Chapter Text
June 30th, Year 1519
Dear Diary,
As per usual, Im writing to provide a personal account on my journey through Helheim. Technically speaking, it's called Hel, but in order to differentiate between its ruler who is the namesake of the place and the actual realm of the dead, I call it Helheim after the Norse underworld. Plus I feel kinda dirty for saying that I'm in Hel. I could be saying that I am inside Hel, the place but someone with a much more unsavory line of thought could misinterpret that as me saying that I'm inside Hel, the death goddess. Barf. No thanks. I wouldn't touch her or look at her if I had things my way.
I probably shouldn't be writing about how potential double entendres influenced me to slightly change the name of Hel to Helheim. While this is my own personal journal and I should feel free to write whatever I flippen want to, I also realize that this could be potentially used as a historical document of some sort long after I am gone. If I were not so inclined to believe that people would eventually read this, my language would be much more foul among other things. I may be Prince Alfonse's tactician now, but before my arrival in Askr, I was much more… liberal with my word choices. I only chose to cut back on it because I am still expected to maintain a certain level of professionalism with the royal family. I may be in a romantic relationship with Al, but considering that it has only been a few days since we started dating or… I guess the fancy noblemen would call it a courtship, but "courtship" is loaded term I feel. Like… you are expected get engaged and then married at the end. It just feels so… foreign to me. To be fair, I am a foreigner in Askr, so there still customs in Askr that I'm not familiar with.
I suppose I should get into the actual meat of the current situation in Hel. It's been a few days since our last proper encounter with either of Hel's generals. There is still something that bothers me about Líf, but I can't say for sure what it is. Líf looks too similar to Al. Even if they are related, Al should be too far down Líf's genetic line to look that much alike. I'm not a geneticist, but the similarities between the two shouldn't be that strong. I doubt that Askr's influence on Líf's family line would make his phenotype that strong unless there was some weird Royal incest shenanigans in the family line. Royal families in my world tended to marry between other royal bloodlines until every royal was related to each other in some form. Look no further than the Ptolemies and the Hapsburgs. So much incest was involved in those families, that the actuall strength of the bloodlines were made worse. Genetic disease ran rampant in those families. Heck hemophilia was a genetic disease carried by the British Queen Victoria and through her, it was passed down through her family until it indirectly caused the fall of the Russian Empire.
Shoot I keep getting sidetracked. I doubt any future Askran historians would understand anything about what I just wrote. I just dropped an extremely abridged version my world's history. Anyway, it still bothers me that the family resemblance to Alfonse appears to be as strong as it does. His looks, his mannerisms… Líf is like an edgier version of Al. He is much more angrier than Al typically is. I feel like… if Líf wasn't trying to kill me, then perhaps I could just… I don't know but I can feel his sorrow and anger radiating off him sometimes. Perhaps I am just imagining things, but I just cannot shake the feeling that we have known each other for a long time.
I suppose there is no use dwelling on it now. Hel's castle is still a few days away. I hate this place and summoning still hurts me like crazy. I loathe Hel for doing this to me and once we find a way to thwart her, I will do it with great satisfaction.
August 03, Year 1519
Dear Diary,
There isn't much to report but by Askr or whatever deity is out there watching over us, I think I might actually be melting. Today, Al said that I was cute and that I had pretty eyes. We were eating the rations that we had packed beforehand. I've never really liked military rations because they always taste bland and gross. Anyway, before I knew it, Al was sitting next to me really close to just staring at me. I thought it was unusual for him but perhaps he was feeling particularly… clingy? I'm not sure if that's the right word for it but now that we are much closer to Hel's keep, he's been more worried about me than usual. I asked him about what was bothering him and he just pulled my hood down, and wiped the corner of my mouth with his handkerchief. Apparently, I had some crumbs on my mouth.
I was a bit confused because I thought he was upset about something but he was just concerned about the mess on my face. After that he just blurted out that I have gorgeous blue eyes. I asked him to repeat himself again because for a moment I couldn't believe what I heard. He then told me again that he thought my eyes were beautiful and that he thought my smile was cute. I feel like I must be dreaming… I am lucky to have found a person like him.
Admittedly I did enjoy watching him blush the second time around. He's just so cute, smart, and kind. Askr knows that I've been writing cheesy stuff about him in my previous entries… and some um… other things that are best kept in here. I swear if he found this, sent this to be unhexed by one of the dark mages and read it, I would probably die of embarrassment. There are other things that I prefer him not to see but those are more grim in nature.
I will still have to tell him about what happened that day. I know King Gustav told me to take that secret to my grave if I must but I won't. I'll tell him one day. He has a right to know about what really happened to King Gustav. I just hope he won't decide to hate me for my part in his father's death.
August 04, Year 1519
I finally got a chance to get some quiet time from Sharena pestering me to kiss her brother. She's been doing it for a few days and each time I have to remind her that I'm trying to focus on the march that's still ahead of us. She called me a fun ruiner. Like… we are in Helheim! Filled with dead people who want us to join their ranks. I can't afford to play around! My promise to His Highness cannot be fulfilled if I am making out with Al all the time. I don't want to lose them. I love Al and Sharena has become like a sister to me… I don't think I could handle losing either of them.
I feel emotionally exhausted and physically drained. How much longer can I keep running on empty like this? I can't just take a break either, because I have to ensure that our little ragtag group of heroes stays relatively safe. One wrong move and it could be over for all of us. I do wish I could have a hug from Al… it would help if only just a little. What would be extremely helpful is a nice long nap. Helheim makes it difficult for me to sleep though… it is just so unnerving! I don't think anyone is getting enough proper sleep, honestly.
Ranulf and Chrom have been extra generous in taking shifts for us when it's time to sleep. I just hope it doesn't negatively affect their fighting abilities too much. I do worry about-
"Kiran, I'm a bit worried for your health. You haven't slept in days. Please… say something!"
I looked up from writing in my diary to find Alfonse looking just as exhausted as I was. I could practically feel the eyebags under my eyes forming another set of eye bags.
"I know, Al. I'm trying to fall asleep but I keep getting nightmares when I do manage to get some sleep…" I yawned voraciously.
"Kiran… We need all of our…" he yawned mid sentence before continuing "strength. You can't go on like this."
"I know, sweetie but… I have a hard time staying asleep." I say in delirium not fully processing the things I was saying.
"Kiran… is there anything I can do to help? Anything at all?"
"Could you give me a hug? Pretty please Alfy?"
Al looked at me with a mixture of concern and embarrassment. I guess I might've been a bit too heavy on the pet names for him. He didn't complain about it, however. "...Of course, Kiran."
He then pulled me in closer to him for a warm and comforting hug. As per usual, I found listening to his steady heartbeat while embracing him oddly soothing. It was a reminder of why I must continue on marching onto death's door in the most literal sense. Honestly if Hel had a doorbell on her door, I would totally play ding dong ditch the door on her as a last "fuck you" to her before shuffling off my mortal coil. At least if she kills me, I will have died somewhat on my own terms. Of course, I don't plan on dying but I will need to make contingency plans for if I die during the war. Perhaps I could write my last will and testament along with it and bequeath my diary to Al for safekeeping along with instructions for him to go to Tharja to remove the hex that I had her place on it. It technically wouldn't be official unless I had a witness sign… but does it even work like that in Askr? I sighed heavily.
"Is there something wrong, Kiran?"
"Just… thinking of contingency plans for what should be done should I be… well you know. I don't want to think about it but there needs to be plans for what should happen following my death. I-I..."
"Stop. Don't even speak of it. I cannot entertain that even for a minute. I won't let you"
"Just listen to me… you know that book I was writing earlier? If I die before the war ends… I want you to take it to Tharja and remove the hex on it. While I dont like the idea of you reading through all the embarrassing things I wrote in it… there is something important in there that I wrote in it. You of all people deserve to know the truth. His Highness may have wanted me to keep it a secret from you to protect you, but I think it's unfair to you and Sharena to be left in the dark. It is… the one thing… I regret most…"
"Shhhhhhh… say no more. I won't let you die. You can tell me when the war is over." He then absentmindedly undid my hair tie and gently ran his fingers through my hair. It felt pleasant to me. I could feel my drowsiness come at me with full force.
"Alfonse… would you sleep next to me? You're so… warm..." I said while nodding off.
Alfonse chuckled. It apparently made him happy to help me fall asleep. He has told me before that he had woken up to me talking in my sleep a few times during the campaign. It is embarrassing to say the least.
"Of course, Kiran. I would love to, if it helps you sleep peacefully"
"Thanks…" and with that, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
Líf pulled out an old and worn out leather bound journal and carefully read its contents for what seemed like the millionth time. He knew it's contents well, as it was a source of comfort to him in a place that was literally driving him mad in every sense of the word. It's owner was long dead but with every entry of the diary, it was clear that the owner lived a full and happy life despite the situations they had often found themselves in. Had he not failed then perhaps the owner would still be alive and smiling. Perhaps they would scold him for digging into their personal journal. Líf would never know for sure though.
He wondered if perhaps they were deemed worthy of entry to Valhalla. He knew why he was in Hel but the fact that he didn't seem to be able to find them among the army of the dead made him hopeful that they were being cared for by the All Father. The person did not deserve to die and they do not deserve to be in Hel.
He opened it to an entry about a ball that they had attended. It was the first formal ball they went to, actually. It spoke of the Heroes they've interacted with, how they stepped on their dance partner's feet so many times that he had to be seen by a healer afterwards, how they might have had "accidentally" spiked the punch and watched as people got extremely drunk. The owner was quite the prankster at times. They mentioned a few more things involving the diary's owner dragging her dance partner to the infirmary while they were still drunk, afterwards they retired to their room together… sharing drunken kisses with each other among other things. It didn't go into full detail of what they did, but he knew what they were implying.
It brought back so many happy memories of him and his Summoner. He would do everything he could to get her back. Líf knew that she would never look at him if she knew what he had done to revive her. Sharena he could live with her disgust towards him, but Kiran… He knew that she would be absolutely livid. It hurt… knowing that Kiran would push him away once his goal was achieved.
It was maddening to know that his only source of comfort also serve as a reminder of his own failures. Not only did he fail his kingdom, he failed his sister and his fiancee. He didn't deserve any happiness. That is why he was sent to Hel. It was his punishment for his shortcomings, doomed to wallow in self pity and hatred and then driven to madness. He should've known that stabbing the Heart would be the demise of his entire kingdom, the one he swore to protect. He should've stopped her from stabbing the heart. Perhaps then her soul wouldn't have been lost to him.
"You really need to stop reading her diary, Líf. We can no longer dwell on what could've been. It's… all gone now." Thrasir said as she approached him.
"It's the only thing that I have besides Briedablik that I can remember her by. We lost everything that day, Thrasir. This is all have left of the woman I fell in love with. You and I are two sides of the same coin and for that I am thankful. It's just… when I lost her and my sister, it was as if I had lost half of myself. I'm sure you feel similarly about your brother"
"I… I don't know if I feel that way exactly but… my brother was all I had. What I do know is that the voice in my head got much louder after he died. It gnaws at me and it tells me to kill… I don't dislike killing, but sometimes I wish it would shut up and leave me alone. When we joined Hel's army… when I started following you… the voice that tells me to kill got quieter. I have a means to direct it somewhere useful when I am with you. We share a goal and that is to bring back our lost loved ones."
"I see… I suppose I don't need to keep looking at it much longer. I have all of it memorized right here" Líf then pointed to his head.
"We must take our leave soon. They are approaching Her."
"Very well then. Shall we watch the battle unfold from the sidelines then?"
"I would prefer killing them myself but I suppose there's no harm in watching from afar. If this Kiran is anything like our Kiran, she would somehow survive anyway. It just means I'll have to kill her later instead of right now"
"No. I will be the one to kill her. I have to."