Chapter Text
He could've said so much more to Frank. There's a lot he has to tell him, but to get everything out, they'd have to sit down for a while, and right now they're too busy to really do that. Since their unexpected meeting in the cafe, Gerard's mind has been running through so many scenarios of what could happen if he told Frank this or that. They range from Frank being calm and collected and telling him to go on, to Frank staring him down a few seconds before letting his fist fly towards Gerard's face. There's just so many different directions their conversation could've taken, and Gerard feels like he didn't tell the other man enough of his thoughts in the amount of time he had been given.
He flops backwards onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. It's their last day in LA, and Gerard's going to have to meet up with the Hormones later after they've finished packing their things and went around LA for the final time. To be honest, he'd really just like to get another cup of coffee at that cafe with apparently no name. A little while ago after Frank had left, he had returned to the cafe and asked the workers what the name of the place was. Turns out it's not legally owned and they're just really lucky that the police don't hang around that particular part of LA. It's taken care of by some relatively skilled coffee makers who unfortunately could not afford the spot but were so enthusiastic about turning it into a business of their own that they built it up by themselves. At least business is booming there and they haven't been caught yet, which makes Gerard kind of glad. He'd hate to see such a nice cafe go, even though it's a secret one being run under the police's noses. Before he left, he had given them a rather large tip that probably made their whole week. It'd definitely help them with accumulating enough money to own the cafe properly rather than illegally.
The cafe with no name deserves his big tip. It did get him the chance to talk to his old friend/ex-something. Gerard has no idea what to really call Frank now that he's started thinking back and reminiscing about memories and moments he had hoped to forget since marrying Lindsey. He's pushed any moments with Frank that gave even the slightest hint of love to the back of his mind. Now that he got to see him again, all of those memories suddenly seem to have rushed forward and are now keeping Gerard from thinking clearly. It's making him feel even more confused, but also more confidant in fixing the mess he created between him and Frank.
It's his turn now to do that job- repair what he's broken. In the past, Frank had helped him throughout most of his mistakes back then, especially in their early band days, when Gerard was depressed and suicidal. Frank had been there to pick him up, but also make him learn how to do that himself. Gerard can recall many times where the shorter man had kept him from going to rather drastic measures, and that strengthened their friendship to the point where Frank had declared "You're my best fucking friend and I would die for you!" Maybe this also is the reason why their fake romantic actions on stage eventually became real off stage. More physical contact (well, when fans and photographers weren't around) and teasing comments cropped up, and he remembers that Mikey had even asked him about it after one of their shows.
"Gee." Frank and Ray had already left and went to their respective dressing rooms to change out of their stage clothes. That left the Way brothers in the empty hallway backstage. As the sound of the crowd outside died down, Mikey said, "What are you doing?"
"Whaddya mean, Mikes?" Gerard chose to play dumb. He wasn't going to admit whatever he was doing with Frank out loud. He didn't have the guts.
"It's not just an 'onstage' kind of thing anymore." The younger Way brother said this in a factual tone. He wasn't questioning it.
The older brother frowned at that, a hand running through his hair. "I don't know. I don't know where this is heading." He sighed. "I do know that he's got Jamia. I swear, I'm not gonna let this get deeper than it has to be. It's just... for fun." That was a shitty way of phrasing it, but Gee had no idea how else to say it. This thing that he and Frank were doing was nice. It could pass as something real, but it's not. It's just for fun, and he can live with that fact. There's nothing behind it, and he's okay with that.
Mikey didn't seem to be though. In fact, he seemed to grimace behind his glasses. "You know how wrong that just sounded right? It sounds like you're leading him on or using him for entertainment, which, to me, is pretty fucked up, especially with Jamia being involved." Gerard could tell how much that bothered him. His little brother hid his concern for his bandmates incredibly well, but his voice gave away how much he cared about the possibility of Frank getting hurt because of Gee. He detected disappointment as well, and that sure as hell didn't sit well with Gerard.
"No! Never Mikes. I'd never do that to Frank. I'm not gonna try to hurt him. Me and him both agreed that the point of this whole thing was to piss off the homophobes and nothing more. I know he's with Jamia, but what we're doing isn't gonna affect their relationship since it ain't anythin' serious."
"So why are you doing off stage, when the rest of the band's the only ones around?"
"Just because it feels nice, okay? It just feels... Fuck I don't know Mikey, we both like it now! We've warmed up to doing it and we're so used to it that we're doing it everywhere. Like I said though it's for that one purpose and that one purpose only. We're not going beyond any of the usual couple stuff alright? He can do all of that with Jamia." Gerard had to note that he mumbled that last thing, and he knows Mikey did too.
He's scrutinised by the younger brother for a moment. Then one of the dressing room doors down the hall opened up, and Ray stepped out of his room, wearing a completely different outfit that was probably cleaner than his previous clothes. He saw the two brothers standing in the middle of the hallway and said, "Hey what are you guys doing? Get changed! I thought we all agreed to change faster this time so that we could get in more shut eye to make up for last night?"
"Right, sorry 'bout that Ray. We'll go in a minute," Gerard replied. Ray nodded before returning to his dressing room. As soon as his door closed, Gerard turned back to Mikey. "I meant what I said. This whole... 'Frerard' thing as fans are calling it, isn't real. Me and Frank are just makin' some closeminded people mad on purpose and we're gettin' a little carried away with it. That's all Mikey, I promise." He did his best to sound as sincere as possible.
Thankfully, Mikey decided to let Gee go. Gerard felt like Mikey still doubted him, but if he did, he was putting up his walls again to hide it. There were some walls that Gerard just couldn't see through. "Yeah. Fine, okay. Let's just get going. I'm getting pretty tired." He didn't sound or look tired, but Gerard didn't say anything about it. They simply proceeded to their dressing rooms.
When Gerard entered his room and the door shut behind him, he immediately fell back against the door and slid to the floor. He drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around his legs, his head falling forward onto his knees. He had to figure out all of this shit between him and Frank. He knows that this had to end eventually. Gee's positive that goofing off with Frank like this behind his girlfriend's back is going to bite them in the ass later, and actually pursuing a real relationship with Frank would bring in a lot of negative attention for MCR in general, not just them. People would surely judge them, and he was not willing to let all of that backlash against him and Frank affect the reputation of the band.
Not that he'd ever actually make something out of the 'Frerard' thing. That would never happen as long as Frank had Jamia. Gerard's just lucky enough to be single and that he didn't have to worry about cheating. But he felt like what's going on between them could turn into something- and that thought scared him. He couldn't let it get too far, or get too serious. Then they'd have a huge problem.
Gerard groaned, his eyes clenched shut and his hands fisted in his hair. Little did he know that Frank was in the same position in his own dressing room, questioning what the hell he and Gerard were doing as well, but also how he could even think to do this behind Jamia's back.
Eventually, they really had talked about it, agreeing that they'd just keep doing what they did for shits and giggles. As long as they did it out of the public eye, they were okay. This meant hand holding, hugging, cuddling, you name it. However, they did draw a line.
They never fucked once.
They drew the line at sex. It was reserved strictly for Jamia and Frank. Yes, it's hard to believe that they never ever crossed that line, but they did their best to refrain from any sexual activities. Other than ridiculously heated kissing sessions when they were absolutely certain that no one would walk in on them, they never did anything beyond that. They had surprisingly great restraint, although it was for the sake of Frank and Jamia's relationship. So, Gerard and Frank stuck to the usual activities of couples. Ray would call it cute, while Mikey would sometimes agree but give Gerard a questioning look- something that Gerard tried to brush off. Mikey never asked Gee about it again, but the older Way brother knew that Mikey was still skeptical about what Gerard had said. The present Gerard would've felt the same. The old Gerard had simply been in denial for far too long.
Until finally he let himself believe in it, even if that was a huge mistake.
It was just another one of those times that Gee and Frank were alone. The band was staying at a decent hotel, and their bandmates had left to wander the hotel or check out some nearby shops. The two men were sat on the couch that faced the wide window, which let a lot of light stream into the room and gave them a nice view of the city.
Gerard was laying comfortably against a corner of the couch, his left arm on the arm rest and cradling Frank against him. Frank had laid down next to him, and relaxed as Gee carded his hand through his hair. Frank looked so peaceful and content, his eyes shut and his face adorned by a small smile. The older man would've thought he was asleep before Frank suddenly wrapped his arms around his neck and leaned up to place his lips on Gerard's. He was shocked for a second before responding eagerly, deepening the kiss that lasted for a couple of minutes. However, before Gerard was able to get his body to move and let things escalate further until they hit that line they refused to cross, Frank pulled back.
They didn't say anything for a while, and just stared at each other, their lips only a few inches apart. Gerard felt Frank studying his face, looking at every detail, and in turn Gerard did the same for him. Big, wide eyes that shone bright from the morning light that came from the window in front of them, slightly pink and swollen lips from being kissed over and over and over again- god Frank was gorgeous to Gerard. Nothing could compare to him. No matter how much Gerard could deny that his relationship with Frank was real, he could never deny the beauty that Frank Iero held. It was just impossible for him to. Frank's lips stretched into a breathtaking smile, and he let his head rest in the crook of Gerard's neck, his arms falling and wrapping around his waist in a tight hug. Gerard had no idea why Frank was doing this all of a sudden but returned the embrace anyway.
Then he heard whispered words that were so quiet he almost missed them.
"I love you, Gerard."
And instead of his heart feeling soar, he felt it plummet to the ground.
Rather than return the words, Gerard yanked Frank away from his neck and pulled him up for another deep kiss. He figured Frank would see this as his way of saying "I love you" back, but really, Gerard just couldn't say them. He didn't want to.
Frank moved away from him again, and he gave Gerard a look of determination. "I'll prove how much I love you, and you can do the same for me. Let this thing last for a little longer. We can get this to work out. If it does, then I'll break it off with Jamia."
"You love her though."
"I do. However, I love you enough to stop hurting her and let her go."
Then Gerard felt his heart skip a beat. He knew that he shouldn't have felt joy at the thought of having Frank when it meant splitting up him and Jamia, but he couldn't help it. As cheesy as all of this was sounding, having Frank say those words were starting to make him think this could actually work out. That he and Frank could actually be together for real, and would no longer have to hide it from the world.
And then came Lindsey Ballato.
Upon her introduction into Gerard's life, he saw her as another inspiration, just as he saw Frank. When they had finally chosen to take the next step after realizing that they did like each other as more than creative partners, Gerard had communicated with her more and more. He spent more time texting and calling Lindsey than cuddling and kissing Frank. He was aware of this, but he never tried to change it. Maybe this had been a sign that he and Frank couldn't work out. At one point he had thought that nothing could compare to Frank. Lindsey proved him wrong. She was absolutely stunning, fun loving, invested in music, had a wonderfully creative mind...
Gerard now realizes how much she's like Frank.
They are so similar in Gerard's mind. Honestly she could be the female version of Frank Iero. There's not many differences he can point out between them, even personality wise. They're both absolutely amazing to Gerard. How he could've picked one of them is hard for him to remember. Oh right. The string of events that led to the downfall of Frank and Gerard's possible/impossible relationship. Frank had even created Leathermouth to scream all of his heartache and pent up rage after things got rough. And then their show at Hoboken- how could he forget? Throughout that whole show Frank had given him the cold shoulder, which was not out of the ordinary since the day of Gerard and Lindsey's wedding. "Lie to me", Frank had said during I'm Not Okay. Gerard had done enough of that, which had led to the group splitting up briefly. Thankfully Gerard made that call later on, and all he'd want to remember from that call at the moment was the exchange of the phrase, "I miss you." He'd love to repeat that in the present.
Ever since Danger Days, Gerard had felt those feelings between them grow again, but he meant it when they said they had to stop the stage gay thing from back then. They accidentally slipped back into it from time to time, but nothing drastic ever happened. Now that they had wives and kids, they knew they could never do things like that again. Gerard knew though that the looks they cast each other were more than friendly. Heartbreak started showing in Frank's eyes during Conventional Weapons, all the way to that fateful day, when MCR turned into an idea.
And now, everyone's off on their own projects. Gee loves it, going solo. He's finally able to do what he couldn't with the image MCR had painted him as. Hesitant Alien's just way too much for him. He's still talking to Mikes and Ray, even though Ray's deliberately keeping out of the public eye recently. Gerard's refrained from calling Mikey up though, since the last time they talked, Mikey had mentioned he had to work out stuff with his bandmates. Gerard didn't want to bother him if they had to work through something. Other than that, things are great for Gee. The family he wouldn't give up for the world is waiting for him at home, and he's still close to his own old bandmates.
All he's missing is Frank Iero.
Gerard would love to contemplate more on how he's fucked things up for the both of them when his phone starts ringing. Maybe he's been in here longer than he thought. He answers the phone as he heads out of the room and waits for the elevator. He's told to meet up with the Hormones at a specific record store that's not too far from here. Gee makes a mental note of the name of the store and says he'll be there in a few minutes. Once the call ends, he's already outside of the hotel and walking down a crowded street to the meeting place.
He spots a record store across the street, but he realizes it's not the correct one. The right shop is probably further ahead. But Gerard doesn't move yet. He sees a group of faces he recognizes waiting in front of the store, and then he spots Frank further down the street, making his way towards them. Gerard watches as the group comes together, talking animatedly about something with Frank, who seems really interested in whatever it is. The rest of the Cellabration enters the record store, but Frank stops before he follows them in. He starts looking around, and Gerard speed walks around a corner. He's hidden himself for a few seconds before looking back at the store. Frank's not there, but Gee can see him in the window looking at an old vinyl disk. Gerard could take this chance and talk to him again, since he's aware that the Cellabration is also leaving LA today too. This could be the last time they'd see each other in person as well.
Yet Gerard decides against it and walks away, instead continuing his way to the correct shop to meet up with the Hormones.
Fast forward a month or two later and Gerard's in another hotel room. He's at his desk overlooking the town they're in, sketching another outfit he could take on. Black shirt, black pants, black hair, red tie. Now doesn't that sound familiar. Gerard feels a little hesitant in finalizing the outfit. People could take the new outfit the wrong way, taking it as a another (false) sign of a comeback. He can't help it though. Lately it seems like everyone's reminiscing about the old band, so Gerard decides to hop onto that bandwagon and mark the sketch with a note to come back to it.
He doesn't know how long he's been sitting there, but he doesn't bother to check the time. Gerard thinks it's time for another one of his classic and random tweets and opens up twitter. However when his phone screen lights up, he sees a message notification and opens it. The message is from Mikey, and says "Check this out" with a link. He taps on the link, and is brought to a tweet made by Frank that contains a video of a recent interview. Wait, since when the hell does Frank crowdsurf? Gerard remembers that Frank isn't into being touched unless it's by family or his old bandmates, back then at least, so he doubts that Frank's comfortable feeling tons of fans' hands on him. Once he finishes watching the whole interview, he texts Mikey back.
Why did you send me this?
Gerard gets a reply back in less than a second, as if Mikey knew that he would click on the link and was already waiting for Gerard's response.
Because I knew you'd care.
And he's right. Gerard does. In the end, he retweets the interview.
"I told you didn't I?" Jamia says with a smirk on her end of the skype call.
"Jams, it's not a big deal," Frank replies, scratching the nape of his neck, refusing to meet her eyes. "He probably had no idea beforehand."
"Yeaaaah, but he had to have found out through someone right?"
They realize who that someone might be and say the name at the same time. "Mikey Way."
Jamia laughs this. "Yeah, it had to be Mikes. So that means that Gerard chose to look at your tweet and watch the video. And he chose to retweet it. That means-"
"Don't you dare. I refuse to agree to it-"
"-he does care. And he's trying."
"What if it was him I saw at outside of the record store that day? Why didn't he try then?"
"He probably got stage fright, Frankie, I dunno. We don't have a clue what runs through his head nowadays but he was probably nervous back then since he did meet up with you before and confront you. But now he's taking that first step to fix things," Jamia tells him, her smirk morphing into a genuine smile.
Finally Frank turns his head to look at her directly. "Yeah, okay. Okay, Jamia."
"So you know what that means." Frank doesn't respond and laughs a little. "No more crowd surfing, got it? I was already worried when you randomly made the decision to let people carry you to a bar during a show like that. I mean really Frank? They could've dropped you-"
"Yeah I know, I know, don't worry Jamia, I swear that this is the last time I'll do it," Frank reassures her, her worrying over him making him laugh even more.
"Good... but Frank?"
"Yes?"
Let Gerard Way back into your life. Please?"
"I'll try. I promise."