Chapter Text
Y/N sat with her back pressed against the wagon that Ray was in, massaging the space between her brows. Her body was aching and her mind was restless. Some soldiers came up to her for orders, but she just waved them quickly away. If she opened her mouth to give an order, she’d probably start to cry. Every other minute she had to stop herself from instinctively calling out for her squad because they weren’t with her. And each time, there was a stabbing pain in her heart, and tears would collect into her eyes. There was a sudden commotion that made Y/N raise her eyes.
Two figures had just burst out of the woods, one of them holding a body. Y/N scrambled to her feet as she recognized Levi’s form stumbling as he landed. Beside him was Mikasa who was hanging her head shamefully. Eren’s body was being held gently by Levi as the two of them walked toward the troops.
A soldier stopped Levi gesturing with his hands. Levi nodded and passed Eren over and Mikasa followed the soldier as he walked off with the body. She was about to follow when she noticed something off. Each time Levi stepped, he would wince.
Her heart began to pound again, and the anxiety that had been knawing at her all day was threatening to spill over.
Levi noticed Y/N standing in the midst of Scouts frantically trying to attend to each other and the corpses so they could fully retreat. She was slightly shaking, her eyes wide with fear. She rushed forward, taking Levi off guard, and stopped in front of him her hands hovering over his body.
“You’re hurt,” she whispered, her eyes washing over every surface inch. Levi couldn’t meet her eyes.
“They’re dead,” he murmured. Y/N inhaled sharply.
“Who?” she asked her body freezing up. “Levi who?”
Levi didn’t want to tell her. Knowing Y/N, the news of her squad dead had already shaken Y/N’ to her core. But to know his squad was dead as well? It would be unbearable to hear.
“Petra, Ourou, Eld, Gunther,” Levi listed their names in a monotone voice, their faces flashing in his brain. Y/N’s face crumbled as she covered her mouth. She was still for a moment, before wrapping her arms around his neck. Levi leaned into her touch, resting his forehead on her shoulder. He was so tired.
“I’m sorry Levi,” she murmured into his ear as she rubbed the back of his head. His heart twisted and if it weren’t for the dozens of soldiers around them, he might’ve just broken down on the spot. But they were surrounded by their comrades, and they were probably becoming aware of their two superiors hugging in the middle of chaos. The fact that they could realize how much he cared for Y/N scared him. It seemed like everyone he loved always slipped away from him and he couldn’t stand to lose Y/N. He didn’t want anyone to take her from him.
Little did he know that their comerades had noticed, and they noticed long ago. They noticed when Levi pulled his punches during their training matches, when Y/N would harshly scold anyone who dare insult Levi behind his back and in front of her. Those in the scouts who had been there a while knew. It was blatantly obvious to everyoen but them, how much the two loved eachother. As soilders milled about the grounds, they would take short glances at their two superiors and give eachother knowing looks.
“Y/N! Levi!” Someone called, and the two pulled apart. Nanaba slowly jogged to a stop beside them, her blonde hair shining in the sun.
“We’re going into full retreat back to the walls in a few moments,” she told them and than reached out to wipe off dried blood from Y/N’s lip.
“You two ok?” she asked worridly.
Y/N and Levi exchanged a glance, and an understanding passed between them. There would be time to mourn later. They still had to surive. Levi watched as Y/N put on her facade, as her shoulders sagged in fake relief, and a smile burst onto her cheeks.
“I’m alright, exhausted though.” Y/N smiled. Nabana glanced at Levi waiting for a response and he nodded as well.
“Good, let’s go get our horses,” Nabana said wrapping an arm around Y/N. Y/N quickly scurried out.
“I need to check on Ray before we go,” Y/N called as she ran in the direction of the wagons.
“Ray?” Nabana asked Levi as they watched her stop in front of a wagon and jump in.
“He was injured,”
“I didn’t know he surived,” Nabana murmured, “She’s doing it again.”
“I know, the brat thought you didn’t know her squad died and didn’t want you coddling her.”
Nabana scowled and lightly slapped his shoulder. “I don’t coddle her,”
“You do,” Levi turned, “Whatever, I need to get my horse.”
“Levi how’s your squad?” Nabana asked, and Levi froze for a millisecond, a fine on his lips. But they weren’t fine. They were-
“Dead,” Levi murmured, eyes on the floor.
“Oh god, Levi I’m sorry-,”
“It’ll be fine, we need to go,” he interrupted, marching toward his horse, trying not to wince with every step.
Meanwhile Y/N froze when she reached the wagon. A girl was kneeling beside Ray and there was another body laid next to him.
“Mikasa?” Y/N gasped causing the girl to look up. Y/N rushed forward and threw her arms around her.
“Oh my god, Mika,” she cried, tears springing into her eyes.
“Y/N,” Mikasa whispered into her hair. Y/N hugged her tight, her heart pounding. It was the first time she had seen her since Mikasa had joined the cadet corps.
“Are you alright?” Y/N pulled away grabbing Mikasa’s face and turning it so she could see if there were any scratches.
“Yes,” Mikasa blushed looking down at her hands. “But Eren is-” she motioned with her hands while glancing at his unconscious body.
“I think he’ll be ok,” Y/N smiled, I mean Eren was always getting hurt, this wasn’t anything new.
The wagon had started to move, and Y/N winced. Her horse was somewhere around the area, and would probably follow Levi so she didn’t have to leave just yet, but she also felt bad for leaving her horse alone. They sat in silence staring at the two unconscious boys. Y/N slumped against the side of the wagon and leaned back, glancing at the sky. Her head still hurt and she was waiting for it to stop pounding so she could get up and look for her horse.
“Y/N, I messed up,” Mikasa said suddenly, eyes wide. Y/N glanced at Mikasa, who looked so ashamed, it made Y/N’s heart twist. She put a hand on her forearm and gave it a small squeeze.
“How bad kid?”
“When we were fighting the titan, I-I wanted to kill her.”
Y/N nodded, “Ok,”
“Captain Levi told me that we should just get Eren and leave, but I was so angry. I saw an opening and I went to kill her, but it was a trap and I almost was killed.” Mikasa pushed her hair behind her ears, staring at Eren.
“I just wanted her dead for hurting Eren and if it weren’t for Levi, I would’ve died. He got hurt instead,” Mikasa glanced at her, with her eyes shining.
“I’m so sorry Y/N, I almost got him killed, and I feel terrible.”
Y/N shook her head with a smile, “Levi wouldn’t go out that easily, but I understand.” she reached out and ruffled Mikasa’s hair.
“You need to be careful on expeditions, you can’t allow your emotions to guide you because like you saw, you’re most likely going to be killed. Once this is all over, go apologize to Levi or something,”
Mikasa wrinkled her nose, gently picking up Eren’s hand and holding it. “Ok,”
Y/N laughed and pulled Mikasa to her side, hugging her with one arm. “Why that face?”
“I’ll apologize, i just don’t like Captain Levi.” she grumbled.
“How come?”
“He beat Eren up in the court room!” Mikasa’s eyes flashed angrily as she held Eren’s hand tenderly.
“Ah,” Y/N nodded, “Yeah I remember that shit, and I wont forget it either.”
“He’s so cocky for such a short man!” Mikasa rambled and Y/N snorted. She sat up to take off her green cloak and gently placed it over Ray’s body. Mikasa reminded her of herself a couple years back.
“-I’m sorry Y/N but he’s a punk,” Mikasa stated crossing her arms as Y/N stood on the moving wagon and whistled for her horse.
“Why are you sorry?” she asked as she glanced at her surroundings, they were still a bit far from the wall but give it 20 minutes and they would be home.
“I mean people said-well never mind,” Mikasa’s face grew a few shades red. Y/N glanced at her suspiciously. Her horse joined them beside the wagon and Y/N stretched her arms.
“Ok” she drawled, “I’m going to ignore that comment, uh- but I gotta go.”
Mikasa nodded and Y/N bent down to give Mikasa a quick peck on the forehead. When she stood, shouts caught her attention. She turned backwards and watched in dread as several titans chased after a lone pair of scouts on horses.
“Are you fucking kidding me,” she spat. Y/N patted her pockets for a shot gun to send a signal, but she had no more flares.Mika sat up and peered toward the scene.
“What is it-oh,”
“Mika stay here, I’ll be back,” Y/N said and jumped onto her horse and steered it towards the back of the formation.
“Those dumbasses,” she murmured watching as they dropped the body they were carrying. She glanced foward at the rest of the scouts, who were galloping at an exhausted pace. She sighed in relief as someone shot a red flare into the sky. Unfortunetly, they needed to go faster in order to outrun the titans, but everyone was tired. Her eyes landed on the wagons carrying dead bodies and a thought appeared in her head, making her feel sick.
“Soilder!” she shouted, and a boy whipped around on his horse. “Tell the soldiers on the wagons to unload the dead bodies,”
“What?” his face warped into shock.
“Do what I say, please.”
ODM gear wasn’t going to work on flat land, so they were essentially screwed. The soilder frantically galloped toward the wagons and started shouting her orders and Y/N glanced back at the titans. They two dumb soldiers were about to be killed, and Y/N followed her instinct. She forced her horse into a gallop toward the titan, and threw herself off her horse to slice the titans arm as it raised a soldier to his mouth. Using the falling arm, she pushed herself forward to slice it’s nape. Once she landed she wiped her cheek of titan blood, glancing at the incoming titans.
“I was never going to get a break was I?” she murmured to herself. The soldier picked himself up from the floor trembling. Poor fool, her mother’s voice echoed in her head as she watched him look around lost for his horse.
Y/N jogged forward placing an arm around his shoulder. “C’mon, you need your horse if you want to survive.”
She dragged more then walked him to his horse. The poor boy was so in shock at what had just happened, he could barely function. She ushered him onto his horse, and slapped the horse’s side to make it start jogging. The ground began to shake and she glanced backwards to see more titans on the way.
She turned toward her horse, who was a pacing a few yards down, and sprinted towards her. In between breaths she whistled twice, and her horse’s ears perked up. It began to slowly gallop,waiting for her to meet her. When Y/N neared a tree she used it to swing herself onto her horse, landing harshly. In the distance she could see Levi yelling orders at a wagon that was trailing behind. A titan was nearing it, and Y/N could do nothing but watch. She couldn’t use any gear because there weren’t any trees. Suddenly she spotted a shadow above her and she yanked her horse out of the way as the titan she was nearing tried to grab her.
She smoothly outran the titan, but there were dead bodies to dodge as the wagons dumped them off. She kept her eyes ahead, trying not to imagine one of those bodies to be Celia’s or Eld’s. After a few moments they outran the titan’s completely and the formation paused to reasses their plan of how to get back with the least amount of casualties.
Y/N thanked the gods that they stopped as she had gotten extremely nauseous from all the galloping and flying on the ODM gear. She hopped off her horse and puked on the grass.
“Blegh!” someone hissed and she looked up with a scowl, wiping her mouth. A brunette and bald kid were staring at her slightly disgusted. When they realized who she was the brunette gasped and covered her mouth as the bald boy giggled at the girl. Y/N marched away annoyed, horse rein in hand.
“You did not just laugh at Captain Grys,” she heard the boy laugh.
“I didn’t know it was her!” the girl cried, “Now she’ll hate me!”
Y/N rolled her eyes as she searched for the nearest person with a map and a canteen of water.
The sound of the bells used to bring her relief. It meant that they had survived another expedition. But this time she felt ashamed as she rode through the gates of Wall Rose. She rode beside the wagons, and the bare wooden planks just served as a reminder of how many had died and were left behind.
The scouts were met with angry crowds as they made their way through town. A tomato hit the soldier in front of her, and the poor girl didn’t even bother to wipe it off her arm. As she rode to the front of the formation, all she saw was the usual pained expressions of her comrades. She spotted Levi in the distance and decided to join him. As she made her way towards him she spotted a familiar man stop him in the street. Y/N’s stomach plummeted as she recgonzed Petra’s father speaking with Levi. She quickly moved to reach them, sensing Levi’s discomfort from where she was at.
“Mr. Ral!” she said breathlessly, jumping off her horse. The man’s face brightened when he saw her.
“Captain Grys! I was just telling Captain Levi about the letter Petra wrote.” He smiled, waving a letter in his hand.
“Oh-”
“Petra has always been a wild spirit and she’s told us how much she loves you and Captain Levi. I wanted to thank you guys for taking care of her on the field since I can’t. Anyways, Petra’s such a wild spirit so I worry for her you know? And recently she mentioned this boy named Ray and that she claims she’s in love with!”
Y/N let out a strangled cry that came out more like a gasp. Mr. Ral mistook it as a shocked gasp and nodded along.
“-I know! Young people fall in love to quickly-”
Y/N’s throat felt like it was shrinking and her eyes burned with tears as she listened to him babble on about Petra. Suddenly the shouting increased and more things were being thrown at them. Petra’s father scowled at the crowd.
“How dare they throw things! They don’t know what it’s like to be outside the walls,” he growled. She wondered if he had known that his daughter was dead if he’d be there beside the crowd throwing things as well.
“Mr. Ral-I’m so sorry,” she croaked stopping in front of him. He peered down at her in confusion, and his oblivious expression made her feel worse.
“-Petra was killed fighting a titan shifter,” Levi told him, stepping beside her. His presence comforted her a bit, preparing her for what was about to happen.
“W-what?” His smile cracked and his face warped.
“She fought extremely well to the last breath,” Y/N said, “I can’t express to you how d-devastaed we are.”
“And the titan shifter? Where are they? Will they be brought to court for their crimes?” The man cried, face wet with tears.
“We couldn’t capture her without more casualties,” Levi stated his eyes dim.
“So Petra died for nothing?” the man said taking a step back.
“No!” Y/N cried, “She didn’t, she didn’t die for nothing.”
“Where’s her body?” the man sniffed.They stayed quiet for a moment, neither of them wanting to tell him. “Where is she?”
“Missing in action,” Levi murmured and the man inhaled sharply.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” The man said before turning and walking quickly away. Y/N stared as he disappeared into the crowd, tears slipping down her face. It seemed like Levi wanted to say something, but he remained silent.
Once they left town, Y/N and Levi were instructed to take Eren back to Scout headquarters while they figured out a way to keep Eren away from the government. As soon as she reached the castle, she went straight to her room. Her leg had started to ache again, as it always did when she was stressed or upset. After the injury she had sustained years ago, her leg never healed right.
She didn’t bother lighting a candle as she peeled off her bloodied uniform and tossed it into a corner, probably to never be worn again. She looked for her nightclothes in the darkness, slipping it in the least pain inducing way as possible. She crawled onto her bed and closed her eyes, waiting for sleep to whisk her away.
But it didn’t come.
She lay there awake, tossing and turning, for nearly 20 minutes. Her mind wouldn’t calm down, and every time she closed her eyes, she could see Reid’s decapaitaid head in the dirt. Y/N couldn’t stand it anymore and she rolled out of bed. Her feet began to lead her out her room, and she didn’t realize where she was headed until she reached Levi’s door. She raised a hesitant hand to the wooden door. What if he was sleeping? Or what if he didn’t want to be bothered?
Pushing the thoughts out of her head, she knocked quickly and yanked her hand away as she stood awkwardly at the door. Footsteps could be heard and suddenly Levi opened the door. He was in a loose cream shirt and brown trousers, and his hair was all touseled. His eyes widened a bit when he saw her.
Y/N opened her mouth and than closed it. She suddenly didn’t knwo what to say and she probably looked like a fish.
“Can I-uh, stay here tonight?” she choked out. Levi’s brows raised but he nodded, opening the door for her to walk in. As Levi closed his door, Y/N threw herself onto his desk chair, resting her cheek on the cool oak wood.
“What are you doing?” Levi asked
“Trying to sleep,” she murmured, turning to face him. He stared at her with an almost amused expression on his face.
“Not on my desk,” he told her as he walked towards her. “Go to the bed, I’ll sleep here.”
“What?!” she shrieked raising her head from the table. “No!”
“I did it last night, and I’ll do it again,” Levi pulled the chair she was sitting on away from the table. Where he had found the strength to drag her away after a chaotic and disturbing expedition-she had no idea.
“I hated that,” she breathed out, “I like sleeping on desks, you could’ve just let me sleep there.”
“Do you hear yourself?” Levi sqautted down so they we're eye-level. “You sound stupid,”
“Levi,” she gave him a look, “I slept through all my classes in middle school, I’m a desk sleeper pro,”
“Go. To. Bed.” Levi glared. She glared back, adjusting herself so she could be a bit taller than him.
“I’m not kicking you out of your bed again,” Y/N stated. Levi exhaled, blowing a few blakc strands otu of his face. Instead of responding, he tilted forward, grabbed her sides, and carried her to the bed. Y/N shrieked as he used the side of his foot to push the chair back into the cave in the desk.
“You’re hurt! What are you doing?” she cried, wanting to squirm out of his grip, but also not wanting to hurt him in the process. Levi carried her to his bed, and just before he was going to drop her onto the mattress, Y/N hooked calves around his sides, pulling him down beside her. The wind was knocked out of her, but she turned to face Levi who lay still beside her.
“If I’m sleeping here, so are you.” Y/N ordered before wiggling around to get out from above the covers.
“But-”
“-No,” Y/N interrupted, “Just help me out, so we wont get cold.”
Levi shut up and wordlessly helped her cover themselves with the blankets. There was a gaping space between them that screamed with brimming tension. Y/N tried to sleep again, but it was useless. Levi felt so far away and god she just wanted to make sure he was ok. But she didn’t know how to ask without him lying. She felt so unsure of herself, of the world, of her future. Before she at least knew who the enemy was, and that Levi would be there for her always. But both those things changed, Levi could’ve been killed and she had no idea who was her enemy. It felt like she was freefalling.
“Levi?” she whispered, unsure if he had fallen asleep.
“Yeah?” he murmured, and in the dim light, she could see that he was awake.
She turned on her side to face him, “Thank you for saving Mikasa today,”
His eyes remained on the ceiling, “I know she means a lot to you,” was all he said.
“I’m glad you’re still with me,” she whispered, her emotions suddenly catching up to her. Tears slipped off her cheek and made the pillowcase wet. Her words made Levi glance at her, and when he saw that she was crying, his heart twisted. He reached out with a hand and gently wiped a tear off her cheek. Y/N suddenly shot foward, and collided into his chest, wrapping her arms around him. Instantly, Levi embraced her sobbing body, smoothing the hair on her head.
“You scared me today,” Levi grunted, wrapping a finger around a curl. “I thought I had lost you,”
Y/N pulled away from Levi’s chest and wiped her face. “You couldn’t lose me even if you tried.”
“I don’t care, don’t do that again.” Levi grumbled grabbing the sides of her face with her hands. She was beautiful, even after crying, even after fighting titans, even when she was bloodied. Levi had the sudden urge to kiss her right there, but he was too afraid. “Promise me I won’t lose you,”
“Promise,” Y/N smiled before pulling away to snuggle into his side. Levi moved his arm so Y/N could lay her head in the crook of his shoulder. It was a switch had been flipped and the anxiety from the day started to dissipatate. She felt safe in Levi’s arms;safe and warm and so very loved. With his other hand, Levi began to trace designs on her arms and her forehead. The little gesture made her heart warm, and her eyes heavy. Before sleep could pull her in, Y/N had to tell him something. She had realized it on the way back from the expedition and she didn’t care if he responded not, she just wanted him to know.
“Levi, I love you,” she whispered. There was a moment of silence but than Levi sighed.
“I love you too angel,”