Work Text:
What happens
when the one who broke your heart
is the only one who can fix it?
- Louis -
I loved him.
For me, it maybe was the hardest thing to discover even though deep down inside I’d known this for a while now. I just didn’t want it to be true.
You didn’t fall in love with one of you bandmembers, you simply didn’t. And yet exactly this thing was happening to me.
I don’t know when it started. It shouldn’t be surprising, we all had been well aware of the fact that our fans used to ‘ship’ us in every possible combination, even some weird thing with all of us in a relationship together. We read a few stories one evening, but… well, when you see your own name on the screen, together with all of your best mates names, it was rather… strange. Yeah, maybe it’s the correct term.
Whatever, we knew about it and we used to have a little fun with that. We all were close from the very beginning, so nobody ever minded cuddling each other. The fans were hysterical – mostly with Harry and me. In this special case things got a little out of hands, management was quite pissed and tried to keep us apart.
As if a few narrow-minded idiots could tore such an epic friendship apart.
But Harry wasn’t the one I finally found myself falling for. It was Niall. Cute, innocent little Niall. The guy with a heart as big as a soccer field. He always managed to cheer us up, no matter how tired or stressed we were. To be honest – How could I not be in love with him?
But yeah, that let us to the problem, that had me hiding in my room the whole day long. Thank god we had a few days off, and three more to go. It wasn’t too suspicious that I spent the time mostly by myself. I told them that I were tired and needed a bit of silence for a while.
I rested my back against the wall and pulled my knees close to my chest.
There was no denying it, the situation was pretty fucked up. I barely couldn’t stand being with Niall anymore, knowing he would never love me. Now every time he just does as much as hug me, it felt wrong. Scratch that, it felt awesome, but it was wrong, I was wrong. I enjoyed those moments far too much, and it wasn’t fair to take my advantage out of the situation. That would mean I was using Niall, which was literally the last thing I wanted to do.
But what I wanted to do instead… I didn’t know.
God, how much I wished to stay here forever, save in my bed all day long. I felt my eyes dropping close, which was really a great feeling compared to all the other stuff. When I was out, maybe I could forget everything for a while.
“Louis? We’re having a movie marathon, you wanna come?”
I flinched as I heard Harry’s voice calling me out and shook my head. “Nah, I’m fine. Tired, actually. I think I have to sleep a few more hours. Count me in tomorrow.”
Sure. Except I have figured out another new excuse until then.
Harry slowly entered my room and sat on the bed, right next to me.“You look sad.”
“I’m not.”
“Honestly. How are you?”
I looked at my best friend. For a moment I considered telling him the truth.
I’m sad. I feel lonely. I think I’ll break down soon. I can’t take it anymore. I’m helpless. I fucked up everything. I’m hurt. I want to cry all day long. I’m scared.
I couldn’t do that, right?
“Fine” I answered simply. “Just a few things to sort out in my head.”
“Louis…” I heard impatience in his voice, though it was full of sympathy.
I didn’t want this, I didn’t want his pity. I wanted to cover my ears with my hands to stop his words reaching my mind, but that would have been too suspicious.
“We know each other for a while now. And we spend quite a lot time together. I know how you look when you are stressed, I know how you look when you’re sick, I know how you look when you’re tired and I know how you look when you’re sad. And right now, every single one of these expressions can be found in your face. So don’t you dare to tell me that everything is okay.”
“Haz”, I pleaded. “I’m okay. Really.”
His green eyes locked with mine, searching for something – I didn’t know what he was looking for, but after half a minute he sighed and shrugged. “Fine. But if you wanna talk…”
“I know. Thanks.”
Harry hesitated for another heartbeat, then got up and smiled softly. “Then I guess it means good night for today. Oh, or if you change your mind… you know where we are.”
Even if I was sure that I wouldn’t change my mind, I smiled back at him. “Alright. But I really want to try and get some sleep. Have fun.”
“Yeah. You too.”
And with that, I was alone again. Relieved I let my head sink onto my knees.
This relief shouldn’t last for long. Soon I heard my door open again, but I didn’t even bother to look at Harry. I had said what I was able to say, and I didn’t want him to see anything in my face which would make him stick around for longer. Harry could be really observant from time to time.
“I could tie you up and take you to the post office right now. No matter where I’d have you shipped, it wouldn’t even be expensive. You’re really compact.”
This time I froze when a voice followed by an amused chuckle cut through the silence. It wasn’t Harry, like I’d thought. It was Niall, of all people.
“Harry said you won’t come, and I am here to change that” he announced. I heard footsteps coming closer and felt another weight on my mattress. “Come on, Lou. We barely saw you the last days. It’s not right when you are not with us. We miss you.”
I suppressed a sigh and raised my head. “Tomorrow, okay? I’m tired” I tried to convince him, like I did with Harry before. My heart began to pond heavily in my chest as I found the blonde staring at me with a look in his eyes that would make even the snow queen herself melt into a little puddle.
“You can’t be tired for two days in a row when everything’s okay. I mean, there are people who could, but not you.” Now I could detect concern in his voice. “Are you sick? Has management tried something? Is~”
“It’s okay, Ni” I interrupted my younger friend. “I’m okay. I promise. There’s just a little thing I have on my mind, but it’s nothing.”
“Great, then it shouldn’t be that hart to tell me about it. Spill, Tommo.”
“There is nothing to talk about.”
“Louis…”
“Niall…”
“Please!”
“I can’t, okay?”
Niall backed away, clearly startled by my frustrated hiss.
Great way to solve that problem. I had just scared away the loveliest boy in my life. With sudden bitterness my head fell down again, not wanting to watch him leave me.
“Oh Lou.” There was a pair of arms pulling me into a lose embrace, then a hand stroking my hair gently. “Whatever it is, I want to help you. Please let me help you.”
I only shook my head a little, not trusting my voice at all. This was pure torture. How could he be so nice and sweet? I needed to get him out of my head, and it would never work if he wouldn’t stop being so… Niall.
“Come on” he whispered once more. “What’s there to lose?”
“Everything” I choked the word out, and with that the tears I held back so successfully began to fall. The only good thing about it was that Niall could not see my face.
“I don’t know what you think you have done, but you’ll never lose me or the other lads, Lou. I promise. We all love you too much.”
A single strangled sob escaped my throat, which the Irish boy hopefully hadn’t noticed… no. Of course his hand grabbed my chin gently and forced me to lift my head. Blue eyes caught mine, not giving me the chance to look away. Then Niall reached out to brush the wet drops away with his thumb, but it was like fighting windmills. Every tear he wiped away was instantly replaced by a fresh one.
I bit down my underlip, struggling to get the control back, because I couldn’t afford letting him see me like this. Well, at least I managed to stay quiet and not sob hysterically and throw myself into his arms. And to be honest, I knew it was to late. He wouldn’t leave me now, not until I came up with a good excuse, but I simply couldn’t think, it was just impossible.
“Stop crying”, he murmurs and pulled me to his chest, wrapping his arms around me once more. “Everything’s okay. It’s gonna be. I promise, yeah?”
My throat was thick with emotion, so I only pressed my face closer to his chest.
How could he promise something like that? Nothing would be okay.
He said that he loved me – but not in the way I wanted him to. And if he knew, I would lose him, and that would mean one of us had to leave the band, and since I was the one who messed up, that would be me. And that would really mean losing everything to me.
I don’t know how long we sat like that. After a while my face was dry again, but the crying wasn’t as relieving as everyone always says it would be. On the inside I felt empty. But I made a decision.
“I love you”, I whispered into his shirt.
“Hm?” Carefully he pushed me back so we were facing each other again, but even then he didn’t let go of my shoulders, knowing that physical contact often comforted me more than words. “I didn’t catch that.”
I closed my eyes for a second, gathering all my courage and taking a deep breath. I tried to memorize how his touch felt, because soon he would let go of me and most likely never touch me again.
“I love you” I repeated.
A slight smile appeared on his beautiful face.
“I love you too. So, can you tell me your problem now? Please?”
“I love you.”
Niall tilted his head and watched me confused, waiting for me to continue talking.
“More than I should. More than I’m allowed to. In a… special way, you know? Like… really. And I’m so sorry. I tried ignoring it, but… you’re a person that cannot be ignored. God, you must hate me now. Sorry, I~”
“Louis” Niall called and stopped the words that were rushing out of my mouth. Now that I started talking, it seemed like I couldn’t stop anymore. I was afraid. Afraid of what he would say.
I made the choice to tell the truth myself, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle his reaction.
“As I said, I love you too.”
“You don’t get it. I don’t love you that way, I mean, I do. But there is more, and~”
“No, you don’t get it.”
I frowned in a silent question. Suddenly Niall seemed so much closer than he was before.
“When I said I love you too, I meant it, you know” he breathed in a slightly husky voice. Then he lent forwards even more and brushed his lips over mine for a second, so soft that it felt like a butterfly landed on my mouth.
Our eyes met again, and slowly I felt hope rising in my chest. Could it be…? Could it really be true?
A part of me wanted to ask where he had the camera hidden, but I knew it would hurt him. Niall wasn’t the one for cruel jokes.
But it was easier to believe than to consider the possibility that he returned my feelings. But still… he hadn’t freaked out yet. He’d said he loved me. He’d kissed me.
What kind of proof did I still need, for heavens sake?
I hesitantly reached out for him. “Can I… can I kiss you?”
“Oh, I hope you do” he smiled.
Our lips found each other again, meeting in a gentle, innocent kiss – just like any first kiss should be.
Piece by piece reality sunk through. It really was true.
“Niall” I whispered, overwhelmed by the actions of the past minutes. I thought it would be the end, but it seemed to be more of a beginning. And then something happened that really shouldn’t happen after a sweet kiss with your crush. I started crying again, but this time I felt said relief. I was… happy, even if I still had my struggles with believing it.
“Thank you”, I choked in between two sobs. “You… thank you.”
“Shh, love” he soothed me, and my heart made a little jump by this nickname. “Let’s lie down for a bit, okay?”
Somehow he managed to arrange us in a way that we could lie down comfortable and still cuddle, without those awkward arms that everyone who had a relationship before had to know. The useless piece of flesh that you never had an idea where to put.
It was perfect.
“I was scared… I never thought…”
“Me neither. I wouldn’t have had the courage to tell you a word if you hadn’t started it. But I’m happy that I did. You look so much better now – I can’t handle seeing you so sad. I was worried, you know? We all were.”
“Sorry.”
But I felt too good to really regret anything. There was no way that Niall was going back to this movie marathon. I wanted him to stay, and I could feel that he wanted to same.
Every other thing could wait. The talking, the question how to tell the others, how management would react… It had to wait.
This was our moment.
Our perfect, little moment.