Chapter Text
Forman’s Basement
“Does it bother anybody else that these women live in Hooterville?” Hyde asked as the gang sat around the TV.
“Technically, Petticoat Junction is down the track from Hooterville,” Eric corrected.
“Okay, does it bother anybody else... that they live down the track from Hooterville?” Hyde repeated.
“It bothers me that they bathe in the town’s water tank,” Donna voiced with disgust.
“With the dog,” Kelso tagged on.
“It isn’t the drinking water,” Jackie explained, “It’s the water for the train.”
“It’s still three naked women with a dog,” Donna shook her head at the thought.
“I want to be the Hooterville dog,” Fez sighed dreamily.
The girls gave him a disgusted look, only turning away when Kitty came down the basement stairs.
“Yoo-hoo! Coming down. Now don't mind me. I'm just putting some clothes in,” Kitty announced. She grabbed a button down shirt and held it out in front of her. “Eric, honey... I thought you could wear this on your birthday. It's nice. You look so handsome in it!”
“Why would I want to dress nice on my birthday?” Eric asked slowly.
“It’s your birthday?” Kelso marveled.
Jackie furrowed her brow, “How do you not know your best friend's birthday? Haven’t you known him since like… elementary school?”
“Kelso barely knows his own birthday, we can’t expect much more from him,” Hyde drawled.
Jackie turned back to the TV, struggling to fight a laugh.
Kitty laughed, “You never know what’s gonna happen on your birthday!”
Eric groaned, “Mom, do not throw a party for me.”
“Listen to Mr. Popularity. Like I have time to plan you a party. By the way... your sister Laurie's coming home from college for the weekend. No special reason. She just is,” Kitty rushed out before she fluttered back up the stairs.
“You're getting a party. And best of all, it's a surprise,” Donna said.
Kelso sat there, a slightly perverted smile on his face. “I just realized, Donna's older than you.”
“Only by a month,” she shrugged.
Fez suddenly looked very proud. “Good for you, Eric.”
“Good for me, what?”
“In my country... it is good luck to fall in love with an older woman,” Fez voiced.
“Fez?”
The eyes of everyone in the room were observing him.
“They come with livestock.”
Forman’s Driveway
“I went into the house to go steal some food, and there’s gotta be like seven bags of chips,” Hyde remarked, grabbing the basketball from Donna’s hands. “There’s definitely gonna be a party. Next thing you know Mrs. Forman is gonna tell us to dress up nice.”
“What’s wrong with dressing up nice?” Fez asked.
“It's less about the clothes and more about what people expect from you when you wear em’. I’d have to have… manners or something and that’s just wrong,” Hyde answered.
Donna laughed, “You're so full of crap, you always have manners when you come here. “Would you like help with the dishes, Mrs. Forman?” “Thank you for the food, Mrs. F.” You’re more polite than any of us.”
Hyde glared at her, “Never say those words again.”
At that moment, Jackie walked out of the sliding door.
“What were you doing in there?” Donna asked.
“I saw Mrs. Forman walking up to the door when I passed by and she made me help her with her grocery bags,” Jackie pouted. “But then she told me to tell all of you to dress real nice for Eric’s party and that cheered me right up cause I love dressing nice.”
Hyde narrowed his eyes at Jackie in annoyance, shaking his head as he walked away. Jackie tilted her head and shrugged before turning to Donna. “So?”
“What?”
“What are you gonna get Eric for his birthday?” Jackie asked.
“I don't know. Nothing seems right. I want to give him something special,” Donna stated.
Jackie gasped, “He kissed you!”
Donna whipped her head around, eyes wide.
“Get in the car! Donna, get in the car so we can talk,” Jackie ordered, pulling Donna into the car with her.
“Okay, what happened?”
Donna sat there, half in shock. “Jackie, I’m not gonna talk to you about this.”
Jackie gestured to the boys outside. “Then who are you gonna talk to?”
Donna watched the guys outside in horror, then turned back to Jackie, preparing herself to do the one thing she swore to never do: gossip about boys.
Kelso tapped Hyde on the chest, “What do you think they’re talking about in there?”
Hyde looked at Donna and Jackie in the car then turned back to Kelso. “What do I care?”
“They’re probably talking about me,” Kelso assumed, “Jackie’s probably telling Donna all about my special love powers.”
Hyde looked like he was ready to punch Kelso. “Man, did you just say “special love powers”?”
Kelso stood there with a blank face. “No?”
“You disgust me.”
The Forman House
The Day of Eric’s Party
“Thanks again girls for helping me set up the decorations!” Kitty said to Jackie and Donna.
Jackie beamed, “I love decorating and well… it looks like you need all the help you could get so you’re welcome!”
Kitty glanced at Donna who just closed her eyes. She let out a slightly uncomfortable laugh and went into the kitchen.
Laurie sauntered into the living room, paying no mind to the two girls. She slid behind the bar, poured herself a large glass of liquor and chugged it. That’s when she realized she wasn’t alone.
“Oh. Hi,” she said with false innocence.
Jackie and Donna both waved while Laurie walked back to the kitchen. When she was gone, Jackie turned to Donna with a look of indignation. “That's Eric’s sister?”
“Yep, that’s Laurie.”
“I don’t like her,” Jackie said snotilly.
Donna laughed, “Welcome to the club.”
“Poor Mrs. Forman,” Jackie murmured. “She’s got a daughter with no class and a son with no–”
“Let’s keep the Eric burns at a minimum today. It’s already bad enough he’s getting a party he doesn’t want,” Donna interrupted.
“Ugh, fine. Did you get that candle I told you to get for Eric?”
“Yeah,” Donna answered. “But when do I give it to him?”
“Oh Donna, you’ll know when the time comes,” Jackie cooed, putting her hand on Donna’s shoulder.
“Right… we should get back to the basement before Eric goes down.”
The two girls walked down the stairs to the basement and Jackie sat on the arm of the couch next to Kelso.
“There goes my peace and quiet,” Hyde grumbled.
Jackie stuck her tongue out at him while the rest of the group sat up straighter at the sound of thunderous footsteps coming down the stairs.
Eric found all of his friends sitting awkwardly on the couch and his shoulders slumped in defeat. “Look, I know what you're all doing here.”
“What are you talking about, Eric? We're just hanging out. Like always. Except we're dressed nice. But that doesn't mean anything,” Kelso argued.
Kitty’s frame came into view from the top of the stairs, a wide smile spread across her face. “Hi, kids! I need your help with something. Jackie, Donna, Michael, Steven…” She hesitated for a moment, “Young man with an accent, could you give me a hand? Not you, Eric.”
They all stood, rushing to the stairs to get away from Eric. “God, I can't take it. But I…” he trailed off, bolting to the door, hopeful for a quick escape. The door opened to reveal Red standing there with his arms crossed.
“No.”
Eric sent him a pleading look, “No, I…”
“No.”
“Eric? Eric, honey, could you come up here for a second?” Kitty called.
“Shut up. He's coming.”
Eric trudged up the stairs blank faced, everyone shouted “Surprise!” when he came into view.
“Great, a party.”
Kitty hopped over to him and grabbed his face in her hands, “My baby is growing up!”
Hyde, Kelso, and Fez snickered in the background while Kitty smothered Eric, and Red just stood there embarrassed at the events taking place in his house.
“Kitty, stop suffocating the boy and let’s just make him open his gifts. The sooner we do that… the sooner everyone gets the hell out of my house,” Red grumped.
“Oh Red, don’t be such a party pooper! But presents sound fun, let's open gifts! Here honey, open this one first, it’s from your father and I.” Kitty handed him a box and he hoped his parents actually listened and got him the cassette player he asked for.
He ripped open the box and held back a groan of disappointment upon seeing the contents. “Wow! I mean yeah…”
“It's an eight-track tape player!” Kitty smiled.
“Just what you asked for,” Red nodded towards his son, completely oblivious to the blatant disappointment on his face.
“You made such a big deal about it, so I wrote it down,” Kitty gushed, patting her son's shoulder.
Eric grabbed the present that Hyde was holding out for him, when he pressed his lips into a thin line. “Cassettes. Great. Thanks Hyde.”
“You’re welcome.”
Kitty clapped her hands excitedly, “Let’s put them in the eight-track and play them!”
Hyde tried not to laugh at his friend's misfortune, and raised a brow in curiosity when Jackie handed Eric a wrapped present box. Eric exchanged a look with Hyde before opening it, and to each of their surprise, a genuine smile broke out across Eric's face.
“It’s a hot shave dispenser.”
Before anyone could say anything else, Kitty reached forward and took the gift from his hands. “He won’t need that for a long time,” she said, studying Eric. “A long time.”
“Of course he will! He’s almost like a man,” Midge piped in from the other end of the living room.
Kitty’s lower lip trembled before she started to cry.
Using Kitty’s tears as an opportunity, Donna turned to Eric, her hands clasped together. “I got you something.”
Jackie whipped her head around to Donna, eyes wide. Clearly she was wrong in thinking Donna would know the proper time and place to give Eric his gift.
“No! Donna, help me find my purse, now!” Jackie stood, and yanked Donna into the kitchen.
“What was that about?” Eric asked Hyde, who was looking at the hot shave dispenser on the table.
Hyde shrugged, “I don’t know man, it’s Jackie, she constantly wants the attention on her.”
Eric furrowed his brows, “No, for once I don’t think that's it. Donna just told me she was getting me something and then Jackie got all twitchy.”
“Forman, you’re the only one who gets twitchy around here,” Hyde stated.
Eric opened his mouth to defend himself but no words came out.
The girls came back from the kitchen in time to see Red leading the adults out the door, holding a very emotional Kitty by her shoulders while he pushed her out of the house.
Laurie stood up, and Jackie tried not to notice the way Michael trailed his eyes up her body when she stretched.
“Okay, I’d love to stay, but I’m leaving.” Laurie strode towards the door before Eric stopped her.
“Buy us some beers? We’ll pay double.”
“Do you really think that beer will make your little party better?” She asked.
“Yes,” They all replied in unison.
“I admit it would give you young people a sense of maturity... but it would be a false maturity, and that would be wrong.”
“So you're not going to do it?” Eric asked, though he already knew the answer.
“Of course not,” Laurie snorted. “Now, I'm going off to join my legal friends at a party with a keg. Bye.”
“So, Laurie... where's the party? You know, maybe we'll cruise by later,” Kelso said as he leaned against the back of the couch.
“In your dreams, you idiot,” She scoffed, turning from the group and slamming the door on her way out.
Jackie crossed her arms over her chest. “Michael, what do you think you’re doing?”
Kelso paled as if he was just now realizing Jackie was still here. “I was trying to secure us an invite to another party, damn Jackie!”
Jackie lowered her head and took a breath to gather herself, before spinning around so she was facing Donna. “Remember what we talked about,” she whispered.
Donna nodded and walked out of the living room through the kitchen door. Jackie turned to the boys and approached Eric.
“Donna’s out on the porch waiting for you.”
Kelso’s jaw dropped, “He’s getting the big gift!”
Jackie slapped him on the arm and glared. “Shut up!”
She then turned her eyes back to Eric. “What are you still standing here for? Go.”
Eric hurriedly made his way out of the house to meet Donna on the porch.
“So, Jackie? Eh? Is he getting the big gift or not?” Kelso asked with a goofy smile.
“Not. What is it with boys and thinking that is the only gift a girl can give them?”
“Cause what else is she gonna give him?”
Jackie sighed in disappointment, “She’s giving him a scented candle.”
“That gift sucks, who would give a scented candle to a guy as a gift?” Kelso asked, baffled.
Jackie narrowed her eyes, “I would. I was the one that suggested it.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s romantic, Michael!”
“Romantic cause she’s gonna light the candle while they do it?” He asked.
Jackie expelled a heavy sigh and chose to just ignore her boyfriend and his comments. She knew arguing with him over this would get her nowhere, and she just didn’t have the energy to try.
Jackie moved her attention to the other end of the room where Hyde was taking the hot shave dispenser and hiding it.
“That isn’t yours,” Jackie said.
“So? It’s not like Forman is gonna use it,” Hyde shrugged.
“Oh like you would?” She scoffed.
Hyde turned to her with his brow arched. He gestured to his face, which clearly had some scruff forming on his cheeks. “Yeah, I would.”
Jackie rolled her eyes, “Whatever.”
“Aw look at you kids! Aren’t you all just so stylish and so sweet!” Kitty slurred as she stumbled into the room.
Red lifted her by her shoulders and led her to the stairs. “Not a single word about this, you hear me?”
The group of teens nodded vigorously and stood completely still as Red and Kitty disappeared up the stairs.
Jackie made her way to the kitchen when Kelso grabbed her wrist. “Where are you going?”
She yanked her hand back and pushed the door open, stepping into the kitchen. The guys exchanged glances then shrugged, following her into the room.
They all looked out of the sliding door glass at Eric and Donna.
“This is it, he's going for it!” Jackie whisper shouted.
“Uh uh. It’s his birthday, she should kiss him first,” Kelso replied.
“She did it last time!” Jackie blurted without thinking.
All three boys whipped their heads around, “What?”
“Nothing!” Jackie said quickly, “Shut up and watch.”
“Come on Forman, go for it,” Hyde encouraged.
“The door is open. We can hear you. We can see you,” Eric called into the kitchen.
They all ducked behind the counter.
“Is he kissing her?” Fez asked.
“None of us can see them, Fez,” Hyde deadpanned.
Fez was silent for a moment before asking, “Eric, are you kissing her?”
Donna closed the kitchen door and Eric blew out the candle.
Jackie stood from behind the counter and straightened out her dress. “Michael, take me home.”
He stood, his shoulders sank. “But I wanted cake!”
“Now Michael.”
Kelso stomped out of the kitchen and Fez followed closely behind.
Hyde opened the fridge and pulled out a pop. He opened it and took a long drink before noticing Jackie looking at him.
“What are you lookin’ at?” Hyde asked gruffly.
She snapped out of her gaze and brushed him off. “Nothing. Enjoy your new hot shave dispenser,” she said before rushing out of the room.
Hyde shook his head and trailed down the basement steps, maybe he’d be able to crash on the couch and actually get some sleep tonight.