Work Text:
it's completely dark in the room. My room.
I've woken up from a nightmare, again. It's been happening every night since I got home five years ago, After a year with them. After a year in hell.
In five years i haven't gotten a peacful night. 6 years really. It doesn't help that my family is worried sick for me either. That just makes them visit me more often, which again makes me have to lie to them more often, and put on my mask more often and tel them i'm fine, more often.
Because everything isn't fine, far from it. What happened to me, that long ago, ruined something inside of me, and neither I, nor anyone else for that matter seems to be able to fix it. I'm not that bubbly and happy person i used to be. I am no longer carefree, and worst of all. I'm not happy anymore, because all the time there's only one thought circling around my head. What if they find me again? Then I wouldn't have any chance whatsoever so escape again. They would make sure of that. Hell would come over me again, and if I, thanks to some miracle, would be able to escape again, I woudln't care to even try to survive in this world. I wouldn't take the chance of them finding me again.
No! i need to stop thinking like this. It's not healthy. At least that's what my psychologist says, but what does she know. she hasn't been able to help me this far. maybe I should get another psychhologis, someone better. someone that's able to help me, because she is just clueless. probably the worst psychologist in the state, maybe even the entire country. I don't know. I don't really care either.
I'm getting up. I need to get up if i'm going to be able to fall asleep again. I'll do what i always do, everytime i wake up. every night. I'm going to the 24/7 gym down te street from my house. I'm getting dressed and I'm going to get dressed and I'm going down to the gym, yes. Good plan. One step at a time.
I'm dressed now and I'm putting on my shoes, cheking that my gun is in my pocket, just in case, and going outside. To the gym. It's the only thing that helps when I'm like this. the only thing that helps is to excescise until i can barely stand on my feet, until I'm out of breath and I'm almost passing out. Thats when i can go home to sleep again. Usually that works. Usually, but sometimes, like this time, it doesn't. then I'm just supposed to take one of the sleeping pills that i get from my psychologst.
Sometimes, like this time, when it's really bad, i just pour all the pills into my pakm and just stare at them. I'm contemplating whether the best thing fo rme, for everyone, would be to just end it right here and now. It wouldn't hurt. I'd just fade away. Here one second, next the other. alive one moment, only a memory the next. just let the darkness flood me. I'm just thinging how amazing it is. That something this small, something that often help people, can also easily kill them, but I won't do it though. My family would get crushed if I go through with it. I'll just keep on existing, because i'm not alive. now I'm a living corpse wandering the eart. Now I'm just existing.