Chapter Text
How many times does it take having to perform the exact same action before it becomes easy? Daichi had met Suga for the first time dozens of times before, but for some reason he couldn't get up the courage to walk up to him in this cafe. It felt different this time. The air felt heavier, like there were even more consequences this time around. He felt sick, like one wrong move could mean the end of everything. The rules had somehow changed.
***
Daichi had never looked for Suga, always letting fate bring them together on its own, but this time he did. He found himself searching subconsciously everywhere he went, paying extremely close attention to his surroundings and the people he encountered. Any person passing him on the street could be Suga and he couldn't wait for the day that it was.
When Daichi graduated high school in 1990 he chose to move to New York City for college, the most populated city in the US, majoring in illustration. He knew every face in every one of his classes but none of them were Suga's. He went out every weekend, hoping to find him, and every night he wondered if he'd ruined everything by trying to control fate.
Winter came and gone, his birthday passed along with the New Year, and he was desperate.
His grades were starting to slip. The professors were fed up with the lack of variations in his art, almost every piece included the moon or flowers or a certain silver haired individual. They wanted more from him but his mind was hardwired to Suga and nothing else mattered.
Daichi's portfolio was due by the end of the week so one night he decided to stay in and finish it instead of meandering around the city like he usually did. He attempted to work for a few hours but the quiet loneliness of his cramped dorm room was deafening. Gathering his pencils and sketchpad he wandered out into the crisp night, searching campus for a place to work.
He chose the concert hall. There was always someone practicing inside and the echoing music was just enough to take the lonely edge off of the wide empty space. Daichi slipped in, taking a seat far in the back without disturbing the musician.
They continued to play as Daichi took out his pencils and began his work, the slow violin music calming his nerves. He hadn't felt so at ease in months. The soft notes unfolded around him like a warm embrace, drawing him away from the hall and into his thoughts.
His mind wandered to the only place it ever went; his memories of Suga. It felt like his lives, only including the time he spent with Suga, had been growing shorter and shorter, like his time was running out and soon he wouldn't have a chance at all. He was fighting against time, against the world, against himself. It was a battle he couldn't win, but one he would never give up on. He would never give up on Suga.
The music changed, the slow steady notes picking up and morphing into something quicker and lighter. It was warm, bright and familiar. Daichi looked down at his paper, covered in doodles of daisy chains and thin fingers plucking at guitar strings, and his heart skipped a beat. He knew this song. The notes were the same as he'd heard while sitting on blue shag carpeting, surrounded by love and music. This was Suga's song.
Daichi stood up suddenly, his pencils and sketchpad clattering to the floor, echoing through the empty hall. The music stopped and the boy onstage looked up, startled, familiar chocolate brown eyes meeting dark umber. It was silent as both boys stared, neither moving, unsure of what to do.
Daichi's mind was racing, heart pounding. Suga had never shown any sign of remembering before. There had been coincidences but never anything like this. He remembered. Daichi could feel it. This was what he had been waiting for for so long.
Daichi practically vaulted over the rows of seats separating him and the stage, stopping before the very frightened looking boy holding the violin.
"Suga!" He exclaimed, physically holding himself back from running his fingers through that silky silver hair.
"Excuse me?" He asked tentatively, eyes narrowing.
"It's me! It's Daichi!" His chest was starting to constrict, this wasn't right.
"I'm sorry I don't think we've met," Suga said politely, picking up his instrument and turning toward the exit.
Daichi's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist.
"Please don't go. Tell me you remember me," he whispered. This couldn't be happening. He remembered. He had to remember. There was no way that song was a coincidence.
Suga pulled his wrist from Daichi's grasp.
"I'm really sorry but no I don't. I have to get back to my dorm now," he answered, still trying to be polite.
Daichi's desperation was building up inside his aching chest, threatening to explode. And it did.
"Your name is Sugawara Koushi!" he yelled, words flowing from deep within him, unstoppable. "Your birthday is June 13th, you hate to swim, you sing like an angel, your lips taste like honey, and you have four other freckles just like the one under your eye and I've kissed them all! There's a birthmark like a scar right over your heart, you love spicy food, you love the snow, you love the sunrise and you love me." He could barely choke out the last few words.
"H-how do you know all of that?" Suga stammered, tears welling in his eyes.
"Because I've met you before Suga, I know you better than anyone ever has. And I just... I need you to remember me," his words were so low he wasn't sure of Suga could even hear them.
Suga started to back away, shaking his head, tears trailing down his face.
"I don't. I'm sorry, I don't."
He turned and left. The heavy concert hall door closing behind him with a metallic clang.
Daichi fell to his knees, the hard wood slamming sharply against his bones. He'd ruined it. He'd ruined everything. He was so sure that Suga remembered him that he threw everything away, and now his chance was gone.
He felt like he'd been carefully putting together a puzzle for years and then dumped it all over before securing the final piece. His head was swimming with too many thoughts and an overstimulation of emotions. His chest ached.
He started to fade, losing his grip on this place, this life. He swore to himself that next time would be the last. He couldn't do this anymore. He was exhausted from deep inside his soul. As he left this life, heading already toward the next, Daichi declared war on his fate, swearing to himself and to Suga that he would win.
***
Back then, in that moment, Daichi had been full of audacity, the rage and hurt he felt at the universe coursing through his veins like fire. He wanted revenge and he was fully prepared to get it. But now, face to face with the start of his fight, he couldn't do it.
He had sat in the cafe all day, clutching his box of memories and reflecting on everything that had led up to this point and all he had accomplished was to lose his confidence. He was so scared. Scared to lose Suga again, scared to ruin everything, scared to have to start over for the hundredth time.
The fire inside him had simmered down, leaving him just as he was, a lost and lonely, empty, man. One half of a coin in a constant search for its match.
He had his head resting against the cold wood of the table, listening to the rain that had started gently falling outside. The cafe was empty except for him and Suga, who was sweeping silently. It was the perfect opportunity for Daichi to talk to him but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
The sweeping stopped and Daichi could hear soft footsteps approaching, stopping just a few feet behind him.
"I'm sorry sir but its closing time," he said softly, voice carrying easily through the quiet space between them.
I love you. I miss you. I need you.
That was what Daichi wanted to say, but instead he stood and nodded, avoiding eye contact with the boy behind him, and left. He walked out into the soft drizzle, tiny droplets soaking into his hair and the shoulders of his T-shirt. Shoving his hands into his pockets he left, walking swiftly in any direction that would take him far from here.
It took him twenty minutes to realize he'd left his box on the cafe table, but by the time he had sprinted back through the rain to the cafe doors they were locked, all lights turned off inside and the sign on the door reading "closed".
Daichi's stomach was in knots. If Suga opened that box everything would be over, his chances ruined.
He looked around, hoping he could find Suga walking home, but he was nowhere to be seen. He ran to the bus station closest to the cafe, but no one was there. His heart was beating like a drum and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't believe that he'd ruined everything again, before it even had a chance to start.
Daichi went home that night, waiting for the familiar feeling in his chest to signal that his time was up, but it never came. Suga must not have opened it. For the first time Daichi was being given the chance to fix his mistake.
He went back to the cafe the next day but Suga never came in, and according to the small orange haired employee the box wasn't in the lost and found.
Daichi returned every day for a week, blowing off classes and his own job to sit in the cafe and wait for Suga to show up, but he never did.
By the end of the week Daichi was panicking. Something had gone wrong but he couldn't figure out what. If Suga had his box then he should have reset by now, unless he couldn't. Daichi didn't want to think about what that meant. He wouldn't let himself imagine what would happen if this had been his last chance. If he had gone down without a fight.
There was a knock at his door, soft but determined. Confused, Daichi looked at the clock. It was late, nearly 2am, but despite his apprehension Daichi slowly opened the door.
His breath caught in his throat and he nearly choked. Standing before him was Suga, hair messy and clothes rumpled as if he'd slept in them. His face was tired, and in his hands was Daichi's bamboo box.
Both boys stood there, staring at each other, frozen. Daichi could hear his own heart beating, throbbing in his ears.
Suga's eyes were wide.
He looked down at the box and then back up at Daichi. His lips started to tremble and Daichi thought he was going to cry but instead he smiled. It was the big warm Suga smile that Daichi had fallen in love with so many years ago. He lifted the box and held it out to Daichi who was still too stunned to move.
"I'm sorry you had to wait so long."
***
It was difficult at first, Suga didn't remember everything as clearly as Daichi did and he had to be patient. But through it all, the one thing Suga remembered the most was that he loved Daichi. And that was all he could ask for.
Daichi had night terrors for a while. He'd wake up screaming, thinking something awful had happened to Suga, but he was always there, alive and well, to smooth his hair and hum until he fell back asleep.
The world that had been slowly fading to gray around Daichi with every lost attempt started to regain its color. The stars were brighter, the sun was warmer, and he was happier.
Every night that he got to fall asleep to Suga's smiling face was a gift, one that he never thought he'd receive. But he did. They had won. They had made it this far together, and Daichi never intended to let this boy leave his arms again.