Chapter Text
Adrien sighed as he once more carefully applied makeup to hide the growing dark circles under his eyes. Plagg was curled up on his shoulder, fur brushing up against his neck. He's quieter than usual. He hadn't woken Adrien up, and he hadn't even whined about his camemberet. Adrien wasn't sure what to think about that, or a lot of things really. Too many things to think about this early in the morning still running on very little sleep.
Suddenly Plagg sat up straight, tail puffed out and stiff. It was only a moment, and then his fur flattened back out and the tiny cat shook his head.
“Ladybug's left a message kid.” At first Adrien's grin stretched across his whole face and he started humming. I'll get to see Ladybug! It was the best pick me up, waking him up more than the espresso he'd snuck out of the kitchen one of the few times he pulled an all nighter playing games.
“Claws out!” He was still grinning until the magic started flowing through him. Then everything became tight, his grin was gone, and he couldn't even look at himself in the bathroom mirror. Hands trembling Chat Noir opened his messages. He listened with his cat ears flattened on his head.
“Hey Chat! Sorry about... well, everything. I would have checked on you yesterday, but Tikki still needed to recover. Anyway we should talk! I have until eight this morning. Or, just call back and let me know when you're free and I'll see if I can make it happen. Also, Marinette and her parents are doing fine. Same with the bakery. No long term damage so you don't need to stress about that.”
Easy for you to say. Adrien knew his partner. And while she was trying to sound upbeat and happy, he could hear the edge in her tone. Just worry? Or is she mad at me? He held his thumb over the call button. To see Ladybug, that would only help right? Ease the confusion, erase the fear of being in his magical suit, to be vulnerable to Plagg.
But to see Ladybug meant staying in the suit. And the leather protection felt like it had shrunk. Hair sticking up, mouth and lips completely dry. Surely he should at least say something. Tell her he was all right. Chat knew he would be desperate for that information if the roles were reversed.
With twice the effort as he thought it would take, he pressed his thumb to the call button. He expected her to answer quickly, not that he would know what to do about it. Even the extra time ringing, Chat couldn't think of what to say.
Sorry I couldn't answer in time. You know what to do kitty.
Chat's chest quivered as he tried to take a breath, his tail twitching behind him. His first breath didn't give him enough air to make more than a squeak. So he forced another breath through his throat, trying to force it open once more.
“Thanks Ladybug, that's great to hear.” He sounded breathless, which he hoped Ladybug wouldn't notice. “I um, don't think I'll have time today. Sorry. I know. I'm sorry. For everything too. Don't worry too much, I'm okay. Just busy. Like usual. I'll call you back when I have a gap in my schedule.” The moment his thumb pushed the button to end the call he was gasping, “Claws in.”
De-transformation was quick, maybe even faster than normal, but maybe Adrien was just imagining things, or more grateful than normal to feel the magic dissipate from his body.
“That was...” Plagg appeared before him, flattening his ears and letting his voice trail away.
“I-I” Adrien wrapped his arms around his torso. One glance in the mirror showed him how pale he was, how wide his pupils were.
Plagg held out his paws. “It's okay-”
“No it's not!” Adrien squeezed his eyes shut. Everything, everything was wrong. “It's not okay!” He tried to take a deep breath, but his chest was still tight, the air felt thick. “I want to see Ladybug. I want a chance to explain. I want to go to school without worrying about how...” He tried to swallow, but the lump in his throat just seemed to grow. “I can't.” He muttered. Adrien took a few steps back, his arm brushing the doorway to his bathroom. “I can't go to school like this.” Eyes snapping open he turned away, running his hands through his hair. “I can't go. I can't stay.” There wasn't room here for the pressure building up in his head to be released. “I can't be a willing prisoner here.” Even if he was one in his mind, the guilt blocking him into this state of anxiety he couldn't shake.
“Well,” Plagg floated in front of Adrien, his charge pausing and blinking at him. “Then what are you going to do?” The Kwami tilted his head. “Is my goody-two shoes going to skip class?” A lopsided smirk grew on his face as Adrien stopped messing up his hair.
“Sort of?” Adrien smoothed his hair back down, running to grab his backpack and picking up his phone at the same time. “Maybe. But I'll need help so I don't loose school forever.” Plagg raised his eyebrows, but while Adrien's one thumb slid across the screen, he didn't get a chance to see anything. “Pocket Plagg.” Adrien reached for the door while Plagg ducked into the boy's pocket, grumbling how much he hated being left in the dark.
#
Adrien sent a couple texts between the door to his room and the grand staircase. Both of them being answered by a single letter: K. He grinned as some of the coiled muscles in his shoulders loosened, meeting his bodyguard in the car.
Not a word was said as Adrien's plan started to be put into motion. Instead of heading straight to school, the man whose 'Gorilla' nickname still stuck despite the akumatization, turned towards the Bourgeois Hotel.
“Thanks. You can probably wait with the other staff.” Adrien mumbled, since Gorilla knew the drill by now anyway.
Backpack slung over his shoulder, Adrien slipped into the side door the kitchen staff used for quick access to the dumpsters. The smell of bacon and eggs filled the hallway, as familiar to him as his face was to the staff. Though he still did earn some raised eyebrows for using the side entrance for the first time in months.
Too busy being Chat Noir. Too reluctant to stay close when her actions threaten every other friendship I'm making.
But he wasn't stopped. Which Adrien was thankful for. Up the service elevator with a man pushing a room service cart, it wasn't long before Adrien was knocking on the door to Chloé's suite.
“Adrien!” The door flung open, her grin fading as quickly as the rush of air from the door brushed past Adrien. “You still didn't get any sleep.” She rolled her eyes and tugged him into the room by his wrist. “No wonder you don't want to go to school.” She kicked her door shut as she lifted her ringing phone to her ear. “Yes Daddy?” Her voice was syrupy, the opposite to her plotting smirk. “Great, thanks!” She hung up and pat Adrien on the shoulder.
“You always have great timing. I wasn't going to school anyway since Daddy wanted me to listen to some spiel about a young entrepreneurs contest or something. And your father is still set on you taking over his company, so it was easy enough to get him to agree to spend the day listening with me. Though, now, we'll probably be stuck submitting some proposal or another, just saying.”
“Well, I appreciate it, really Chloé.” A blonde eyebrow quirked up at him, and she frowned.
“You better.” Her words were softer than they would imply. She slipped her arm through his and walked him over to her plush couch. “After practically ignoring me for months.” She pushed his shoulders down to make him sit, and then draped the matching red weighted blanket over his shoulders. “How bad?”
“Bad.” Adrien grumbled, pulling the blanket tightly around him. He hadn't been cold, but the weight and the soft texture against his skin, was exactly what he needed. It was contradictory, on a surface level, how the weight helped his chest loosen.
“Does he know?” Chloé sat next to him, leaning slightly into his right side. Adrien shook his head. “Well, that's good at least.” She sighed. “The presentations are going to start soon, but we'll have plenty of time to talk after.”
“Thanks again.” Adrien smiled at Chloé. She ruffled his hair before she got up to set the laptop on the coffee table in front of them.
Adrien pulled out his spare notebook and pen, fully intending to use them. If he was going to take this seriously, like his father expected, he'd need to prove it. With notes. And a plan. But while the presenters were doing their best to keep their audience, no doubt mostly reluctant teenagers being pushed by their parents, engaged, Adrien's mind kept wandering.
“Teams are perfectly acceptable...”
Ladybug is probably still worried about me.
Adrien kicked off his shoes and pulled his feet up onto the couch with him, wrapping his arms around his knees. He tugged the blanket even tighter around him.
Why can't I transform? Why am I so afraid to stay transformed? I want to talk to Ladybug. I want to return to normal.
“Be careful though, there is some truth to the saying of mixing business with friendship.”
I should have listened to Plagg. If I hadn't kept visiting Marinette as Chat Noir, maybe he wouldn't have gone there when feral.
“There are a lot of types of businesses out there, but whatever you enter, you must have at least a prototype of a product, a soft opening of you will, of a service, or at least a partial or a draft version of a creative project if you want to be evaluated in something like cinematic or publishing categories.”
If only I just stopped Plagg earlier. Then I wouldn't have any of this to worry about.
Adrien really didn't know how long this presentation was, but it certainly didn't feel too long before Chloé's arm went around his shoulders. Really, it wasn't the touch, but her questions that shook him out of his ruminating.
“Do you wanna talk fist? Or copy my notes for your father?” Adrien sighed, looking down at his blank notebook and pen.
“Notes.” She dropped her notebook next to the laptop. He leaned forward, blinking at the lines of neat notes Chloé took. “You know, if you took such good notes at school, you wouldn't have to bother me for my notes every weekend.” His friend just pat his shoulder and then got off the couch.
“I do well enough.” She pulled a box of macaroons from the shelf of the coffee table. “Macaroon?” She held it out towards him. Adrien pinched one from the box and started copying the notes.
She munched on more as Adrien wrote, barely thinking about the meaning of what he was writing down, just getting the words into his notebook. Chloé perched on the armrest, leaning over his shoulder, but not saying anything. When his own neat handwriting filled a couple pages, reaching the end of her notes, Adrien set everything back on the coffee table and leaned back.
“Now,” one of Chloé's hands rested on top of his head. “What's the problem?” Everything from the past few days rushed through his mind once more, and he hung his head, Chloé's fingers slipping through the strands until they rested over his forehead. He could feel her tense on the armrest. “Adrien.” She sighed. “If there's something wrong at school-”
“That's not it.” He protested quietly.
“Then why are you here?” She gently pushed his head, taking her hand away. “You've been begging to go to school for years. You've used makeup to hide your sleepless nights so you can continue going without questions.” Adrien nodded to these statements, recognizing the bitter tone building up from Chloé. “You've barely spoken to me in months and now you show up asking for help to take a break from something you love, clearly distressed, and you try to give me the silent treatment!” Her warmth left the armrest. Adrien glanced up to see Chloé start pacing in front of the coffee table.
“I'm sorry.” There wasn't much else he could say. He was sorry. Sorry he couldn't protect Marinette from Plagg, sorry he couldn't meet with Ladybug to give her the peace of mind she deserved, sorry he had pushed Chloé away and then came to use her name, use her influence to try to give himself a break from his own guilt, only giving him even more guilt.
Chloé gave a heavy sigh that permeated into Adrien's soul.
“That's a start. But, what is wrong?”
“I wish I could tell you.” The words felt heavy, the situation felt crushing. “But it involves secrets that aren't mine to tell.” Adrien reached one hand out, catching one of Chloé's wrists before she could walk away again. “And I am sorry about giving you the silent treatment, but I don't agree with how you treat our classmates.”
“If this is just your desperate attempt to get me to apologize-”
“No. I want a sincere apology, not one I force out of you.” Adrien dropped his hand again, and looked away from the steady blue gaze. “You were right in that I came only seeking help to avoid school today without earning my father's ire. I'm sorry. That's not very kind of me.”
“Yeah.” Chloé moved away, and he felt the couch settle a little more with her weight once more, though now she was on the opposite end of the couch. “But I suppose I've done worse. So I won't hold it against you.” When Adrien didn't respond after a few moments, she poked his arm. When he glanced over she spoke softly. “Don't hold it against yourself either.”
Adrien nodded, but couldn't force any words out past the lump in his throat. It was easy to say, easy to think, but actually letting it go was something he wasn't sure he could do. If he couldn't let go something so small, how was he supposed to get over the larger guilt he was holding inside?
“Seriously, you put too much pressure on yourself.” She reached out, but didn’t actually touch him again. “What can I do to help you with whatever it is you can't tell me?” She finally asked.
“I...” Adrien shrugged. “I guess I don't know.”
“Okay...” Chloé shrugged. “What do you think you need?”
“Uhhh...” Adrien scratched his head. That was a question he didn't think he'd hear out of Chloé. Actually it was a question he'd never thought to consider. He sighed. “I'm not sure what I need. Probably some advice would be the best.” On how to deal with everything suddenly sitting on his shoulders.
“Well.” Chloé clicked her tongue. “I certainly can't give you any without knowing what's going on.”
“Still can't tell you.” Adrien mumbled.
“Ahem.” She snapped her fingers. “Not that I'm good at advice even when I do know what's going on.” Adrien snorted, which earned him a glare before she continued. “You've always been better at giving advice. So give yourself the advice you need.”
Adrien rolled his eyes, hunching deeper into the weighted blanket. For a moment he looked back at Chloe, and then his gaze became unfocused, rolling the events around in his mind. Everything that went wrong, the tiny bits and pieces that went right. How he was feeling. The panic attacks. Hiding the attacks. Being unable to do the one thing that was actually freeing.
Chloé could be patient, and Adrien was glad she was showing that patience now. It took a few minutes for him to piece everything together, and figure out what exactly might help him feel peace. Adrien took a deep breath, and that is when Chloé finally spoke again.
“Well?” She tilted her head, a stray piece of hair she wouldn’t have let happen around anyone else, falling over her eyes. “What would you tell me if I was in your position?”
“Without going into detail,” Adrien spun the Miraculous around his finger under the blanket. “I’d tell you to accept what isn’t your fault, make peace and do better with what is your fault, and apologize the best you can.”
“Didn’t I tell you you hold too much guilt?” Chloé swiped the hair away. “I guess I’m better than I thought.” Adrien chuckled and rolled his eyes. She liked to puff herself up, but in the way she smiled at him, he could tell she was only joking. Not many other people would be able to see that though.
“Sometimes you are pretty good at the advice giving thing.” Adrien reached out and poked Chloé. “Thanks.” He knew what he had to do now. Or rather, he always knew, but maybe wasn’t ready to face it quite yet.
“You, good sir,” she ruffled his hair, leaving it sticking up every which way, “are pretty awesome when you don’t let perfection get in the way.”
“It’s not about-” Chloé cut him off by putting a finger to his lips.
“Yes it is. You heard yourself.” She leaned back. “Accepting what isn’t your fault. You’re having trouble with that because you think you have to have control over everything and make it perfect.” Adrien didn’t have anything to say to that, just pulling the blanket up over his head. “Uh-huh. You know I’m right.”
“Okay, fine. Maybe that is part of the problem.” Adrien mumbled.
“Good. That’s part of your advice already taken care of.” Suddenly Chloé’s legs were draped over Adrien’s lap. “Now, so your father doesn’t get all the more annoyed, let’s go over the details so you can pass any pop quiz masquerading as a conversation.”
“Fine.” Adrien pulled his head head back out, glancing over at Chloé who held her notebook up.
Much like they used to study together for summer tutors they quizzed each other on the facts of the presentation. Even bridged the idea of what they might propose should their parents push them to try their hands at the contest.
It was nice. Having Chloé back to being the kind of friend he remembered. To have someone knowing exactly how he was, and with a look could tell something was wrong and who knew exactly what to do about it was comforting when nothing else made sense.
#
Passing his father’s questions was easy, thanks to Chloé. And then Adrien went up to his room to practice piano.
Plagg pounced on his cheese with the same enthusiasm as always, but there was something different in the way he looked at Adrien when he was done.
“What?” Adrien asked.
“Chloé surprised me.” Plagg shrugged. “Didn’t think she had any of that in her.” Adrien sighed and stood at his windows.
“With the way she acts at school, no one would.” A small thump indicated Adrien resting his forehead on the window pane. “But watch, tomorrow she’ll act in her usual selfish manner.”
“And you?”
“I’ll be lucky I don’t have a panic attack the second I lay eyes on Marinette.”
“It’ll be okay.” Plagg landed on Adrien’s shoulder. “You are a tough kid.” He pressed his palms into Adrien’s neck. “You can handle it.”
The young wielder sighed, but didn’t pull away, didn’t shoo him, didn’t scoff or anything like that. It was the kind of sign Plagg was hoping for.
“You are strong.” He kept going. “You are pretty amazing for a kid your age.”
“What, do you want more camembert?” Adrien asked, but he was scooping the tiny cat off his shoulder and holding him against his forehead. “Or are you always sappy when things hit rock bottom?”
“Kid, this isn’t rock bottom.”
“And you’re back to freaking me out.”
“That’s what I’m good at Kid.” Plagg nuzzled Adrien’s forehead. “But I’m here for you.”
“You’re going to give me whiplash.” Adrien muttered. Sun came in through the window as it inched towards the horizon. The light made Adrien’s eyes water, but he was hesitant to leave.
Hesitant to leave. Hesitant to transform. Hesitant to stop trusting Plagg, but also hesitant to trust in his transformed self.
But Adrien knew he couldn’t avoid everything forever.
“I’m going to set up a meeting with Ladybug.” Adrien held Plagg up to his eyes. All he got in response was a nod. “Claws out.”
It was still weird to be suited up. Leather coating his skin like it was paint, his belt tail twitching as his nerves prickled. His second set of ears picked up on all sorts of noises inside and outside the mansion. The clatter of dishes being loading in the dishwasher, a string of uninterrupted clicks of a keyboard, the rumbles of passing cars, birds singing and insects buzzing faded to white noise as he listened to the beating of his heart.
While it wasn’t his resting pace, at least it was steady. He spun his baton in his hands as he thought about what to say to Ladybug. But maybe it shouldn’t be so hard. He was probably overthinking everything again. So Adrien just took a deep breath, and called her.
He wanted to get the voicemail, the only time he had ever wanted to hear the message instead of Ladybug’s voice.
“Chat!” It warmed him, how excited Ladybug sounded. It was way better than the message anyway. “Chat? Are you okay?”
“Right. Sorry.” Chat cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck. “I was expecting the voicemail, er.” He forced another deep breath. “Um. I have free time in the morning tomorrow. Can you meet up with me?”
“Yes. As long as it is before eight.”
“Yes. How about seven-thirty?”
“Sounds good Chat Noir. I’m glad you are okay.”
“Same Ladybug.” His voice dropped. “I’m sorry.”
“I know Chat. Not that you have to be sorry, but, well, we’ll have to talk more tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Yeah, me neither. Our usual spot?” Chat tilted his head against his baton as Ladybug confirmed. “Then until tomorrow M’Lady,” His usual grin grew on his face.
“See you later Chat.” It was a few heartbeats before the connection was cut off.
“Claws in.” It was over in a flash, not that it made any of his thoughts easier to handle. Plagg waited until after pressing his small head into Adrien’s forehead to ask for camemberet. Adrien still was finding some of Plagg’s new behaviors odd to adjust too.
But it was nice to know the tiny being supported him. Even through all the sarcasm, protests, and rolling eyes, Plagg had been there.
“Look at you.” Plagg licked a cheese crumb from his whiskers. “Starting to follow your own advice.”
“And I didn’t immediately want to change back.” He spun the Miraculous around his finger.
“See?” Plagg grinned. “You’re strong enough to handle this.” Adrien looked away. The compliments were the weirdest of all. “Now, you should get to bed. See how much sleep you’ll get.”
“Yeah.” Adrien tried to push away all the worries and thoughts about everything looming in the next day. Plagg didn’t need to tell him how much he needed sleep. “Sleep tight Plagg.”
“You too, kid.” Plagg gave Adrien another nuzzle before flying off to claim a corner of the pillow while the boy got started with his bedtime ritual.