Chapter Text
An uneasy air filled not only the Golden Deer classroom, but rather much of the monastery as a whole. The previous mission had gone well in all regards, but the impact had settled uncomfortably throughout the students. While only Byleth’s class had participated, word traveled quickly throughout the Officer’s Academy. Many of the students training to be knights knew of the implications of their future duties, but hadn’t anticipated missions like this so soon into their career.
Claude lingered near the classroom after class had ended. He stayed in his seat as the students each began to quietly pack up. Usually, the Golden Deer were notoriously chatty, but there was an uncomfortable quiet that rested heavily between the cracks in the stone walls. Truthfully, it felt like eyes were resting on them, watching their every move, yet never making a move.
He was a bit tired of it, really. Claude was by no means the house leader that Edelgard and Dimitri were. They were so stern, the both of them having a solid head on their shoulders. They were people their classmates could rely on. Why couldn’t he be the same? Why did he still have that itch to run, even after all these years?
He swore his time in Fodlan would be different, that he wouldn’t be the coward he was back home. Even if he tried his best not to be, he was still just a kid. He was just a kid.
The classroom was empty after a few minutes. Claude leaned forward, resting his arms on the table, propping his head up on his arm. He quietly twirled a small piece of paper between his fingers, rolling it into a little ball. He hadn’t expected to feel so silent so suddenly, but the lack of sleep he had been dealing with for the past few days had finally caught up on him.
It didn’t take long at all for him to doze off into a light nap, hunched over the desk in an awkward position. He couldn’t fight it off even if he wanted to, really.
His dreams were muddled, likely due to his exhaustion. But clear images flashed occasionally through murky colors and muffled sounds. He saw the face of a bandit-- the one he killed just mere days ago. He saw the flash of anguish tear through his face as a stray arrow buried its way into the fleshy part of his exposed neck. Claude could feel the beat of the wyvern’s wings swaying him, forcing him to focus harder with each shot.
Out of arrows, he drew an axe, the hefty weight causing his arm to give just slightly. He had only just started using them a few weeks prior, and the training axes back at the monastery couldn’t compare to the heavy iron. It was unwieldy, forcing much of his focus to just support himself in his saddle.
He could smell the scent of burning, not unlike the burning of gamey meat being cooked in the dining hall. But this felt heavy, heavier with the sound of screams and crackling energy through the air. Claude’s gaze fell on Lysithea, watching the girl’s magic circle disappear in front of her as her hands began to tremble.
The bandit didn’t even die. All that, and he was still writhing on the dusty floor of the canyon, his skin bubbling and blackened from the unnatural heat of her Fire spell. It was a disgusting sight, hard to look away from. It seemed to affect Lysithea too, who couldn’t tear her eyes away from his mangled form.
Claude had to intervene. He kicked his heels into the sides of his wyvern, coaxing it to rush in the direction of the bandit. Maybe it was adrenaline, or maybe it was fear. He raised his axe up high, then swung it down with a weak cry.
Even in the dream, he remembered how it felt. The weight of his axe, the unexpected squishy softness the blade had met, and the squelch of cut flesh followed by an interrupted scream. The sound rang in his ears for a while after that, and he remembered little else of the battle.
Just the scream, and the rhythmic beat of leather wings.
There was something off about everyone, and Lorenz wasn’t stupid enough to not know why. The incident at the Red Canyon was something weighing on the hearts of everyone in the monastery. He was certainly no exception.
Yet, he knew it would be undignified for him to show weakness. It was hardly the first battle he had witnessed, but it was the first he had ever participated in. He had gone with his father numerous times to quell the occasional skirmishes that popped up near the Adrestian border. He was no stranger to the idea of battle, nor its sounds and setting.
But even Lorenz couldn’t deny that he was totally unaffected. He could remember with unshaking clarity, the sight of his lance breaking through the flimsy leather armor the bandits had worn, spearing through flesh unbearably similar to the way his fork speared through food.
And the closeness of the bandits as they drew their last, wheezing breaths…He couldn’t forget how it made his own lungs feel as though they had burst themselves.
He needed to have a word with Byleth. He needed to reflect, perhaps over tea, in order to clear his head. Byleth had been a mercenary for years, and their unshaking attitude was clearer than water, especially on the battlefield. He quietly hoped they’d be willing to give him insight on how to manage such heaviness.
He entered the classroom an hour or so after their class had ended for the day. What he had expected was Byleth, sitting at their desk as they sometimes did. What he hadn’t… was Claude out cold slumped over a desk.
Lorenz frowned, stepping quietly closer to him. He grimaced a bit at the dried drool crusting up around the corner of his mouth. Still, despite that, there was something odd about the way Claude looked. Maybe it was the fact he looked at ease, or that he wasn’t flashing that stupid looking smirk of his.
Frankly, Lorenz was struck by how young he looked.
He took a sharp step back, clearing his throat. Claude merely furrowed his brow at the sound, Lorenz frowned, crossing his arms for a moment. What to do? If Claude was so tired to fall asleep like this , maybe it’d be better to leave him be. But still, it was undignified, unsightly to have their house representative drooling all over himself and knocked out in the classroom.
No, he couldn’t stand for that. Lorenz reached over, resting his hand on his shoulder, ready to shake him awake. But the moment his fingertips even just barely brushed his shoulder, Claude jolted awake, sitting up straight and staring at Lorenz with widened eyes. Frightened and frozen, not unlike a deer.
Lorenz took a surprised step back, pulling his hand away quickly to give him space. The two were still for a moment, awkwardly staring at one another as if waiting for the other to move first. It was an odd situation, frankly. For once, Lorenz seemed stumped on what to do.
Claude’s shoulders relaxed a bit after a moment, a frown settling in a thin line on his lips. He sat up a bit, straightening his shoulders. “I’m not really up for hearing it from you.”
Lorenz’s lip pursed thinly. “And who said I was going to--” He broke off, biting the inside of his cheek. “You looked uncomfortable, sleeping like that. If you’re truly that tired, you ought to go back to your dorm.”
Claude’s gaze flicked past him, glancing at the empty doorway. “You know, Lorenz,” Claude murmured. “After the last mission, you’ve been the only one who doesn't seem particularly affected.”
Lorenz frowned, his brow pinching slightly in the space above the bridge of his nose. “What are you trying to say?”
“Nothing, nothing,” Claude waved a hand, standing up with a grunt. “I just… wanted to know what you thought of all that.”
“I… suppose it wasn’t my favorite thing to do,” Lorenz spoke carefully. “If the church demands something to be done, then it’s a nobles duty to--”
“To kill people?” Claude interrupted. “Not even just that, but make children do their dirty work for them? Don't you think that’s a little odd?”
Lorenz felt a hot flash of turmoil deep in his chest, spitting out a defensive response. “Do you question the authority and wisdom of the Archbishop? The church?”
“Don’t you?” Claude pressed. “If Rhea--sorry, Lady Rhea-- keeps up with this, won’t she be making everyone live in fear of the church? How can that be called faith?”
Lorenz fell quiet, pursing his lips. He wasn’t wrong, he supposed. But this was blatant blasphemy! If he spoke like this in front of his father, he…
He brushed off the thought just as quickly as it had come. “You understand how this is making you sound, correct?”
“Lysithea is fifteen years old,” Claude murmured. “If the Knights of Seiros are as great as they are, why are we making fifteen year olds fight on their behalf?”
A chill ran down Lorenz’s spine at that. No, he couldn’t keep listening to this. Claude was blatantly trying to twist him up in some.. Some traitorous scheme! He wouldn’t be fooled! Not him, certainly.
But.. there was truth to his words. Even if they were a part of a scheme, somehow, it made Lorenz think. Was the church-- Could the church be wrong?
Claude had left without another word, leaving Lorenz to stand alone in the empty classroom. He felt it then, the somber feeling that made the air heavy and thick, almost suffocatingly so. And, as he thought about it more, there was something wrong about their mission. Maybe he wasn’t alone with the feeling, after all. Maybe… just maybe…
Lorenz didn’t know what to do about it. Though, the conversation provided him with something to mull over. How trustworthy was Rhea? And how trustworthy was Claude?
The days dragged on, the weather growing warmer with each passing day. Close to two weeks had passed since the mission, and the atmosphere had changed considerably. There was a quiet acceptance of what had occurred, and perhaps it was the knowledge that there was little to do about it that allowed people to move on. Or, maybe everybody was in the same boat--that they didn’t want to be showing any signs of weakness.
Regardless, there had certainly been a change of pace in the Golden Deer classroom, at least. Everybody was in a flurry, rushing to put together haphazard decorations. It was Lorenz’s birthday, and Hilda insisted on throwing together a gathering. Maybe she had wanted it as an excuse to get dolled up and have fun, but she had confidently assured it was out of her love for her dear friend.
Who, at the moment, was actively being distracted by her. Which also could have been an excuse for her to not have to bother with any of the preparations.
Still, even as rushed as it was, Claude was pretty impressed with how the preparations had turned out. Between Raphael and Leonie alone, much of the work was done without him even needing to lift a finger. Instead, he only had to occasionally warn Lysithea not to take any samples of the cake before Lorenz even got a chance to look at it.
“They’re coming!” Leonie whisper-yelled, pressing herself against the wall nearest the door. She gestured vaguely with a flap of her hands, trying to get everybody to hide.
Marianne yelped, squeezing herself deeper into the corner she had taken for herself. Everyone else fumbled into place, while Claude scooted his chair closer to the wall. A quiet hush fell around them, anticipation running rampant through the stiff shoulders of all the students.
And, at the first sight of Lorenz walking through the door, they all let out a triumphant “Surprise!”
It looked like Lorenz had nearly jumped out of his own skin in surprise, staring at each of them with a flabbergasted look. He pursed his lips, clearly trying to hide a smile.
“What..” He shook his head, looking at each of them. “What’s all this for? You didn’t have to go through all these lengths..”
“It’s your birthday , dummy,” Leonie smiled, giving him a sharp check to the shoulder. He let out an oof , letting himself be knocked a bit. “Of course we were gonna do something .”
Claude smiled a bit as everyone gathered around, humming softly. It was nice to see everybody so uplifted, chattering without a worry. Frankly, this was the atmosphere he was used to, the one he enjoyed seeing the most. Even if he wasn’t one for gatherings with people he didn’t know too well, it was nice to see the Deer coming together like this. Like a little family, almost.
After hanging around a bit, they gathered around in a makeshift circle, passing presents to Lorenz for him to open. They were little things, fancy baubles and odds and ends. A lot were handcrafted, whether it be a small piece of artwork, or a wonky carving made of wood. Even if he didn’t quite understand, Lorenz clearly seemed appreciative that he had gotten anything at all.
Lastly, Claude brought his present up. It was small, a thin envelope with a little wax seal keeping it shut. He handed it to Lorenz, who looked it over with pursed lips.
“This better not be a prank,” Lorenz mused, glancing at Claude with an unamused look. His eyebrow quirked upwards in question, looking over the little package.
“Ah, come on. I’m not that bad,” Claude waved him off. “Just open it, okay? But be careful with it.”
Lorenz blinked, glancing down at the package. He carefully opened it, breaking the seal with his thumb. Peeking inside, his eyes widened slightly. “They’re..”
“Seeds,” Claude nodded. “Roses, specifically ones native to Gloucester.”
Lorenz was still staring at the seeds, lips parted just slightly. Claude faltered. Was it a bad move? Was it a bad gift? Just as he was about to awkwardly apologize, Lorenz spoke up.
“Thank you, Claude,” Lorenz gave him the tiniest of smiles. “I appreciate it, truly.”
Claude blinked, a bit taken aback by the sincerity in his tone. He twisted his braid between his fingers, waving him off. “Thank me after they actually grow. I could’ve gotten bad ones, you never know.”
“Was that all the gifts?” Lysithea interrupted. “We should have the cake, before the frosting starts to melt.”
The party went off rather well, playing games and enjoying cake. The thing was gone in a matter of moments, thanks to the sheer willpower of Lysithea and Raphael alone. All that had been left behind were a couple candles, and crumbs and frosting.
The noise was nice, but Claude was getting a bit tired. He slunk off to the sidelines, watching on with quiet While everyone was busy chatting, Claude felt a tap on his shoulder. He glanced back, surprised to see Lorenz lingering so close.
“Claude, could I have a word with you?” Lorenz murmured. In a rare form, he barely met Claude’s gaze. “In private, ideally.”
It was an odd request, one that Claude would normally decline. Though, as far as he knew, he didn’t give Lorenz any solid reason to tell him off. He gave a little nod, following him towards the door. Plus, it was a good excuse to take a breather from the antics of the rest of their group.
Lorenz led the way outside of the classrooms, heading through the patch of grass to seat himself on the benches outside. The wooden seats were well worn, bits of the splintery wood poking out in odd spots here and there. Lorenz sat down first, gesturing for Claude to follow suit.
The two sat in the quiet for a moment, and for a moment Claude wondered if the tension would cause him to suffocate. Finally, Lorenz spoke.
“Thank you for helping with this,” Lorenz murmured. “It was rare that I got such opportunities when I was younger.”
Claude glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. “Really? I thought you were the type to have all sorts of extravagant parties…” Celebrating yourself , he wanted to add, but now wasn’t the time.
“I enjoy them, yes,” Lorenz nodded. “Sometimes, at least. But as a child, I.. well, perhaps it won’t come as a surprise to you, but I had few people my age that I could invite, let alone count on them attending.”
Claude pursed his lips. He could understand why, and it wasn’t just Lorenz’s personality. Sure, he could be a bit overbearing at times, but that didn’t make him a bad person. “I’m sorry to hear that, Lorenz.”
He shook his head. “It’s not something you have to bother apologizing for,” He waved a hand. “Frankly, I’m not sure why I even told you of all people. Should rumors start to circulate, know that I’ll be certain who started them--”
“Alright, alright,” Claude smiled. “I won’t tell anybody, okay? I swear on my heart.”
Lorenz looked at him for a moment, as if trying to read him. He hummed in wordless approval.
“Besides,” Claude tentatively continued. “I understand how it feels. I wasn’t exactly popular as a child, either.”
Lorenz blinked. “Your childhood… You know, I find it near impossible to imagine you as a scrawny thing,” He mused. “There’s little I know about you. I, or anyone else. It’s unnerving, sometimes.”
Claude frowned a bit, glancing away. He looked down at his shoes, quietly kicking into the dirt with the toe of his boot.
“I won’t press you for it today,” Lorenz continued. “You’ve been kind to me. I mean it when I say I appreciate it.”
Claude nodded. Still, there was an odd feeling in his chest. He couldn’t trust Lorenz, not yet. Not enough for him to tell him everything.
“Also..” Lorenz cleared his throat. “The flowers.. Back home, we have a garden. It’s exquisite, truly, with an array of Gloucester roses on every trellis. The gift you gave me, I’m sure it’ll aid in any homesickness for the months to come.”
Claude glanced at him, a bit surprised. Homesick? “You miss home?”
“Sometimes,” Lorenz nodded. “Maybe not everything about it, certainly. But I do miss the privacy. Still, it’s nice to have some time to relax, and this is truthfully the only place I think I may find peace.”
Claude stared at him for a moment. This was Lorenz at his most relaxed? Here, at the academy? Where he was constantly breathing down his throat, nagging on him for every little--
“Please, don’t look at me like that,” Lorenz grimaced. “Remember what I said about you being unnerving? You’re giving even more examples.”
Claude flushed, clearing his throat. “Sorry. But, uh, homesickness, huh?” He scratched his chin for a moment, looking away to glance over the lawn. Still empty. “I understand the feeling.”
“Do you?”
“I do,” Claude nodded. He chose his words carefully, but perhaps not as carefully as he should have. “Like you said, there are parts I don’t miss, of course. But for the most part, I’d like to go back, someday.”
“S--” Lorenz cut himself off, just looking at Claude. He didn’t say anything else.
Claude was quiet for a moment, glancing down to fiddle with the hem of his sleeve. It was awkward, even more so than before. What was he supposed to say?
“We.. should probably head back,” Claude stood, brushing off his clothes. “Everybody’s probably looking for the birthday boy.”
Lorenz pursed his lips, nodding slightly. “Okay. You go first. I’ll follow shortly after,” He murmured. “I just need a moment or two.”
Claude nodded, heading back to the classroom. What an odd conversation. And what an odder feeling in his chest. Warm, but.. Uncomfortable.
He wouldn’t overthink it. But the feeling lingered, along with the image of Lorenz’s expression as he looked him over. Not in an inquisitive way, like the probing search for secrets. Rather, that of a concerned friend, or a curious child. His skin felt like it was crawling, but not in an agitated way. Unsettled, like there was something missing.
And for the first time, he wasn’t sure he was ready to figure it out.