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No matter what he did to forget them, he knew that if he looked down at his wrist, Kugi would see the sight of prim white scars greeting him.
They were not a gross sight, pour say. Actually, the thin scars, pale like rays of moonlight shining on the inside of his arms, were encircling his wrist in neat rows. The deafening red colour they once were when he made them, had slowly faded to a pinkish white, a testimony of time passed. And yet, Kugi could almost see the red bubbling up at the top of them. He could still feel the blood beneath them pulsing and throbbing, calling to come to the light and slowly drip and weeps into the inside of his elbow, to stain the inside of his hands. The stench and breach of the blood flowing existed in sharp contrast to the neat scars he had once cut. And yet, after all this time, Kugi scars remained closed in their precise formation. They were still there, one after the other, like tally marks counting down his days of absolute misery. They were still there. The fact that they were so thin and methodic did nothing to ease the pain they hide. Kugi knew that and yet, he couldn’t help his eyes from wandering on the scars.
Maybe if he bites his lips enough, the thoughts would go away. Maybe if he could just transport the pain somewhere else in his body, then his wrist wouldn’t pulse so much. He closed his eyes and let his knees hit the ground of the bathroom floor. Kugi could feel tears borderlining at the edge of his eyelashes and yet, he bit his bottom lip harder, trying to will them away.
He didn’t want to cry over a simple cut on his hand. And yet the tears came and he felt helpless to make them stop. He knows he’s trying and failing to cry silently, but when Kugi looks down at the wound, even if it’s just a tiny mark on the inside of his thumb, all he can see and smell is the blood.
Blood running down his arm and soaking his white shirt like a red cloud slowly extending, no light, no light, and all he can see is the gun in his hand and helpless eyes looking at him, pales likes rays of moonlight, slowly losing their shines as sun disappear behind black clouds and rain starts to fall, washing away the smell of blood, cold rain like the cold water from the rusted bathroom tape ( Back to the present now , the water is running on his hands, Kugi can feel the cold water running on his hands, he can feel his frigid fingers shaking, just like the body in his arms back then, but no, focus on the water, focus on that, no time to waste time on the past, concentrate, the water is cold, he can feel it and it seems the cold is all he can feel now , not feeling anything else, his brain buzzing and puzzling with static noises and a constant pounding, Kugi isn’t sure if it’s the pounding outside the bathroom door he’s still vaguely aware of or or if it’s the headache, heartache in his brain, because everything seems so confusing and everything is shaking, why is his vision swimming, why is his lungs burning while his fingers are so so cold, if he could just focus on this, focus on this Kugi ) and and all he can see is the rain and and and and
...
It was just an accident. Simply an accident.
And Kugi would like to specify that it was not Hayato fault, despite cooking together being his idea in the first place.
It was not his fault.
It was not Hayato fault that he was so excited to ‘‘Try to recreate Mr Take ramen, it would make him so mad if we’re able to steal the recipes to his masterpiece, can you even imagine Kugi, his face would be hilarious!’’. Sure, Kugi doesn’t really understand his boyfriend obsession with bothering the old chef, but it’s endearing enough and if it lets him ogles Hayato when he’s unfairly concentrated on boiling noodles in broths (how he could look so focused and yet so cute while all he had to do was boil noodles escaped Kugi completely and he could say it was unfair how distracting Hayato was. But again, being distracting was Hayato things), then he doesn’t mind it so much.
It was not Hayato fault that since he was distracted, Kugi accidentally cut the inside of his thumbs while chopping vegetables. He should have been more careful and pay attention to what he was doing and not what his boyfriend was saying, but really, could you blame him?...
...
None of this so far was anyone fault. But actually, if he had to put the blame on someone, than, Kugi would put it on himself.
Because if the cut was neither his nor Hayato fault, simply an accident, how Kugi reacted after noticing said wound was 100% his fault this time. It was his fault for freaking out at the sight of blood falling between his palm lines. It was Kugi fault for jumping up on his feet and running to lock himself in the bathroom. And it also might be his fault that he didn’t take time to explain to his boyfriend what was happening and now had a concerned Inui, pounding on the door and asking if he was alright, the worry so obvious on his voice.
And Kugi was obviously really not alright.
Far from it.
While the tap water was running on his hands, Kugi desperately tried to calm down his erratic breathing and stop the flow of tears running down his face. And yet he couldn’t stop anything, everything was just rushing forward and he couldn’t do anything. Kugi could feel his legs quavering and it took all of his effort not to crumble up to his knee again. He had to stay on his feet if he wanted to clean the cut. And yet, despite the water running on the wound and cleaning away the blood, Kugi could still feel his hands being dirty, as if the stench of blood could never be washed away from them, just like back on this day, no matter how much he cleaned them, his hands never feeling clean after that day.
…
It was a rainy day. Just like back then.
The clouds in the sky were dark and rumbling, like the weather was prepared for a storm. And yet, the weather outside was nothing compared to the storm brewing inside Kugis head.
Yili had assured him that it would be a simple job. They wouldn’t see anything coming, he had the business meeting scheduled at some place far away inside the pit, so no one would be able to interrupt or to barge in. It would just be Kugi and his two marks and maybe a few bodyguards, but Yili had assured him that those would already be taken care of. He just had to do what he was trained to do and yet, Kugi couldn’t help but to feel like something would go terribly wrong.
He couldn’t help his fingers from shaking on his laps, while he was sitting at the back of the limousine. Kugi could feel Lihuang eyes on him, looking like he expected Kugi to screw all of this up. Instead of feeling the enormous amount of pressure he should be feeling (don’t be wrong, he was still feeling it-), Kugi couldn’t really blame him. He couldn’t help feeling the nervous energy in the car, with both Yili and Lihuang eyes weighting like the world, so much expectation resting on him.
It was suppose to be simple. All, he had to do was kill both of the man he had been hired to kill. They wouldn’t see anything coming and the job would be done, quick and clean. It wouldn’t even be the first time he would kill someone, memories of pale eyes looking at him, suffering agony, as if begging for this to be done. A shiver run through him at the thought and Kugi shake himself a little, trying to ground himself in the present. All it mattered now was to kill both his targets. It wouldn’t be hard, even if it was his first job hired to kill for the West district.
His first job.
He could still feel the Ei sibling eyes following him out of the car. Kugi knew that they couldn’t come with him at the meeting place, it would be too suspicious. Already, it was a bit much that they accompanied him to this point with the car, but they didn’t let him say anything when he tried protesting. Their presence, despite unwanted, was still bringing him some little comfort as he made his way down slowly on the stairs of the pit.
‘‘Kugi, wait!!’’
The young man turned back on his feet, surprised to hear Yili voice and to see her running after him. Before he could say anything else, he felt a pair of cold lips pressing on his forehead and the words ‘‘ Make us proud’’ being ushered away as the Western executive ran back to the car.
He barely register his own hands coming up to his forehead to wipe away the feels of Yili lips on him. He didn’t realize fingers or lips for that matter could feel this cold.
The next thing he’s aware of, he’s holding the gun in front of the face of a begging business man as his buddy is already losing his blood all over the floor.
Kugi doesn’t hesitate.
He pulls the trigger
....
Fist pounding at the door, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! , but Kugi ignore it all
...
The next thing he feels is the rain on his face, as he step outside and makes his ways to the car. He know there is no one else around, but still Kugi can’t help but be concerned about the slight tint of red on his hands, despite how many time he cleaned them. Another thing is the smell of blood, that he can still smell on himself, despite the rain falling all around himself.
The rain is freezing and that kicks back sensation into Kugi body. He can’t see anything because of the water, his eyelashes constantly fluttering to chase the raindrop away, but they still falls into his eyes and on his tongue with every breath he takes, the coldness somehow easing the pressure he feels around his chest every times he tries to bring air into his lung. The world is just the accumulation of shining droplets falling around him, twinkling a moment and then, crashing to the ground and everything is falling around him, coming down and up again, the world seeming upside down just for a moment, before crashing on the ground again and coming back on its feet, only to fall down again. His eyes are not able to settle on anything, constantly chasing on raindrop after the raindrop as they crash down and explode all over. There’s a thousand tiny boom! , his ears only able to pick up this sound and not the voices desperately trying to address him, Kugi brain not able to register the words other than a slight background buzzing, covered by the sound of the rain. It feels nice. The rain feels nice, the cold enveloping him in a caress and the water filling up his nostril and his lungs, not smelling like blood anymore, just the rain and its warm hands gripping his arm and dragging him away, but wait
wait
....
Kugi?
….
There are hands holding his arms tightly and dragging him away from where he was standing, but no, Kugi wants to stay in the rain a bit longer and yet, the car door close before he can run back in it. He finds himself trapped in a warm cage, where everything is hazy, a bit like anesthesia and he can’t feel a thing, except the weight of his drenched clothes on his frame. He tries to register what the voices he hears are telling him, but it’s so hard to focus.
…
Kugi, can you hear me?
...
He register a towel drying up his hair and someone taking off his coat, but he can’t barely feel anything. Now, if he tries very hard, he can hear words that are being ushered and repeated in his ears, you did so good, we’re really proud of you Kugi, you can have your revenge you see, everything’s gonna be alright Kugi, but the noise hardly make sense. The smell of the rain is still strong around himself and it’s better than the smell of the blood, everything is better than the smell of the blood.
He barely register the cold lips being pressed to his forehead again. They are still so cold, his skin feels feverish.
There’s a wetness on his face he’s not entirely sure has been a result of the rain.
…
Everything’s gonna be alright Kugi, BOOM! if I can just BOOM! get this fucking BOOM! door!
...
It’s only when they are back at the hotel and that Kugi has locked himself in the bathroom and that he has the stinging end of a razor blade pressed to the inside of his wrist that he starts to feel his body completely again.
The blood come to the surface of the wound he created, red bubbles blooming beautifully, and he know that he’s supposed to clean it and yet he can’t help cutting a second line again just below the first one, just to feel the stimulation of the cut running throughout his body again. He close his eyes, just to forget the blood for a moment once again, but he can still feel it running on his hand. When the darkness invades his vision, everything just seems a bit more real, the feels of the rushing water on his hands, the smell of blood in the air and the pounding at the door sounding so loud, soon it’s the only thing he can hear…
Suddenly, the door of the bathroom break and Kugi open his eyes again, surprised by the sound of breaking wood. He tears away his eyes from the cut on his thumb to look at his boyfriend entering through the broken door and the sight is so absurd, he can’t help the slight smile pulling at the corner of his lips. The motion seems so foreign, all of his sense not coming back yet to his body, everything still feeling a little numb.
And yet, he feels Inui hands slowly taking his from under the sink and turning off the cold water. Kugi would close his eyes again just to appreciate the feeling of Inui hands holding his. His boyfriend usually have cold hands, but right now, they feel strangely warm compared to Kugi frozen fingers.
He can hear words being spoken and yet it’s still so hard for his brain to register and understand them, but he’s trying his hardest, because Hayato is talking and he’s looking at Kugi with worried eyes and his fingers are holding his hands so delicately and Kugi feels like crying again, because he can feel their softness, all the care Hayato has for him and it’s just overwhelming.
‘‘...Was so worried about you, because you didn’t answer and you certainly didn’t miss yourself with that knife and I was afraid you had passed out or something!’’
Kugi only blinks as the long string of words slowly sinks in. The cut of his thumb isn’t bleeding anymore, but it still looks nasty and Kugi wince slightly, looking truly at it for the first time now that it’s not oozing blood. Hayato has been right when he told he certainly didn’t miss himself. The cut should be healing alright without needing stitches, but it’s still not a pretty sight. He see more than feels Hayato hand coming to hold his hurt one, so delicately once again. His brain still struggles to comprehend the word Inui is speaking:
‘‘We probably should cover that up with something. Wait, I think I must have a band aid somewhere in my jacket!…’’
The sight of Hayato, frantically trying to search through his pockets, just to get out a single bandaid from the coat already amuse Kugi a little, grounding him in the moment a little more. And again, he can’t help a slight smirk to pull on his lips when his boyfriend open the bandage packet and stick to his thumb a single Hello kitty band aid on top of his cut. The smile still seem a little strange on his lips, but already, the weight on his chest is alleviating slightly.
‘’... T-That… That is v-very much like you.’’
The words are heavy and hard to speak, but Hayato doesn’t comment on the slight stuttering or the wobbling in Kugi voice. Instead, he just smiles and snicker:
‘‘ You know, Hello kitty band aids just heals better. It’s a fact.’’
‘‘A-Ah. Say who?’’
‘‘ Expert and stuff. You know I’m a certified expert in this field. Just call me Doctor Cute and fluffy things.’’
This time, the smile that rise on Kugi lips doesn’t feel so forced anymore. His hands are still slightly shaking from the cold and he can still see the scars on his wrist, always there, but he’s trying to distract himself by looking at Hayato face. Inui eyes are not leaving him for one second and Kugi can feel a sense of ease settling in his heart.
‘‘... Do you want to talk about what happened?’’
‘‘... Mmm… Maybe later?... F-For now… Can we just stay like this?’’
Hayato just nodded and continue to delicately lace their fingers together. Kugi close his eyes again and just breaths in the scent of his boyfriend while he buries his face in Hayato jacket. It’s very comforting and he can’t help the small chuckle that escaped him when he feels Hayato lips kissing his forehead. His lips are delightfully warm and Kugi can’t wish for more.
They stay like this for a moment, standing up in the bathroom, in each other arms, comforting and comforted. They almost start swaying in place, as if dancing a really slow dance, their body so close and supporting each other. Kugi just continue to breath in deeply the unique scent of Hayato, until he smells the slight stink of smokes in the air.
‘‘... You forgot to turn off the stove for the noodles, didn’t you?’’
At this, Hayato stop swaying for a moment, unmoving, before saying really slowly:
‘’... I might have forgotten to turn off the stove for the noodles Kugi. Well. Shit.’’
The fact that this is all said in the calmest voice pulls another chuckle from Kugi while his boyfriend curse and unwrap his arms from around him and runs back to the kitchen.
‘‘... We’re both mess, aren’t we?’’
This sentence make him smile in a bittersweet way, before Kugi starts moving too, to help his mess of a boyfriend to prevent the kitchen from burning down.
It’s pretty hard to get food delivery on the island, just because delivering food is a very dangerous job, but Hayato is still able to phone for chinese food being delivered to where he lives. Than, they both eats, directly sitting on the ground and Hayato insisting that he should feed his boyfriend, since ‘’Kugi, you shouldn’t use your hand, you’re hurt!!’’, despite the fact Kugi injured his non-dominant hand.
It’s awfully cute, so Kugi lets him feed him one or two pieces anyway, but just if Hayato lets him do the same thing too.
They still don’t talk about what happened, but Kugi know that he will be able to one day and that’s enough to comfort him for now.
It might be messy, but everything is alright.
He might never be able to escape the things from the past, but everything is alright now.