Work Text:
“Everything okay?” He knew the answer was no just by looking at her. She had enormous bags under her eyes; she looked exhausted, both physically and mentally. He swore her eyes were glassy, almost like she was high.
“I came as soon as I got your message.”
“Which one? I left three.“
It was clear she didn’t know how to respond, so instead she rolled her eyes and turned towards the stairs. Avoidance was her specialty after all; even he knew that.
“Erin…” He felt himself getting choked up, but he powered through. “I’m not your boss. I don’t care where you were. But know that I am looking out for you. Whatever you got going on upstairs, you’ve got to face it head on.” He wasn’t good at this kind of thing, but he was trying.
Silence passed between them, but it was no longer comfortable. Something had shifted. Something was seriously wrong and she was shutting down.
She finally let out a puff of air, almost a small laugh. “Yeah,” she said, sarcasm evident. “Thanks.” She began to walk away again, and he almost let her.
“Please don’t walk away from me,” he pleaded.
The tremble in his voice caught her attention. Never in her life had she seen him break down. If there was one thing she could always count on, it was that when the dust settled, Jay would be standing tall like a rock, ready to keep her steady no matter what the situation. But when she turned to face him once more and looked into his tear-filled eyes, she felt her heart drop into her stomach.
He ran his hand over the back of his neck, chuckled nervously and stared hard at the ceiling in an effort to compose himself. “I know I’m not great at offering support, but I’m trying here okay? Just meet me half way. What is going on with you?”
She shook her head and glanced at the floor, biting down on her bottom lip. “I’m just… I’m still dealing with Nadia’s death.”
“Are you though?” he challenged, and it was off with the kid gloves. “Are you dealing? Because it feels like you’re just shutting down.”
She raised a tired eyebrow. “Just because I’m not pouring my heart out to you doesn’t mean I’m not dealing, and I’d appreciate it if you got off my back,” she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.
He stepped back, obviously winded by her verbal blow. “I’m worried about you, Erin! Is that so God damn bad?”
She inhaled a sharp breath and pursed her lips before wiping her hands over her face. “No,” she responded, agitated. “It’s just that everybody’s on my case - you, Hank, Platt. I’m tired of the interrogations.”
“I think we all just want to help you get past it.”
“It’s hard to get past it when everybody keeps trudging it back up!” For the first time, she looked him square in the eye and found it hard to focus. Her eyelids fluttered and she quickly turned away, but he grabbed her arm to stop her.
“Hey,” he said as she struggled to wrest herself free. “Look at me.”
She shook her head and curled her fingers over his, trying desperately to pry them off her forearm.
“Look at me,” he repeated, vulnerability and panic dripping into his every word as the realization of her state of mind began to seep in. “Are you high?”
She didn’t look at him, and soon his grip released her. He backed away, put both of his hands over his face and wiped them down into a prayer. “Please,” his voice a whisper, threatening to give way to the emotion so clearly written on his face. “Erin, please tell me you’re not…”
“I took a few pills last night. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“But you’re not!” He couldn’t stand it anymore and he let the tears fall. Embarrassed, he swiped at his right cheek to remove the evidence and turned away from her, putting his hand to his forehead. “God, what are you doing? Why are you doing this?”
She narrowed her eyes. “It doesn’t matter.” She was checking out, or she was trying hard to. It was her defense mechanism; time and time again when life got rough, she shut down. But she couldn’t hide that easily from him. He wouldn’t let her and she knew it. “It’s not your problem Jay, so leave it alone. I don’t know why you care so much. We’re just partners.”
Her words were harsh, and she knew they did the job; he immediately shut his eyes, visibly wounded. “Are you really gonna say that to me?”
She shrugged her shoulders, her eyelids close to shutting.
He shook his head and threw his hands up. “Fine,” he said, slapping them down on his thighs. “We might be ‘just partners’ on paper, but we’re more than that Erin… at least on my end.”
“We had a fling, Jay. That’s it.”
This time, he smiled. “You told me you wouldn’t retire to Wisconsin with me when I told you about my grandfather’s cabin. It was more than a fling and you know it, so don’t play this game with me. You wanna shut me out? You’re gonna have to try harder.”
“Jay…”
“Nah, what else you got, huh? What other insults?” He gestured for her to throw some at him. “I can stand here all night Erin. All day too if it means you’ll finally open up.”
“You know what,” she said as she charged towards him. “You’re an asshole.”
He pursed his lips as she stopped right in front of him. “That all you got?” He looked down and forced her to lock eyes, but he didn’t touch her. Instead, he gave her his patented Halstead sass. “Come on. You can do better.”
She shook her head, clearly angry, and pushed him. Hard.
He stumbled backwards but like rubber, bounced right back. He refused to let her get through him, not until he really stripped her raw and pulled her out of this darkness she was drowning in. She may hate him at the end, but he would force her to face her demons. He was glad to… if it meant saving her life. The last thing he wanted was to have her fall into the clutches of an addiction.
She pushed him again. And again. Taking a breath every few words to shove him some more. “You should’ve… minded… your own… damn business… and left me… the hell… alone!” Her voice rose with every word.
“Not a chance,” he said calmly, watching her hands closely as they begun to ball into fists. “You think I’m gonna just sit back and watch you kill yourself with drugs? And hell, it’s a piss-poor way to honor Nadia.”
With that, she swung hard. Luckily, he had enough time to dip back and caught her fist in his palm and squeezed. The two stared at each other long and hard until Erin finally cracked. She wept, tears streaming down her cheeks in buckets as she fell forward into his chest.
He wrapped his arms tightly around her and stood in silence, allowing a few tears of his own to fall. After a while, he moved his hand up and down her back, pausing when he felt her heave in breath. “We’ll get through this,” he said, feeling content as her arms snaked around his waist and grasped tightly. “Just don’t shut down, okay? I’m here… I’m not going anywhere.”