Chapter Text
Abigail,
This is going to sound contrived, but I am quite certain that the idiot writing in about his husband is my long-lost twin brother. N, if that’s you: you’re an idiot. A major idiot. I’m still angry at you, by the way, I don’t care if it’s been thirty years.
That being said. You married him, loser. (And we’ll be having words about my lack of invitation, by the way.) If he’s kissing you “tenderly” (gross) then I’ll be truly amazed if he doesn’t return your feelings. The fact that you’re debating this in a newspaper column astounds me.
If that isn’t you, then you’re still an idiot, but not my idiot, so no words will be had. Good luck with all that.
Apologies to Abigail for hijacking her column,
Brother to fucking idiot
“What the fuck,” breathed Josephine. “Oh my god what the fuckkkk.”
“This just keeps getting juicier,” said Sharon, sipping her iced tea. “A twin brother. Wow. Truly astounding.”
Dear Abby and my brother,
Abby, I apologize. If I had any other way to contact him, I would take it. However, it seems he sent in the first letter anonymously, as the return address is an empty lot in the middle of nowhere. Thanks for that.
To my brother: this is how you choose to contact me? Seriously? It’s been thirty years, you changed your name, I was worried sick, and you decide to contact me through a newspaper column? You know I can’t send you a letter or call you if you don’t give me any contact information?
And how in the world was I supposed to invite you to the wedding when you were, again, missing? I had no contact information! Should I have put an ad out in the newspaper with your name in big letters?
“How in the world did he know the return address was an empty lot?” said Josephine under her breath. “That isn’t like, public, did he look in our files—"
Sharon was cackling hysterically. Before Josephine could even ask her why, she held up the advance copy of the Gazette, to be printed the next day. On the ads page was a huge ad taken out that covered most of the page that read “YES. -idiot’s brother”.
I didn’t even know you were still in Stonetown! was the ad the next day. Why won’t you give me a phone number so we can talk about this like adults instead of through the newspaper?
“NO.” read the next one.
“How much are we, as a newspaper, making off of this drama?” asked Josephine. “I mean, those ads aren’t cheap, right?”
“People actually write in about HH and this drama,” said Sharon. “Which is why we’re allowed to keep publishing them, I think.”
Dear Abby,
What do you do when your long-lost twin brother breaks into your house in the middle of the night and then gets mad when your husband, thinking he’s an intruder, knocks him out by punching him in the throat? Because honestly, I think it was a pretty reasonable reaction to someone breaking into your home in the middle of the night. Quite frankly, he’s lucky it wasn’t our friend in yellow who found him.
HH,
I don’t know how you keep getting into these situations. On the bright side, it seems as though you finally have a chance to communicate with your brother about… whatever has happened?
Abby
At this point, there’s the “Dear Abby” column, and then a small corner at the side generally reserved for… whatever this is. Normally they wouldn’t continue printing it, but considering it was actually driving up newspaper sales as almost a local in-joke, their manager had allowed it to continue.
Abigail,
Completely unreasonable! He said he wanted to talk, he invited me over, and then his ridiculously huge husband who he insists isn’t in love with him punches me! The nerve! The audacity! He’s lucky I didn’t go through with my original plan to take the house!
“Take the house???” wheezed Sharon. “What?? What is happening? I’m so confused. Jo, help.”
Josephine put her head in her hands. “Spies,” she said. “This has to be spies. What the hell is going on.”
Dear Abby,
For reasons I literally cannot even begin to explain, no. There is no communication happening.
In a completely unrelated hypothetical, attempting to erase all of free will through actual brainwashing and subliminal messages is considered an act of supervillainy, no? I feel as though this has a clear answer but apparently it needs to be spelled out.
Abigail,
If in this hypothetical the brilliant scientist is in fact making the world a better place—
This letter continued into some mildly frightening philosophical arguments about humanity and free will and ended up being drastically shortened with a note from the editor.
Abby,
So my dads and now my uncle (?) have been writing in a lot and I just wanted to try it.
what do you do when you ran away to join the circus once and you don’t want to go back for like, REAL, and live there like you used to, becus you like your home, but you DO want to keep learning from the acrobats because you were getting pretty good at it, but you know your dads would be scared of you getting hurt and not want you to do it because you’re very small? I’m not actually very small but they think I’m very small. But I am very good at doing flips.
Sincerly,
The GREAT!!!! WEATHER MACHINE
Dear Abby,
I am. very sorry that my family seems now intent on using your column as a messaging board of some sort. Please don’t worry about our daughter, she is getting some safe lessons with a trusted supervisor. As for my brother. I don’t even know where to start. The rest of you: please stop.
Abby:
Last letter from us! Us being HH & co., or whatever you may call us. I haven’t actually written in before, so I thought I should get a turn! Just thought you should know: they’ve finally worked out the original letter. Namely, our friends have finally gotten themselves together and are renewing their vows. Still working on the evil twin thing. If the Emergency ends, then all is well! If the world ends, then all is considerably less well.
Love,
A stranger
"This is the most wild ride I've ever been on," said Sharon. "Is this like... performance art? Have we been punked? We're being punked, aren't we. This is all an elaborate prank set up by like.... Jeff, from Marketing."
"Why Jeff?"
"I may or may not have eaten his lunch a few weeks ago."