Chapter Text
It was dark and cluttered- it was clear by the dust alone that Hina hadn't been in here in some time, unwilling to move anything of Shingo's. Eiji deliberated on this as well, hesitating when he saw clothes laying on the bed. He didn't complain when Ankh removed them without a word, placing them on a stack of boxes piled on what he assumed was a dresser.
The cramped room felt all the more claustrophobic the more they looked at it, personal items scattered around driving home that they were intruders. Looking at any of it made Ankh's skin crawl, a feeling of dysmorphia he'd forgotten rising inside him until he refused to look, settling his eyes instead on Eiji.
"Eiji.. Why did you bring me back here?" Ankh asked, searching for the answer in Eiji's face.
Eiji sighed, body tensing as he prepared to defend himself. "Hina needs us, I told you that. It feels kind of weird being here, I know, but-"
Ankh cut him off. "That's not what I meant." he turned away, Eiji was no longer something he wanted to look at, the sour feelings inside him crawling up through his words. "You gave me life again in the form of someone elses."
Ankh paused, his anxious pacing forcing space between himself and Eiji. "Every time Hina looks at me- every time you look at me,
- I know what you're seeing instead." Anger flooded through him, a warm burst throughout Ankh's chest driving him to clench his fists. "The life I made, this isn't mine anymore. It's tainted by the memory of someone whose actions I had no part in, and now I'm going to spend the rest of it with the people around me seeing a dead man's face."
Eiji shook his head, taking a step to close the distance. "Ankh- don't you dare think like that. After everything everyone gave up for you to live- willingly- we wanted you to survive! And it's not good enough for you? Taking the bad with the good is what life is, I thought you'd learned that."
"You think I don't know that?" Ankh shouted, the thought crossing his mind that he should lower his voice too late to stop his anger. "You have no idea what I've endured. The one choice I got to make on my own was to save you and you took that."
Eiji was silent for a moment as he took in Ankh's words. Quietly, he took a seat on the edge of the bed, a slight smile over his face.
"Did I tell you about when your medal broke? You already know how long I tried to get you back but.." Eiji looked down, swinging one leg against the frame. "It's funny. The real reason I left was, honestly, I couldn't stand to be around Shingo. Felt awful for it, really. I couldn't help it, every time I looked at him, every time I felt his presence in the same room, there was still part of me that expected it to be you. I started to get angry, I remember- I was so tired one day, I'd heard him come in, and I just.. started to say your name. He tried to make light of it and I snapped at him and barged out like a little kid."
Eiji paused again, and Ankh stood, staring at him, unsure if he was finished or how to even process what had already been said.
"Huh. I think that might've been the last time he saw me before I left, actually." Eiji chuckled nervously, bringing his knees to his chest. "Well. The point is, it left a big hole in our lives when you were gone. In my life. That's all you're taking back, I promise."
Ankh let the silence fill the air as he moved to stand before Eiji, repeating his words in his head before he finally spoke, quiet enough that Eiji almost didn't hear him.
"Ten years?"
Eiji looked up at the sound of Ankh's voice and rose to his feet, close enough to Ankh to feel the warmth emanating off him. He nodded firmly.
"Why didn't you stop?"
Ankh wasn't ungrateful for Eiji's drive, it was quite the opposite, but human decisions and the emotions that drove them continued to be an elusive subject; he still couldn't wrap his head around Eiji throwing away ten years of his life that easily.
"You fought hard enough for your life that I wanted to fight for it, too. I thought you deserved that, to get to have what you fought for."
Ankh's brow furrowed; he was tired of dancing around the subject. "And that kept you going, waking up every day for that? Never once thought of stopping?"
"I couldn't stop Ankh, I.." Eiji frowned as a thousand sealed off emotions burst free, tears flowing freely from his eyes. "I missed you so much."
Ankh stared, dumbfounded for a moment, as Eiji brought his hand to his face to muffle his cries. Instinctually, he let out a huff as he grabbed Eiji around the shoulders, roughly dragging him the few inches closer. Eiji didn't complain when he lost his footing, or having to regain his balance holding Ankh to steady him. He never let go, either, the sobs taking so much of his control that he shook, Ankh's arms the only thing keeping him steady.
With nothing else to capture his attention from the tomb-like reminiscence of the room, Ankh squeezed his eyes shut. He could feel Eiji trembling against him, his body more leaning on him for strength than it was standing up. He was getting quieter, the waves of tears flowing, sniffles fewer and far between.
Ankh thought on Eiji's words as the sniffling in his ear grew quieter. Instinct told him that Eiji was hiding something, that there was much more to why Eiji kept going every day for a decade with the same goal; if he'd been telling the truth.. Imagining the kind of longing that lasted that long, that strongly, made Ankh's heart pound and ache. The idea that Eiji's endless well of desire was focused for that long on him made Ankh's knees threaten to give out, and he tightened his grip on Eiji a little harder than necessary. He wanted to believe Eiji more than anything.
Eiji slid his arms from around Ankh's back, and Ankh took the signal to let go, untangling his arms from around Eiji's shoulders and practically jumping to the other side of the room, occupying himself with staring out the window to ignore how hot his face felt suddenly.
Eiji rubbed his hands across his face, a slight smile starting to form. He watched Ankh for a moment, deliberating making him squirm by discussing the much-needed comfort he'd provided. He decided to leave Ankh alone for now, thinking instead of sleep, made all the more tempting by how tired crying had made his eyes. Letting the silence fill the air, hoping it might avlod any more arguments between them, Eiji set back to preparing the bed for them to sleep in.
"I never thanked you." Ankh said suddenly, gaze held firmly out the window. "For giving me a second chance."
Eiji paused, a pillowcase in hand, then shook his head. "You didn't ask me to. I did it as much for myself as for you, anyway.."
That caught Ankh's attention from where he'd been staring, deep in thought, but rather than ask Eiji to clarify, he continued on. "No, not for now. Do you remember when I was separated, when I regained control, I left-"
"I remember." Eiji cut him off.
Ankh could agree with not wanting to talk about it; he'd dwelled on his actions then enough.
"You let me come home, Eiji. After everything that happened between us, you just let me walk back into your life." his brow furrowed, even saying it aloud didn't make much sense.
"Well," Eiji paused for a long time. "It was up to Chiyoko if you were allowed to stay there again, really, but-"
Ankh shook his head. "I wasn't talking about the restaurant, Eiji." he said quietly.
Eiji smiled, his shoulders relaxing as he breathed a sigh of relief. "I just wanted to hear you say it."
Ankh lowered his head, feeling his ears growing hot with embarrassment.