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Alex has never known love. Not like the kind shown in the movies, not like the kind she’s seen in her parents. The love that moves mountains, and feels like it could bring you to your knees.
She’s never known it, and she fears she might never know it. It’s disappointing, sure, but she trusts that love will come when it needs to.
So she waits.
+
She gets tired of waiting.
It’s not a surprise--Alex has always been impatient. But by the time she’s twenty-one, she’s had enough. Bad relationship after bad relationship ends, leaving her lonely. Then Sydney brings a friend home from work while Alex is pulling her mom’s bacon mac and cheese out of the oven--her go to after a breakup.
“Hey, Alex! This is Kelley. Kelley, Alex,” Syd introduces, attention on her phone as she introduces the two. “She’s joining us for dinner.”
Kelley sticks out her hand, and Alex looks at it for a moment, still a little stunned by Syd’s surprise before she realizes she should probably take it.
“Oh, um, sorry,” she mumbles, unsuccessfully trying to shake off her oven mitt while reaching over to grab the girl’s outstretched hand. “Hi, Alex.”
“Kelley. Sorry, Syd insisted on dinner.” She begins to ramble. “I helped her earlier in class, and she said she’d pay me back, and if I had known someone else would be making it I wouldn’t have--”
“Eh, it's fine.” Alex waves off Kelley’s apology. “It’s probably a good thing you’re here. I made way too much anyway, so.”
“Comfort cooking?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
Syd scoffs at Alex’s obscure answer, rolling her eyes and walking over to help Alex dish out three servings of mac and cheese. “More like ‘I-just-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-so-I’m-overeating’ cooking.”
“Oh, I like it--concise. Good job, Syd,” Alex shoots. She glances at Kelley, who looks like she doesn’t quite know how to react.
“Don’t even worry about it,” Alex assures, smiling to deliver her point. “He was a terrible boyfriend, and he chewed with his mouth open. But it’s still a breakup, so I figured I shouldn’t give up an opportunity to overeat.”
Syd pretends to gag at the memory. “He was a mouth-breather, too. How did he breathe while he ate?”
“No idea.”
+
Ironically, they don’t breathe much as they scarf down their dinner (Pam Morgan’s recipe never fails to impress), and proceed to spend the next few hours talking--the majority of the time Alex and Kelley bond over teasing Sydney for her shortcomings as a friend.
Alex finds out Kelley is the middle child out of three, was born in Georgia, and has an intense fear of birds.
“You’re scared of birds?”
“They’ve got shifty eyes!”
“Do you eat chicken?”
“I’m not scared of dead birds.”
All-in-all, it’s a good night, and it goes by faster than Alex expects. Before she knows it, it’s 9 p.m., and Syd is scurrying off to answer her nightly call from Dom.
“He calls every night?” Kelley asks, waving goodbye to Sydney who’s already retreated into her room. “That’s very seventh grade of them.”
“I think it’s sweet,” Alex defends, smiling at the closed door of Sydney’s bedroom before turning her attention back to the girl in front of her. “They’ve only been dating for a month or so--the honeymoon phase hasn’t worn off.”
Kelley nods. “What about you? How long did you date Matthew before calling it quits?”
“I don’t want to tell you,” Alex mumbles, blushing slightly.
“C’mon!” Kelley scoots closer to Alex, legs crossed in applesauce form. “It can’t be embarrassing--I’m only asking for a timeline.”
Alex decides teasing Kelley sounds like a fun idea. “Mm, I don’t know. I’ve only known you for a couple hours. Don’t even know your last name.”
“It’s O’Hara. Now tell me.”
Alex shakes her head, standing her ground. “Nope.”
“I told you I was scared of birds! That had to have gotten me some brownie points.”
Alex pretends to think it over, cupping her chin and looking up in contemplation. She concedes, laughing at Kelley, who’s bouncing up and down in her seat like a child. “Three months.”
“You dated a mouth-breather for three months?”
“I told you it was embarrassing!”
“Gross. What was it like when you kissed?”
“Really… airy.”
“Ugh. Disgusting.”
Alex laughs, nodding in agreement. She takes a sip of her wine before asking, “So, classic senior question, but do you know what you’re doing after graduation?”
Kelley groans, dramatically flinging her body back over the arm of the couch. “I hate that question.”
“I hated yours.”
“Fine. I’m going to be working for my uncle’s company in D.C.”
“Why do you hate that? That’s awesome.”
“Because a lot of people think it’s unfair, that I kind of have my life set up for me. But it’s not like I’m just doing it because it’s something to do. I actually care about it.”
“Well, that’s stupid,” Alex states. “People are stupid. What are you gonna be doing?”
“It's an engineering company, and they essentially do everything. I’m majoring in environmental engineering, so I’m gonna be going into the sustainability aspect of it. You know, focusing on making the company greener.” Alex thinks it’s cute when Kelley blushes after she finishes. “Sorry, I’m rambling. Anyway, what about you?”
“Law school.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah, I actually want to go to D.C., too. Georgetown.”
“Damn. Isn’t that like, number one in the country?”
Alex laughs and shakes her head. “No, fourteenth right now, actually. Which isn’t the best, but I figure the job opportunities will make up for it.”
“For sure, for sure. Besides, fourteenth is still really good.”
“I guess.”
“No, really. You must be like, a genius.”
Alex smiles in gratitude at Kelley’s blind faith in her, and at the ease that comes with talking to her. When Kelley smiles back at her, Alex can’t do anything except immediately turn her gaze to the ground.
“Okay, well. It’s getting late,” Kelley states, standing up. “I should back and finish some work before my 9 a.m.”
“Yeah.” Alex walks Kelley to the door, patiently waiting as she puts on her shoes. “I’m really glad Syd brought you over.”
“Me too.” Kelley looks down at the phone in her hand for longer than normal, and Alex raises an eyebrow at her pause. She’s about to ask Kelley what she’s thinking, when, “Wanna exchange numbers?”
Alex would make fun of Kelley’s hesitation (and weirdly formal phrasing, really) if the slight blush on her face weren’t so endearing. So she spares her, figuring she’s done enough teasing for one night. “Sure.”
But her remorse evaporates when Kelley hands her an Android. “Uh, you have a Samsung?”
“Hey, I got it before the whole ‘exploding in your pocket’ thing happened, and I’m just waiting for an upgrade.” Kelley defends, typing her number into Alex’s phone before handing it back.
“Still. You have an Android.”
“Whatever.” Hey eyes light up, then, “I’m gonna text you goodnight every night at ten from now on.”
“Why ten?”
“Gotta beat Syd and Dom. Stay up an hour later than them.”
Alex laughs, handing Kelley’s phone back to her Kelley opens the door and walks down the hallway with a casual peace-sign thrown Alex’s way as a goodbye.
She watches as Kelley turns the corner, then stands in the doorway long after she’s left. There’s a hint of a smile gracing her face, and she swears she feels a little less lonely than she did three hours ago.
Her heart is happy. She’s made a friend.
How very seventh grade of her.
+
Text Message: Kelley O’Hara
10:00 pm
Goodnight, Alex! It was nice meeting you.
Even if you can be kind of mean.
Never text me with the green bubble again.
+
Alex twists and turns in her bed for another two hours before deciding to text her again.
Text Message: Kelley O’Hara
11:57 pm
It was nice meeting you, too.
+
Dinners with Kelley become a weekly thing.
“So, I checked, and I have an upgrade.” Kelley wipes the excess water off the dish that Alex hands her. “Thinking about getting another Android.”
“Bleh.” Alex shivers, shutting off the sink and moving to reorganize the dishes that Sydney incorrectly sorted through. “It makes it so hard to want to text you.”
Kelley hops up on the counter after handing the last plate off to Alex. “iPhones are so lame, though. Everyone has one.”
“Everyone has them for a reason,” Syd counters.
“Touché.”
Sydney rolls her eyes when Alex snatches the forks out of her hands. “As anal retentive as she is about our cutlery placement, I agree with Alex. Get an iPhone, Kells.”
“Fine, I give in. Peer pressure--works every time.”
Sydney scoffs. “Weak.” Alex laughs at the yelp that comes out of Syd’s mouth when Kelley snaps a towel at her.
“Hey, Al?” Kelley’s voice is small.
“What’s up?”
“Wanna go to the mall and help me pick it out tomorrow after your classes end?”
Oh. “Sure.”
“Cool.” Kelley smiles and swings her legs. “Thanks for dinner, by the way.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
“You need me for anything else, or am I good to head home for tonight?”
Sydney answers before Alex has a chance to. “You’re good.”
“Okay. See ya tomorrow.”
Alex waits until she hears the front door click shut before allowing a grin to crack her face. She walks over to the table and starts wiping down the crumbs, blushing when she feels Sydney’s eyes follow her.
“You know.” Sydney comes over and bumps Alex’s hip with her own. “There are only so many options when it comes to picking out an iPhone.”
“Shut up, Syd. And stop eavesdropping.”
“I was literally right here.”
+
Text Message: Kelley O’Hara
10:00 pm
Goodnight, Al! See ya tomorrow.
Goodnight, Kelley.
+
They walk out of the Verizon store with a new phone in Kelley’s hand.
“Thank God you got rid of that monstrosity.” Alex watches as Kelley furrows her brows trying to set her lock screen.
“You need help, Kell?”
“No, just trying to figure out…”
“Hm?”
A triumphant look appears on Kelley’s face, and she fist pumps in the middle of the mall before shouting, “Yes!”
“Did you just… fist pump? Lame.”
Kelley ignores her, pulls her over so they’re standing against the wall, holding her new phone out in front of them. “I found the camera app.”
“Ew, don’t call it the camera app, grandma. Just call it the camera.”
Kelley rolls her eyes and nudges her, so Alex turns to face the camera and smiles.
She finds her smile easier to hold when Kelley positions her cheek to rest on Alex’s shoulder.
Kelley moves away from her, and Alex sees her green eyes softening in satisfaction at the way the picture turned out.
“Look at how clear that is. That’s what happens when your phone isn’t trash.”
She waves her off, and points towards the Cold Stone, handing Alex her debit card. “Sweet cream, chocolate chips folded in.”
Alex looks down at the card in her hand, and back up at Kelley with an incredulous look on her face. “Are you serious?”
She’s serious, and five minutes later Alex swipes Kelley’s card then walks out of the store with two ‘Like-it’ cups of ice cream, looking around to try to spot her friend.
She spots her by the sitting area, scrolling through her phone, and Alex rolls her eyes, trying to remember how Kelley even got her to fetch the ice cream in the first place.
Kelley smiles when Alex arrives, reaching out to grab the cup out of her hands. “Thanks, Al.”
“Using manners the next time you ask would be great.” Kelley’s about to respond when her phone lights up with Sydney’s name.
“Yo.” Alex strains her ears to hear Sydney on the other end.
“I’m here.”
“Where you dropped us off?”
“Yeah, hurry. The mall cops have already talked to me like, three times.”
“My bad, Alex wanted ice cream.”
“Liar.”
“Typical.”
Kelley hits the red button, and she looks down at her phone to check the time. Alex catches the picture they took just a few minutes ago on the lock screen before it turns black.
She bites her lip to force back a smile.
Kelley stands up and takes a few steps before offering a hand for Alex to take. “C’mon. Let’s go.”
Alex looks down at it, suddenly thinking back to the moment they met--when her hand was stuck in an oven mitt, and she was unable to feel Kelley’s skin as they greeted each other for the first time.
She pauses long enough for Kelley to notice, and Kelley lowers her hand before Alex can accept it.
“You okay, Al?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go before Syd gets a ticket.”
They walk out side-by-side, and Alex is looking everywhere but at Kelley, afraid she’s embarrassed her. They’ve just about exited the mall when Alex feels something brush against her hand.
She looks down to see Kelley’s hand hovering awkwardly over hers, and before Alex can over think, she closes the space until their palms meet.
It takes a moment for Kelley’s fingers to interlock with hers, but Alex can’t help but feel as though they fit neatly together when they do.
Kelley’s hand is a little cold from holding her ice cream. The heat rises in Alex’s cheeks anyway.
It feels nice.
And if Sydney thinks anything of it, she has the decency not to say.
+
iMessage: Kelley O’Hara
7:34 p.m.
Thanks for the ice cream!
Read 7:37 p.m.
+
iMessage: Kelley O’Hara
8:45 p.m.
It’s so satisfying seeing the blue bubble instead of the green.
#teamiphone
Delivered
+
It’s 10:07 when Syd pokes her head in the doorway of Alex’s bedroom, and Alex barely registers her arrival, attention turned towards finishing the paper that was definitely due three hours ago.
“Hey.”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“Wanna go to the rec fields tomorrow? Kick around a little?”
Something about Sydney’s tone catches Alex’s attention, so she spares a moment to look up at her over the screen. “Uh, yeah, sounds fun. What time?”
“Six?”
“Sure.” She tries to wait for Sydney to add what she wants to say, but the looming pressure of finishing the overdue assignment pulls her attention back to her laptop.
It’s been a few minutes, and Alex has all but forgotten that Sydney is still in her doorway when, “Alex.”
She jumps at the mention of her name. “Syd, I’m really sorry, but I need to finish this before I go to bed.”
“No, it’s just. Is it okay if Dom and Kelley come with us?”
“Yeah.” Alex furrows her brow at Kelley’s name, taking a quick glance over at her phone to see if Kelley has responded to her texts. Kelley hasn’t talked to her since earlier in the day, when they held hands while walking out of the mall.
“Yeah, that’s fine. I’d check with Kelley, though, I think she said something about an important presentation coming up or something.”
“She already agreed.”
“Oh.” Well, then she’s definitely been on her phone, Alex thinks. “Okay, cool. Sounds good.” She looks back at the half-finished paper front of her, chewing on her bottom lip in frustration. She tries to ignore the gut feeling that she scared Kelley off by holding her hand.
“Hey, Alex?”
Alex fights back the urge to slam her laptop shut at the sound of Sydney’s voice interrupting her once again.
“What, Sydney?”
“Just, uh. Keep your ringer on, okay?”
+
Facetime Audio: Kelley O’Hara
10:56 p.m.
“Hello?”
“Hi!”
“You’re fifty-six minutes late, and this isn’t a text.”
“Yeah... Kinda wanted to do this over the phone, if that’s okay.”
“What’s up?”
“Uh, what are you doing on Friday?”
“Probably hanging out with Syd.”
“Oh, that’s cool. Okay, then nevermind…”
“Kelley.”
“Yeah?”
“I can reschedule with Sydney.”
“No, you should--.”
“Kelley.”
“Yeah?”
“Ask me out.”
Alex doesn’t have to be next to her to know Kelley’s grinning like an idiot right now.
+
Their first date is silly, but Alex doesn’t think it could’ve gone any better.
Alex looks around the restaurant before lowering her voice and leaning into the middle of the table.
“Hey Kell. Don’t freak out, but...”
“What?”
“I think they serve chicken here.”
“...”
“It’ll be okay.”
“I hate you.”
By the end of it, the butterflies in Alex’s stomach have made it clear they have no plans to slow down.
+
Their first kiss is clumsy, and nothing like Alex had imagined.
She’s embarrassed, and Kelley spends the rest of the night making sure Alex knows first kisses aren’t a big deal.
“I just wanted it to be a good kiss.”
“The second one will be, like, way better.”
Her words are so sweet that Alex leans in for it right then.
She’s right. The second one is like, way better.
+
Alex and Kelley have been official for fifteen weeks now. Facebook official for nine.
“We have to put it on Facebook?”
“Duh. How else would people believe you’re actually dating me? I need proof, Alex.”
They’re in the library, the first exam week of the new semester approaching, and Kelley is goofing off with her friends across the floor when Alex sees Kelley’s phone flash with a text from Christen.
The lock screen is still the same picture they took months ago at the mall. Alex wonders why Kelley hasn’t changed it. She knows they’ve taken cuter pictures since then.
She peeks up at Kelley, who’s deeply invested in whatever story Nima is telling. Alex grabs Kelley’s phone and unlocks it, flipping through her photos until she finds the one she’s looking for.
They took it three weeks ago when she, Kelley, and Sydney visited Kelley’s extended family in D.C. over a long weekend so Alex could interview at Georgetown.
Alex’s nerves were not helped by meeting Kelley’s aunt and uncle, but it turned out to be a pretty cool weekend, and not only because she got to mark getting a tour of the White House off her bucket list.
“Perks of dating me.”
The picture was taken by Sydney, who was walking behind them while they were crossing Francis Scott Key Bridge on their way to explore the city after Alex’s interview.
Kelley’s looking over at the water, and Alex’s gaze is focused on their interlocking hands.
She thinks back to what Kelley said to her.
“This time next year, you and I are going to be living here.”
“If I get in.”
“You’ll get in.”
Alex finger hovers over “Use as wallpaper.”
Just then, Kelley’s laugh travels all the way to her from the other side of the library, and Alex snaps her head up, wanting to catch the best part--Kelley’s hand clutching her stomach, head back, and nose scrunched up, making her eyes squint.
She smiles at the sight, then looks back at the phone and taps the screen.
Alex puts it back where it was, smiling when Kelley appears next to her.
“Hi. Miss me?”
‘Butterflies’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.
+
Kelley O’Hara (Is My Girlfriend)
9:59 p.m.
Goodnight, Kell.
Delivered
You cheated. That’s 1 minute before regulation allows.
Goodnight, babe.
+
Making dinner with Kelley is impossible.
Alex put her on the cutting-board, thinking any twenty-two year old would be well-capable of cutting bell peppers without supervision, but Kelley decides it’d be more fun to chop the peppers into little pieces and chuck them at Alex instead.
Alex sends Kelley to hang out in Sydney’s room after a pepper falls down her bra.
+
Kelley flicks a piece of pasta at Alex during dinner.
There’s a tug on the corners of her lips, and Alex does her best to hold it off. It appears anyway--not on her lips, but rather in her eyes. And there’s a flutter in her chest that disappears as quickly as it came, and--.
Oh.
So that’s love.
+
“I’m thinking about applying for a job in San Francisco.”
“Oh, I--. Uh, what about your uncle’s company?”
“I probably won’t even get an interview, and even if I do, I won’t go. I just want to apply to see if I can.”
“Okay. It’s your decision, Kell.”
+
Kelley gets an interview.
She flies out for it.
+
Alex tries to ignore the fact that once Kelley gets back from the interview, she shuts her laptop whenever Alex enters a room.
She really, really tries to ignore the fact that she’s Googling, “apartments in San Francisco.”
+
Dinner is interrupted by a call.
“That was Georgetown.”
“And?!”
“I got in.”
+
The next few days are absolute bliss for Alex. She’s constantly on the phone with Kelley’s uncle, asking him what he thinks good apartment complexes close to school are, and they’re making plans for her and Kelley to meet up with him over the summer so he can get them used to the city before she starts school.
Then she gets a text from Kelley.
Kelley O’Hara (Is My Girlfriend)
4:34 p.m.
Alex, I got the job in San Francisco.
Is this a conversation we should be having over text?
Probably not. Can I come over?
No.
Delivered
+
9:13 p.m.
Tomorrow.
Delivered
+
10:00 p.m.
Goodnight.
+
“What are you leaning towards?”
“I don’t know. I never really knew anything but my uncle’s was a possibility.”
“When do they need an answer by?”
“Monday after graduation.”
“Okay.”
+
They agree to not talk about it until after graduation--once Kelley’s made a decision on her own, because Alex doesn’t feel comfortable having this much say in Kelley’s future.
Because it is. It’s Kelley’s future.
So they decide to enjoy the rest of senior year.
+
Graduation comes around faster than she expects, and she’s taking pictures with her family when Kelley comes over. Pride swells in Alex’s chest when Kelley goes straight to greet Pam and Michael before coming over to her.
“Hi. We did it!”
“We did.”
She pulls Kelley off to the side while her parents and extended family figure out the best way to get to their reservations for dinner.
“So…” Alex starts, reaching for Kelley’s hands. “Did you choose?”
“Yeah.” There’s a smile on Kelley’s face, but Alex doesn’t let herself relax, wanting Kelley to verbally confirm before reacting.
“I think I know what your answer is, but I really need you to say it.”
“It’s Georgetown, Alex.”
“It’s not just because of me, is it?”
“Conceited, much?”
Alex doesn’t find it funny, pursing her lips at Kelley’s attempt at a joke.
“Well, would you be mad if I said yes?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Well, I don’t want to lie, so it is a yes.” Kelley squeezes Alex’s hands as she prepares to go off on a rant on independence. “Wait, stop. Calm down. It was going to be a hard decision, whether you were in the picture or not. Both are great jobs that will ultimately get me the experience I want. Both have great benefits, great pay. So, I did what you told me. I thought about my future. And I don’t see one without you. I can’t imagine it. Don’t want to.
“I never, ever saw myself as someone who would make a decision because of relationship. But then, I never saw you coming.” Kelley leans in to rest her forehead on Alex’s, and looks at the ground before saying, “My future, Alex? It’s you. So, it’s Georgetown.”
The picture Mike snaps of the moment ends up as Kelley’s next lock screen.
+
“The good ones are hard to find, Alex, and even harder to keep. That’s what makes them good.”
That’s what her mom used to tell her, whenever they would talk after one of Alex’s breakups. And the youngest Morgan has kept that sentiment close to her heart over the years.
But now? Alex disagrees. Her relationship with Kelley is simple, and comes naturally. It always has, and Alex, for some odd reason, knows it always will.
Kelley O’Hara is one of the good ones.
+
So no, Alex will never know the kind of love her parents know, or the kind in the movies. She’ll never know the love that brings her to her knees.
No, she knows love in the way that it’s easy. And maybe her love will never move mountains, but it gives her the strength to move them herself.
She knows love in the way it’s rehomed her 2600 miles away from where she grew up, and in the lips that she kisses goodnight (every night. At 10 p.m., without fail).
She knows love in the way that’s hers.
Alex prefers her love.