Chapter Text
Grimm sobbed.
“Piss on children!” offered Cloth, giving Grimm the best advice ever.
“You mean, ‘press on, children,’ right?” Quirrel asked. Cloth stared at him.
“You mean, ‘press on, children,’ right?” repeated Quirrel, “Righ-”
“I can’t piss,” wailed Grimm, who threw up a piano and completed the barricade that the students had begun to build.
“Perfect aim, 10/10, the Nightmare Thing muttered absentmindedly as he ran into a wall in an attempt to reunite with Julio, who was behind bars with Macebug for arson. Instead of a glorious reunion like he wanted, the Nightmare Creature was arrested for murder, arson, and necrophilia.
“Why necrophilia?” asked Quirrel.
“Julio was dead for 5 chapters and he tried to mate with the corpse out of anger,” Cloth replied as Julio fell over in the jail cell and landed on the Nightmare Thing. Toe handed Hammer a grenade before they were snatched up by Jared, who was dragging Jake to the White Palace.
“Boom,” Jenny said. The grenade detonated while Hammer slammed their face on it, crushing Afro in the process. Deduline and Zemmoth turned into clams. Koi turned into a bag.
“Depression lol,” laughed Hollow as they failed to stab themself 15 times with a shovel. Dave sobbed, staring at his computer screen as he desperately searched up “how 2 your mom,” “ingognico mode,” and “delated search history how how”.
“Your depression fuels my depression, making us depression,” sobbed Grimm, “I’m not just depressed, I am depression itself.”
“I beg to differ,” Hollow added, crawling out of a crack in the ground and poking Quirrel, making him cry.
“You’re just making him cry because you’re uhgly!” shrieked Grimm, “You’re can’t spread depressed! Only I could depression! Me! My last defining trait!”
“You shit pianos, that’s a trait,” Cloth noted.
“NO!!!!!!!! DEPRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!” cried Grimm. Hollow died.
“Pure Vessel? More like free spines,” cackled the Nightmare Thing, banging his head against the badly knitted woolen cage that held Julio, his beloved. Hollow’s void covered, black, cracked in seven places spine dripped void from the bright pink figure.
“Why’s he always bright pink, anyways?” asked Quirrel, “I mean, bright neon green would be absolute nightmare material, and a dark blue could seem more dark!”
“It annoys Grimy,” the Nightmare Thing explained, pointing to Grimm, whose name had been misspelled.
“I AM NOT GRIMY!!!!!!!!” shrieked both GIRMTIUNUHNAIUHIUFHEWIUHSOPAOSPA and Grimm at once. They then began to imitate the spiderman meme.
“Grimm, Grimy, Grimy toes, Toes, Grimm is Toe confirmed,” Dave informed Jared, who screamed, picked up Grimm, and began running away from the crowd of other J vessels. Joth watched in horror as the real Toe got up and dropped 2.482 blocks of cheese.
“Why cheese?” Grimmchild asked, picking up his dropped teeth, “Cheese is boring! Drop teeth instead!”
“Grenades!” the Nightmare Thing cut in.
“Feet,” babbled the Seer violently, pulling out her knife, “Feet. For the light!”
“Teeth!” Grimmothy snapped.
“GRENADES FOR JULIO! LIKE ALWAYS!” retorted the Nightmare Creature.
“FEET! TOES!”
“TEETH!”
“EXPLOSIVES!”
“FEET!”
“TEETH!”
“EXPLOSIVES!”
Toe, overwhelmed and realizing none of them were J people, exploded. Jared realized that Grimm actually wasn’t Toe and his theory was incorrect. How could it be incorrect!? HOW?! Anyways, he rushed back and began screaming about his best buddy as Jenny exploded as well. Joth hit SOPA with a bottle full of incredibly sharp, jagged, tooth shaped rocks.
“...Teeth..?” inquired Grimmothy.
“NOT TEETH!!!!!!!” came the response from an incredibly angry vessel.
“Depression,” replied Hollow, “In a bottle.”
“That’s a jar,” Monomon corrected, staring at the Collector, who had stuck Hollow and the cabinet they’d been in into a comically large jar. Hollow flopped back into the cupboard as 23 grubs began to sob at USELESSSHITSOPAFLUENTCHINESECOMMUNISTPARTYCAPITALISMPOLITICALVIEWSMONOMONSINKSINKSOPASOAPSOUPSOUPSOUPNOTNOTNOTNOTGHOSTSOPASOPSOPSSSSSSSSSOPSOUPSOAP.
“What.”
“I ship it,” HIVE KNIGHT told Monomon, pointing giddily to Grimm, who was kicking the Nightmare Thing in his invisible, nonexistent nuts.
Marissa sang the Ballad Of Grimm and His Pink Doppelganger Are Married In A Polyamorous Relationship With A Boot On A Stick That May Or May Not Be Grimm’s Severed Arm Or Hollow’s Stolen Spine And Grimm Is Going To Sue His Partner For Cheating On Him And Domestic Abuse Despite Having Cheated On The Nightmare King With A Really Cheap Clock And Grimmchild Is Ripping Out Each And Every Single One Of My Teeth Help.
“That’s quite a long title for a song,” remarked the Radiance. Isma nodded, before returning to her meeting with Iselda, God Tamer, the Pale Lurker, Molly, Tiso, Woji, Snej, Sly, Tuk, Jinn, and Jiji.
“I know.” Cornifer harmonized with Marissa’s offbeat singing while Grimm continued to kick the Nightmare THing’s nono spot.
“STOP, ✋🛑DON’T ☝️🙅♀️TOUCH🥵😳🥴 ME🤟🔨🧱 THERE👇👅💦! THAT🥒🤬😱 IS🏺 MY👩🏻👈💪 NO NO👎💔❌🛒 SQUARE🪣🚪!!!,!!” the Nightmare Thing sang, his shrill voice causing the Pale King’s eardrums to migrate to South Asia.
“I am NOT STOP, ✋🛑DON’T ☝️🙅♀️TOUCH🥵😳🥴 ME🤟🔨🧱 THERE👇👅💦! THAT🥒🤬😱 IS🏺 MY👩🏻👈💪 NO NO👎💔❌🛒 SQUARE🪣🚪!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” STOP, ✋🛑DON’T ☝️🙅♀️TOUCH🥵😳🥴 ME🤟🔨🧱 THERE👇👅💦! THAT🥒🤬😱 IS🏺 MY👩🏻👈💪 NO NO👎💔❌🛒 SQUARE🪣🚪screamed back. The Pale Thing’s feet, seemingly making the hard decision to get the fuDOMAck out of this abhorrent fanfiction once and for all decided to follow in the latter ear’s footsteps and fly off to Southern Asia as well.
“You should teach choir,” said Marissa, who had finally gone deaf. The Pale King’s feet did a double take and flew back into the fanfiction so that they could finally have a stable and well paying job.
“I love how we’re personifying the Pale King’s feet,” the Nightmare Thing announces somberly as Grimm continued on with his sadistic ritual of forcing CBT on the Nightmare Thnig.
“I love the Pale King’s foot two,” Koi said bluntly. The Pale King’s foot one drooped with sadness.
“I wish you were this enthusiastic in bed,” the Nightmare King told Grimm wistfully, who was still angrily shoving a ladder into the Nightmare King’s pretend urethra.
“I am going to have nightmares about this.” Koi stated monotonously.
“Uwu, “ the Nightmare King whispered. Monomonomonomonmommoomonon knelt into the floor and began to weep. Not onto the floor, into it. Quirrel, in a show of his admiration and astonishment, exploded into a pile of clam-shaped teeth. Grimmchild swooped down happily before gulping down five pieces of the Radiance’s kidney stones, having mistaken them for being clam-shaped teeth.
“Clam-shaped teeth,” Cloth murmured, awestruck.
“It’s super cool, isn’t it?” Tiso whispered, “I wish I could do that too.” Molly sucked him into her gaping Mawly-Mawlek asshole. The Radiance clipped off a piece of Hollow’s horn before tossing it over a cliff, where it never was seen again. Hollow cried miserably, for now they were only half as horny as they were before.
“Please word your writing better,” Moi advised Koi, who was drawing nsfw of a minor anime character.
“I like minor anime characters too,” the Nightmare King admitted.
“What the fucDOMAk,” said everyone. Grimm picked up the Radiance’s shaving kit and shoved it into the Nightmare King’s imaginary scrotum before jumping off a cliff. Maybe he was going to retrieve Hollow’s horn so that Hollow could be fully horny again.
“What the fuBAPANADAck is wrong with you?” Moi asked Koi.
“That’s a war crime,” explained Dave.
“You need to,” Koi started before being rudely interrupted by the Nightmare King, who began to perform a one-man opera about how much he missed his dear juLio.
“Archive of our ☭ account,” Koi snapped, cutting off the Nightmare King’s opening aria, “Now. Moi. do it. Make accoubnt. Im too BUSy to update! WO HEN MANG!!!!!!!!!”
Koi’s Chinese teacher passed out due to a lack of accent marks.
“Haha homework go brr,” replied Moi as she turned into a bag shaped clam filled with slightly rotten cans, which, by the way, were the color of your eyes on a shit stained, miserable day.
“THat means you’re a miserable, shit shaped stain,” Monomonomon explained clearly.
“I understand completely,” cackled Quirrel.
“Fjeijfeifjeifjefeijefijijefijfeijefwoiajofiejwa,” Hollow stated in perfect….. Uh……….. English.
“Reject speech, return to bad spelling and grammar,” Moi said as she the who whateted in the new doorframe, “Myh when the nto yuor’e kness. Pain.”
“oijdiefaierjfioerajrfioaejioeaji”?A””?????” agreed SOPA.
“I had a dream about learning Russian,” Koi muttered before she died.
“When the who,” cackled Hammer, who had been forgotten. Afro exploded.
“I am not a chair,” Chair said calmly. SOPA screamed.
Sobbing.
Thirteen Grimmchildren fell from the sky and landed with soft plaps onto Quirrel and Quirrel alone’s head as he attempted to read a book. Quirrel fell over and died.
When the school bell was finally fixed so everyone remembered they were at school, the Stag let out a shriek of agony and tumbled back to Hallownest from his new vacation home.
“Are you kidding me? The bell was no more! I quit, Radiance! These children are all hopeless and useless! Now if you excuse me, no, I am not going to the Desert of Bright Pink Frogs containing Bright Pink Frogs, I’m leaving! And not coming back!”
“You’re hired,” muttered the Radiance. The Stag, screaming with fury, turned into a sexy fish car and drove away.
“https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/896608815825428531/910708286255423519/y4mow3q5viw71.jpg,” Moi informed SOPA, who clicked on the link and reeled back in disgust and horror. Godseeker hopped over to see why the cringiest of cringers was cringing, and marked yet another daily cringe mark of cringe.
“Ehiuahfairuhuihiu!” warbled Molly as it flopped onto a shrieking, screaming Tiso, “3uq289921iuioekmp2pp[ppal[lp[[s [p [[wla[po0-o1i0912i0urj4oernjkfd stairs.mp3 09i23904i32-ire0-k-0!joireoiaj 904i-9I29i92i9i90i9ii0io0--0o0-o-0oes0-o -0opfgjaropjkpokp kthe gravitational pull of your mom 309328urtw409re5tuigdrfjo39w02i390wi09i9i?”
“Inspiring,” the Nightmare Thing remarked, making his way into the newly summoned Temple of Seven Julios.
“I love cheese, don’t you>!?!?!??!!” the Nightmare Thing suddenly said, moments after, running out with an angry horde of Julios swarming around him. Hornet kicked SOPA.
“VOID,” cackled SOPA, “VOID, void, VOID, VOID, VOID!!! YOu’RE VOID!”
“AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!”
“ARE TOO!!!!!!!”
“Buzzsaws,” the Pale Thing said, “wspikey.”
“Doma,” added Dung Offender, who was being killed by offended dung.
“Insert overused joke here,” sobbed Grimmchild, ripping out the teeth of Grimm’s cigar, “I ordered a new pipe on Pramazon Aime.”
“I hate this keyboard,” Grimm gumbled. Bright Pink Frogs began to jump into his ears, swelling up each time Grimm breathed. They didn’t swell up. Grimm didn’t breathe. He was dead. He’d died seventeen times already in the last seven minutes. How inconsistent of him. Anyways, SOPA shrieked and kicked a blanket, which became a moldy sponge thrown by God Tamer and the Lale Purker.
Moi moved on, ascending from the cringe that is this hellish creation right here.
… No, she didn’t. I’m still here, writing for nobody instead of doing homework. I miss when the Hollow Knight fandom was actually being fun. Everyone’s moving on from HK, now. Anyways, SOPA turned into the Titanic out of sheer anger.
“I AM NOT THE TITANIC!!!!!!”
“Ye you are lmao,” Hornet replied, letting out a shriek of anger as Lace picked her up and threw her like a Frizbee.
“Wait, but Lace doesn’t know what a Frizbee is, right?” asked Quirrel.
“I have no idea how to use one!” Lace retorted, throwing Hornet yet again. Hornet crashed into a tree and became disabled.
“BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!” Cloth cried, sobbing, “It can’t be!”
“She is disabled,” Quirrel sighed.
“I AM NOT SHAW!!!!!” shrieked THETITANIC.
“Clothes,” Hornet said, getting stuck in a drain.
Moi gave up. The fanfic will never be updated ever again. Goodbye.
It was nice while it lasted.
“Shaw,” sobbed Hornet.
“Zote,” said Zote.
Monomonomonomonomonomonomon hit her head on THETITANICSOPA.
This is sad.
“This is so sad,” echoed Zote, coughing as Moi didn’t do her math homework on Thursday night.
“Yes it isn’t!” Hornet snapped back, furiously cooking Lace Soup. Not soup for Lace, but soup made with Lace. Lace the bug, not Lace the material.
“Yummy,” said the Nightmare Thing as he threw up 15 pillows. Grimm hit him with the flyswatter. SOPA sobbed, singing about mathematicians and how the earth was actually just a very small car shaped glob of earwax, floating in space as the other planets, which were actually just asteroids, circled around it in a star-shaped pattern.
The Radiance scoffed in disappointment as the entire meme subreddit started to scream about Silksong and release dates and 2022.
“I miss the infection’s return,” she told Grimm, who was sobbing into a chair as he mourned for his beloved, perfect, dollar store clock. Grimm responded with a hiccup, a sob, and drop kicked HIV Knight.
SOPA spewed out bullshit.
“Cringe,” Godseeker decided.
“You’re cringe,” barked Dave, who was immediately slapped by a notebook. The orange covered vessel then sprouted wings and ascended.
“I fuDOYOUWANTAPICKLEDPLUMcking hate ascended Dave,” wailed SOPA, “I hate it! Un-ascend them now! I htae hall of gods! The program is shit!”
“Haha SOPAY,” Hornet insisted. Lace drop kicked her.
“I miss this fic,” Traitor Lord told the Radiance, “Did everyone die?”
“Most likely, yes,” sighed the moth, gesturing to the dying vessels, “I think so. It’s been dead for a long, long, time. I believe Hallownest is doomed.”
The Grey Mourner nodded, looking as if she had wilted like her damaged, silvery flowers.
“I have seventeen shoes,” Dave sobbed, “There’s nobody to wear them.”
“You can wear them!” Blossom advised them.
“No!!! IIiiiiIIiiiii have no feet!”
“Wear them on your. Head.”
“NO.”
Hollow dropped to the floor and began sobbing. Grimm patted their back sympathetically.
“I can relate.”
“Why can you relate?” the Nightmare Creature asked, genuinely confused, “You can relate to a sobbing thing with father issues?”
“Yes.”
I cannot go on any more. I miss this fic
“Depression,” Grimm cried. He clutched his leg and began to howl.
“FuDOMAcking dog,” snapped Monomon.
The Nightmare King threw up a long rat, which resembled an incredibly long and hairy Grimmothy. Grimmchild, offended, spat on it. The rat promptly exploded into bright red flames. Grimm emerged from the fiery rat, and threw up another Grimmothy.
“Stop throwing up more mes!” cried Grimmchild, spitting into his father’s mouth, “They offend my very being!”
“You offend your very being?”
“YES!”
Grimm snorted, letting out a sob as he flew out the window. Grimmothy whipped around, swooped out of his father’s mouth, and made a dash for the door. He marked down a tally on a burnt sheet of paper.
“Third time in an hour,” he muttered, “A new record.”
“Did you mark down ‘jumping out the 3rd story window’ in your bingo?” asked the Nightmare Creature, his eyes glowing. The Child shook his head.
“Nope. Just ‘Dad jumps out the 1st story window, then the 2nd, then the 3rd, then the 4th, then the 5th, then the 6th, then the 7th, then the 8th, then the 9th, then the 10th, then the 11th, then the 12th, then the 13th, then the 14th, then the 15th, then th-”
“Okay, okay, we get it. Shut up, fire child!” Hornet shrieked, ducking as Lace tried to bash her head into the Pale Wyrm’s buzzsaws. The Radiance kicked Pale Creature out the window, and he landed on top of Grimm’s body with an “oof”.
“Zote,” said Zteo.
Moi ran off a ledge and passed away.