“I was thinking of applying somewhere in Arizona, actually.”
“So I’d get to see you more, sweet.”
You let out a chuckle, and he did the same to match. “What was it that you needed?” You asked, feeling the atmosphere grow awkward. Almost as if everyone you knew was holding something back from you.
“I was thinking, y’know,” he said as if it were the most casual thing, “of comin’ out to see you.”
“Huh?” You said before you could even comprehend. “I mean, in the middle of the school year? What about college?”
“Don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine.”
Would it really be fine? You barely knew Reiner, in fact just getting to know him, and yet here he was already imposing a plan to come and see you. You feel uncomfortable with the situation, and guilty of not heeding Ymir’s warning.
“Hey, could we talk about this later? Ymir keeps calling me and I really need to get back to her.” You excused yourself.
“Yeah, sure.” He didn’t sound convinced.
“You know how she is, impatient and demanding, you know?” You were repeating yourself and hoped Reiner didn’t notice it.
Why were you so worried? Reiner was a nice guy, who’d made you feel happier than you had in weeks. Why were you pushing him away? Why was Ymir so worried about him in the first place, could this be why?
Reiner had ended the call; it seemed that you’d taken too long to take a course of action.
So you rang Ymir up.
“What took you so long?” She said, sounding angry but you knew her concern came from worry.
“Sorry, sorry, I dialled him by accident, I didn’t know what to do, I ended the call though, Reiner was the other missed calls and messages.” You rambled into the phone.
Somehow, Ymir understood what you meant. “Calm down, it’s fine. Why are you so worried?”
“I don’t know! He said he wanted to come here, I got confused because I barely know him and panicked because you kept warning me about him!”
“Oh, shit…” Ymir said into the phone, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. “I guess it’s a bad time to tell you this, but I was suspicious of Reiner for the right reasons.”
“What… what do you mean?”
“I’ve always thought Reiner to be too close for comfort. The man knew exactly what to say to get you to trust him, even if he meant the exact opposite. At first I thought it was just me, because I don’t like those who are friendly, but I realized I was right as of late.”
“Ymir, what’s going on?”
“He’s in a gang, (Y/N).”