Chapter Text
After that one-of-kind way of proposing, we got married and had a place of our own. It was surreal. Being married and having that thought of spending all my waking moments, last sight before I go to sleep and do everything in between with "The Han Joonhwi". It wasn't exactly a huge adjustment at all, living under the same roof, together, for all we know and feel is that it was as if we've been together for centuries already. It's just become more special and endearing to live the life we always wish to have.
Married life suits us well. They all say that. Well apparently, it is the truth. And as the years got older I never once had a doubt of being with him. He always treats me as his equal and through the years that did not change. Not a bit. Like I said, all those times I believe I always got everything I needed. Our pasts are now rewritten and what we are today goes to show how far we’ve come.
And now that we are both successful and our time is being stolen by the world, we never miss to celebrate and remember that we are married during our quiet and no work days. We sometimes took sabbatical from work to breathe and be reminded that we aren’t immortals. And those days are my favorite days.
“Good morning, Sol” He said as he caressed my hair and touched my bare, just woken up face.
“Good morning, Hwi.” I tried glancing at his face with a smile while my eyes were still closed.
“Come closer, Babe.” He pulled me closer in his embrace as he put kisses all over me. My favorite place.
I chuckled and kissed him with all that I have. I can feel his smile on my lips and I couldn’t let myself but return one for him as well. We are now staring at each other, hands roaming deep into our bodies and souls. “Mornings and you are my always.” I said and laid my arms onto his chest as he moved closer to my face and touched my nose using his.
“I love you." We said.
I wish there were more days like this one. When I am not stuck on mountains of files to review and go over with to help those people who cannot receive any. When he is not bossing around by just his looks on his way to his office and later standing in front of a courtroom stealing everyone’s sane mind as he would always win any of his cases. On days like this, we get to see each other’s vulnerabilities. I am so lucky to be the person a hotshot Prosecutor Han Joonhwi has as his wife. The more I think about it, the more I want him only for myself.
Yes, I am greedy when it comes to him.
We cooked our favorite dishes together, caught up some news from our dear friends who are all very far from what we were during our Law School days, fought over what movie to choose, endless cuddles and pillow talks about anything under the sun, talked about our moments during Law School and how amazing it is to still get something new secret details from every conversations that we have. Majority believe that I am easy to show how much I care for somebody I love, but very few wouldn’t know that I immensely cannot. It’s Han Joonhwi.
Behind his aura and explicit exterior. He always lets down his guard when it comes to me. He is far and a thousand different from how people see him as he is. And every time I got the chance to be with him, like this. To have him for myself, I see celestial in him. And to love him back is the easiest thing I would always love to do until the world cannot remember who I am.
“I think I have to quit being a Prosecutor and just be here with you every minute of every day.”
He said teasing. I laughed as I was playing with his fingers and mine. “Me too. I think that’s not a bad idea at all.”
“Then, let’s make this night longer than forever.” He kept me between his broad shoulders as he kissed passionately.
And the next thing I knew, we had our bare bodies lying on our bed. As he looked so dearly, staring at me, as if he saw me all over again for the first time. His hands, as gentle as dew drops falling from leaves in the morning, touch my skin. He kissed me more as his eyes shifted and became more aggressively looking. His tongue inside my mouth, his hands travels to my neck, my breast, my waist, down to my thigh, and in between all there is.
As his mouth - tongue licking, eyes raging, love radiating - follows the trail of his hands, I keep on staring at him, my hands grabbing his hair as my brain can no longer sustain the feeling he's giving me. Every time. As always.
"Babe." I said.
“No one could ever make me feel this way but you.” He said.
As I grabbed him closer to my face and kissed him deep, he kissed me harder in return.
"I'm so weak for you." I said inside his mouth.
"Oh, Baby. We're just starting." He said as a playful smirk escaped from that hot being that he is.
And as the night gets darker, the longer the night seems to allow us to be one again. The sounds from us every time we make love always competes from the stillness of dawn and the little glow of night sky. Our tired bodies always envelope the unwavering bond and commitment of our love to each other.
Forever is always in the deepest stares of his eyes
Forever is always in the thoughts of his head
Forever is always in between his loving arms
Forever is always in every second of everyday with him
Forever is always him
He pulled me in between him, caging me to his love's eternity. He placed the sweetest kiss onto my forehead, smiling as his eyes, still fixated to mine, said all the words there is to tell. His hand touched the edge of my shoulder, my arm. His breaths, still unequal, were felt by my hair. I looked up onto him and gave him a peck once more. As I laid my head onto his beating chest, I knew I couldn’t ask for more.
-
Every 9th of June, Law Schoolz squad always gather together to catch up from each other. We sometimes postpone, but never cancel and everyone is always present. It’s some sort of tradition that we have built since we graduated from Law School. Annually, we are hearing different news from one another.
I believed our first get together was when we shared the news to the group that Han Joonhwi and I are getting married and I can still remember how their reactions vary. A cold yet ensuring greetings from Sol B and Jiho, tears and hugs from Bokgi and Yeseul, daddy jokes from Seungjae Oppa and everything being recorded by Yebeom’s camera.
From that first, came another. It was followed by unbelievable news like Sol B and Jiho being in a relationship for almost two years without telling anyone, Yebeom's introducing her girlfriend to the squad, Seungjae crying over from a fight with his wife then drunk calling her right after, sealing glances from Bokgi and Yeseul we dared to wait to make official any time soon.
-
“Hey, Babe! Are we going tonight together or you’re swamped at work?” I am on the phone with my husband as I am choosing what to wear over my walk-in closet. I stood in front of a mirror while silence comes from the other line
“Babe? Hello?” “Baby!” Why is he not answering? “Hwi? Love, are you there?” Minutes passed and still nothing.
“Yah Han Joonhwi, you’re not gonna have any amazing sex after, you here me?” I was about to yell his name.
“Babe, I’m at the meeting and I accidentally put you on speaker.” I almost dropped everything I am holding now.
“I guess everybody knows how I will make everything up to you tonight.” I can hear his smug over the phone.
“Yah! Han Joonhwi!” I am flustered and have decided not to drop by his office any time soon.
“I love you, Sol. See you in a bit.” I can feel his teases and warmth at the same time. “Don’t be embarrassed, Love. To be honest, I won’t last a night without having so much sexy time with you too.” He whispered quietly.
“I can feel your pout and your adorable face from here.” He really knows how to make everything light and warm.
“Yah! I hate you! Come home faster!” I said.
“You so hate me, you want me to come home quickly, huh?”
“Yah! I hate you so much, Han Joonhwi!”
“Well, I guess I just have to call everyone again and continue our meeting then.” I don’t know what to say now.
“Hmm?” He’s waiting for me to say anything.
“Yah! I miss you, Love. Go home now or I swear.” I said, accepting my defeat.
“What’s that again?” He continued with his soft laugh. “Four more stop lights, Love. I can’t wait to kiss you.”
I let some quiet take over first and said. “Me too. Yah, please be careful.”
Moments passed and he didn’t hang up and so I did not until I could see him parking his car to our garage over our room’s window. As soon as he stepped out from his car, he immediately looked up to where he could see me already staring at him. He waved at me with a smile and flowers in his hands. I am such a lucky woman.
-
Same place. Same squad. This place always brings back memories of how I witnessed Sol B’s first ever smile, the win of the boys, Gollum’s and Prof Kim’s bickering and goofy sides, my drunk state which I totally cannot remember. Even though Seungjae Oppa was away then, we continue to give more memories to keep on this place every year.
“Everything’s on me tonight.” Oppa said.
“Wow, what’s the story tonight? New job promotion? New car? New business?” Yebeom asked.
“Yah Oppa, tonight is supposed to be our night - Yeseul and I.” Bokgi interfered.
“Wait, what did you just say?” Jiho in disbelief said while placing his beer down. Sol B clinging to him, waiting for an answer as well.
God, over the years, I still cannot believe that Sol B has this side of her.
“Well, Bokgi and I eloped.” Yeseul said as Bogki and her showed their bands to all of us.
“What?!” I believed everybody was shocked “Yah! How come you both went first before us?” Sol B said.
“We’ve been together since. I just cannot see any more time to waste.” Bokgi said as Yeseul kissed his cheeks.
“Well then, this calls for double celebration. Well for me, I’m having another baby.” Oppa exclaimed.
“Congratulations, Oppa! Omo, I cannot wait to have more babies on this squad.” I said. Cheers followed.
“What about you two, you’ve been married for so long."
"What about babies from the OG couple of our squad? Yebeom teased us as Joonhwi reached for my hand smiling.
I was about to say something when he said. “Well, I guess babies aren’t for us.” The smile on my face faded. He looked at me and kissed me and I did too. I formed a smile after hiding all the questions as to why he said that. His words carried a depth of silent pain despite that gorgeous smile of his. "Did he know all along?" I said to myself.
-
Months before, we had a girls night out together which we seldom do, especially now that we are so busy unlike when we were still in Law School. It doesn't happen very much but every time we do, it seems that nothing even time changes. "Enjoy, my love. Just text me up if you're done so that I can pick you up but if you're too drunk already to understand what I'm saying, I'll be there before you know it." Joonhwi messaged me early so I can still comprehend what he said. I was about to message him but I forgot to hit send, probably. Hours passed and now I caught myself being lost by the cold air coming from Sol B's balcony while the two girls were still fighting over what we should watch after tequila shots.
"Unnie, are you okay?" Yeseul slowly approached me while handing me a glass of red. I took it gently and smiled at her as I returned my gaze back to the city lights from up here.
"Is something bothering you?" Sol B asked intently, looking at me.
"Nothing." I looked at them and I just knew they didn't believe what I said. So I continued. "Well it's just that I don't wanna have babies." Both confused. I sighed.
"You and Oppa aren't trying? You've been married for too long. I thought you both were." Yeseul said.
"We were. We are."
"But you do not want to have one." I looked back at Sol B and slightly nodded. "Ever?" I stared at the floor this time.
"Have you both not known me well?" "I don't know." "But yes. Ever."
"This isn't pizza versus Thai, you don't give a little on a baby, so for now, I'm saying no." I said in succession.
I am probably one of those rare breeds of women not wanting to have kids in the future. Society believes that we should. Being a woman is being a mother and having a child, they say. But it's so unfair for those women who don't want to become mothers and are forced to be a mother despite their reasons. Because women in that area exist. For many reasons they may be, this is just happening on the sidelines. Some women are so pressured just being one without knowing the stories from underneath the surface of their hearts. Afraid. Uninterested. Preoccupied. Simply not considering it. It's so hard to breathe in a world you are just being dictated to be someone you're not. Because some people don't ever want kids.
I am not speaking for all the women out there. But in my case, I like babies. A lot. I love their sweet little voices and the warmth they give to the people around them. The happiness they give to their family and how their innocence and crooked smiles enlighten what's ahead. But having one in the future never struck my entire existence. I was so busy providing and giving at a very young age. I was too early being an adult when I was supposed to be enjoying my time playing or dancing around puddles during rainy seasons and snow days in winter mornings. I was being who I wasn't supposed to be. And thinking how the world messed me up before, giving that same thought that perhaps my future children could possibly suffer from, kills me inside.
But to tell the truth? Being married to a man as my husband is, clouded all these pretenses I have in mind. I will be lying if I say that I did not ever consider having a child with Joonhwi because I do. As much as I have my fear inside my nutshell, is a thousand fold of wondering how I will be being a mother. Not just a mother but a mother to our future children, a family with Han Joonhwi. They say no one prepares you to be a good one from the start because no one's perfect at the start. You'll have to learn to be a good mother along the way. And if a child comes to our lives at some point in time, I just knew I would love him or her just thinking about it. Despite my fears. Despite the uncertainties. We never talked about it completely and I never said this much to him as well. I want to say all of my thoughts to the girls now but the only thing I said was,
"I just wish my husband would understand." As I engulfed the coldness of air and the moment we were in.
-
All those moments came back at me at this very moment. As Joonhwi reached for my hand while drinking all of his beer. All I ever think about, looking at my husband, is the pain I'm secretly causing him all this time. I held him tighter as he kissed my temple. "It's okay, baby. I understand."
He whispered. Dumbfounded and cracked inside I do not know how to react. My Joonhwi. I'm causing him pain for so long from the thing we never talked about. As much as I want to talk to him about it now, this moment is not the right time and place for it.
“Hyung, what about the Chief Prosecutor’s offer to you last month?” Jiho said. What? Last month? He never mentioned such. I looked at him and he held both my hands this time. He looked at me as if he's saying that we'll talk about it later before saying, “I’m considering it.” He said. He’s considering what?
"You're already talking about this at our firm," Jiho said.
"One of my colleagues said you talked to his senior about it last month already and his planning to roll over a carpet when you'll finally come there." Sol B said.
"Hot shot being a hot shot ever since." Yebeom offered cheers.
"Noona must be thrilled about this. Did you both pack up your bags already. I believe that's for a long time." Bokgi teased us.
"Unnie, why aren't you bragging about this? You must be shouting from the top of your lungs about Oppa." Yeseul said squeaking.
"She must be. Right?" Seungjae Oppa said, "Sol?"
How come they know and I don't? Am I missing a lot from being busy these past few months?
Or am I not noticing details at all? How can Joonhwi not talk to me about it?
And he seems excited based on his gestures tonight which disgusts me somehow.
How come I have a lot of unanswered questions?
The night was filled with laughter and law talks which we enjoyed. But my mind kept wandering and stealing glances at my husband. I know this night must be a good one so I let it pass. We bid goodbyes and made sure that everybody is still safe to go home. We walked to his car, hands intertwined yet felt distant. For the first time. The car ride home was silent. I could even hear the conversations from the next vehicle. I do not want to talk and start to say words that I will regret after so I’m waiting for him to say something. But nothing came. We got home safely, washed up and went to bed. I can feel his hesitancy as I am sure he can feel my confusion.
“I don’t wanna fight.” He said carefully. We are both in bed. I'm facing his opposite, the place I never did choose to be at. I can feel him closer, as I sighed.
“The offer. It’s a business trip to the USA for a year or two, maybe longer.” I don’t wanna cry but I already am. I wanna fight but he already decided not to.
“I cannot say it to you because I want to take it and-” He said.
“And what?” I cannot help but say it with some sort of sadness and disappointment.
“Sol” He’s trying to wrap his arms around my waist but I’m doing my best for him not to.
“What? Just say it.” I know I am crying but I can't feel my tears coming out.
“You’re the only reason not to take it. I don’t want to be away for so lo-” He said.
“And you don’t find that reason enough?” I can’t help but face him this time.
“Why would you say that? Come one, let me explain.” He shifted his position and sat in front of me.
“Fine, I know it’s an incredible opportunity. You should take it.” I said.
“Babe, Sol please let me explain. We should decide this together. I mean I cannot go when you’re like this.”
“So there’s a date already and I did not know anything about it? He was silenced.
“And you’re telling me now that we should decide this together.” I cannot utter more words because I can feel my tears flowing now.
“Love, please. I am truly sorry for not mentioning it earlier. I mean it.” I do not know what to say.
“This is for us. I'm just considering you have a lot on your plate already. Come on, I know you’re having a hard time at work now so I'm-” I interrupted him.
“So now, you’re telling me that your career is much more important than mine?” I said those words out loud.
“Come on, Prosecutor Han Joonhwi. You want to play that card? That I’m just a shadow of yours and always is.”
“I’m not saying that. Stop that. That’s never a thing. Would you please listen now, Love, please.” He said.
“Well, you don’t have to say anything more because your job and career is always what matters here.”
“Sol, please.” He said.
“What am I not correct?” , I said.
“Well just this moment, it is. Come on, you're making this harder. I don’t want to hurt-”
“You know what? Fine. Call them now, and go.” I can see his eyes that I never saw before. Is this the end now?
He dialed a number and got into his phone, saying that he’s accepting the offer and will leave in two days.
“Go. Now.” I said furiously.
“Love, please I don’t want to do this.” He said and I remained silent, “I’ll go if that’s what you want.”
“I said. Go. Now.” I can see the pain and failing to say this to me earlier in his eyes. He wants to talk about it but I am constantly shutting him out. Tears are now in between us. His heart's breaking as mine's shattering as well. And the next thing I knew, he was packing his clothes and I was left alone. I heard his car’s engine starting, and after some time I had the courage to go downstairs hoping to still catch him before he left. I was barefoot, unlocked our gates and watched him. But he’s too far gone. Tonight seemed longer than usual. And how I cannot listen to the person who kept on listening to me since the beginning. How can I fail the person with the benefit of the doubt just this once.
And this is the only moment that everything that happened made sense. The heavens cried with me as I could no longer see my favorite person leave. Without proper explanation. With only rushed feelings involved. How can we always break some things we hold on for so long by things that are only temporary.
How can we always let our irrationality take over some important things in our life?
How can we throw hatred and realize things when it’s already too late?
Is it really over? Those little pieces of him that I love the most and hold onto become the reasons why I don't have him now.
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