Work Text:
hi hyung,
it's jeongguk! today's letter is going to be short because we have a photoshoot soon.. the one you used to complain about because the stylist noona always put too much hair gel in your hair. you still looked beautiful though, you still do.
i dropped by to say that i listened to your new song and i loved it. i really like it and your voice sounds so smooth, remember when you use to sing lullabies to me with it? i always fell asleep easier, now i just toss and turn in my bed. i'm not sure what's better, going to sleep for rest or staying awake to avoid the nightmares and memories of you. i know you won't read any of these but i can hope. besides, this is my way to pen out my frustration. yoongi-hyung does it by writing song after song, about you, of course. he's always tired and he's hit pretty hard ever since we just got transported to this world but... i think i was hit harder. you don't know me but i know you and i think, hyung, i think it hurts too much. but i rather remember than forget. even if you don't.
i need to go for the photoshoot. i'm dropping this at the postal office soon, so it'll get there sooner. isn't it funny, how this piece of paper will be closer to you than i am? we used to be closer though. and that's it, i guess, it's all about the we used to be. because. we no longer. now i call you sunbae instead of hyung, but between you and me, i like calling you hyung better. i hope you don't mind. you didn't even mind when i dropped it sometimes, back when we were still ot-seven.
oh well. know that i'll always be watching your performances and comebacks! i'll always be here. jin-hyung, hwaiting!
your number one supporter in the whole wide world,
jeon jeongguk
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seokjin cries at night sometimes. when kyungsoo is asleep, and the world is at peace with themselves, seokjin finds the inner turmoil in himself stirring, screaming, searching. it’s searching for warm hands, hands that can bring him to peace, hands that can wipe away the tears that coat his pillow.
seokjin cries at night for reasons unknown to himself. all he knows that his heart aches for something, or someone, that’s not here.
when the morning comes and it’s another day, seokjin follows his usual routine with the rest of exo, promotions to drama productions to cf to photoshoots. he’s busier than ever but he still manages to find time to film his eatjin segments, munching on anything from fruit chicken to soba noodles.
they’re all crowded in one room, on one table, flinging open the boxes of food. baekhyun’s propped a video camera facing seokjin. seokjin has ordered udon again, this time with an additional carton of milk and chocolate cookie balls, he doesn’t really know, it’s just a craving.
“jin-ah,” jongdae says on the right of seokjin, “udon doesn’t go with milk,” he winks and smiles brightly, “you, mr. food expert, should know that by now.”
seokjin looks down at the unopened carton of milk with the bag of the choco balls sitting neatly next to his bowl of udons. he hums, “it’s just a craving.”
the eatjin segment ends with seokjin playing “i don’t love you” by urban zakapa on replay, the carton of milk and the bag of choco balls left on the side, untouched.
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“did i forget someone?” seokjin asks himself one night, peering into the mirror, in the dim light of the bathroom. his reflection peers back at him, frowning at him, eyes shining at the corners.
“there’s definitely someone,” seokjin says, “i can’t remember anyone yet i can’t sleep at night because i’m crying for a person who i’m so sure i once knew.”
“who are you?” he asks to no one in particular and the mirror replies with a deeper frown, tired eyes etching into the skin.
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“sehun, didn’t you say you had a craving for lamb skewers recently?”
there’s silence and sehun turns to look at him, confusion crowding his features.
“no. not really hyung. Why?”
“oh… uh. it’s nothing. just wondering.”
-
seokjin receives lots of fan mail and gifts, and he does try and make time to read all of them, but as exo’s popularity is rising with every minute, he drifts farther and farther away as his pile of gifts only get larger and larger.
he appreciates all of the gifts, and he loves to wear them in their dance practice videos in hope that his fans can recognize it. but amongst them all, amongst the prada shoes and gucci sweaters, he falls in love with the letters. ones penned by his fans, to him. he likes staying up late to read them, skimming through every single word and letting the warmness comfort him in the cold.
there’s a letter that comes once a month, always sealed with the initials “jk”. it piques his curiosity but seokjin hasn’t had any time to open any of them, and they fall into the bottom of the pile, discarded on the side of his desk. seokjin forgets about them as soon as their schedule fills up.
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hi jin-hyung,
i’m jeongguk. i don’t think you’d remember me. you don’t remember any of us, you don’t remember yoongi-hyung or namjoon-hyung, or the rest of us. you’re gone and we’re here in this world where you aren’t with us and i want to get out of here. i want to wake up to the smell of your breakfast, not burning eggs or soup. i want to wake up and see your face in the room and i want to hug you. i want to be able to sleep on your bed again, with you.
i have your bed now. it’s not as comfortable. was it the same bed we had before? i swear it was much better… anyways. i hope you’re doing well. you haven’t said anything to me about the past few letters so i guess you didn’t read them. but that’s to be expected, you’re so popular now. far more than you were when you in bts, right? i’m sorry, i think. i’m sorry we were stopping you from being as successful as you are now. we didn’t mean to.
i heard you might have a new drama is coming out. i’ll be patiently waiting for each episode. you always said you wanted to act, hyung. now your dream is coming true. i’m happy but we’re selfish, i am selfish and i wish. i wish, so much, that you were with us right now. i miss you. but you don’t even know me. it’s okay though. we, namjoon-hyung, yoongi-hyung, hoseok-hyung, jimin-hyung and taehyung-hyung are all living. we’re still working hard even though yoongi still cries when he realizes your voice isn’t going into the song. taehyung-hyung too, when he realizes he’s the visual now. and me, all the time, because you don’t even recognize any of us.
but it’s okay. we are still trying our best, and i hope, in the near future we can meet again. i’ll make you love me again, just you wait.
forever your biggest fan,
jeon jeongguk
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seokjin cries sometimes.