Work Text:
Shinji doesn’t come home when he’s supposed to.
Instead of getting off at his regular stop, he stays in his seat, his music flitting through his ears. Kaworu looks at him strangely and slides into the seat next to him again, so Shinji promptly moves one seat down. He watches the people bubble out of the doors in a gush at first, then clumps and huddles of people until finally it’s just the lone wolves getting out. Shinji briefly debates getting out and going to Misato and Penpen, but then the doors close and besides, he doesn’t want to face them. Not today.
So he’s sitting one seat down from Kaworu until Kaworu moves to sit next to him again and Shinji moves to stay one seat down and they continue in that manner until the bus is sliding into the last stop and they’re the only two on the train. Shinji pulls off his headphones briefly in question, but as Kaworu gets up, he follows his fellow pilot out of the train, out of the station and they’re walking the treets. At this time of night the people their parents told them to stay away from are out, roaming, and the two pilots are roaming with them. Shinji slips his headphones back on and lets himself flow alongside Kaworu.
Night falls like a blanket, velvet and violet and warm. Shinji has paused his music because the experience, walking almost completely alone with Kaworu in the quickly falling night, is rather ethereal. It doesn’t need a soundtrack other than the very very soft trills of night-bugs in summer and the light, almost-noiseless-but-not-quite breeze. Kaworu says something, but even though Shinji’s music is off he can’t hear Kaworu over the soft night-sounds.
Shinji begins recognizing things as they walk. A turn twisting here, a flowerpot nestled in a doorway there. Eventually he finally places where they are as Misato’s building – his home – pulls into view. “Why are we here?” he asks.
Kaworu just looks at him.
Shinji pulls his noiseless headphones off his ears and says, “I don’t want to go home.”
Kaworu understands. Shinji can see it in his too-red eyes, and they both turn away and begin walking to where Kaworu lives. “So you’re going to spend the night?” Kaworu’s voice lilts across the three or four feet between them, speaking even though he can guess the answer.
Shinji nods and keeps on walking, trying to push away the gnawing feeling that’s been threatening to crush him ever since he got out of the entry plug. Buildings crawl past, slower than slow and the night feels like it could crush him into bits if it wanted, just smother him in its velvet folds. He shoves the heels of his palms into his eyes at this thought, shuddering the uneasiness away. When the convulsions stop and he pulls his hands away, Kaworu has stopped moving and is watching him, an unreadable look on his face.
Shinji shakes his head and starts walking again, past Kaworu past the empty streets and past the threatening night. Five minutes later finds him trailing after Kaworu in the stairwell of Kaworu’s building. Shinji has tugged his headphones off and is wondering how he’ll do minor things like brush his teeth or wear clothes – because he’s certainly not going to use Kaworu’s toothbrush or fit into Kaworu’s clothes –
Before he realizes it he’s huddled on the floor, gripping onto the railing tight as he can and his breath is coming out much faster than it should. All because something reminded him of Rei. It could have been something as irrelevant as Kaworu glancing back to look at him with the exact same eyes as Rei, or maybe the color of the walls matched precisely her hair color – but it doesn’t matter the reason because either way he’s huddled against the wall, hyperventilating, his skin trying to twitch away the memories.
He feels Kaworu’s hand lightly on his back and grabs onto it, holds it like a lifeline. He feels his hand grabbing Kaworu’s wrist, then his elbow, then his shoulder, pulling Kaworu down to himself because he needs to hold on to something human. Kaworu snakes his arms around Shinji and holds him close, letting Shinji rest his head in the hollow between his neck and his collarbone. He pets Shinji’s hair and says calming things, like Hush now and You’ll be okay because I’m with you.
Eventually, Shinji has somewhat decent control of his body and begins to stand, hand twisted in Kaworu’s shirt for support. He wipes away the wet spots on his cheeks and begins walking up the stairs again, leaning heavily on the railings. Kaworu stays close enough to him to help him if he falls.
Shinji has one more attack before they reach Kaworu’s apartment, and it’s not what he expected. Rather, Shinji didn’t know what he’d expected. The main room is certainly neat enough. There’s a built – in above the double bed, and a few other articles of furniture. He’s only half – listening as Kaworu tells him where everything is and how to work everything. He holds out his arms as Kaworu rummages through his dressers to find clothes that he think will fit Shinji, tests them, rejects them, and returns them to the dresser and starts the cycle over again. Eventually, Shinji is left with a too-big t-shirt and too-long sweatpants. As for the hygiene issue, Kaworu tells him he can use his finger and some toothpaste.
Shinji leaves the room to change, and when he returns, swallowed up in the folds of the shirt and the rolled up pants, he sees Kaworu pulling off his shirt carelessly. He’s already in pajama pants, thank god, but it seems he hasn’t found what functions as his pajama shirt yet. Shinji leans against the doorframe and watches the muscles in Kaworu’s back tense and contract as he stretches and bends, searching for a suitable shirt. Finally, Kaworu rolls his shoulders back twice and turns to the bed, still facing away from Shinji.
The motion somehow reminds him of Rei – maybe from that ill-fated day where he’d found her getting out of the shower – and once again he’s sinking down to the ground, pressing against the wall to hold up what his frail psyche can’t. A low whimper rips out of his mouth, and Kaworu’s next to him again, still without a shirt on. Shinji can’t even look at him now; he doesn’t want to trigger anything and make his situation worse. He places his palms flat of the wall on either side of his forehead, curled up and shuddering with each sob. Kaworu starts rubbing his palm against Shinji’s back at one point, trying to soothe him, but it doesn’t really help.
Thankfully, this attack doesn’t last as long as the others. Shinji straightens up silently, cracks his fingers and rolls his head, and stumbles to the bed, sinking beneath the covers and sheets and huddling up on himself. Eventually he feels Kaworu’s weight on the other side of the bed, and he feels the hand that questioningly comes with it, curling around Shinji’s fist.
Shinji opens his fingers up to accept Kaworu’s immediately; he doesn’t question how perfectly they seem to fit, because he can feel another attack coming on and maybe if he holds on to Kaworu tight enough it won’t come. He turns over, into Kaworu’s open arms, as the breath starts forcing its way out of him, curls his free hand into Kaworu’s other hand and waits for the attack to pass.