Chapter Text
She crept silently across the dense forest floor towards a small clearing. Raising up her right hand she motioned for the four hunters behind her to stop. Wind brushed through the tall grass concealing them as she deftly pulled an arrow out of her quiver. Her chest rose as she took in a deep breath pulling back her bowstring, aiming at a young buck chewing on a wad of grass across the clearing. They would eat well tonight.
WHOOSH
The arrow flew inches above the buck’s head. Its ear flicked back. Alerted to their presence, it sprang up running in the opposite direction.
THUD
She let out a loud moan as she fell to the ground cradling her head in between her knees, writhing in pain, completely indifferent to her escaping prey. A throbbing ache radiated out from behind her right eye as a demonic chorus clawed at the front of her temple like a wild animal desperate to escape her skull. Their song was so loud she was sure the other hunters could hear it.
Three of the hunters lost no time chasing after the buck as it took off into the thick canopy of trees, except for a young boy who had just received his vallaslin a few weeks prior. He hesitated, looking down at his fallen leader. Leaning over her he put a hand on her back and pulled his waterskin up to her mouth. She pushed it away with a shaky hand.
“G-g-go, follow the others, I-I-I’ll be fine,” she grunted through clenched teeth. He looked at her for a second like he didn’t believe her, but then turned to catch up with the rest of the hunting party.
Crawling onto her hands and knees she closed her eyes and counted each breath, and dug her fingers into the damp soil attempting to ground herself.
One, inhale.
For a moment she thought it was going to consume her that she would just become an empty husk driven by the blight. Her mind, her body, the very essence of her being demanded she go forth to join her brethren out on blighted lands. Demanded that she add her voice to their song and her body to their search for the old gods.
Two, exhale.
She was afraid to admit she liked it. In the moments where her will wavered it was so beautiful. The melodies transported her back to her youth. In those few desperate moments, she was a child again singing with her friends. Except all her friends’ voices were replaced by the grizzly chants of darkspawn.
Three, inhale.
Sometimes she swore she heard Tamlen’s voice buried deep within their dark symphony. Oh, how she longed to hear his voice again. Oh how she longed to sing with him again.
Four, exhale.
Relief washed over her. The searing migraine was starting to fade into a small throb behind her right temple as she was able to push the voices back into the recesses of her mind. For a while she laid there on the ground, her face pressed into the cool earth waiting for the sounds of the forest to return.
She knew the darkspawn were getting louder, but she had thought she had more time. It wasn’t fair. She had only been home for six months, and it had taken her nearly a year and a half to locate her clan. She shouldn’t have wasted all her time searching for that nonexistent cure.
So much had changed in the last fifteen years since she’d left for Ostagar with Duncan. Many days she woke up and felt like a stranger among her own people. Merrill had left years ago; their old keeper was dead. Her childhood friends had all left to join other clans or bonded and had children of their own. Everyone had gone on with their lives without her, and now that she had returned they stared at her like she was a ghost or some ancient Elvhen who had walked out of their legends.
Still, she had made great strides towards regaining some semblance of the life the blight had stolen from her. She threw herself into training the clan’s young hunters. Teaching them the ways of the bow as her elders had taught her. Adding in new tricks she’d picked up during her years as a Grey Warden.
At night around the campfire she entertained the clan with stories from the fifth blight, of her journeys across Thedas, of her many misadventures as a Grey Warden, and of all the artifacts and ruins of their people she had stumbled upon during her time away.
The children loved her stories so much Paivel suggested that he start training her to take over his place as Hahren, but she had only laughed at him. Finally, after weeks of his incessant pestering she broke down and told him the truth.
“I’m leaving soon.”
“What? But da’len1 you’ve only just returned to us.”
“It’s Grey Warden business, I have to go,” she said, unable to look him in the eyes.
“But da’len I thought you said you were done with the Grey Wardens that you had left the order years ago?”
“I did, but the truth is no one can ever really stop being a Grey Warden.”
He frowned, “What do you mean? Is the order calling upon you again after all this time? How did they even find you here…? Are they threatening you? Look da’len you’ve done enough for those shemlen and their order if you don’t want to go the entire clan will protect you.”
“No, it’s not that… No one is forcing me to do anything… Ugh, look I’m sick!” She closed her eyes tightly, fighting back tears.
“What?” He grabbed her elbow with his left and hand and pressed the back of his right hand to her forehead checking for fever. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner? I’ll go get a healer or the keeper.”
“No…” she pushed his hand away from her forehead. “It's not a sickness you can cure… Do you remember when Tamlen and I found that old tainted Eluvian mirror?”
He took a step back “Of course, how could I forget.”
“Well, the sickness that it infected me with… The Grey Wardens… They couldn’t cure it.” She took a deep breath trying to hold back sobs bubbling up in her throat. “It turns out that all Grey Wardens have this sickness and becoming one didn’t cure me… It simply prolonged my life, slowed down the effects. But I can feel it getting worse again… and this time there is nothing I can do to stop it.”
“Da’len, you should have said something. If the Grey Wardens didn’t have the cure then we’ll keep looking. Surely with our knowledge of ancient magics we can succeed where they failed.”
“No! You don’t get it… I’ve already wasted years of my life looking for a cure… But the truth is that there isn’t one, and there is nothing you, or a healer, or the Grey Wardens, or anyone else can do to save me, ” finally, she broke down into tears.
“Oh da’len.” Paivel pulled her into a tight hug and held her while she sobbed. She was reminded of all the times he’d comforted her as a child, all those problems seemed so inconsequential now.
After what felt like an eternity she pulled away and looked him in the eyes, “I’m going to die, and I have to accept that, but I want to do it on my own terms. Which means I need to leave.”
He let out a long sigh, “I understand. You stay for as long as you want, and when you’re ready to go… The clan won’t stop you.”
“Thank you, Paivel,” she smiled at the old man and wiped the tears from her face, “I’m sorry it looks like you’re going to have to keep searching for your replacement, and at your age you I hope you find them fast.”
He laughed, “I think you’ll find I have a few good years left in me, da’len.”
“You know I’m almost thirty-five. You should probably stop calling me da’len. Besides, do you know how many people would laugh at the idea of someone calling the Hero of Ferelden a small child.”
“Da’len, I still remember when some of my scarier stories made you wet the bed at night. I don’t care if you’re the Hero of Ferelden or the Hero of all Thedas. You will always be a child to me.”
She smiled. Truthfully, she was glad he insisted on referring to her as da’len. Despite all the unrecognizable ways her clan had changed in the fifteen years since she’d left, Paivel had managed to stay the same. Older with a little less hair and a few more lines around his eyes, but he was still Paivel. He was still a grouchy old man with a short temper, and a sharp glare that made misbehaving children sit up straighter. He was still gentle and kind and a masterful wordsmith. He still somehow knew exactly what to say in every situation. At night when he told his stories she was a child again filled with a deep sense of wonder and admiration for the world, and when she was with him she could pretend she was still that young hunter with her entire life ahead of her before her and Tamlin ever stepped foot into that cursed ruin.
She managed to prop herself up against a tall tree and was watching the sun begin to set when the other hunters returned dragging the buck she had missed behind them.
“It took us forever, but we finally managed to catch this guy,” One of the hunters said.
“Good, I’m sorry my mistake almost cost us a meal.”
“You don’t need to apologize. Are you feeling better?” The younger hunter who had stopped to help her before asked anxiously, reaching out his hand to help her up.
“Yes, you don’t need to worry about me, Faron,” She replied, ignoring his hand.
“Are you sure? It looked like you were in a lot of pain. Maybe you should see a healer when we get back to camp.”
“Faron, I’m really okay. I just get these intense headaches sometimes... It’s from an old injury I got when I was a Grey Warden. Nothing you need to worry about.”
“Wow! Really?! I didn’t know that could happen. What’s it from? Wait, wait, don't tell me. I bet you were sleeping on an expedition in the deep roads when a darkspawn ambushed you and knocked you out with a club.” He pantomimed a darkspawn swinging down a club.
She laughed for the first time all day. “No, no if a darkspawn had ever snuck up on me in my sleep, I wouldn’t be here to tell you about it.”
“What?! Then how did you ever sleep in the deep roads?”
“There are a lot of different ways. Generally, we would only set up camp in areas that had been cleared out, and we always slept in shifts with someone on guard duty. If there was a mage in the group they would set up wards near the camp to alert us if anything got to close. Though that backfired a few times when my friend Anders’ cat escaped and set them off. Everyone else in the group was so mad at him.”
“Wait, a cat? Grey Wardens are allowed to have pets?”
“Well not exactly, but when I was Warden-Commander I allowed it.”
“Woah, I would have loved to serve under you. Did any of the other Grey Wardens have pets? If I was a Grey Warden I would keep a wolf or a bear for a pet. You could train it to fight for you!”
She chuckled, “No one ever thought to do that, but a long time ago Grey Wardens used Griffons as stedes before they went extinct.”
“Really?!”
Faron spent the rest of the walk back to camp bombarding her with questions about the Grey Wardens, the deep roads, and darkspawn.
Later that night she ate her dinner quickly and crept away unnoticed while the rest of the clan was preoccupied discussing what to do about a group of humans who had recently been hunting near their camp.
She quietly walked back to Paivel’s aravel2 to grab her bags. The lantern by the door was lit, but Paivel was no where to be found. She paused in the entryway, the moon casting her shadow across the small room inside. It was a tight fit for two people, and Paivel was not the best roommate, a pile of his dirty clothes poked out from underneath his bed. Still she couldn’t complain. He had graciously offered to let her stay with him when she returned, and this had been the first place in years that truly felt like home. She wanted to commit every notch in the wood, every one of his loose socks, and every spec of dust floating in the air to memory before she left.
Her head was buried deep in the chest below her bed when she was startled by an all too familiar voice.
“Were you planning on leaving without saying goodbye?” Paivel asked, standing in the doorway.
“Damn it,” she growled, “How did you know I was here? I thought I’d managed to sneak off without anyone noticing.”
“Faron told me about what happened on your hunt today. When I didn’t see you at dinner I got worried.”
“That little snitch; I should have known.”
“That little snitch cares about you. The boy has taken quite a liking to you, you know.”
“Ugh, I know… He’s a sweet kid, almost too sweet for his own good. Tell him goodbye for me, please?”
“You could tell him yourself.”
“No, I can’t. He’ll have too many questions I can’t answer.”
“Well, if you weren’t going to say goodbye to him you could have at least said goodbye to me.”
“Look, I'm sorry. I thought it would be easier this way. If it’s any consolation I left you a note.”
“It’s not,” He said, giving her a displeased look,“but I’m glad I caught you. I prepared this for you,” He walked past her and went rummaging through a chest near his bed pulling out a small bag. “I don’t know where you are going, or how long your journey will be, or what kind of dangers await you, but hopefully these supplies will help. It’s mostly just food, but I also managed to get a few special medicinal tonics from the keeper. These are powerful Dalish potions that will be hard to come by outside of our clan, so I suggest you use them sparingly.”
“Oh Paivel, thank you so much,” she said, hugging the old man. “I’ve got something for you too.” She handed him a small pouch that contained a few seeds she’d been collecting. “Do me a favor, in a few months plant a tree for me3. One of these should make a fine sapling.”
“Of course, but da’len it’s not too late to change your mind. I’ve talked to the Keeper. At least give us the chance to try and help you.”
“No, the illness is getting worse. I can’t fight it back like I used to even if I wanted to stay there’s no time left. Besides, I have some unfinished business I need to attend to.”
“In that case, you’ll need these too,” he said, pulling out an oaken staff and cedar branch3 from under his bed. “Paivel, I don’t know what to say… There’s no way I could ever repay your kindness.”
“You don’t have to. Finish packing. I’ll wait to see you off,” He said sitting down on his bed.
The soft hum of crickets filled the silence as they walked to the edge of their camp. For a long time they just stood there together basking in each other's presence for the last time.
Finally, he turned to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “Now you’re sure you’ve got everything?” He asked, looking her up and down.
“Yes,” She said rolling her eyes, “Underneath my bed there is a bow I received from a Dalish craftsman I met during the blight. I want Faron to have it. Please tell him I would give up every adventure I’ve ever been on with the Grey Wardens to spend one more day with our clan and him.”
“I will.”
“Falon’Din4 Paivel, I know I’ve said it a thousand times but thank you so much for everything. These last six months… they've meant so much to me.”
He wrapped her in his arms and whispered, “Dareth shiral, da’len.”
With tears running down her cheeks she disappeared into the forest.
Dalish Customs and Elvish
- Da'len - Little child; little one
- Aravel - A wagon used by the Dalish
- The Dalish traditionally of bury their dead in the ground and plant tree over their remains. Their dead are also buried with an oaken staff, to help them travel the paths of the Beyond, and a cedar branch, to scatter the ravens named Fear and Deceit who once served the god Dirthamen.
- Falon'Din - The elven god of death and fortune who guides the dead to the Beyond. Many elves will evoke his name on their death bed or before a long journey they don't plan to return from.