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In retrospect, perhaps Kyuhyun’s timing could have been better. But that’s the stupid thing about falling in love, something that the dramas and movies he and Jongwoon love to watch never mention. Why do perfect-looking people in those shows always get to meet their true love and confess their feelings without having to worry about the rest of the world getting in their way? And, more importantly, how does he, as a world-famous idol and one of the most popular members in Super Junior (definitely the best singer, although perhaps Kyuhyun’s all right with sharing that title), not have a clue about timing?
When he considers the grand scheme of his life, Kyuhyun thinks he was a fool to imagine it would all pan out exactly the way he planned. There were all the dreams of striking out and making it on his own, of the many solo concerts and television appearances that would keep the public’s gaze on him forever and imprint him in their memories. Dreams that an ambitious young man like him are supposed to have. At some point, there would be the inevitable marriage to a younger, not overly-pretty actress or fellow idol, and the slow, graceful descent into retirement.
Realising he was in love with Jongwoon about five months before he left to enlist in the army didn’t quite fit in with the rest of Kyuhyun’s plans. In other circumstances, he probably would have been able to deal with the unexpected feelings, but right in the middle of their KRY concert in Japan was never going to be the ideal moment. It wasn’t even something more manageable such as a slow build up of affection that gradually became something more intimate, oh no. Love hit Kyuhyun with all the force of a runaway train, slamming into his awareness whilst Jongwoon stared at him as they sang their only duet.
Kyuhyun remembers the music building around him, swelling and swirling, directed by Ryeowook with his nimble fingers hovering over the keys of his piano. The lyrics were flowing out of him easily enough, but there was a moment where he thought he might choke from the shock of it all. He was professional enough, of course, to cover the slight hesitation before singing his next line, and thankfully no one else noticed. It was bad enough that he had almost fumbled the song.
The rest of the concert passed easily enough, although Kyuhyun was conscious not to mess up any other lines or dance moves, or any opportunity to tease Jongwoon for the fans in the crowd to squeal about.
“You all right, Kyu?” Jongwoon asked, as they crowded into the cramped mini-van later, while Ryeowook was waving at the screaming fans and chatting to Sungmin on his mobile at the same time. “There was a moment during the concert when you seemed a little out of it.”
“I’m fine, hyung.” Kyuhyun tried to smile but it sat oddly on his face and he gave up after a second. “It’s all these schedules. You know how draining they can get.”
Jongwoon said nothing else. Instead, he simply took hold of Kyuhyun’s hand with his smaller fingers. Anxiety, laced with an awareness of their proximity suddenly sent Kyuhyun upright. He stared at the way their hands were linked, thought of having the rest of Jongwoon wound so intimately around him, and had to take a breath when the resulting images sent a kick of want through him, turning into heat that pooled in his belly.
Shit. Kyuhyun didn’t need this. Jongwoon was just his favourite hyung. The one who listened, who was more patient when Kyuhyun threw the occasional maknae tantrum. Someone Kyuhyun went to for advice, damn it, not someone to fall in love with. Stupid, to expect that Jongwoon would even talk to him if he ever found out that Kyuhyun had just fallen completely and inappropriately in love with him. Crazy, even, to think that Jongwoon could return Kyuhyun’s feelings. And so very dangerous to wish for something so unrealistic as Jongwoon being as much in love with Kyuhyun as Kyuhyun was with him.
He still doesn’t really know how everything happened so quickly.
When they reached the hotel, Kyuhyun tried to hide away in his hotel room so he could sort out the tangled mess of his emotions, but Jongwoon managed to cajole him into coming out for a late-night dinner, just the two of them. His smile was so warm and inviting and just the right side of perfect that Kyuhyun found it hard to say no.
They walked along to a small restaurant that served flame-grilled beef and little else, Jongwoon smiling every time Kyuhyun put a piece into his rice bowl, his cheeks tinged pink from the sake Kyuhyun had poured into his cup. Kyuhyun noticed how his attention lingered for a second too long whenever Jongwoon smiled, told himself to stop being so obvious about his infatuation.
Once awareness is ignited, however, it is hard to ignore. One might as well try and contain a raging river with a pile of pebbles. Kyuhyun forced himself to act as though nothing was different, that he hadn’t discovered that the warm glow of affection in his chest which appeared anytime Jongwoon shared a joke or a worry with him wasn’t — couldn’t — be simply classified as friendship any longer. Lust might be part of the equation (and that in itself was something Kyuhyun found quite shocking), but it was only part of the complicated web of thoughts and feelings attached to Jongwoon which Kyuhyun was only now trying to understand.
As always, they talked about everything and nothing in particular. Kyuhyun mentioned that he’d been asked to do another musical, and Jongwoon raised his eyebrow, wondered aloud at the amount of activities Kyuhyun crammed into his schedule. In return, Jongwoon mentioned his family’s plans for the eyewear shop and the cafe, and Kyuhyun teased him about growing old before his time, but his words held no real conviction and after a while they sank into an easy silence. Jongwoon leaned his head against Kyuhyun’s shoulder on the way back to the hotel, soft strands of his hair tickling Kyuhyun’s cheek, their breath puffing out in white clouds in front of them.
Kyuhyun remembers thinking that it might have been the best Christmas Eve he’d ever experienced since he was five and his parents bought him a new Super Nintendo system. He was careful not to let the arm around Jongwoon’s shoulder wander anywhere inappropriate, concentrating so hard on keeping steady that it began to ache after a few minutes. Having Jongwoon this close was worth the numbness.
The rest of the tour went relatively well. Everybody in the audience seemed to enjoy the shows, and Kyuhyun was happy to spend Christmas with Jongwoon and Ryeowook and the rest of their families away from the inevitable madness that was Christmas in Seoul. Everything went fine, except for the last night of the tour, when he was packing his suitcase for the last time and Ryeowook took the chance to sneak into his room.
“When did this happen?” He asked, rearranging Kyuhyun’s random assortment of shirts and jeans.
“When did what happen?” Kyuhyun threw back, working through his various toiletries. A small, nagging voice started shouting in the back of his mind, but he paid it no attention.
“You having the most obvious crush on Jongwoon-hyung.” Ryeowook looked annoyed for a second, then shook his head. “I swear, each time you think he’s not watching, you keep sending him these lost-puppy looks and it’s creeping me out. Either you get up the guts to actually tell him that you’re hopelessly in love with him, or you stop making me feel as though I should find you two a room in some love hotel.”
Kyuhyun’s toothbrush and dental floss clattered to the tiled floor of the bathroom. He glanced at Ryeowook, then at how the toothbrush broke up the ordered perfection of the mosaic on the floor.
Hadn’t he been careful enough?
“I hope you’ve got a plan that doesn’t involve some kind of last-minute confession just before Jongwoon goes to the enlistment centre,” Ryeowook said, his tone so matter-of-fact Kyuhyun wondered how many similar conversations he’d had before. “Because that’s the coward’s way out, Kyu.”
Kyuhyun looked at himself in the mirror and for once, couldn’t find a witty retort.
***
“Are you going to tell us the truth?” Zhou Mi asked, one night after they’d all come back from a barbecue restaurant to farewell Jongwoon and the rest of the members had gone their merry way around the various dorms. He was helping Kyuhyun sort out clothes for a short trip to Jeju, although Kyuhyun wasn’t sure if he was going to need the extra-large straw hat Zhou Mi was placing on top of his luggage. Ryeowook, who had come in with bowls of sweet potato soup, hummed in agreement before setting his tray down.
“Yeah, Kyu.” Ryeowook pursed his lips. “You obviously didn’t take my advice the last time and now Mimi and I are stuck with you trying to pretend you’re fine when you keep sighing every time you and Jongwoon-hyung are in the same room. You’re not fooling anyone. So now he’s leaving and you’re just hoping to get out before you have to deal with it.”
Kyuhyun kept quiet. Ever since Japan, he’d been so, so careful not to let himself slip up. He’d forced himself to remain calm whenever Jongwoon reached for his hand to squeeze, or slip his fingers through. Told himself not to overreact whenever a text came through on his phone from Jongwoon, because it was stupid and hopeless.
It was more likely that Jongwoon would kill him for admitting that he had these feelings in the first place. And who could trust any emotion that happened so suddenly, right in the middle of a performance, when they had sung the same song so many times before without Kyuhyun deciding then and there he was in love with Jongwoon. Kyuhyun had told himself that it had been a momentary flash of madness, a brief instance of insanity. He’d tried to forget that he was in love with Jongwoon and thought he’d been doing quite well until a few nights ago when — tired after another performance for the screaming masses of South American fans — he’d read a text from Jongwoon detailing the most inane things about his day. It was the ending of it that had completely destroyed Kyuhyun’s delusion that he’d been mistaken about falling in love.
I miss you, Kyu. I can’t wait till all of you are back home. But hyung misses you the most, you know? I’m so proud of what you’re doing.
It was right that he was going now, so that Jongwoon could have a peaceful enlistment, secure in the love and support of his family. Stability was what mattered now, not the lovesick ramblings of a bratty maknae. Perhaps once he was in Jeju and Jongwoon was no longer Yesung, then Kyuhyun could try again to make himself believe he wasn’t so in love.
“Are you guys crazy?” Kyuhyun considered taking one of Donghae’s baseball caps, weighing it in one hand for a moment before tossing it away. “You know Jongwoon-hyung doesn’t need to hear that sort of shit right now. I’m not even sure what you think I should be telling him anyway; I don’t know where you guys got the idea. I mean, it’s just stupid of you guys to think that just because I have enough guts to tell Jongwoon-hyung that — ”
He noticed too late that his companions had gone silent. Groaning inwardly, Kyuhyun turned around to see Jongwoon framed in the doorway to his room, his head tilted to one side, his still too-long hair falling into his eyes. He caught himself before he reached out to brush it away. No need to further complicate matters. Not in front of two unwelcome spectators.
“Tell me what?” Jongwoon asked, looking slightly confused. Kyuhyun wondered just how much he’d heard, started replaying everything he’d said in the last thirty seconds in his mind, hoping he hadn’t said anything incriminating. He barely noticed Zhou Mi’s hasty departure, towing Ryeowook behind him and making up some unbelievable excuse that he had to go shopping with Siwon before the bakery on the corner closed.
The door shut softly behind them. Jongwoon moved over to look at Kyuhyun’s packing, started shuffling items around in the suitcase with his delicate fingers, trying to find space for everything. It was something he’d always done during KRY concert tours, since Kyuhyun didn’t bother with packing things neatly and Jongwoon couldn’t stand to see a messy suitcase.
“Ah, hyung, you don’t need to do that!” Kyuhyun’s voice came out shakier and less assured than it should have. What happened to keeping his emotions in check? He rushed forward and batted Jongwoon’s hands away.
“Fine. But tell me what you were going to say to those two before they left.”
Kyuhyun looked down at his stack of shirts, nudged one back into place and straightened the collar, stopped himself from rearranging his jeans. “Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing,” this time, Jongwoon sounded slightly impatient. “You’ve been acting weird around me ever since you got back. What’s going on? Has hyung upset you? I know I’ve been spending more time in the cafe than with you guys, but you’re so busy, and there are a ton of things I need to clear up before I go in for training. They say it’s only one month, but you know, I feel bad about leaving Jongjin to deal with things while I’m away.”
He would have gone on, but seized by some sudden spark of inspiration, Kyuhyun suddenly grabbed at Jongwoon’s hand. Held on tight.
“Hyung. It isn’t anything you’ve done, OK? Only you could think it was something that you did, when we’ve been away for weeks and you’ve got so much other stuff going on…”
Jongwoon wore an expression of mild bewilderment, glanced down at their hands. “Well, you know, I’ve been noticing it ever since we got back from Japan. Was it something I did back then? I thought we had a great time there, Kyu. I liked eating beef at that restaurant with you, right before Christmas Eve, remember? Didn’t you like it too?”
“Argh. Hyung, the thing about Japan. Um. I guess the truth about me being all weird and stuff is…is…”
Kyuhyun thought of million explanations that he could come up with that would clear him of any suspicion and send Jongwoon off to the army with his mind at ease. Jongwoon stared back at him with such expectation in his eyes that Kyuhyun almost missed a step, nearly bolting from the room, away from his self-doubt and tangled up thoughts.
Instead, in a singular moment of clarity, he leaned forward and brushed his lips against Jongwoon’s. Then, he waited for the world to implode. For a few agonising seconds, Jongwoon simply stood rooted to the spot, as though he had turned into some kind of frozen statue, hands clenched into fists at his side. Kyuhyun cursed himself for noticing too late. Jongwoon’s mouth was tense and unresponsive against his, lips pulled back into a startled grimace.
Being so close to Jongwoon, however, made Kyuhyun intensely aware of how warm his body was, and the subtle, clean scent of his aftershave, the faint whiff of something like apples from his shampoo. The perfect line of Jongwoon’s throat and the teasing glimpse of skin that his loose t-shirt revealed. Kyuhyun was taller, of course, but Jongwoon seemed to fill the room with his presence.
More time ticked by, and Jongwoon still didn’t move. This wasn’t going to work. Kyuhyun thought he’d be lucky if Jongwoon didn’t suddenly snap and try to choke the life out of him straight away. Besides, standing like this and kissing Jongwoon so hesitantly, only to find no reaction, was beginning to be unbearable. Kyuhyun felt disappointment like a punch in his gut, disconcerting and distressing. Knew he only had himself to blame, asking for too much, too late.
Kyuhyun pulled away, just as Siwon burst through the door.
“Oh, man! I thought I was going crazy. Kyu, do you know where Mimi’s gone? He was supposed to meet me for a coffee but he seems to have disappeared. Henry said he was over here. I have a DVD he wanted to borrow and I was going to give it to him…”
He droned on for a while, and Kyuhyun made an effort not to look in Jongwoon’s direction, too afraid of what questions he might see in Jongwoon’s eyes.
“I think he took Wookie to that bakery you’re always raving about,” he said, breaking into Siwon’s monologue about how he was so misunderstood and how no one appreciated the hidden depths of his movie collection. “I’m just about finished here, so why don’t we all go together? You coming, Jongwoon-hyung?”
“Yeah, come with us!” Siwon chirped, completely oblivious to the tension between the other two. “I’ll buy you some hot chocolate, hyung. Something sweet and unhealthy before you have to go into the army, no? Donghae keeps going on about how it’s the best thing he’s even drunk in his life. But you know, he’s always exaggerating about stuff like that…”
“No.” Jongwoon’s voice was rough, unsteady. He, too, was avoiding Kyuhyun’s gaze. Siwon eyed him quizzically but Jongwoon held up a hand, coughed and cleared his throat loudly. “Sorry. No, Wonnie. You two go ahead. I just came by to collect some of my things from Hyukjae’s room.”
“Aww. Well, whatever suits you, hyung.” Siwon saluted with a large, easy grin that showed off his perfect teeth. “But we’ll have to get a drink before you go in.”
“Definitely.”
“Cool. Bye then, hyung.” Siwon threw his arm around Kyuhyun’s shoulders. “C’mon, let’s go get some sugar.”
“See you, hyung.” Kyuhyun muttered, staring at the floor and the space between his sock-covered feet and Jongwoon’s. It was only a few centimetres, but it felt as though a chasm had opened up in the ground and he was incapable of crossing it.
Jongwoon didn’t respond.
Kyuhyun flew to Jeju the next day.
***
A long month and a half later, he’s looking at his latest game of Windrunner on his phone in the privacy of his dorm room, while tapping away at his laptop looking for a download of his latest OST track (because Kyuhyun is a perfectionist and because he thinks it won’t hurt to inflate the album’s sales numbers just a little). Then Ryeowook sticks his head in the doorway and huffs the kind of sigh that means Kyuhyun is being really stupid, only he just doesn’t know it yet.
“Jongwoon-hyung is coming by tonight,” he announces, even though Kyuhyun already knows because Sungmin told him when he came back after another variety show taping. “I’m going to cook dinner and everyone is going to sit around the table and enjoy it.”
“Sure,” Kyuhyun keeps an eye on his game. “I hope you’ve got enough food for all of us. You know how much Donghae and Henry are likely to eat. And Donghee-hyung says he’s not on a diet anymore, so…”
Ryeowook actually smacks his forehead with his palm. “No, you idiot! I mean you can finally sort out whatever you and Jongwoon were talking about that night before you left for Jeju!”
Kyuhyun opens his mouth to protest that it isn’t of Ryeowook’s damn business if he kissed Jongwoon or not, when he notices his friend’s expectant expression. “Yeah, nice try, Wook. Nothing happened, OK? Why don’t you run along and start washing rice or something. You need me to help?”
Ryeowook sniffs. “No, you’ll only slow me down. Besides, I’ve got Henry to help me out. Just don’t be weird around him; I don’t know why he’s been messaging me so much asking what you’ve been doing instead of asking you himself. I’m getting pretty sick of being the middleman, Kyu. You know I have much better things to do than be your unpaid secretary.”
He flounces off in the direction of the kitchen and Kyuhyun sits in silence for a moment before switching off the laptop and flopping back onto his bed with his phone. Idly, he scrolls through his various messaging apps and brings up one of Jongwoon’s last messages, sent to the entire Super Junior chat group.
About to go in, everyone! Training is only a month, but it feels like a lifetime before I’ll get to perform with you again. Take care of each other. Your hyung loves all of you.
They hadn’t spoken since that awkward, failed attempt at a kiss. Kyuhyun doesn’t even know what possessed him to try and has spent the past month and a half trying to convince himself to get over his infatuation. Perhaps, when Jongwoon comes for dinner tonight, he can explain away the kiss as a momentary madness. Maybe Jongwoon would believe him if he said he was drunk?
Kyuhyun groans and covers his face. It would be so much easier, really, if he were as over Jongwoon as he thinks he should be. The whole time Jongwoon’s been away, though, he’s been torturing himself reliving each horrible second of that night, trying to recall the scent of Jongwoon’s skin, the way his lips felt … the sinking realisation that nothing was ever going to happen between them.
“Are you going spend the rest of the evening looking like an actress from one of those horrible soap operas all the cleaning ajummas are watching?” Heechul asks from the doorway. “Because I have to say, you’re not doing as good a job as some of those girls on TV.”
“Go away, hyung,” Kyuhyun mutters, lazily extending his middle finger in the direction of Heechul’s voice without opening his eyes. “Maybe you should go pick on Henry and Wook in the kitchen. Check that they’re actually cooking and Wook’s not just telling Henry to recut all the vegetables because they’re not the right size.”
Heechul shuffles off and Kyuhyun returns to his contemplation of nothing and everything that’s wrong in his universe. He wonders what Jongwoon looks like now, after his basic training. The rest of the members have made the effort to meet up with him and they all still try and organise gatherings with Heechul and Junsoo every now and then, of course, but Kyuhyun’s been busy with his schedules recently and the awkwardness between them seemed to dissuade any attempts to catch up over a cup of coffee.
Kyuhyun supposes he could try and be a little bit more proactive, of course. He could, for instance, try and sit next to Jongwoon tonight, ask him about his training, if his platoon mates were nice to him, what the food was like. Then he thinks of Jongwoon ignoring him, perhaps because Kyuhyun has been to shit-scared to even try and send a message to him while he was at training, or tried to make up for forcing himself on Jongwoon.
When Kyuhyun hears footsteps approaching his room door again, he sits up, figuring it’s Heechul who’s come to give him some advice about what he thinks is wrong with the way Kyuhyun acts on Radio Star, or something equally inane and useless. Several retorts spring to mind almost immediately and Kyuhyun steels himself for the inevitable drama.
Instead, Jongwoon walks in, and Kyuhyun’s mouth drops open rather unattractively.
The month away has done Jongwoon good. He’s a little thinner now, even though he was never really carrying around much extra weight before. He looks leaner, tougher, and the time outdoors has given Jongwoon a healthy-looking tan that matches well with the shorter haircut the army’s forced on him. Jongwoon looks younger like this, and yet somehow more mature. More real. It’s as if the idol Yesung has been stripped away to reveal the true personality of Kim Jongwoon more clearly.
Kyuhyun realises he’s staring a beat too late and looks away when Jongwoon coughs softly.
“Hey, hyung,” he says, and it’s like a whisper more than anything, because his brain is racing a million kilometres an hour and he knows his mouth will have trouble keeping up. “Welcome back. You … I mean, I, sorry, we — we all missed you while you were gone. Uh. Did you have fun? I guess it can’t have been that much fun, huh?” He stares at the comforter, pulling at a thread that’s come loose from the white cotton. “Sorry I didn’t write or call, but I figured after all that… Anyway, you’re back now! Should we go outside and see what Wookie’s doing in the kitchen? Maybe we can bug Henry to give us snacks while we wait.”
He’s massively overcompensating. Kyuhyun can’t risk looking at Jongwoon again because it makes his heart do stupid prissy things like ache and it makes his insides twist with something like pain, sharpened by insane hope and shameful stirrings of lust.
“Let’s not,” Jongwoon tells him. He closes the door and Kyuhyun feels as though his heart might burst out of his chest at any moment. Which would be messy, although rather macabrely cool (he’s overthinking things, again).
“I want to talk to you.”
Kyuhyun shrugs, examines the weave of his comforter. “Is there anything to say, hyung? I missed you a lot, I guess. Everyone here did, especially with all the concerts coming up… It’s going to be so weird without you, you know. I mean, Wookie and I are picking up a couple of lines here in there in every song, and sometimes we get the rest to help out, but it isn’t the same without you around…”
His voice trails off. Jongwoon comes to sit down on his bed, shoving gently at Kyuhyun’s legs to get him to concede a little space.
“You’ll do fine without me while I’m trying to be normal. It’s just like trying out different vintages of the same wine, isn’t it? A bit of a change to start with, and maybe not to everyone’s tastes, but the basic characteristics are still there.”
Jongwoon talking about wine? That’s a first. Kyuhyun finally lifts his head and meets Jongwoon’s anxious eyes. There is a shimmering instant of tension, and then the corners of Jongwoon’s eyes crinkle and he’s grinning at Kyuhyun like he always used to. It’s the same grin that makes Kyuhyun’s stomach do flip-flops and turns him into a stammering mess. Jongwoon starts giggling first, then Kyuhyun finds himself doing the same, the laughter rising unstoppably from somewhere deep inside him and bursting out of his lips.
“Shit, Kyu.” Jongwoon shakes his head after a while. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how it all got so messed up. I wanted to talk to you before I left but there were so many things in the way, and there never seemed to be enough time during training to write out everything I wanted to say… That’s me for you, I guess, always trying to do to much and forgetting about what matters.”
“Why are you apologising, hyung? I’m the one who screwed things up before you left. Plus, you know, I kinda suck at checking in with you, if you haven’t noticed.” Kyuhyun leans back against the headboard of his bed, trying to act nonchalant but failing miserably because he’s still trying to process the fact that Jongwoon is sitting so close to him and everything he’s saying sounds as though it might be leading up to something significant, he’s just not sure what.
Kyuhyun measures the distance between their hands on the comforter, estimates about fifteen centimetres between the tip of his middle finger and Jongwoon’s thumb. He’s wondering how — if — it’s at all possible they could try to just be friends again, without all the awkwardness and polite silences they’ve been keeping.
“It takes two hands to clap, Kyu,” Jongwoon is saying. He shifts uneasily, folds his legs up underneath him. “What happened that night — I guess it was my fault as well. I just… I never noticed at first. Which is pretty dumb of me, huh? And then Wook was complaining about how I was the most oblivious person in the world and if he could disown me as his hyung he would — which I thought was kinda harsh but you know how he likes to be so dramatic — because it was clear to anyone with eyes that…”
Jongwoon trails off. He can’t seem to continue. Kyuhyun doesn’t think he can breathe again until Jongwoon says everything he has to say. It’s the sort of deadlock that just invites some idiot to wander in and spoil everything. Kyuhyun prays to whatever passing gods might be listening to please just let him listen in peace.
“Kyuhyun-ah,” Jongwoon says again, after what feels like an ice age has passed. “Is it true that you were in love with me?”
He’s leaning closer now, so close that when Kyuhyun looks down he’s surprised to see their fingertips are almost brushing each other’s. Several thousand possible replies to Jongwoon’s question spring to mind, all of them unsuitable and inadequate to properly express the turmoil in Kyuhyun’s head. So he settles for the most straightforward reply he can give, takes hold of Jongwoon’s hand with his own.
“I think you’ve got your tenses mixed up, hyung.”
Jongwoon scrunches his nose up, adorably confused. “Huh?”
Kyuhyun rolls his eyes, tries again. “I haven’t stopped.”
This makes Jongwoon blink. His smaller fingers curl around Kyuhyun’s. “Wait, what? You know, I don’t listen to half the things Ryeowook says sometimes. He watches too many dramas and talk shows with Sungmin, and then he’s so used to playing a relationship counsellor on the radio I think he believes he actually knows what he’s going on about… Are you telling me…”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am, hyung. I — uh. I think I’m — um —” Kyuhyun grips Jongwoon’s hand more tightly, afraid that he’ll run away once he hears what Kyuhyun has to say. Maybe it’s better like this; Kyuhyun can confess, Jongwoon can say he’s flattered but doesn’t feel the same way because Kyuhyun’s always been more like a brother to him, and they can get on with the rest of their lives. Maybe Jongwoon doesn’t have to hate him. “I think I like you. A lot. Just. Ah. Not as a dongsaeng likes his hyung.”
Kyuhyun would kill for some of the eloquence he supposedly displays on TV, but it’s too late now. He’s mangled his confession and Jongwoon is still staring at him as though he’s got horns coming out of his head. The silence between them stretches out, turns into an almost choking tension. At least Jongwoon hasn’t let go of Kyuhyun’s hand yet.
“When?” Jongwoon finally asks, after Kyuhyun starts to think they were just going to sit there without saying anything until Ryeowook came in and told them that dinner was ready. “I mean, how long have you felt like this, Kyu? Shit, I thought the kiss last time was just because you and Wook had some kind of dare going on, not because you were actually being serious. If I’d known —”
“What, hyung? You’d have stopped me?”
“No! I — I don’t know. You don’t expect these things to happen just before you go enlist. I got a lot of love from the fans because I was leaving, and from the rest of the members… I thought maybe Ryeowook pushed you a bit too far about sending me off properly…” Jongwoon stops himself. Squeezes Kyuhyun’s fingers. “Sorry, you know I ramble too much when I’m trying to sort stuff out in my head. What were you going to say?”
Kyuhyun decides not to press Jongwoon too closely about what he’s just revealed. He’s not sure if he could handle it in the present circumstances.
“How long? Well, if you want me to be precise about it, hyung, I guess since the concert in Osaka. When we were singing our duet… You’re probably going to think I’m an idiot, OK? But whatever. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like a lightbulb turning on. Watching you sing, it just hit me that I lo — uh I mean, that I liked you. Which is weird because who does that, right? Outside of movies? Maybe it wasn’t that I decided I liked you right then and there because of our song, hyung… I suppose it was more of a realisation, an epiphany...”
It feels good to finally tell Jongwoon and get it out of the way, although now it’s happened, Kyuhyun finds that despite thinking otherwise, he is insanely curious about what Jongwoon was referring to earlier on. Jongwoon, however, is much too fixated on Kyuhyun’s revelation.
“So, um… Nothing’s changed? You… you still like me?” Jongwoon asks, carefully pronouncing every word, as if he’s afraid that it might all be a terrible misunderstanding. Which, considering the fact that Kyuhyun kissed him the last time they were in a room together, is rather silly.
“Well… yeah.” Kyuhyun combs his hair through his fingers, trying to get it out of his face. “But I totally understand if you find it all a bit weird, hyung. I mean, who wouldn’t, right? I don’t expect you to tell me you feel the same. I know it doesn’t always work that way.”
“But what if I do?” Jongwoon whispers, his voice barely audible. There’s something else in his voice, something hopeful, something that strikes a chord in Kyuhyun. Makes him hopeful too. He tamps down the feeling before it grows too unwieldy. Jongwoon’s just being nice. It doesn’t have to mean anything.
It can’t. That’s not in the plan.
(Because his previous plans have turned out so well, a sarcastic voice notes in the back of Kyuhyun’s head.)
“No,” Kyuhyun shakes his head. “You don’t have to pretend for me, hyung, OK? I mean, I told you because I figure you have a right to know why I was such an asshole to you before you left. I don’t need anything in return.”
“You idiot.” Jongwoon’s smile is so bright it might just sear itself into Kyuhyun’s retinas. “What a fool you are. Why the hell would I want to lie about something like this?”
Memories start to click together in Kyuhyun’s mind. Pieces of a jigsaw puzzle he never knew he had to complete. The way Jongwoon would grab hold of his hand during a late-night recording session when everyone else had gone and they were left to work on the main vocals of a track, the small smile he reserved for Kyuhyun alone just before any live performance, the way he was always just there when Kyuhyun needed to whine about how unfair the managers were being to him. How he always listened to Kyuhyun like it was the most important thing in the world, even if the topic they were discussing was only how Kyuhyun couldn’t find the latest way of annoying Ryeowook during car rides.
Then Kyuhyun thinks about their last abortive kiss, how Jongwoon had seemed so shocked, how he’d never really pushed Kyuhyun away, or tried to hit him. He thinks about Jongwoon’s head on his shoulders during the walk back to the hotel, thinks about how he’d been so careful not to let his arm move.
Kyuhyun looks down at their linked hands, then back up at Jongwoon’s supernova smile.
“Oh.” He murmurs, right before Jongwoon’s hands frame his face and they both lean in for a second kiss.
Sure, it isn’t perfect — their teeth click together in their haste, and Kyuhyun tells himself next time he won’t be quite so enthusiastic with his tongue when Jongwoon almost bites down on it, but once they get over the initial awkwardness, it’s better than anything Kyuhyun could dream of.
Jongwoon tastes like pitch-black espressos and the bitter tang of nicotine, the sugary sweetness of Yesung stripped away and replaced with a darker flavour that Kyuhyun is steadily getting hypnotised by. They slow down, and Jongwoon growls low in his throat when Kyuhyun’s unsteady fingers brush against his t-shirt.
The sound of it makes Kyuhyun hyperaware of everything. It reminds him of how much he wants Jongwoon, how badly he’s fallen for him. He doesn’t want to call it love, because the idea of loving Jongwoon scares him; he’s not sure how much he can give. Then Jongwoon surges up against him, pulls him closer, their arms and legs entangling, Kyuhyun almost halfway off the bed before Jongwoon stops him falling. They glance at each other and in that moment, Kyuhyun has another flash of insight, feels the warm throb of certainty in the pit of his stomach. Understands that he has been fighting off the inevitable.
“How long?” Kyuhyun gasps, when he finally finds enough willpower to break away for a second.
Jongwoon sits back, his lips kiss-bruised red. “Longer than you. Ever since they brought you to the dorm and I tried to hate you.”
Kyuhyun flushes as he remembers his first nervous interactions with the rest of the group. Recalls walking around like he was dancing on eggshells, hoping nothing broke and no one beat him up for being such an obvious interloper. He listens to Jongwoon recount his story, about how he’d resented Kyuhyun’s late entry into Super Junior, how afraid he’d been that Kyuhyun would take over his role as lead vocal. Jongwoon’s unwillingness to be impressed by Kyuhyun’s talent, even though he liked the way Kyuhyun figured out how to worm his way into everyone’s hearts, especially the way Kyuhyun came to see him at his radio show.
“It was after the accident,” Jongwoon tells him. They’re stretched out on Kyuhyun’s bed, Kyuhyun’s head resting on Jongwoon’s stomach, Jongwoon’s fingers in his hair. Kyuhyun’s heart is still racing. It’s irrational because they’ve lived together for so long, and there isn’t any reason why Jongwoon should induce such a reaction in Kyuhyun. But that was before Kyuhyun knew he’d fallen in love.
“I told myself it was only that I was concerned about you. Like if Jongjin were hurt. Protective instincts, you know? But when you went on that show after everything the fans put you through, even though I knew you were hurting from your injuries, and you sang your heart out? Kyu, I nearly died.” Jongwoon looks slightly embarrassed. Kyuhyun wants to kiss the expression off his face. “Everybody ran up and hugged you afterwards, yeah? Well, I did too, but that’s when I realised I wanted more. It wasn’t just about protecting you — I mean, you’re old enough to do that on your own… It was more like I — I didn’t want any future where you weren’t with me.”
He laughs. “But I thought, why would you even suspect the way I felt? I thought I was failing horribly at being a proper hyung to you. I told myself that it was going to go away and it was just because I was spending all this time with you… I got pretty good at convincing myself that it was a total lost cause trying to tell you everything. Maybe that’s how I missed it, Kyu, and I’m sorry; I’ve been so wilfully blind because I didn’t think I could take the disappointment of being told to wake up and stop loving you.”
“So… you’re in love with me, hyung? Is that what you’re saying?” Kyuhyun gets up so he can look at Jongwoon properly. There’s a wonderful moment when Jongwoon flushes and tries to look away, but Kyuhyun grabs his hands and pins them on either side of Jongwoon’s head.
“Say it. Say you’re mine,” he breathes, a sudden tightness constricting his chest. He wants to know he’s not dreaming. Jongwoon’s skin feels smooth enough beneath his fingers, wonderfully vibrant and healthy against his own paleness. Kyuhyun buries his face in the side of Jongwoon’s neck, inhales deeply, memorising Jongwoon’s scent and the way he sucks in a gasp of a surprise.
Jongwoon groans. “You’re such a pain, brat.”
“Yes, but I love you.”
Silence. Kyuhyun thinks he might die if Jongwoon doesn’t reply.
“I think I’m hearing things,” Jongwoon croaks. “Maybe all those live shooting exercises have ruined my ears.”
Kyuhyun snorts. “You’re shit at lying. I love you, OK? I think I’ve got the worst timing in the history of mankind for realising stuff like this, but you need to know, hyung. I love you — and if anyone doesn’t like it they can go fuck themselves.”
“Language.” The smile on Jongwoon’s face still hasn’t faded in intensity. Kyuhyun wants to keep him in this bedroom, just like this, forever. Who cares if the army decides Jongwoon’s gone AWOL. “Oh, God, Kyu. I’ve been yours for years.”
Good. Kyuhyun rests his head on Jongwoon’s chest. “What now?”
“I don’t know. I guess you’ll have to deal with me being just a normal public service guy for the immediate future.”
“I can do that!” Kyuhyun listens to the steady thump of Jongwoon’s heart. He can hear the rest of the members moving about the dorm, knows that eventually he’ll have to surrender Jongwoon to the outside world. But not just yet.
“I’ll wait for you, hyung. Promise.”
“After that,” Jongwoon says, “the future is ours.”
To Kyuhyun, it is as bright as Jongwoon.