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The air was crisp and cool as it seeped into Yuuri’s clothes. The metal railing of the boardwalk was even colder, his fingertips red with chill.
It didn’t bother Yuuri though. He stared into the distance, watching the waves break along the shore as the sun set. His favorite part of the day was sunset and the subsequent period of twilight. It always seemed quiet and peaceful during those few moments.
Yuuri’s eyes closed and he sighed as the cold air caressed his face. He knew the prolonged exposure to the bitter cold wasn’t good for him, but he couldn’t quite care.
What was the point, anyways?
The world moved on around Yuuri. Children shrieked as they played, teenagers huddled up, college students shoved their noses into textbooks... But Yuuri was at a stalemate. Time flowed, and he… didn’t.
Yuuri slowly opened his eyes, peering back at the ocean again. The weight in his heart never quite went away, even during serene moments like these.
Yuuri was so caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t notice the large dog bounding down the boardwalk until it was too late. A large weight shoved at his right side, sending Yuuri sprawling to the ground. A warm furry mass wiggled on top of him, leaning forward to lick at his face. He couldn’t help but laugh, pushing the large dog off his chest and attempting to sit up.
“Makkachin! Bad dog!”
Yuuri pushed the dog away from him, and looked up, peering down the boardwalk. A man was running towards him, desperation on his face as he yelled to the dog.
“Makkachin! Come!”
The dog paid him no mind, attempting to lick Yuuri’s face again.
Yuuri managed to find the dog’s collar, and pulled the beast off of himself. It’s owner caught up in time to take the collar from Yuuri, and further move the dog away from him.
“I’m so sorry! Makkachin is usually a good dog, I don’t know why he jumped on you!” a thick russian voice filled the air.
A hand appeared before Yuuri, urging him to stand. Yuuri took the hand and pushed himself upwards, brushing off his pants before turning to the dog’s owner.
“It’s no problem, really,” Yuuri said as he appraised the man in front of him.
He was tall, pale, and elegant in a way Yuuri had only dreamed of being. Yuuri’s heart stuttered, and his eyes grew in shock. He’d never felt so attracted to anyone before.
“Again, I’m sorry! Please, let me make it up to you. Coffee?” the man pleaded, giving Yuuri the same puppy dog eyes that Makkachin was currently giving him.
Yuuri paused. Coffee sounded nice but… he drew in a large breath before replying. “No, really, it’s okay. Your dog didn’t hurt me.”
“Please, I insist! Just one time- I know a really great coffee house close to here. It’s no trouble!”
Yuuri’s stomach fluttered as the man clasped his hands together and begged. “O-okay. Just once, then.”
“Ah, really?! Can I have your number? I will text you the location! How does tomorrow night sound?”
Yuuri reluctantly pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it over.
The man wasted no time entering his information and texting himself. “Done! I will text you with the details… uh, I haven’t asked your name yet. What is it?”
“Yuuri,” he murmured, taking his phone back.
“Yuuri! I’ll see you tomorrow,” the man exclaimed, shooting a wink his way before continuing down the boardwalk. Makkachin whined once, accepting a pat on the head from Yuuri, before following after his master.
Yuuri sighed, holding his face in his hands. What was he doing? Accepting dates with strangers?
He shook his head, dispelling his thoughts. It was just one date, nothing to panic about. Something that would be easily forgotten about afterwards.
-----
The coffee shop was filled with the aromas of freshly brewed espresso and baked sweets.
Victor’s hands trembled a bit, looking over at Yuuri, who was taking in the atmosphere. He turned to Yuuri before speaking. “Why don’t you get us a place to sit, and I will get the drinks?”
Yuuri met his gaze and nodded. He hesitated a second before blushing and responding, “Could you get me something cold? I don’t know if they do smoothies here, but.. Something like that. Please.”
Victor’s heart joined in the trembling of his hands. How could this guy be so adorable? “Of course, no problem! I will be right back.”
He turned away from Yuuri, joining the line of people at the counter. He watched as Yuuri trailed along the couches lining the wall, before stopping and taking two arm chairs that were separated by a small table.
After ordering and receiving their drinks, along with a few assorted pastries, Victor settled in his seat across from Yuuri.
“I wasn’t sure what kind of pastry you liked, so I got a couple.” Victor said, scratching at his head nervously.
Yuuri offered him a small smile before replying, “These are fine, thank you…”
An awkward silence filled the air as they both played with their cups.
Victor took a deep breath in. He just needed to relax, and conversation would start to flow. He hadn’t screwed up the date yet- the night was still young.
Their eyes met again, but stayed locked this time. Yuuri was the first to crack, snorting out a giggle while a blush stained his cheeks. Victor began to laugh too, covering his mouth with his hand as he tried to stay quiet.
Yuuri spoke first. “I’m sorry, this is awkward, isn’t it? I haven’t been on a date for so long, I wasn’t sure…”
“No, no, it’s fine! I feel the same way. I’m sorry,” Victor shook his head.
The tension had seemed to break after the confessions. The rest of the night was filled with banter and smiles. Victor couldn’t contain the joy he felt watching Yuuri laugh. If he could stay in this moment forever, he would.
By the end of the night, their drinks were empty, but the pastries had been left practically untouched. Victor spoke up.
“You did not eat much. Would you like to go somewhere for dinner?”
Yuuri shook his head. “No, it’s okay, I think I’ll head back home now.”
Victor couldn’t help the twinge of disappointment that he felt.
“Ah, that’s fine. I can walk you home..?”
Again, Yuuri shook his head, voicing that he would be fine.
Victor held the door open for Yuuri as they exited the shop. The awkward air from earlier returned as the two turned to each other and stared.
This time, Victor spoke first. “Thank you for agreeing to the date. May I see you again?”
Victor could tell that Yuuri was uncomfortable. Yuuri’s gaze had shifted to the ground, and his body seemed to curl in on itself. Maybe the date hadn’t gone as well as Victor had thought. Realizing this, Victor spoke again.
“You don’t have to though. It’s okay. I had fun tonight, thank you again for joining me.”
The younger man snapped his head up to meet Victor’s gaze again. He hesitated a moment before responding.
“No, thank you! I-I had fun tonight as well too. I just, uh, should be getting home soon. So, uh, I’m going to go… thank you for the date!”
Yuuri dropped into a short bow before pivoting on his feet and hurrying down the sidewalk.
Victor stood flabbergasted. This shy, blushing, beautiful boy had fully captured him tonight.
As his heart pounded, Victor knew one thing was for sure; he had to make this man his.
----
The next few weeks whizzed by. Victor’s days were consumed by Yuuri. Texting Yuuri, calling Yuuri, taking Yuuri on even more coffee dates… Victor couldn’t help but be obsessed with the japanese man. At first, Yuuri had been hesitant, but Victor was hopeful in his pursuit.
For the first time in his life, Victor found something that enthralled him deeply; something that he loved besides skating. He wasn’t about to let it slip through his fingers.
That was why Victor had to make his first Valentine’s day with Yuuri special.
Yuuri had tried to explain that Valentine’s day wasn’t a big deal to him. Usually the girls in his class would hand out chocolates, but besides from that, it wasn’t celebrated much. Victor was insistent that Yuuri come over to his apartment to celebrate though. After thoroughly explaining that Victor had not meant to imply they would ‘celebrate’ with sex, a blushing Yuuri had caved.
Victor had immediately gone out to buy more linens. He was sure he looked a bit odd, purchasing four sets of king sized sheets, along with a mountain of pillows. But Victor had an idea, and he was never one to go small.
The morning of Valentine’s day, he had spent hours prepping his living room. The afternoon was spent slaving in the kitchen, preparing various kinds of sushi, hoping that some of it would appeal to Yuuri. Makkachin sat in the corner of the kitchen, watching Victor. Occasionally he would whine and nudge at Victor’s legs, begging for a bit of the food before being sent back to his corner. By 4:30, Victor was exhausted. Everything was perfect though.
After a quick shower, Victor paced through his apartment. Yuuri was due at any time now, and he hoped that he would enjoy his surprise.
A short knock came from the door. Both Victor and Makkachin raced to it, and both lept onto Yuuri as soon as the door was opened.
Yuuri laughed, embracing Victor with one arm and catching Makkachin’s torso with the other.
He was quickly ushered inside. He paused as he walking into the living room, taking in the scene. A large blanket fort had been constructed, taking up all of the space in the room. Through the draped sheets he could see strings of lights, and piles of pillows. He turned to look at Victor.
“You did all this?”
Victor scratched at his head, nodding nervously. “I know it might be a bit childish, but uh, I thought you might like it. If you don’t I-I can take it all down. But it’s cozy, go look inside!”
Yuuri turned away from Victor, pulling a sheet to the side and peering inside the fort. Sure enough, large heaps of pillows and blankets lined the floor. A small coffee table was placed in the middle, covered in poorly made sushi. A tv was propped up in the corner of the fort.
Yuuri turned back to Victor, tears welling in his eyes. “This is amazing! Thank you! Did you make all of that sushi?”
A smile lit up Victor’s face as he nodded vigorously.
Yuuri’s heart swelled. He reached a hand out to Victor, then dragged him inside the warm space the fort made.
The night was filled with soft conversation, and while Yuuri didn’t seem to like the sushi Victor had made, he ate the miso soup that Victor had ordered in. They sipped on warm green tea and laughed at a poorly done soap opera on the TV. Late in the night they even invited Makkachin in, who wedged herself between their legs.
By the time 2AM rolled around, both Victor and Yuuri were exhausted. They didn’t want to sleep though. Instead, they laid on their sides, Makkachin still wedged between them, and just held each other. The string lights twinkled as they exchanged stories in hushed voices.
It was in those peaceful moments that Victor knew he had found his soulmate.
----
The ocean was surprisingly warm that night. It had been Yuuri’s idea to go to the beach. Makkachin was sitting at Victor’s feet, and Yuuri stood beside him. Victor couldn’t stop the smile that stretched across his face.
There was so much he was learning from Yuuri. So many new experiences; never before had his life been filled with such beauty. They’d only been officially dating for 4 weeks now, and hadn’t gone past holding hands, but Victor was satisfied.
Yuuri eventually broke the silence.
"In all my life, I’ve never really connected with people. I’ve had friends, and I’ve always loved my family, but... I felt detached. I felt like a spectator. It's partially why I’ve always been so apathetic to everything. Life was monotone to me... And I was content to be that way. I made peace with myself."
A long exhale. Waves crashed as Victor turned to look at Yuuri, who was peering out at the vast ocean.
Victors breath was caught in his throat. Was Yuuri expecting him to say something in return? His brain was caught on Yuuri’s confusing words. Yuuri claimed to be apathetic? But in the few weeks they spent together, Yuuri had been overflowing with emotions. Victor couldn’t comprehend.
As his thoughts drifted, pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. There were moments when Yuuri seemed depressed; His eyes lost their shine, and the corners of his mouth would sag. Yuuri was probably depressed before anything else, and which was leading to his apathy.
His train of thought was broken by Yuuri’s voice.
"Victor, you... You were unexpected. And to be honest, unwanted. You make me feel like I have a place here. I belong beside you, I-I know you, and I want to stay with you. You've given me a reason to stay alive and it's, it's not fair, Victor! I love you. I love you so much and I want to stay beside you."
Victor's heart ached as tears flowed down Yuuri’s face. His own eyes watered as he took in Yuuri’s words. His precious Yuuri, his kind, sweet Yuuri who struggled with dark thoughts... Victor leaned over, grabbed the other man’s shoulders and pulled him in for a crushing hug.
"Yuuri," his voice broke. “I'll always be here. Please, stand by me."
Yuuri returned the hug with a sob as tears continued to pour down his face.
The ocean water soaked their ankles as the waves crashed around them. The moon hung high in the sky, illuminating the crests of waves as they broke along the shore. Fireflies shone around them, briefly highlighting their surroundings.
Victor’s heart warmed. He would protect his Yuuri from whatever was haunting him.
Yuuri looked upwards, peering at Victor through teary eyes. He then raised himself onto his toes and pulled the Russian down into a kiss.
Victor responded instantly, wrapping one arm even tighter around Yuuri’s waist, the other snaking up to cradle the back of his head.
The waves crashed, the fireflies buzzed, and they two men kissed.
------
Victor woke in the middle of the night to the sound of retching beside him. His eyes focused on Yuuri, who was kneeling on the mattress. One hand was placed over his mouth, the other clutching his side. He heaved violently, eyes scrunched and tears streaming down his cheeks.
Yuuri was vomiting blood.
Victor’s heart thumped wildly, a cold dread filling his chest. He lept out of bed to grab the garbage can from the corner of the room, placing it beside Yuuri’s side of the bed.
"Come here, Yuuri, please," he begged, rubbing Yuuri’s back as he heaved.
Yuuri rolled over, throwing his torso over the side of the bed. Victor caught him with a grunt, angling his head towards the bin.
He heaved again, eyes blown wide open as the situation weighed on his mind. This time, he was able to vomit into the garbage can instead of the bed.
The frantic Russian’s mind raced. What had brought this on? Bad food? A virus? Nothing seemed to add up. What could cause such severe sickness in such a short time span? Yuuri had been fine when they fell asleep.
Tears continued to stream down Yuuri’s cheeks as blood dripped from the corners of his mouth.
"Yuuri, love, I'll call an ambulance, okay? You'll be fine, Yuuri, I promise!"
Yuuri’s eyes shut as he gave a short nod.
The ambulance showed up twenty minutes later, whisking Yuuri away and leaving Victor with the name of the hospital where he would be.
Victor sagged down his front door, head tipped back against it as he fell to a sitting position.
What was going on?
---
The hospital had a strangely upbeat atmosphere. Large, glass walls lined the atrium, allowing natural light to illuminate the various desks and lounges dispersed throughout the hall.
Anxiety swelled through Victor as he approached the reception desk. He tried to explain the situation to the receptionist, but was told that since he was not family, he would have to wait.
The hours passed by. Eventually Victor was forced to return to his schedule, reluctantly leaving the hospital.
He left a voicemail and two texts for Yuuri, praying that he would be able to answer soon. Victor promised him that as soon as he was able, he’d come visit Yuuri in the hospital. He promised that when Yuuri was released, he’d make him his favorite dish and they’d cuddle all night.
The next day, Victor received a text from Yuuri. His heart raced with joy when he saw the notification, and he rushed to open the text.
I’m out of the hospital now. The doctors said I just ate something bad. Sorry for all the drama!
Victor tried calling, but it was sent to voicemail. He conceded with sending Yuuri a barrage of texts, wishing him better health and expressing his desire to see him soon.
However, his messages all went unanswered.
Every day Victor would attempt to contact Yuuri, but it was as if Yuuri had dropped off the face of the planet.
Life had become monotone to Victor. He went through his usual daily activities, but he felt as if he was an observer in his own life. His mind was elsewhere; Where was Yuuri? Was he okay? Why wouldn’t he answer his phone?
The pit of dread in his stomach never dissipated.
---
It had been 10 days since Victor had seen Yuuri. Ten long, agonizing, haze-filled days. He was currently lounging on his couch, Makkachin tangled in his legs. He pet her fur slowly, letting his mind wander.
He wasn’t sure what else to do besides wonder how Yuuri was.
A knock at his door broke the silence. A young woman stood in Victor’s doorway, her short brown hair pushed off her face with a headband. She hesitated a moment before making eye contact and speaking.
“Are you Victor Nikiforov?”
Victor gave a short nod.
The woman sighed, her shoulders sagging. “I’m Mari Katsuki, Yuuri’s sister. May I come in?”
Victor paused in shock before stepping aside and nodding, unable to find his voice.
Victor led her to his living room, motioning to the couch before sitting across from her.
Mari sighed once more before speaking again. “Yuuri wanted me to wait and give this to you, but I think it’s better if I do now.” She reached into her bag, pulling out a envelope and handing it to Victor.
Victor finally managed to find his voice. “How is Yuuri? Where is he? Why hasn’t he answered my texts?”
Mari broke eye contact, shaking her head. “Please,” she whispered, “just read the letter.”
Victor eyed the thin envelope, the ball of dread in his stomach expanding. Mari refused to make eye contact, sending Victor into a deeper panic.
With shaking hands, he opened it and began to read the letter inside.
Dear Victor,
I’ve probably started this letter ten times over now. I can’t find the right words to say to you… so I’ll start with this:
Thank you for everything up until now.
I haven't been completely truthful with you, and I'm sorry. So let me tell you what I should have told you from the start.
My name is Yuuri Katsuki, I’m 24 years old, and I have esophageal cancer.
I was diagnosed at 22, and was given a short five years to live. My disease developed quicker than the doctors realized though. Within four months of diagnosis, I was given a much shorter life expectancy.
People talk about how chemotherapy is painful, but it's one of those things that you don't truly understand until it's happening to you. When I was given a year long expectancy, I decided to give up on treatment and just enjoy the rest of my life.
You can imagine how my family and doctors reacted.
I'd mentioned to you before- I was okay with dying. I wasn't lying when I said that. I took the rest of my savings and decided to travel. I saw all the places I yearned to see. St Petersburg was my favorite of places, and I decided to spend my last days there. I was at peace.
Then you came into my life.
You made me truly want to live. I hadn’t felt that so strongly in years… maybe ever. What a cruel fate to find a reason to live so close to death, right?
I was okay with being forgotten. My life was never too eventful to start with. I always just… went with whatever came my way. And after being diagnosed, I became even more apathetic in my relationships with the people around me.
Victor, you changed me.
I’m sorry I couldn’t stay by your side.
I’m sorry I never got to see you skate in person.
I’m sorry I lied.
I’m so, so sorry.
I love you, Vitya.
Yours,
Yuuri
Victor was shaking, tears spilling down his face as he finished reading. He looked up at Mari, whose face was consumed with sadness.
His voice shook as he asked, “Is he..?”
Mari shook her head. “He’s alive. He, he wanted me to wait until a-after to give you this. But I thought it was better this way. I thought you’d want to know. Yuuri is… he’s not okay. He shouldn’t do- He shouldn’t shut you out like this.”
A deep sigh escaped from Victor. Yuuri was still alive.
“Please, bring me to him.”
----
Mari led Victor through the door to Yuuri’s hospital room. The already pale Russian paled further as he took in the scene.
Yuuri’s skin tone was near grey, and deep bags adorned his worn face. The sickly man’s head turned toward the door, and his eyes widened then tightened with anger.
“Mari, why is he here?” He spat in a hoarse voice, refusing to meet Victor’s gaze. “I told you I didn’t want him here!”
Victor inhaled shakily, somehow finding his voice despite the thick lump in his chest. “Yuuri, please… don't be mad at her. Yuuri, I… I read your letter and.. And I… I’m so angry with you!” He finished, tears streaming down his face.
Silence filled the room.
Victor clenched his fist and strode towards the bed. He took Yuuri’s hand into his own, bringing it up to his face and holding it to his cheek.
“You planned on suffering without me, on leaving me behind, on not even giving me a proper goodbye?”
Tears were streaming down both of their faces as Yuuri withdrew his hand from Victor’s grasp.
“You shouldn’t be here,” Yuuri whispered. “I, I don’t want you here. I don’t want you to see me like this.”
Victor shook his head, falling to his knees beside the bed.
“Yuuri, please. Let me stand beside you. I promised you that much, right?”
Their eyes finally met. A shaky moment passed before Yuuri threw himself into Victor’s arms.
“Vitya, thank you,” he sobbed into his shoulder.
----
The next three days pass in a golden haze. Victor shuts off his phone, and Yuuri ignores the pain in his throat. Yuuri can’t manage much past whispering at this point, but Victor is content to lean in close to hear.
They pass the time together; they play card games, they watch tv, they cuddle on the small hospital bed. Most importantly of all, they share smiles. They hold on to each other, and these small precious moments. Neither acknowledge Yuuri’s declining health, or the frowns on the nurses faces.
On the night of the fourth day, Victor is awoken to a nurse shaking his shoulder. He is still wrapped up in Yuuri’s arms, returning the embrace. Except Yuuri is stiff; he is too stiff. And worst of all, his heart monitor isn’t working correctly. It’s emitting a long beep, which it isn’t supposed to do.
Victor turns his attention to Yuuri, trying to wake him. Except Yuuri doesn’t wake up. In fact, Yuuri isn’t doing anything at all.
Panic fills Victor, and he begins to hyperventilate. He can hear the team of nurses trying to speak to him, but he can’t move his attention away from Yuuri.
It takes five nurses to remove Victor from the bed, but they can’t remove him from the room. Victor slumps along the wall, watching numbly as tears pour down his face. The nurses are unhooking Yuuri, carefully rearranging his body. Eventually a security guard shows up, and he is able to remove Victor from the room.
Yuuri’s family shows up an hour later, wrapping Victor into a hug as tears are shared.
It’s now 3:56 AM, and Yuuri is gone.
---
The following days are a haze. Yuuri had made arrangements before leaving Japan, so there was not much to plan. His funeral is a small, quiet affair. Victor sits beside Mari at the Monastery, and they hold hands as the Bhikkhu speaks.
Victor stays the night in Hasetsu. He falls asleep quite easily due to the jet lag and emotional drain from the day. In the middle of the night, he awakes in a haze. He feels warm; and though it would surely seem crazy if Victor was fully awake, he can feel Yuuri’s presence with him.
He falls back asleep with a smile on his face.
When Victor returns to Russia, he falls back into his routine pre-Yuuri. The world keeps moving, and the people around him are the same. It’s almost as if his Spring with Yuuri had never happened.
However, Victor knows better. Every November, he returns to Japan to visit Yuuri’s grave. He spends Yuuri’s birthday with the Katsuki family, eating Katsudon and sharing memories of Yuuri.
Unlike what Yuuri had thought, his life had meaning. Yuuri is not forgotton; Yuuri’s life and love persists in Victor’s heart.