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They weren’t supposed to end like this, this wasn’t supposed to end so soon, and not like this. They had all the time in the world, all the time in the world to do all the things they had planned since they were little kids; the house just outside the city, a dog, maybe even a son or daughter. They should’ve gotten the chance to do all of that. It wasn’t supposed to be like this; it was never supposed to be just Lexa sitting alone in their apartment mourning Clarke after a fucking funeral. They deserved better than that.
Lexa bit her lip, trying to stop the quiver as her eyes welled with tears yet again. It still didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real that Clarke wasn’t by her side right now; it almost didn’t make sense to Lexa that Clarke wasn’t home right now, it was almost midnight, she was always home by now. But…she wouldn’t be tonight, or tomorrow night, the night after, or the night af- Never, I get it. Lexa scolded herself, trying to get her mind to shut up. She won’t be back, I know.
She was always here though, she was always by Lexa’s side; for almost twenty years, Clarke’s always been right here. 5 year olds at school, running around the playground together, Clarke helping Lexa up to her feet when she tripped and scrapped her knees. Or that time when they were 6 and Lexa lost her footing on the tree she was climbing and fell on the soft ground, earning a small bruise which seemed like a very big deal back then, and Clarke kissed it to make it all better. They practically grew up together, seeing each other almost every day, spending most of their free time together all the way from elementary school to middle school to high school. They had their ups and downs like any other friendship, but they were always there for each other no matter what; neither of them ever had a bad day without having the other to talk to about it.
Until now that is. A bad day didn’t get any worse than the one Lexa was having right now – okay maybe the past few days Lexa had been having. She needed Clarke now more than ever; she needed her arms around her, telling her everything would be okay, that they would be okay, and that she would always be right by her side no matter what. Lexa needed to hear those words but that only made her angry at herself. She knew she wouldn’t, she wouldn’t hear Clarke’s again, ever, she’d never see those blue eyes, or feel the warmth of her embrace.
“It’s not fair,” Lexa said out loud to the empty apartment, shaking her head as tears spilled. “We should’ve had more time,” She managed to get out, her throat closing up. “Twenty years together shouldn’t have ended like this.” Lexa let her head fall on her hands, still shaking it, refusing to let the reality of this set in. It shouldn’t have ended with you 6 feet underground and me alone in our apartment clutching the ring in my fist that I never got the chance to give you. That’s not how it should’ve ended. It should’ve ended with the two of them growing old together, having spent their entire lives with each other; married, kids, grandkids even. That’s how it should’ve ended, not with Clarke being run down on the sidewalk by a drunk driver.
All that time together; 20 years of little moments and big moments, and important moments and insignificant moments…they should not have led to this. Lexa’s mind flashed back to the time when they were both 14 and she came out to Clarke. She scared out of her mind, Lexa had over thought the scenario and played it out in her head way too many times. A part of her thought Clarke would never accept it and she’d lose their friendship over this. So it took her forever to finally muster the courage to tell her.
“I’m gay, Clarke.”
Clarke only gave her a smile, “That’s it?” She asked her gently, “That’s what you were so scared to tell me?”
Lexa nodded, tears filling her eyes as she did her best to not cry. “I was scared you wouldn’t see me the same way after you knew.” She explained. “That it would ruin our friendship.”
“God no,” Clarke shook her head, bringing her arms around Lexa and pulling her into a hug. “Nothing could ever change this.” She told her, feeling Lexa let out a relived sigh. “I’ll always be right here, Lexa.” Clarke added as they pulled away. “By your side, no matter what,” She continued. “Always.”
This is probably one of her most clear memories of Clarke and her as kids. Of course there were other things, before coming out and even after that Lexa would never forget. 10 year old Lexa breaking her leg right before a big game and being grumpy and miserable about it for way too long and Clarke being the only one who could make her feel better. 12 year old Clarke losing her sketchbook and crying her eyes out but the only person who took her seriously being Lexa and doing everything she can to help her find it – which they did in the end by some miracle. Lexa still has it, somewhere in her closet, but she knows she has it even now.
So many memories. So many memories that led to this…
Lexa’s not sure why she was doing this right now, thinking back to them and their relationship and all those little moments. Was it making her feel better? No. But was it making her feel worse? Also no. If anything it was making her feel a little closer to Clarke right now.
Clarke hadn’t come out to Lexa till they were almost 17, it wasn’t as hard for Clarke as it was for Lexa because she knew Lexa would be alright with it. A couple of weeks after that was probably another one of those really memorable memories; that was also probably the first time Lexa punched someone hard enough to bruise her knuckles. It was at a party on probably a Saturday night – one that Lexa didn’t want to go to, like most parties as Clarke put it then. But Clarke had gone with their other friends because Clarke Griffin was not someone who turned down a party invitation. But Lexa had received a phone call sometime around 10pm from Clarke; she sounded upset, asking Lexa if she could come pick her up. Lexa was out of the house before Clarke even hung up because Lexa couldn’t get her to tell her what was wrong. Long story short, Clarke’s boyfriend then said something not nice and Lexa wouldn’t just stand there and listen to him. So she did what anyone else who was in love with their best friend would do; Lexa punched him so hard, he stumbled back and fell on the floor and she went home with bruised knuckles – ones which Clarke iced and kissed to help her feel better. So by the end of the night, it was a win-win; Lexa got to punch the guy – a major douche – who was dating the girl she was in love with, and said girl ended up taking care of her hand. It was fun explaining to her mom though, the next morning when they were completely bruised and Lexa was asked what happened.
It took them a while to finally tell the other how they actually felt – a really long time actually. It was halfway through their second year of college; Lexa couldn’t hold it in anymore and it made for a very intense yet progressive conversation.
“I love you,”
“I love you too.” Clarke replied, a little confused, this wasn’t the first time they had said it to each other.
“No,” Lexa said softly, shaking her head. “Not like that,” She told her. “Not the way you think I always say it.”
“What are you talking about?” Clarke asked her gently.
“I’m in love with you.” Lexa clarified. “I have been for a very long time,” She shrugged lightly. “I don’t know exactly when or how…but…it happened.” Lexa waited a moment for Clarke to respond but when she remained silent, Lexa continued. “I don’t expect you to feel the same way,” She told her, looking away. “But I needed to tell you.”
Clarke was mostly just speechless; she didn’t really know how to respond to any of what Lexa just said. There might be a part of her that feels the same way – has been feeling that for a while now, much like Lexa – but it wasn’t something Clarke paid much attention to; she mostly just pushed that thought down because she feared if she thought about it and realized she was in love with Lexa, it would ruin their friendship. “Lexa, I…” Clarke trailed off, not knowing what to say.
“I know there’s a chance I just ruined about fifteen years of friendship…” Lexa responded. “But that doesn’t have to be it, if you don’t feel the same way, we can go back to how it was before I opened my mouth tonight.” She continued. “I don’t wanna lose you.”
“I love you too, you know that.” Clarke replied. “But I don’t know if it’s the same way as you do.” She added hesitantly. “Can you give me some time to…processing this?” Clarke was a little unsure of the words that were coming out of her mouth; she didn’t want to say something now that she might regret later, so it was probably best to take a little time and think this through.
Lexa nodded slowly after a moment. “Yeah, yeah sure.” She told Clarke. “I’m sorry,” she shook her head lightly, looking away from Clarke again. “I shouldn’t have dropped that on you like that without any…warning.”
“No, no,” Clarke disagreed, giving Lexa a small smile. “It’s just…unexpected, that’s all.” She told her. “But look, nothing’s gonna come between us okay?” Clarke asked, “It’ll always be the two of us; whether its as friends or…anything more.” She watched Lexa carefully, reassuring her. “Always.”
Turns out it was something more. Took a while though, Lexa remembered, about half a year; Clarke came back the next night to tell Lexa she didn’t actually feel the same way. But as time passed, Clarke realized she was wrong because Lexa was always on her mind. She couldn’t help but smile at that memory, Lexa shaking her head as she thought back to it. They were sitting on Clarke’s couch after a long day, just having finished watching a movie, it was late and Lexa was probably going to stay over anyways. She’s not sure where it came from but one moment they were lying on the couch, Clarke resting her head on Lexa’s chest and Lexa lying with her back against the armrest, and the next, Clarke was kissing her. It took Lexa a moment to register what was happening before she could get herself to kiss back.
“Wait,” Lexa pulled away slightly, but that was hard given how tight the space was. “What are we doing?”
“I love you,” Clarke breathed out against her lips. “I’m in love with you Lexa Woods.”
She could almost here her voice saying that all over again and Lexa couldn’t help but throw the glass of vodka – now empty – in her hands across the room. Lexa didn’t know who she was angry at, or who she could even be angry at; the driver behind the wheel obviously but it wasn’t enough. Some drunk idiot taking her whole life away from her was…it wasn’t good enough. Her life, her happiness, her everything; taken away, just like that…no, no that wasn’t good enough for Lexa.
Clarke didn’t deserve this, she didn’t deserve to go out in such a meaningless way because of a stupid accident. They didn’t deserve this. After twenty years, they deserved their happy ending; they weren’t there yet, but they were getting there and everyday was still great. They were in love and they were with each other, and things were good…everything was good. One moment Lexa was reading over what she was going to say to Clarke once she got down on one knee, and the next she was rushing to the hospital after getting a phone call.
It was their five year anniversary, and Lexa was going to propose that night. She had it all planned out; Clarke was going to come home and dinner would be almost ready by then, Lexa would tell her to go take a shower and get changed and by the time she was back, dinner would be ready, and Lexa would ask her after dessert. And Clarke would say yes, she had the whole night planned out, everything was meant to go according to plan.
But it didn’t. Instead it ended with a car accident and Lexa not even getting the chance to say goodbye because Clarke was gone before the paramedics even got to the scene.
“We were going to make it.” Lexa muttered to herself, her voice equal parts heartbroken and angry. “We were going to do all the things we planned on.” She repeated. “You were supposed to be here Clarke,” Lexa shook her head, not knowing who she was even talking to at this point, “By my side no matter what.” Lexa could feel the hot tears streaking down her cheeks. “It was meant to be the two of us, together, no matter what.” A sob escaped her. “Why did you have to leave me?”
How am I supposed to keep going without you? The words wouldn’t come out, just another sob as questions like this fogged her mind. Lexa didn’t really know the answer to that, it was always the two of them. Clarke was always right here, no matter what. Fights, arguments, whatever happened, she was still here every night, sitting on this very couch or in their bedroom. It was almost unreal that she was gone; her paintings were hanging on the walls and the incomplete ones leaned up again the wall by the easel, pictures of the two of them all over the place, Clarke’s coffee mug still on the rack next to the sink – every part of her was still right here, right where it was meant to be…but she wasn’t.