Chapter Text
• they argued for days about what to name the cat, to the point where it’s stand-in name was simply “kitten”
• joseph wanted mr fluffybottom, augustus wanted harrison, colin, or julius
•they settled on colin fluffybottom
• colin is a... confusing cat. it was clear he had suffered a bad head injury when he was very tiny and Somehow Survived, but now has a slightly elongated face and a dent near his left ear
•the cat grows to be Massive, and joseph is constantly overfeeding him and sneaking him bites of human food
•colin is very dumb, very loud, and doesn’t have any other character traits
•but they love him like a strange adopted son
• he frequently tries to befriend his reflection in the mirror - licking it, purring, and meowing at the volume of a jet engine
• whenever jo and aug are eating, colin supervises. he doesn’t even eat any of it (unless it’s fish or chicken) but he simply Has To Know
• colin loves his human parents and hates everyone else
• joseph had his sister molly and her husband for lunch and needless to say colin was Upset
• he sat under the sofa for their entire visit, yelling and scratching the toes of whoever was passing by
• jo tried to get him out and was bitten so they gave up
• he stayed under the sofa for four hours after they left, screaming. he only came out because augustus found some salmon
• salmon is his favorite food and he refused to eat anything else for the first two weeks they had him
• he was still angry for the next two days
• colin soon realized that he couldn’t be angry with his humans AND have a consistent supply of salmon
• so they eventually won him over by handing him bits of orange fish
• colin is an ugly cat. he’s simultaneously fat and scrawny - with the fluffiest behind and the thinnest legs. he looks like a chicken gone wrong. he has an unusually voluminous tail that constantly has leaves, branches, and dandelion seeds stuck in it, sometimes even some reject smiley-face stickers that augustus uses when marking his papers
• but they think he’s the most gorgeous cat to ever live
• oh they’ve broken several hairbrushes trying to get gunk out of colin’s tail. in the end, they simply settle for cutting the seedlings out using safety scissors every few weeks
• for this reason, colin’s fur is in a constant state of five different lengths and covered in small bald patches
• he’s an attention whore but Very Particular about where he wants to be pet. he will scratch and bite it one of them even so much as breathes on his left ear, but will purr contently when the little spot behind his front legs is scritched.
• he bonks. hard. to the point where augustus and joseph are covered in tiny bruises on their lower legs. one will always know where colin is, by either hearing his screeches for attention or the small winces everyone makes when he rams his already permanently damaged head into someone’s leg
• colin doesn’t understand the concept of sleep or work. how DARE his humans be out of commission or away HE IS COLIN and he DESERVES attention and LOVE and he will SCREAM until he gets it
• he loves to sit in very inconvenient places - a schoolbook augustus is marking, joseph’s drawing tablet, dinner plates just before any meal.
• there was also The Incident - where colin sat on augustus’s brand new laptop. and since he’s so massive, the keys broke and now aug can’t type J or semi-colon
• colin is also very confused by other cats - he was his mother’s only kitten - so when he sees other cats he freezes up and Gets Awkward
• one time augustus’s friend (“colleague, actually, a friend would be an exaggeration of the intensity of our relationship” “sure, aug, it’s not like she’s the only person you trust to moderate tests”) asked them to catsit as she was moving house and needed the animals out of the way
•the cat wasn’t particularly badly behaved or anything. she was an old girl - all grey and bony. but colin was Not Okay
• he sat on the top of the bookshelf looking extremely uncomfortable and for the first time in his life was completely silent until the other cat went home
• then he simply climbed down from the bookshelf and ate his kibble
• augustus shows anybody at work who is in close facility pictures of colin
• the one who suffers the brunt of the burden is the aforementioned “colleague”. her name is jessica melbourne (or, miss mel to the kids as she predominantly teaches the younger years)
• augustus - having become solely attached to this lady at his work - gives her daily updates on his cat and she just listens happily because she’s a good friend, damnit, and augustus and their boyfriend sound like fitting potential brunch mates
•“...like a marking. speaking of markings, colin left a paw print on our bed this morning. i have the image on my mobile device-“
• “colin was a great nuisance as a kitten-“
• “i TOLD jo that mr fluffybottom was hardly an appropriate name-“
• “the following photograph shows colin when he was small, look at his ear it’s very scientifically marvelous i’m sure you’ll find-“
•joseph is less wordsy and simply prints pictures of their dumb beast for all his costumers to see. in no particular order
• despite his insistence in naming the cat colin, augustus gradually gets worse at keeping the cats name consistent
• one time they were rushing to get to work in the morning since joseph overslept and augustus didn’t set a second alarm, and colin, who was fast asleep on aug’s chest, got knocked off in the ensuing chaos. augustus - dazed with sleepiness - mutters a quick “sorry, mr fluffybott- colin” * joseph resigns to tease him relentlessly for this in the car
• jessica did eventually come for brunch (both to meet joseph and the couple’s beloved pet. mostly the pet)
•they discover that jessica is literally the only stranger colin is not either incredibly Weird or downright murderous toward. he settles for a sort of shrugged indifference - letting her pet the spot behind his leg and sticking his bum in her face when they all sit on the floor
• no chicken was eaten however as jessica is vegetarian, so colin’s curious sniffs at each plate was disappointing only to him
• in short, colin is a very very VERY loved cat