Chapter Text
“Do you remember what I taught you?” The gruff voice asked as he looked down upon the bush of tousled ginger hair.
“Yeah! Don’t forget to check the thickness of the ice before making a hole,” the young Ajax obediently repeated with a childish grin to his father.
A flat plain of ice surrounded the father and son for as far as the eye could see. Overcast skies brought soft flakes of snow onto the land. There were no houses, no people, no trees. It was simply ice. Cold and unforgiving, but it was the only thing protecting them from falling into the freezing water. That was Snezhnaya. That was home.
“Well, I did teach you that-” Ajax’s father chuckled from his thick, stubble beard- “but there’s something else much more important that I taught you.”
“Only bring what is absolutely necessary?” the young boy tried to search for answers in his father’s eyes.
“Not quite.” The man gazed at his son with amusement.
“Dress warm!” Ajax concluded with pride swelling in his chest.
“I see that you remember a lot of what I taught you, but not the most important thing of all.”
“And what’s that?” Ajax stared, lost and confused.
“Take my hand.” He held his arm out for his young boy to take.
Ajax, being the good son that he was, took the large, mittened hand with his own tiny one. His father’s grip was firm with love and protection. It was the feeling that everything was going to be alright. It was the feeling of being safe. It was sem’ya.
His father tugged Ajax along the barren wasteland of snow and ice. Snow crunched beneath their feet as snowflakes landed in their ginger hair. With each step, Ajax could feel another day go by, another inch grown, another drop of maturity added. He grew older, but his father didn’t change. Ajax grew taller, but his father didn’t change. Ajax became stronger, but his father never changed.
Ajax couldn’t see his father’s face.
They eventually came to a sudden halt. His father dropped Ajax’s hand. By this point, Ajax came just barely above his father’s firm soldiers. His father wasn’t looking at him. Did he do something wrong? Did he give the wrong answer? Had he been a bad son?
“Do you wish to know what the most important thing I taught you was?” the man asked with venom dripping from his mouth. He didn’t look behind him.
“Of course…” Ajax’s voice cracked. Worry was seeping into his lungs. What had he forgotten?
“There are many things that are valued in this world, but the most important thing is your family. Family are the people who keep you safe, who make you feel loved, and whom you must love back. You must protect your family and never harm them. You are their world and they are your world. Do you understand, boy?” the man asked with a growl of a demandant.
Ajax gulped. “Yes, sir.”
“Did you love your family?” Ajax’s father looked over his shoulder with a scrutinizing gaze.
“Yes, sir.” Ajax could feel his heart thudding.
“Then why did you attack us?” his father asked as he took a step forward towards Ajax.
“I didn’t, sir.” Ajax stuttered. He stumbled back as the wind started picking up.
“You attacked your older sister. Now she has a vehement scar on the side of her face.” The man took another step forward. The snow-filled wind grew stronger.
“I didn’t mean to! I swear, I didn’t see her!” Ajax desperately pleaded. His eyes grew wide with panic.
“You attacked your mother. Now she can’t look you in the eyes without feeling terror.” There was another step. More wind.
“I couldn’t tell who she was amongst the crowd!” Ajax struggled to explain with a cracking voice.
Cracking.
There was a thick cracking below his feet.
“You stabbed my eye out when I tried to stop you. Now I can no longer see with that eye.” His gaze was unfeeling and honed. There was no love. Only numbness.
“I swear! I didn’t want to hurt you! I couldn’t tell who was who!” Ajax’s voice was drowned out by the wind. The cracking got louder. “I STILL LOVE YOU! I SWEAR I STILL LOV-”
The ice gave way. Ajax was plunged into piercing cold water. He desperately tried to grab onto something. To grab anything, but the ice kept giving way more and more. He couldn’t hold anything.
It was so cold.
“You are not a part of this family. You no longer love us. You no longer protect us. You no longer make us your world.” Ajax’s father spat. “You are only a monster now, and a monster deserves no love.”
Ajax opened his mouth to try to hopelessly explain himself. Water surged into his lungs. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. Ajax needed to grab something. Anything.
His hand gripped onto a firm piece of ice. Ajax quickly pulled himself up, but he didn’t have the strength to get himself out. He coughed and coughed up the numbing water. Tears spilled down his cheeks. The wind howled around them in a blurry gray snowstorm.
“You are not my son.” Ajax’s father muttered to him. The man turned around and walked away.
“Father, wait!” Ajax choked. He tried to reach towards the man. “Please, I promise I won’t hurt anyone ever again! Just give me one more chance!”
He kept walking. The wind kept roaring.
“FATHER, PLEASE!” Ajax screamed with what energy he had left.
He didn’t look back.
“FATHER!” Ajax wailed with tears pouring down his frosted face. He just wanted to be loved. To be warm. To have his sem’ya. Ajax didn’t want to be a monster.
He didn’t want to be a monster.
Something thick and glutinous curled up Ajax’s leg. The boy desperately tried to shake it off, but it kept crawling. Crawling. Crawling.
With one rugged tug, the thing pulled a screaming Ajax under the water. Quickly, more of the substance came towards Ajax. It crawled up his arms, torso, mouth, and kept pulling. Ajax tried to fight back, but the piercing cold had seeped beneath his skin, chilling his muscles.
The light from the surface faded as he was dragged down into the depths. The dark, glacial depths. Ajax wasn’t sure if he was still crying. The boy couldn’t breathe. The thing was swallowing him up slowly. So slowly. Ajax screamed, struggled, yanked, but nothing worked. He couldn’t fight back. Ajax couldn’t survive.
Ajax was dying.
More of the substance came. It started to take form in front of Ajax. It wrapped and swam around itself over and over before coalescing into a form. The form of a long, razored needle pointed at Ajax’s stomach.
The needle gleaned in amusement.
Ajax didn’t want to die. He wasn’t ready. He had to apologize to his family. He had to make it up to each and every one of them. Ajax wanted to become a hero. He wanted to be someone people looked up to. He wanted to watch his younger siblings grow up. Ajax wanted to grow up.
A muffled sobbed came out of his mouth.
Ajax didn’t want to die, but he was going to anyway. He wasn’t going to get anything he wanted. He was a monster. He was going to die a monster…
He was going to be alone. It was the end.
The needle struck Ajax’s abdomen.
And.
He.
Screamed.
___
Childe woke up gripping the sweat soaked sheets. His breathing was labored and his eyes were wide with panic. The blankets that once covered him were now sprawled this way and that in the pitch black room. His hands were weakly trembling like a child’s. His heart was pounding against his chest, daring it to burst.
It was cold. Cold. So very cold.
This was no way for the eleventh harbinger to be acting. He couldn’t be shaking in his bed like a spooked rabbit. Even if he did just have a traumatizing dream. He needed to calm down. Childe couldn’t be seen like this, but what were the numbers again? Ah, right.
1-2-3-4 through the nose. Hold for 1-2-3-4-5-6-7. Release through the mouth for 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Now repeat.
Childe went through the process for about six, maybe seven minutes? He couldn’t tell, but by the time he was done, his heartbeat had slowed and his hands were no longer quivering.
The harbinger looked over his side to see the moon gazing at him through the window. A wonderful reminder that he probably only got a couple hours of sleep. Absolutely wonderful. And the cherry on top was that he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. Not after a dream like that.
Something twitched at the edge of Childe’s vision. The harbinger whipped his head around. It looked slow. The thing seemed to be crawling towards Childe, like the substance in the dream. Crawling. Like the substance in the dream…
Celestia no…
Childe threw himself towards the nightstand at the side of his bed. Several thuds could be heard as objects fell off the wooden surface. He flicked the oil lamp on. His other hand clutched his dagger. He whipped back towards the thing and pointed the knife at it. The thing that was trying to kill him.
But there was nothing there.
All the harbinger could see was a barren room. There was nothing trying to kill him. He wasn’t about to get stabbed. He wasn’t going to drown. Childe was safe and he was fine.
He leaned back onto the headboard and brushed a hand through his tangled hair. Several shuddering breaths passed his lips. Childe could feel his sweat stricken clothes sticking to his bare skin. He’d have to clean up. Why did he keep having these stupid dreams?
The harbinger had to admit that the dream he just had was a new one, but it followed the same premise. It usually followed the pattern of him being abandoned by his family, being left to die, and being accused of being a monster. The monster part wasn’t wrong though. Hah…
Still, it was rather tiring and costing Childe some much needed rest. He really couldn't at least get some peace while sleeping. The harbinger didn’t need reminders of past events. In his eyes, it was extremely irritating and a waste of time.
Childe was in the present, not the past.
Right?
He sighed and looked towards the ceiling. The middle of the night didn’t seem like the best time to question Childe’s mentality. He was already exhausted and shook by that nightmare. It would be a better idea to simply limit how he used his energy. He could maybe put that energy towards finding a way to get rid of, or at least limit the nightmares.
Zhongli did mention that qingxin incense helped calm the mind and clear it of its troubles or whatever. Childe followed his advice, of course, and it ended up being quite effective. It didn’t stop the nightmares, but it did prevent them. Maybe Childe should get some more.
Childe sat himself back up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He laid his trembling feet against the cool, wooden floor. The harbinger took several more slow breaths before heaving himself up. He needed something to write on to serve as a reminder for himself to get more incense later.
His feet padded him over to his desk. Childe opened the drawer. In there laid a notebook, some fountain pens, a dirk, poison, and…
…a stick of incense.
Remnants of qingxin wafted up Childe’s nose. It was the same qingxin Zhongli had offered him.
___
Childe strode across the curve of the red mahogany bridge. It was a clear blue day with fluffy clouds dotting the sky. Even the sun was pleasantly passing by. The breeze gently blew through the harbor and tousled Childe’s hair. In the harbinger’s own words, it was a perfect day. Perfect enough to go meet up with Zhongli for lunch.
If only last night had been as nice.
Childe had only gotten two, maybe three hours of sleep. He had a dream about being tied to a tree and stoned to death by his family while being called an unforgivable creature. Truly a pleasant dream. It left Childe trembling in his bed with tears leaking out the edges of his eyes. If that wasn’t the definition of a good dream, then Childe didn’t know what was.
Unfortunately, due to having such a wonderful dream, the harbinger had dark, purple circles under his eyes. In fact, they were so dark that they even rivaled in the darkness that was the abyss. Childe had to admit that it was impressive, but he had plans with a certain consultant later. Luckily, Childe was experienced in situations such as this and was well equipped with some high quality makeup.
So, here Childe was, on his way to meet Zhongli with makeup concealing how well the harbinger had slept. And there the consultant was, patiently waiting for Childe at Wanmin restaurant. The man probably ordered something for them already. He was such a considerate person. If only he could remember his wallet.
What would Zhongli do without Childe?
Childe allowed himself the pleasure of sighing before making his way towards the table. Hopefully Celestia would be on his side today and Zhongli wouldn’t notice anything wrong.
“Hey Zhongli, hope I didn’t keep you waiting,” Childe smiled as he took a seat beside the man.
“There is no need to concern yourself. I only just got here myself.” Zhongli closed his eyes to take in the breeze before turning towards Childe. “How are you faring on this fine day?”
“Oh, quite well actually. I was actually hoping that I could spar with you!” the harbinger put on an innocent grin despite what the statement really implied.
When Childe said ‘spar,’ he really meant a battle that could leave one or both of them severely injured. It would be an interesting sight to see. A funeral consultant fighting a harbinger. Childe couldn’t help thinking about what weapon Zhongli used, or if his fighting style reflected his stubborn yet wise personality. Hopefully, the consultant wasn’t too forgetful when it came to fighting.
“As I have told you many times before, I am only a funeral consultant, not a warrior.” Zhongli held up his cup of tea to his lips. He savored the scent before leisurely taking a sip.
“Oh c’mon! Don’t lie to me!” Childe sat his head on upturned palms with a smirk laying pleasantly on his face. “I can tell from the way you act that you’re a skilled warrior!”
“Really? Tell me, what about the way I behave tells you that I am skilled in the art of fighting?” Zhongli gazed at Childe from behind his cup of tea.
“Alright!” The harbinger leaned back in his seat with his hands behind his head. With full concentration, he conjured up the image of the consultant walking down the streets of Liyue Harbor. “Let’s see… your posture-” Childe gestured towards Zhongli- “is absolutely perfect. Your shoulders are straight, your head is up, and your back doesn’t slouch the slightest inch. Heck, it would be completely accurate to say that you’re made out of stone!”
Zhongli chuckled. “Though I may have decent posture, that doesn’t mean I am a skilled fighter.”
“Well your posture isn’t the only thing I noticed!” Childe crossed his arms as he slid back in his chair with a pout on his face and his arms crossed. “You also have a geo vision, and vision users tend to know how to fight.”
“Is there anything else you’ve noticed about how I behave?” Zhongli hummed.
“Of course! I haven’t even given the detail that gives you away the most.” Childe stretched his hands up to the sky before leaning forward, setting his elbows on the table and intertwining his fingers. “Your eyes are the most obvious one of all. You’re always analyzing and observing everything around you. You can notice even some of the smallest of details and are always searching for danger. No ordinary citizen watches for danger like you, which means you have to be experienced at fighting.”
“Hm, I see.” Zhongli took another sip of his tea before setting it down on the table. “You seem to have quite the observant eye. I’m surprised you were able to notice this much about me from all our outings together. Truly, a profound feat.”
“What can I say?” Childe shrugged his shoulders with a tired smile. He looked out at the crowd. “You can’t exploit your enemies' weaknesses if you can’t see them.”
“You are correct, but the fact that you have noticed all these details about me, it… it warms my heart.” Zhongli gazed out lovingly toward the crowd with a content upturn of his lips.
The harbinger looked back at the consultant, struggling to find the words to respond to such a statement. A gust of wind soon passed by, bringing golden ginkgo leaves dancing in the air. Zhongli’s long ponytail whipped up into the gale like a ribbon. Childe’s hair became ruffled as his cheeks were dusted with pink and he breathed in the sight before him. A few water droplets flew by, glowing with specks of sunlight, highlighting the color of Zhongli’s amber eyes.
Childe felt his breath taken away with the wind. What did somebody like him ever do to deserve a moment such as this? It was perfect in every aspect, and Childe got to see every little detail of it. He wished the moment would last for an eternity.
And with a cascade of water falling on Childe’s head, the moment ended all too soon.
The harbinger gasped at the sudden feeling of cold, bubbly water streaming down his skin. His hair was limp and tangled, blocking his view. As the wind blew by once again, Childe shivered as he hugged himself for warmth. Where in the name of Celestia did that water come from?
“CHILDE, I’M SO SORRY!” a young girl’s voice cried from up above him. It sounded familiar.
The harbinger peaked up from behind his damp bangs, and his suspicions were confirmed. There, precariously balanced up on the roof of Wanmin restaurant was Xiangling and Guoba with rags in their hands. The question was now, why were those two on the roof with water?
“Are you alright, Childe?” Zhongli rushed over to Childe’s side with a slight frown.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Childe waved the consultant away before another chill ran down his spine.
“Here, let me-”
“LOOK OUT!” Xiangling shouted just moments too late.
As the young girl shrieked those words, a loud, metal bang rang through Childe’s skull. He yelped at the pain bouncing around in his head. More suds started running down his face as a metallic chill pricked the nerves on his neck. If things couldn’t be worse, Childe, quite literally, had a bucket on his head. He was a buckethead now.
“Childe!?” Zhongli took the bucket off of the harbinger’s head, only to see him scrunching his eyelids closed to keep the soap from getting into his eyes.
“I’M SO SORRY, CHILDE! I WAS JUST WASHING THE ROOF TO MAKE THE RESTAURANT LOOK NICE, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING A-AND-” Xiangling continued desperately apologizing and stumbling on her words as Guoba tried to calm her down.
Zhongli set the empty pail on the table before turning back to Childe’s. With cautious, tender fingers, the funeral consultant wiped the suds from the harbinger's eyes. Childe cracked an eye open to see Zhongli leaning down in front of him with his cor lapis eyes focused on him. The consultant’s ponytail was hanging over his shoulder, swaying with the current of the wind of ginkgo leaves.
“Is that better?” Zhongli gently asked.
“Uh… yeah…” Childe gazed at the consultant’s luminescent amber eyes.
“Xiangling-” Zhongli stood up to look up at the girl- “do you have anywhere suitable to clean up?”
“U-um… yeah!” Xiangling’s eyes sparkled in adorable determination. “There should be a room at the end of the hall when you walk in!”
“Thank you,” Zhongli nodded before turning back to a shivering Childe. His eyes furrowed in concern. “Hm, it’d be best to warm you up as soon as possible.”
“You can say that again,” Childe grumbled as he tried to rub his soggy arms for warmth.
“Please wait a moment,” the consultant assured.
With practiced hands, Zhongli undid each metal clasp on his coat with utter poise. His eyes were half closed, which emphasized the long sweep of his eye lashes. Each snap made Childe’s heart skip a beat. The ends of the piece of clothing kept fluttering in the wind. The consultant slid his arms out of his coat before smoothing out any wrinkles. Zhongli then wrapped the cloth around Childe’s quaking shoulders.
“Now, let’s go get you cleaned up before you catch a cold,” Zhongli pleasantly smiled.
“...y-yeah…” Childe stared out into nothingness of the table in a daze as he held the coat close to him and got up.
Zhongli guided the harbinger by the shoulders toward the restaurant and down the hallway. The exhilaration Childe got by being around Zhongli had been growing by the day and was practically addicting. He would always notice something new about the man and find it absolutely beautiful. It was strange, yet wonderful. His excitement wasn’t the only thing that grew though. A pit of warping vexations had also been growing in his stomach. It wasn’t like the harbinger to be nervous, and Childe couldn’t help but worry more.
Zhongli held the door to the washroom open for Childe and ushered the harbinger in. Childe stood by a copper sink framed with dark pine and red cherry wood. Situated on the wooden surface was a sunny yellow orchid, leaning towards the rays sunlight flowing from the window.
“I believe there should be some towels in here.” Zhongli opened a cabinet and selected several olive green cloths.
“You know… you don’t have to do this,” Childe muttered as he averted his gaze.
“I’m afraid I feel obligated to help you. We are friends after all.” Zhongli set the towels by the sink before taking the coat off of Childe’s shoulders to lay on a nearby stool.
The harbinger quickly snatched one of the towels and started to furiously scrub his face to definitely not avoid the blinding kindness of Zhongli. Honestly though, Childe felt blessed by the consultant. To finally have a true friend after years of loneliness was utter euphoria. Maybe that was the feeling Childe kept getting around Zhongli? Happiness that he had a friend, but worry that he’d lose him if he saw who Childe truly was. All the more reason to not let Zhongli see what a monster he was.
“I would recommend you to dry your face off more gently, Childe. You could end up unintentionally harming yourself.” Zhongli walked over to the harbinger’s side to help him dry off.
“Oh… you might have a point there,” Childe chuckled as he lowered the cloth.
Zhongli looked toward the harbinger with amusement, but a slight frown took its place. His face morphed from confusion, to widening realization, then worry. The consultant cupped Childe’s face with his eyes focused on something. The harbinger tensed at the gesture as his heart stopped beating. Zhongli carefully brushed something away from under his eye, and the consultant’s frown became even deeper.
“Childe?” Zhongli looked up and gazed into the other’s eyes.
“Y-yes?” His voice cracked like a strangled wheeze.
“Have you…” Zhongli glanced towards the ground to try and find the right words. His grip on Childe’s face tightened just slightly before he looked back up at him with renewed confidence. “Childe, have you been sleeping well lately?”
“O-of course!” Childe lied, like a liar. A liar whose face was growing redder by the second.
“Then why are there dark circles under your eyes?” Zhongli brows slanted slightly in concern.
“Dark circles..?” Childe glanced over at the mirror. In his reflection, he saw that his makeup was gone, exposing what the harbinger had been trying to hide. He quickly averted his gaze somewhere else.
Maybe he could pass it off as something else other than nightmares? Childe didn’t want to make the funeral consultant worry about him, not after everything he did for the harbinger. It wouldn’t be right to drag Zhongli into his own problems. Perhaps he could tell him that his neighbor-
“Please, Childe,” Zhongli softly pleaded. “Please tell me the truth.”
Childe looked up into Zhongli’s cor lapis eyes. He opened his mouth several times, but nothing came out. He then remembered Zhongli’s words. The consultant claimed they were friends. That meant Childe could trust him. Trust him to not stab him with a knife as he showed his vulnerability.
“I-” Childe’s voice became as soft as a breath amongst a thousand winds- “I’ve been having these… these terrible nightmares. I’ve been having them for… I don’t know how long…”
“Would you like to talk about them?” Zhongli kept his eyes focused on him.
Childe gave a weak nod as he stared at the floor and watched as droplets from his hair splashed onto the ground. His eyes began watering, remembering what those apparitions in the dream had called him.
Monster.
Murderer.
Stain.
He had heard them so many times, ringing over and over again in his head as he slept. Why? Why did he have to be the villain?
Zhongli saw the emptiness of agony in the other’s eyes, and his frown only deepened with pain. With hesitant fingers, he slid his hand holding Childe’s face to the back of the harbinger’s dripping hair. The consultant wrapped his other arm around Childe’s waist, and pulled him into an embrace.
Childe let out a light gasp at the action, but breathed in the warm scent of silk flowers and qingxin. Of tenderness. Of Zhongli. Childe, with trembling fingers, hugged Zhongli back. The consultant began combing his fingers through the harbinger’s damp, limp hair. Childe could feel wet tears running down his face.
“Why…” the harbinger mumbled out.
“Hm?” Zhongli paused in threading Childe’s hair.
“Why are you doing this?” Childe breathed up. His arms felt heavy with lead.
“As I stated before, I feel obliged to, because you are a precious friend of mine.”
“You…-” Childe took a shuddering breath in- “you are so much better than I’ll ever be.”
“Childe,” Zhongli loosened his grip to look the harbinger in the eyes, “what makes you think this?”
With tears running down his face and the corners of lips forcibly turned upwards, Childe opened his mouth, and a cracking voice came out.
“I’m the villain.”
Childe’s smile broke at hearing himself acknowledge the truth, and tears started spilling. He heaved his body forward and let it fall back into Zhongli’s embrace. The consultant was quick to keep a firm grip on Childe as the harbinger hid his face in the crook of the other’s neck. Childe gripped onto Zhongli’s vest with pure desperation. Zhongli held the harbinger even closer, and allowed him to sob into his shoulder.
“I’m not sure if this will mean anything to you, but to me, you are never the villain.” Zhongli threaded his fingers through the quaking harbinger’s hair. “If anything, you are one of the most dearest friends I could ever ask for. No matter what anyone may say, you are never the villain, Childe.”
___
Childe stared down into the drawer where the stick of incense was laid. The oil lamp continued to flicker behind him, shadowing his empty features. How long had he been standing there? The harbinger shook his head wearily and closed the drawer with a slow grate of wood sliding against wood. He slipped himself into the firm, cushioned chair of the desk and gazed out at nothing. His grip tightened around the armrest.
How pathetic… The great vanguard was being broken down by a memory. By some words. By some words that turned out to be a lie.
“If anything, you are one of the most dearest friends I could ever ask for. No matter what anyone may say, you are never the villain, Childe.”
Childe clenched his eyes closed to try and will that voice in his head away. There was no point in reminiscing over a lie. He was used and that was all there was to it. Morax pretended to be his friend in order to manipulate him all the more easily.
“You are correct, but the fact that you have noticed all these details about me, it… it warms my heart.”
The harbinger’s grip tightened. Wood cracked. Childe could feel the splinters splitting skin and flesh alike. Warm blood trickled down the length of the chair, seeping into the ground below.
Great. Now only does he have to deal with a nightmare and memories of a stupid words, but he also had to deal with his injured hand yet again. Childe really needed an outlet for all this… this pent up energy.
Going to work wouldn’t do (thanks to Ekaterina), and taking walks around Liyue Harbor only seemed to have the opposite effect of what was intended. Not to mention the risk of running into a certain not-so-mortal-consultant by taking a stroll outside.
Maybe… maybe a trip would do him some good. He’d be well away from Morax, any reminders of said god, and Ekaterina. A nice little vacation would also allow him to kill monsters as he pleased without having to worry about the Millelith or the Qixing.
Childe got up and made his way towards the kitchen. He had a hand that needed to be treated after all.
The harbinger also needed to start preparing for his trip. It would be best if Childe left the city as soon as possible. He wouldn’t leave the country though. He was still stationed here, so he couldn’t just abandon his post. Maybe heading out to Wangshu Inn would be a good idea. The place was surrounded by wilderness, which meant plenty of monsters, and Childe would also be helping out the Millelith by starting a hilichurl massacre.
Well, it was settled. Childe smiled gleefully over the idea of being able to fight again and of escaping that pesky ex-archon. Tartaglia was going to enjoy this trip very much.
Childe could still smell silk flowers and qingxin wafting up his nose.
—
Zhongli let out a steady sigh before opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling. Rarely had he experienced the inability to sleep like mortals do, but for the past few nights, he got little to no sleep. Something was troubling him.
Guizhong once explained to him in a time long past that when mortals were worried, they struggled to sleep, and that gods like him may also experience the same feelings. At first, it sounded absurd to him. A god like him had no heart. If a being didn’t have a heart, then they had no emotions, which meant it was impossible for the god Morax to be worried. Of course, as time passed, his he never knew existed heart grew, and with it his feelings. Morax had learned of joy, embarrassment, hope, and fear.
The feeling that he was never prepared for was grief. The loss of Guizhong had tortured Morax with guilt and anger. It still hurt to think of it now, even as the mortal Zhongli. He supposed that he simply learned to live with it, but not let it control him. Guizhong did explain to him that mortals never let go of the pain of grief. Perhaps it was the same with him as well.
He thought that gods and mortals had nothing in common, but Guizhong proved him wrong in so many ways. She showed Morax that they weren’t so different after all. Zhongli would always treasure her in his heart, for she was the friend who taught him the ways of the world.
Zhongli did wish Guizhong was here to guide him now though. It had been weeks since he had last seen Childe. He had tried to make contact with the harbinger on several different occasions, but Ekaterina kept telling him that he was busy with an apologetic look on her face. Without Childe around, it felt like something was… missing. It made his heart wrench in pain.
When Zhongli handed over his gnosis, the way Childe had looked at him from the corner of his eyes haunted him. That look of… disbelief and betrayal. It was like he had killed the harbinger with his own two hands. He couldn’t bear the feeling of those staggered eyes gazing at him, so he left without saying anything. Looking back on it, that might’ve been the worst mistake Zhongli had ever made.
The consultant sighed, trying to let that feeling of hurting one of the closest people to him go, but it only twisted and choked around his heart. He could almost compare himself to Yanhuo.
The poor dog had been waiting for Childe for three weeks at the front doors of the funeral parlor with a wagging tail and perked ears. Yanhuo was still waiting, but he was curled up into a lifeless ball with his tail limply laying on the ground. Zhongli as well as other employees kept the dog company and tried to cheer him up. It helped Yanhuo’s mood somewhat, but it wasn’t quite the same as Childe. Not even Hu Tao’s antics could get Yanhuo as bubbly as he once was.
Zhongli felt quite the same. Nobody had the same effect as Childe had on him. When would he finally see the harbinger once more? More questions then started surging into the consultant’s mind.
Would Zhongli ever get to see Childe again? Would they ever be as close as they were before? Would Zhongli ever get to tell the harbinger about the meaning of those chopsticks? Would he ever get to see that boyish grin ever again?
Not being able to see that smile again… it seemed impossible.
That smile, when did he fall in love with Childe’s smile. He wasn’t sure when. Zhongli simply realized one moment, while gazing upon the harbinger walking alongside him, that he was the most beautiful thing in the world. Childe would listen silently for hours on end to Zhongli’s long winded rants. Never once did he interrupt or try to stop him. He just smiled and listened, whether he was understanding it or not. It made Zhongli feel like he could say anything to Childe, and the harbinger would always come up with some of the most curious questions sometimes.
Now he wasn’t there to listen to everything he had to say. There were no questions for Zhongli to answer. There was no carefree laugh or goofy smile. It was simply Zhongli with his thoughts, and it was the most alone the ex-archon had felt in a long time.
Zhongli needed to get Childe back somehow.
No.
No, Childe wasn’t something that Zhongli could decide to bring back. That was the harbinger’s decision and the harbinger’s decision alone. The only thing Zhongli could do was… was apologize. To tell Childe that he was wrong, and that he shouldn’t have betrayed the harbinger like that. Then, and only then, would it be all in Childe’s hands. If he didn’t forgive Zhongli, then that was fine with him. At least then, he would know that the bridge had been burned and that there was no point in trying to fix it.
Zhongli would have to try and wait for the proper moment to apologize. Childe seemed busy most of the time, so maybe he’d have to wait a few more days. The attack on Liyue harbor had put a lot of pressure on the bank. Hopefully, he’d finally have his chance to properly see Childe once more.
The consultant didn’t feel any comfort at the thought of having to face the harbinger, but it had to be done. It was the least Zhongli could offer Childe.
Zhongli gazed out the window to see the moon shining down on him. He was reminded of how Guizhong loved the moon. She had said that it provided mortals light to guide them through the darkness. Maybe the moon could help guide Zhongli down this dark road too.
With that thought in mind, Zhongli fluttered his eyes closed and tried to imagine what his dear friend would say to him at that moment. It would probably be somewhere along the lines of comfort and advice. Then again, Guizhong was always an unpredictable being. She could change in an instant like dust on the wind. Somehow though, she always managed to be right.
In some far off, past distant memory, Zhongli could hear the faint singing of his beloved friend in a field of glaze lilies. It felt like a mother’s embrace.