Chapter Text
Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
-
The first time Lexi ever feels comfortable sharing about her constant anxiety is a phone call with Fezco O’Neill.
They had been on the phone every night for a couple weeks. Lexi admitted to feeling like an idiot, the way she spoke rapidly of random facts and stories that take up space in her mind. But Fez reassured her with a smooth voice that he liked to hear her talk. And though it made her blush profusely, she simply replied with a shaky ‘thanks fez, I don’t hear that too often’.
Lexi feels more comfortable now. He asks questions, makes her question things, and it makes her feel like she’s someone else. Someone far more interesting than she thinks she is.
Lexi curls up her bed, Cassie is attending another Friday night party. It’s not Lexi’s scene, most parties aren’t, so she was more than content to spend a few hours talking to Fezco while completing AP Lang homework.
“I don’t know. I’ve been staring at this for so long and like, none of the words make sense anymore. I should just erase it and start over,” Lexi breathes a tense sigh, “my point isn’t getting across the way I want to. And my grade is already on the edge of an A-, which would ruin my gpa.”
She falls onto her back in a huff and halted at the popcorn ceiling above her bed. “I sound insufferable. I’m so sorry.”
“The fuck you apologizing for goofy? S’all good. You ain’t insufferable. You jus’ stressed is all. You damn smart, girl. I bet yo ass just over thinking like usual,” Fez replies from the other end.
Lexi blushes again. She’s always blushing when she talks to Fezco.
“It’s just,” exasperated, Lexi bites at her nails, “my GPA has to be pretty fucking perfect if I want a good scholarship. Pretty sure my dad spent me and Cassie’s and college funds on drugs,” she tells him. She laughs, but there’s a little bit of bitterness in her voice.
“Shawty. You gon’ be fine. Quit stressing. You making me feel stressed and I’m pretty sure I ain’t even have a GPA in high school,” Fez says, he rolls his eyes but not in annoyance, “yo read me that. Let me hear it.”
“Okay, but don’t say anything until I’m finished.”
“Cool.”
“And don’t judge the first few lines. I wrote those first.”
“Aight.”
“Oh and-“
“Lex. C’mon girl.”
Lexi smiles sheepishly. “Right. Okay here it goes.”
The entire time she reads, she pulls at her sweatshirt collar anxiously. It’s ridiculous, she thinks as she recited her essay lines, making her phone call-text-only friend listen her stupid document. As she finishes off the final paragraph, she sinks into her pillows and holds a fistful of her shirt in her hand.
“Fez?” She mutters hesitantly.
“Yoooo…” is all she’s greeted with. He laughs, but it’s not judgmental, just genuine soft laughter. She finds herself giggling a little too. “That shit was like for real book status. If yo teacher don’t like I can put in good word, for real. Had me boggled, or whatever the fuck you wanna call it.”
“Boggled?” Lexi’s giggles turn into full laughter.
“Boggled. On god. You gotta stop being so hard on yourself, ma. Doubtin’ yourself and shit. Ion like you being so mean to yourself,” Fez says.
Lexi bites her lip. She shuts her computer. “Sorry-“
“And you apologize too damn much. What’s that thing you were talking bout? Something about patriarchy and shit? And women apologizing too much,” Fez says. Lexi brightens at his remembrance at that fact from a couple weeks ago.
“Historically, women have apologized a lot more than men because men held higher positions in society in the past. So women were forced to take a submissive role, and pretty much apologized all the time because men felt like they themselves couldn’t do anything wrong. Most men are still like that, no offense.”
“None taken, ma. For real tho. You gotta stop doing that.”
“Apologizing?”
“All that shit. Being sorry for everything. And doubting yourself. It ain’t right, Lexi Howard.”
Lexi tries to ignore how her heart flutters when he says her name like that. She’s full on grinning now, pressing a curled finger to her lips as if to tuck away a secret.
“I guess I’m just used to it. I’m always worried I’m doing something wrong or disappointing someone. Being sorry..is natural for me. Sorry that sounds-“ she catches herself and shakes her head, “-I think I’m just going to stop talking.”
“Nah, don’t do that. It’s aight. Imma help you.”
“Help me..?”
“Help you quit talkin’ like that. You gon’ learn to not feel sorry for everything that ain’t yo fault,” Fez says, a matching smile at his end.
“Is that a threat?” Lexi teases.
“Only if you want it to be, ma.”
“Alright. Well I’m submitting my paper right now. I’m over it. I did my best, that’s what counts, right?” Lexi opens her computer again and pulls it on her lap. She tucks her hair behind her ears and skims over it one last time before clicking the submit button. She relaxes as it changes to ‘turned in’.
“My threat working?”
“I think so,” Lexi grins. Essay be damned.
-
The first time they hang out it’s at Fez’s house. They’re both curled on the couch, Lexi anxiously fiddling with her cotton sweater. She smiles nervously at the blue-eyed redhead, who supplies her with a fond look only reserved for a select few.
“You good?” Fez asks. He cringes at his bluntness that he’s used to using. He takes a drag and sits up a little more. “I mean like, you just look stressed or some shit.”
“I always am,” Lexi answers right away. She blushes at her quick answer. “It’s just. Never mind. I don’t want to trauma dump on your couch.”
“Trauma dump? Fuck you mean?”
“Overshare. You’re my friend. I don’t want to dump my problems on you, you know? There’s like..people who get paid to do that,” Lexi says. She shrugs, squeezing the old afghan in her hand. Fezco shakes his head.
“Nah. What kinda friends you got? Ain’t that what friends do?”
“Maybe. Not my friends, at least.”
“Lex you can tell me whatever. I wanna listen,” Fez says earnestly, “cmon. Tell me Ms.Howard.”
Lexi feels her chest tighten. Her name has never sounded so pleasant in someone else’s mouth. She nods. He has a way of making her tell everything she’s ever wanted to keep secret. Which is her entire life basically. “Somethings wrong with Cassie. And everytime I try to get her to talk to me she just explodes in my face. No matter what I do or how I ask. Everything I do is wrong. But I just want to help. She’s my sister. I worry about her.”
“Yo I ain’t got sisters,” Fex says at first, rubbing his hand down his face, “but like, shit sounds like it ain’t your problem. If she don’t wanna talk, that's not on you, ma.”
“I know..it’s just. I’ve been taking care of her my whole life. I don’t know how to stop. I take off her makeup before she falls asleep when she’s drunk, and I supply her with homework answers if she needs them. I just want to make sure she’s happy. Her life hasn’t been easy. That’s what sisters do.”
“Your life ain’t easy either. What makes it so different?”
Lexi shifts, biting her nails. “Well..Cass. She hasn’t been viewed in a positive light by our classmates. Which is totally unfair, because she’s so nice. Real Cassie is nice. Not whatever character she’s playing for whatever boy she’s with.”
“Yeah. I heard some stuff about her.”
Lexi widens her eyes. Fezco raises his hands up in defense. “Heard only, ma. I swear ion fuck with disrespecting women like that.”
Lexi nods. Because of course he wouldn’t. He’s Fez. Kind and understanding Fez. Lexi sighs and curls into herself a little more. The protective shell around her cracks and chips away every time she’s with him. Which terrifies but equally excites her. No one has ever taken the time to ever so carefully dissect the parts Lexi hides behind shyness and an ability to put on a positive front at any time.
She feels -well she feels like a person.
“I know you don’t. All I know is that Cassie is upset and everything I do isn’t helping,” Lexi sighs. She buries her face in her hands and groans. “See. It’s ridiculous. Dumb sister problems.”
“Problems are problems, Lex. Don’t matter where they comin’ from. Have you thought about not helping?” Fezco asks carefully. He raises his eyebrow at her.
“But..why? I want to.”
“Just because you want something don’t mean it’s good for you, Ms.Howard,” he nods to the blunt between his fingers, “this ain’t really good for you. But people buy my stuff. If I weren’t raised in this shit, I’d be a DARE kid.”
Lexi giggles. “Would you believe me if I told you that I was a DARE kid?”
“Of course you were, ma. That’s what I like ‘bout you. You just one wild card,” he gives her a goofy grin that makes Lexi squeeze her hands together and give him an equally big smile in return. “What I mean is, people do shit that’s bad for em all the time. Yours is like, not being a dick to people who are dicks.”
“You’re saying Cassie is a dick?”
“Nah, I just-“
“I’m kidding, Fez. Sort of. Cassie can be a real huge dick sometimes. She’s a pain in my ass. But I also love her more than anyone,” Lexi waves her hand at his regretful expression.
“See. Wild card.”
“Like UNO?”
“Shit, I mean the game is fire,” Fezco shrugs. He glances toward the kitchen. “We got it if you wanna play. Ash kicks my ass at it every time. Boy is a cheater.”
“And I kick Cassie’s ass. Come on, let’s play!”
Lexi eagerly stands up and Fez follows like a puppy. He’d follow her anyway, he thinks as he feels her happy expression as he digs the box of cards from the box.
“Imma order dinner. Shuffle the cards, gonna ask Ash what he wants. Are you okay with Chinese?”
“Sounds great. Thanks, Fez.”
“anytime.”
That night Lexi settles into a purely happy look as the three of them sit around the table and stuff their faces with noodles and chicken, screaming various obscenities. At one point, Lexi’s high pitched ‘fuck you, fucking cheater!’ at Fezco’s plus four makes the man laugh so hard he snorts.
Lexi almost feels embarrassed, but Ash’s entertained smirk and Fez’s belly laughter makes her forget any reason why she should ever hate who she is.
(Fez wins the game, and though Lexi would usually be pissed, she sits there and smiles like a dork because Fezco’s radiating joy is something that she could live off of forever)
-
Lexi feels like throwing up.
She stuffs her head into her hands and groans, kicking her feet into the theater stage floor.
The play was one big mistake, she chastises herself. Of course Cassie is fucking pissed. While Lexi doesn’t regret making Nate feel embarrassed, her throat is tight with shame for making her sister so out of control and angry. All those years of looking after her older sister is practically worthless compared to what she’s done.
She wants to run and hide away and never reveal herself to anyone ever again. She’s fearless, she tried to remind herself. But she just feels like a little girl again.
“Lexi?”
She frowns. “I can’t right now.”
“Not even for me?”
She looks up, eyes widening in surprise when Fezco stands a couple feet away. He holds a bouquet of roses in front of him and gives her a soft smile.
Lexi wipes at her tears and gives him a shaky look. She knows she looks as pathetic as she feels.
Fez walks over and gently kneels beside her. He offers the roses, and Lexi takes them hesitantly. Her brown eyes glisten at the gift. She feels her tears building up for a new reason.
“For me?” She asks breathlessly. Fez sits beside her and nods.
“Who else puttin’ on a play, Lexi?”
Lexi laughs a little at herself. “Right.”
“Why you back here? You gotta play to put on, girl,”
Fez says gently. He nudges her side. She shrugs, wiping at her runny mascara and sniffling.
“I don’t deserve these,” Lexi sighs, tenderly running her thumb along the top of a flower, “this play was fucking stupid.”
“Why?”
“Cause I hurt Cassie. I knew I would and I still did it.”
“Cassie hurting herself, ma. Play ain’t gonna stop that. You doin’ one thing for yourself. For real, don’t stop cause you gettin’ scared now. You fucking fearless, Lexi. I mean that shit,” Fez says proudly.
Lexi meets his eyes and swallows. She nods. “I just..I don’t if I can. I’ve embarrassed myself.”
“You only embarrass yourself if you ain’t gonna get back up there. Cmon, ma. My Lexi ain’t the kind of girl to give up just cause some mother fuckers don’t like what she’s doing,” He holds his hands out. Lexi looks at them hesitantly before placing her soft ones in his calloused palms.
Fez helps her to her feet. They linger in the touch. Lexi’s dark eyes trace his face. She takes in his wrinkle free suit and buries her face in his shirt. She breathes in his familiar scent of weed and cologne.
Fez wraps his arms around her in surprise.
“ Your Lexi?” She mumbles against his chest. He laughs a little.
“That’s what you worried about?”
“Fez,” she whines, “you mean it?”
“Mean it? Of course I fucking do. But we otta save that for later. Looks like you’re needed, Howard. Get yo ass back on that stage. Show ain’t over yet,” Fez says. He squeezes her hand and nods over to Bobbi, who is standing by the curtains with a little smile.
Lexi nods, anxiously adjusting her shirt. “The show goes on,” she whispers, “thank you, Fez.”
“Thank me later. Get goin’ girl.”
Lexi nods, laughing softly. She follows Bobbi, turning by the curtains with a shy smile. He sends her a thumbs up. Lexi thinks she might cry at how warmly he treats her.
It’s Fez that Lexi gazes at through the rest of the play. His comforting eyes, gentle and knowing. He smiles at all the right parts, clapping and grinning with everyone else and hollers at the end as Lexi takes the final bow.
The curtains fall and Lexi is quickly pulled into a group hug by her castmates. She giggles and claps with them, tightly wrapping Bobbi in a hug. The girl has quickly become a close friend. Bobbi gives her an expectant look, lightly bumping her hip. Lexi takes it with a laugh and thanks her for all the help.
She spends a few minutes discussing the next few shows with Ethan. They share equal giddiness and leave with a quick hug and high-five.
Lexi bounds out the back of the theater, clutching her jacket in her arms as she squeals.
Her eyes find Fezco standing by the door, flowers still in his arms and a patient look on his face. She takes no time to run over and hug him again. She wraps her legs around his waist.
“Yooo,” Fez draws out. He chuckles at the sudden embrace, but doesn’t complain. It’s the touchiest they’ve ever been.
“ Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Lexi murmurs into his shoulder.
Fezco places his hands beneath her arms and places her feet on the floor. She gives him a nervous look. “Me? Hell did I do?”
“You’ve been here for me,” Lexi says thoughtfully, “I don’t know if I’ve ever had anyone dedicated like that. So thank you, again. I just want you to know how much this all means to me.”
“Aw Lex,” Fez rubs at the back of his neck. A light pink brushes his cheeks. He knows if Ash were standing with him he'd call his brother a ‘pussy ass bitch’ . The thought alone makes him chuckle a little. “No problem, for real. I wanna take you out to celebrate, but uh, looks you got a fan.”
He nods over to Suze, who is waiting by the other set of doors. Her face is plastered with a knowing smirk, her hands placed on her hips as she watches the two talk. Lexi bites her lip and turns to Fez.
“I’ll be right back, wait for me?”
“Always, ma.”
Lexi grins. She squeezes his wrist before walking over to her mother.
“Hi mom,” she says happily. Suze wraps her in a tight hug, peppering her head with motherly delight. Lexi laughs and squirms beneath the foreign form of love.
“Lexi! Baby! That was incredible ! I had no idea I have such an amazing Broadway star in my home! Oh Lexi, I’m coming to every show. Simply amazing, honey. You are so incredible and I am just so proud of you!” Suze is beaming. The sight is unusual to Lexi, but nonetheless she soaks it in. She is gleaming under her mother’s praise.
“Mom, did I,” Lexi sighs, “do you know where Cass is?”
“Don’t worry about her, sweetheart. When she decides to come home, I’ll take care of it. You just put on a performance !” Suze waves her hands around dramatically. “Don’t ruin your night Lexi love. Ugh, I just can’t believe my little girl is a star!”
Lexi feels her heart tighten at the childhood nickname.
“Thank you. I-“ she glances back at Fezco and wipes her sweaty hands on her pants, “do you mind? Me and..me and Fezco are going to go out.”
Suze smirks at her daughter’s flushed cheeks. She knew Lexi had some secret love she had been hiding, the endless phone calls and giggling at her phone screen was enough evidence. She’s pleased to see it’s such a handsome young man waiting in a suit and with a bouquet in his hands. She gently takes Lexi’s face into her hands and kisses her head.
“Of course. But we’re talking about this later!” Suze says. Lexi tightens her lips and holds up her hand. She awkwardly shuffles away to escape her mother’s interrogation. “Don’t get pregnant, Alexandra!”
Lexi groans, dragging Fezco out of the theatre by his hand. His boisterous laughter carries them through the door.
“Ignore her,” Lexi rolls her eyes as they walk towards the Cadillac, “for real, did you like it?”
“Damn, Lexi. How many times I gotta tell you before you believe me? Shit was wild. In a good way. You gonna be famous one day, Lexi Howard,” Fez says. Lexi blushes under his compliments.
Fezco stops in front of the car and pulls up the passenger door. She looks down bashfully as she slides into the car.
He gets in the car beside her. She fiddles with her hands as she starts up the car. “Yo, um. I got something else for you. Before I forget,” Fez says slowly. He slides a hand into his pocket and pulls out a crisp envelope. He doesn’t meet her eyes as she takes it from his hand.
Lexi quietly studies it, overcome with so much gratitude for the man next to her. She carefully slides her finger beneath the fold so she doesn’t rip it. Lexi pulls out the card, the front has a picture with hand drawn flowers. Turning it around, her eyes begin to water as she reads off the writing.
Lexi,
You fearless. I been proud the whole way. Do your thing, I’ll be watching.
-Fezco
“Yeah, um, Faye decorated the front. Ion’ know..I’m bad at saying what I mean, but..” Fez trails off.
“ Fezco! ” Lexi looks up with watery eyes, a surprised expression. She wipes at her eyes and holds the card to her chest. “Fez, it’s perfect. I’m -I’m speechless.”
“Damn ma,” Fez shakes his head, “it’s just a card.”
“It’s more than that,” Lexi whispers, she looks down to the flowers in her lap, “this is the first I’ve gotten flowers like this.”
Fez meets her eyes with a soft look. He almost looks sad, like he can’t believe Lexi hasn’t gotten flowers. He reaches over and squeezes her hand.
“Lexi Howard, imma buy you a whole ass garden.”
-
Sleepovers become a common occurrence between Lexi and Fez.
It started off as Lexi being too tired to go home, and Fez offering for her to stay the night.
They soon discover they both like it much better than sleeping alone.
Lexi sits on the bed, dressed in one of Fezco’s shirts and a pair of sleep shorts. Her hair is pulled into a loose bun at the top of her head, little hairs fall against her cheeks as she focuses on finishing an assignment.
Fez pauses at the door, fondness tucked in his smile as she watches his girl type away. Lexi is huffing, clenching and unclenching her fist as she rereads her work for the sixth time. It only feels more stressful.
As she goes to bite her nails, a habit that’s difficult to break, Fez plops next to her. He takes her hand into his and kisses it. Lexi meets his soft look and rolls her eyes affectionately.
“It’s late. And you got school tomorrow,” Fez reminds, “can’t you finish tomorrow?”
“Yeah but-“
“Aight, so you finishing tomorrow,” Fezco says. He shuts the laptop and sets it in the nearby dresser. Lexi raises her eyebrows at him. She groans and flips onto her back. “Cmon, Lex. Get yo ass in bed, goofy.” He playfully poked her side, eliciting a small shriek that spills into a giggle.
“Okay! Okay!” Lexi rolls over and places her feet on the floor. She looks over to the side table and reaches for her bottle of sleeping pills. She frowns when finds it empty, having used the last one the other day.
“Fuck I forgot to get more of my meds from home,” Lexi whines.
“Your sleeping ones?“
“Yeah,” Lexi sighs. “I’m going be like a fucking owl tonight.”
“Nah. C’mere. Imma put your ass to sleep,” Fez says. He turns off the light and slides into bed, opening the covers to beckon her to lay next to him.
“I’m not sure that it works that way,” Lexi says with a little laugh. Nonetheless, she snuggles next to him, draping one arm over his chest as he leaves a firm grip around her. “I am comfy though.”
She hums, resting her head on his chest. He runs his fingers through her hair and kisses the crown of her head.
“How long you been on those things anyways?” Fez. asks out of pure curiosity.
“I started when I was eleven. I had pretty bad insomnia then. I could go like days without sleeping. So my parents took me to a doctor and everything. But it kind of sucks, because they help me sleep, but I haven’t really had any good dreams. I get nightmares sometimes, but not like dream dreams. I miss dreaming,” Lexi says after a moment's thought.
Fez nods. And even though it wasn’t her intention, he senses double meaning in her words.
“Yo but you were a kid then. You ain’t ever thought to stop em?” Fezco asks. Lexi shakes her head.
“No, I guess not. I’m always worried that if I will I’ll mess up my sleep and do bad in school..and be more stressed,” she says, “it sounds dumb. But having chronic sleep issues can cause heart attacks and shit. If you don’t sleep that much for a long time.”
“It ain’t dumb.”
“Yeah,” she breathed softly, “I used to be really stressed as a kid too. With my parents and everything. That probably made it worse.”
“Yeah. You they ain’t ever thought that was the problem?”
“Nah. They had bigger concerns,” Lexi sighs.
“Ma, you fucking matter. Cmon, what can I do to help you get to sleep?” Fez coaxes sweetly. “Imma get your ass to sleep. Watch me.”
“Are you magic?” Lexi asks with a teasing voice.
“No, but you are.”
“That’s so grossly adorable,” Lexi says, giggling. Fez chuckles in return. “But actually,” she taps her fingers on his chest, “could you read to me?”
“Read? I can do that. Whatchu want me to read?”
“Anything, I just like your voice,” Lexi shrugs.
“Aight. Hold on,” Fezco moves a little. He reaches for the book resting by the lamp. He flicks the lamp on and sits up a little. Lexi moves so she can be turned towards his chest, her head tucked beneath his chin.
Fez kisses her head, enamored by her soft eyelashes and slightly parted lips.
“Comfy?” He asks.
“With you? Always.”
“Cutie,” he mumbles.
Fez opens the book, glancing down at her one more time before grazing the words and softly murmuring the words. The night is completely theirs. And they’re so content in this little world between their arms. He’d put the stars in her sky if she asked.
Lexi falls quiet as Fezco reads.
And about an hour later, he smiles when he feels her breaths become even and soft snores are heard. He glances back to his book and finishes.
“Sweet their memories are, oh improve them as they fly, these happy golden years.”
He turns off the light and tucks the book away.
He doesn’t tell her that he falls asleep faster when he’s with her too.
She doesn’t tell him the following morning that she finally dreams. She dreams of a farm, chickens, goats and a sun bright enough to feel real.
These are some happy fucking golden years, they both think.